#im so tired that i don't even think this makes sense fml | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatgirlkalani · 1 year

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bye?

I'm at a point in my life where I'm in full blown self destruct mode my life is a series of unfortunate events and it Dosent seem to be getting any better I have no will to live but I'm scared to die..not really scared to do but scared to do it myself...every couple of weeks its something new and fuccin terrible its been like that since the car crash I literally can't catch a break I can't win and I'm so mf tired of it after all the shit I been thru I still care too much I still love too hard I still give too many fuccs and I don't know how to turn it off I Juss wanna be numb or not exist or some shit I'm always seeing the good in people when the human race is literally shit. I feel like everybody in my life currently doesn't fwm as much as I fw them and I'm over exerting and ppl don't actually like me and I know they don't care how I do I can tell by little things...not answering a text..a call. bluffing on a link...and I just sense energies ... I don't have friends that are like me and I haven't in years and the one I did have. I lost at no fault of my own all of my friendships and relationships go to shit anytime somebody makes me happy they leave or get taken or change but something always goes wrong I find somebody I actually care or want to care about and get traumatized by it I have horrible taste in men bc. I seem to only want the ones that are gonna ruin my life stress me out or could give two fuccs how I feel and its crazy because they seem to be the only ones I relate or feel close to then its alll down tf hill from there. Idk if my poor choices in men comes from wanting to get as far from people like my family or from my long ass list of SA history but either way its gone to shit all these niggas do is hurt the feelings that I barley have , disappoint me, not give a Fucc inconvenience me or all of the above....the hyper sexuality has calmed down for the time being but the hyper fixation has kicked in there's no in-between I'm either completely cool on everybody, hyper sexual because I need to be in control of my body or I'm hyper fixated... normally on somebody who could give two shits.. and can't find interest in anybody else which is where I'm currently at...and I have every reason to be obsessed with this man even tho I know I shouldn't but its too late bc I genuinely fwh again I know better but currently I'm stuck and at a point where I hate myself because I watch him want/give everybody a chance but me then I'm forced to hear about it but have to play it cool bc I Juss want to keep him in my life atp bc. I don't have much... I don't really know how to pinpoint where all my abandonment issues came from but at the same time I can point out specific situations that have added to them because everyone that I attach myself to leaves.. and or hurts tf out of me and its been happening since I was 14 friendships and relationships alike.....why I really Juss wanna disconnect from everybody and I do ever so often but I get lonely and I hate that I wish I didn't need anybody.. I wish a lot I wish I didn't hate myself..I wish I didn't give so many chances.. wish I didn't love people who don't love me bacc...wish I could go numb, wish I didn't have mommy and daddy issues mannn fml. the. mommy and daddy issues is a whole other story because they weren't abusive in anyway except emotionally and I don't think they meant it but I just can't get past it... its hard to show affection to them and shit of that nature I wish we were closer I wish we shared similar views I wish I was comfortable going to them but I don't..im the. blacc sheep of the family and even if they wont admit it they know and I feel it.. I'm honestly tired of existing tired of the panic attacks tired of the manic episodes tired of the abandonment issues tired or the attachment issues tired of it all I really don't wanna be here doing this atp I'm only living for my grandmas...and. I guess my parents idk bc I don't wanna be here but I don't wanna hurt them..but I feel like I have nothing and no one anyone I had anyone I related to anyone that was my..

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boxwinebaddie · 6 months

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i was thinking about you today and hoping that youre doing well! sorry if thats weirdhfjfk. anyways i wanted to wish you well and remind you that self imposed deadlines are not real and i think everyone on here is more than happy to wait as long as needed <3

d'awww!!!! <333 :'}}} nonono! this is so sweet and kind! i'm so...omg

( this touches my heart in a way i cannot explain coherently rn ily )

if i'm honest, i'm finding that going fully into writing and not being able to answer my asks is sort of isolating and makes me sad because i feel like the same way that you all can't really check in on my ( unless you privately dm me ) i can't really check on you either!

( i think i'm gonna sneak back & answer some for stress relief shhh )

so it means a lot to me every time you guys write in and keep me company in the box, haha! i know it's kyle-piling up in there, but i swear i'm getting to them, i have read/enjoyed every single one and all of your deranged thoughts, big or small, make my day so lovely :)

also as we know i am working on my self confidence, so when you guys pop in, it's exciting for me because i'm glad you still care rip!!!

i know that its been a while, but i'm glad it's worth it for...ncu!style?

( i chatted a lot abt how i'm feeling abt writing rn! you don't have to peak if you don't want to hear me squeak on forever! but i'm processing a lot which is nice <3 )

you are all seriously so sweet and kind to me; i could not ask for better readers and human beings scattered around the world. <3 for all of you, i promise to be gentler to myself...i think i will feel much better when rm6 ( or, idk, sigh, part of it...ig ) comes out.

( btw no deadlines i promise!!! just ansty to post bc i'm v tired

and excited!!! more excited than tired!!!! )

BUT--

what i fear is happening ( and what i'm understanding ), is that because it all plays in my head like a movie which goes by way quicker than writing, i over-estimate how much can plausibly fit in a chapter upload...it becomes a list of things/scenes/dialogue so long that it's almost impossible for me to finish...and then i get stressed out/panic/get burnt out and never finish.

( aka something i assumed would fit into like 11k bc it's just blank lines of dialogue...actually ends up being 20k-30k with words fml )

so for my sake ( and possibly all of yours ), i'm thinking of maybe writing smaller updates...which will be more manageable for me than committing to months worth of work. they might flow less well, but that way you guys get content, i feel happy that i could post something/share stuff with you, my chest feels lighter. which is not to say the quality will be worse...it'll just be less daunting for me?

a lot of my stress unfortunately comes to sitting on all this writing and lore and not being able to post it until im Done...so i'm hoping that shorter chaps plus the relaxed formatting...and doing nice ask memes w/ breaks will really make me less stressed!

and i hope you too! ajhashdlsd thank you for checking on me! i also want to get something for pep out soon...even if its just posting a weird snippet of...whatever i have and spoonfeeding you all your cherry nyquil slowly but in pieces i can manage...seems better?

but tldr: thank you for checking! i'm okay! i just want to post my update/s because seeing them in my drafts is daunting. i think i'm going to post smaller chapters, so if they look weird! you get content/progression, i can relax and vibe with you all! peace on earth!

and of course, thank you for waiting and supporting me. i dearly miss doing my memes, it's lonely and boring in writer girl jail.

-uncle nina, who loves you all so so so so

p.s. slowing down in the sense of understanding plot is good for me tho! i think deep comprehension, but shorter, surer posts are in the near future <33333

#MWAHMWAHMWAHMWAHMWAAAAH #thank you for sending this seriously #this just like briefly freed me from writer girl jail #i needed air and to see the light #thank you for checking on me #I HOPE YOURE WELL I LOVE YOU YOU ARE SO SWEET #over the last few days i started processing a lot of stuff and i think im understanding a lot more abt what is reasonable #and what is just putting myself thru crazy amounts of horrifying stress for no reason #so im just gonna...do what i want i guess #whatever that means #we just kinda get what we get bc if i do not post something soon im gonna yell im sick of looking at my drafts #i want to vibe again #let me know what u think if u would like but i hope #this makes sense help hsadlksahd #LAST THING I THINK BC OF STANS TOOL POWER #HE CAN KIND OF FUCK W GEARS OR MACHINERY #so when they test him or check people for mutations he makes the machines malfunction #RANDY IS SUPER RACIST AGAINST MUTATED PPL AND ALIENS BTW HES EVIL #so if he found out stan would be dead lmao #so stan just is a secretly mutated person he fucks up a lot tho

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