#im really truly not angry and i really am only hurt. so holding a grudge would be dumb it’s not helping me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lorillee · 9 months

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okay okay hear me out maya and diego for the duo bingo

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU GUYS youre my bestest friends for ever and ever. thank you for indulging me. ok ok ok frankly its literally CRIMINAL that for a relationship that is like literally half the crux of the final case of aa3 there is like. no content . at all. and it breaks my poor heart into PIECES its really truly does. like ok the thing is people only ever seem interested in exploring this relationship via mia but the problem is 1) i dont want it to just be about mia. yes obviously mia is the springboard for this relationship's existence in the first place since she's maya's older sister and diego's girlfriend but like come on guys you are all SO..... sigh. this is such wasted potential. come on 2) THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH ITTTTT

okay because like. personally i think mia & maya's relationship is infinitely more interesting if maya has incredibly complicated feelings that she simply is trying really really hard not to address. like because in aa3 i think if you present mia's profile to maya, maya says that she really misses her and phoenix asks why she doesnt just ask pearl to channel her, and maya gives some complete bs non response of "ohhh i wouldnt want to burden her" or something. which makes no sense. like come on guys. really. anyways maya is the kind of person who really doesnt hold grudges - when people to terrible things her first response is generally more to sympathize with the victim and less getting angry at the perpetrator. even with the mask demasque case where she was a literal victim, she gets mad at phoenix for wanting to defend ron for like a few minutes before letting it blow over and moving on. furthermore, like any ace attorney character, maya also really loves avoiding her problems and trying super hard to Not Think About Them.

with this in mind i think the most interesting way to interpret her relationship with mia is that she does actually feel resentment towards her for frolicking off into the distance to become a lawyer and to some degree kind of abandoning her in the same way that their mom did, but the problem is because its maya her internal thought process goes "i am frustrated at mia for leaving me alone -> but mia loved me -> if mia loved me she wouldnt have wanted to hurt me -> therefore, the problem here is me unjustly feeling hurt as opposed to mia hurting me even if it was unintentional" and she would feel so guilty about having any sort of resentment towards mia (especially now that shes literally Dead) that she loops back around to pretending everything is Normal and Fine and Good so that she doesnt spiral into a guilt feedback loop. NOW. with this in mind.

ive already talked about this a bit between my art post and my mildly extended thoughts which im not going to bother repeating here so go read that if youre interested in the cuter details but objectively i think the best possible ending for diego is after he does his prison time, maya & pearl invite him to come live with them (he doesnt have a job, he presumably has no living relatives, and most importantly he's adjusting to having a significant disability in the world after spending the past like 5 years in prison and therefore absolutely somebody who should not be living alone right now). now ive already talked a bit about the cute stuff because like ok yes . i do enjoy some good domestic shenanigans. however . the fey family period drama is nothing if not full of mental illness and this needs some addressing.

both maya & diego have like . severe issues. with avoiding their personal problems but fortunately for us, . in the words of my good friend. avoiding your problems is really really hard when you invite them to live with you. because like the thing is - and something i think frankly doesnt get addressed enough in anything attempting to explore this relationship in the direction i want - is that ...... maya literally. she couldve died. yes he did put his life on the line to save her and yes that does mean something but also he literally let her walk into that situation in the first place, absurdly bad mental issues or not. and frankly i think maya SHOULD have complicated feelings on it i want that for her. obviously this would follow the same train of thought process as with mia in the sense of "well he saved me and if he wasnt there i Literally Would Have For Real Died and pearl wouldve been forced to live with my blood on her hands (dahlia possession or no) so i cant feel resentful a bit at all or else that makes me a Bad Person". and of course there's the wonderful added complication of the fact that the entire BttT situation is intimately connected to mia with whom she Already has Complicated Feelings That She Is Trying Really Hard To Pretend She Doesn't Have on. there's been a million things said on diegos many many mental issues and i already touched on that very briefly anyways in the earlier linked thought post so im not going to repeat the whole spiel but in short its my opinion that he definitely wanted to have his little redemption by death by the end of BttT but I Won't Let Him. hes not getting off the hook that easy. anyways obviously by the end of this whole thing the Issues come to a head and there is some sort of a serious conversation about the current Situation and obviously not everythings magically fixed, but now that we're not aggressively boxing up our uglier emotions and pretending they dont exist they can actually start getting addressed.

on a lighter note 1) this is very much like an edgeworth & kay situation where its like. diego is too obnoxious to not have a weird little girl following him around and making fun of him all the time to take his ego down a peg or two and 2) also as i said in that other post i wholeheartedly believe maya deserves as many older sibling figures as her heart desires <3 hes like basically her older brother in law anyways . also wait before you go take the gif thats looping in my head like a good 20% of the day

#ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . sorry ill spare you the whole spiel #but tldr throughout the entire stageplay he spends the entire thing with the usual aloof ''lol igaf abt anything going on here'' persona #and this is one of the very very few moments where that actually cracks a bit . in which he actively goes out of his way #to pull maya away from the guy whos name escapes me at the moment #and plant himself firmly between her & the path of possible danger #its not like hes just like. tugging her out of the way. he doesnt even let go of her arm until shes 1) all the way around #and 2) has steadied herself. im obsessed with this gif its everything to me.#AAAAAAAAAAAAAGUH ok its fine its fine i can be normal. ok anywyas #ask game answers #karmaicperfection #graymer #diego armando #maya fey #mia fey #the fey family period drama #<- you know what. im putting these in the sorting tags i feel like i said enough that it warrants it #anyways. THANK YOU FOR INDULGING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i love them <3

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scxrlettwxtches · 4 years

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[8:14p.m.] kiss at the other’s place + confession | lee minho

warnings: swearing

requested: yes!

a/n: im sorryyy, anon, i hit a bit of a slump when i wrote this, so it’s not my best work T_T

With potato chip bags, a bowl of popcorn, and a half finished cup of boba all sprawled out around you, you had no intentions of getting up from the comfort of your couch, feasting on your spoils as you rewatched Avatar for the 600th time.

That’s why you were ready to smack whoever was ringing your doorbell, pressing the button three times, indicating urgency. You groaned, slithering off the couch like a blob of goo as you made your way to the door. With the rain pouring outside, you half expected the person at your door to be a serial killer, which was why you almost shrieked when you opened it to find none other than your best friend standing in the front porch, shivering and sopping wet from head to toe.

“M-minho?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” you exclaimed, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him into your house. He was dressed impeccably, wearing a suit and dress pants that just looked so dashing on him if he wasn’t doused like a wet dog, “Aren’t you supposed to be at prom?”

The boy finally looked at you, his gaze harsh and glinting, and you gulped instinctively, “Why weren’t you at prom?” he snapped back.

“I wasn’t going. I thought you knew,” you said, blinking confusedly before moving to walk away from him, going to get a towel so he could dry himself off. Minho, however, had other plans, and his hand lashed out, grabbing your wrist.

“You didn’t tell me,” he spoke. His voice sounded angry, but the way his hand trembled as it gripped your wrist and the way he refused to look you in the eye made you almost believe that he wasn’t angry, but hurt.

You did your best to shrug it off, pulling your hand away from his, “Oops, I guess I forgot. Lemme go grab you a towel,” you said, turning around once again, and Minho finally snapped.

Moving forward he grabs both of your shoulders and pins you against the wall, his eyes blazing, “Why are you doing this?!” he yelled. Your eyes widened at the way his wet hair fell below his eyes, and you tried your best not to acknowledge how fucking handsome he looked at that moment.

“What exactly am I doing?” you said passively, keeping your voice even.

Minho’s lip quivered, and for a moment, you thought he was about to cry, but a bitter laughter tumbled out of his mouth, “What are you doing?” he repeated your question, and the smile on his face grows stony, “You’re pushing me away!”

“I’m not!”

“Bullshit!” he yelled, his face moving even closer to yours, “I had no idea where you were. I looked all over school to find you. I had to ask our friends in order to find out you were here! Everyone besides me, your best friend, knew you were staying at home, and you have the heart to tell me that you’re not pushing me away?” Minho’s voice cracked at the end, and you could only stare at him, the confusion clear on your face.

“Why were you looking for me?” you asked curiously, “You were going to prom with Yeji. You didn’t have to waste time looking for me. Did you honestly expect me to be there?”

“Yes, I fucking did,” Minho’s anger returned in full force as he tightened his grip on your shoulders, and he spit out the words like they physically hurt him, “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Forgot what?”

The hurt was now clear as day in his eyes, and you almost felt bad, the only thing preventing your guilt was the knowledge that you didn’t do anything wrong.

“Our promise, Y/N, our fucking promise!” he yelled, “We promised in freshmen year that we’d dance together at prom! You forgot all about it, didn’t you?”

Suddenly, the anger rose in your chest because how dare he yell at you as if you were the one that betrayed your promises to each other, “I forgot? Are you fucking serious right now?! You’re telling me that you actually cared about that stupid promise when you straight up told me that you were going to ask Yeji out to prom?!”

“What does that have to do with our promise?” Minho scoffed, and your heart has never felt more pain.

“Everything, Minho, everything!” You finally push him harshly, causing him to fall back a couple steps in surprise. You’d never done this, you’d never fought against him before. You were always such a passive person, always willing to do what other people wanted without holding grudges or getting angry. And yet, here you were, your eyes filled with fury, frustration, pain.

You ran a hand through your messy hair and you backed away as soon as you’d lashed out at him, “Go take a shower and get changed. You know where your clothes are,” you said, your voice tight as you walked away.

“H-hey, we haven’t finished--”

“Just go take a shower, Minho!” He backed away in surprise at the way your voice broke into a sob as you rushed into your room, slamming the door without hesitation. It was a miracle that your parents were away on a business trip.

The moment you heard the shower turn on, you lifted your head from where you’d buried it under the pillow. With distinctively red and puffy eyes, you waddled back to the couch, bringing your pillow with you so you could cuddle it like a plushie.

You felt the couch dip a couple minutes later, a sensation that you ignored. Minho only let out a soft sigh, knowing that when you were angry, you were outrageously stubborn.

He reached out to you when the tension was just too much to bear. His fingers brushed your cheek, and you visibly flinched, jerking away from him. It was almost laughable how that simple movement from you hurt more than all the scathing words you spat at him.

“Y/N, please…tell me what’s wrong,” he implored, and his hands not ceasing to try and bring you back to him, knowing that his words might only push you away. He tried his best to be as nonthreatening as he could, trailing his fingers delicately down your arm to settle at your waist. It was a foolproof tactic, one that would always bring you to melt into his embrace whenever you were stressed.

But this time, it didn’t have the same effect, because you shoved his prying hands away, “Y/N, come on,” he begged softly, trying again, his fingers gently tugging at the curve of your waist when you finally snap.

“Stop it!” you grabbed his hands, pushing them away with such vitriol that Minho wondered with horror if he’d really done something to you that was so unforgivable that you’d push him away like this.

“Stop what?” he asked, his eyes wide with desperation.

“Stop doing this!” you threw your hands up in frustration as you whirled on him, but all Minho could see was the tears pooling in your eyes. Did he do this to you?

“Stop touching me like that, stop looking at me like that, just--just why won’t you let me get over you in peace?!” your voice broke into a soft whimper, and Minho’s jaw went slack.

Minho stared at you as you continued, hugging the pillow to your chest, “Stop running over in the rain to see me, stop giving me a reason to hold onto hope, and stop bringing up the stupid promise you’d made that caused me to fall so, so in love with you, my best friend.”

The tears rolled down your cheeks as you fell apart, burying your face in the pillow to muffle your cries. How embarrassing, to cry in front of your best friend and crush. The shame burned in your throat, and you shoved the tears down, trying your best to close the lid tightly. Pull yourself together, Y/N.

“Sorry,” you muttered, lifting your face up from the pillow and beginning to furiously wipe at your tears with your hand, “I’m sorry, that was really dumb, I--”

Your words are cut short as you feel the softest pair of lips against yours. Minho. Lee Minho, the love of your life, was kissing you like you would break if he kissed you to roughly, and the emotions you frantically tried to shove in a box reemerged with full force, bursting out in fireworks of euphoria and childlike giddiness.

“Minho, w-what--” your words are slurred, almost incomprehensible against Minho’s intoxicatingly innocent kiss, pulling the feelings you were trying to bury straight out of your gut.

Nonetheless, Minho answered your confusion with his soft words, “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, his hand slipping to touch the back of your neck, “I’m so fucking sorry. I was such an idiot.”

“Wh-what?” you finally managed to pull away from him, your chest heaving as you look at him with wide eyes, “What do you mean?”

Minho shook his head, lowering his gaze before he shifts forward, burying his head in your chest as his hands grip your arms, “I like you, Y/N.”

You froze in his arms, your fingers which were busy carding through his damp hair as a way to soothe his apparent anxiety now stopping short, “What? B-but,” you stammered, “Yeji--you asked her to be your date--”

“It was a way to make you jealous,” Minho finally confessed, too ashamed to look you in the eye, “I told you that I would ask Yeji to prom to see how you’d react. When you only congratulated me, I thought--I thought it was an indicator that you truly didn’t remember the promise we’d made, so I continued with the ruse to see if you’d ever stop me.”

The icy walls around your heart began to chip away little by little, “Minho, why would I have stopped you from finding your happiness?” you asked him gently, “If you wanted to go with Yeji, I would never take that away from you, no matter how I feel.”

“But my happiness is with you, and I was so stupid to mess with it just because I got jealous,” Minho mumbled, his fingers trailing back down to play with your soft waist, “I’m sorry.”

You sighed, shaking your head as you tilt Minho’s chin up, pressing your lips against his. The kiss meant many different things. It was a forgiveness to his apology, and a silent apology of your own.

“I’m sorry for not being honest with you,” you murmured against his lips, and Minho let out the softest sigh of relief as he literally melted into your arms, pulling you closer until you were practically on his lap.

When your sorrows were both appeased, and Minho lay on top of you happily, his head on your chest as your fingers carded through his hair.

“Y/N, dance with me.”

You let out a noise of surprise, “Right here?”

“Yes, here,” Minho pushed himself up, hovering above you as he pecked your lips softly, tugging at your lower lip with his teeth and drawing out a whine from you.

Who really gave a shit about prom? You certainly didn’t, especially when you were pressed against Minho’s chest as the two of you swayed happily to the music playing from your phone.

#inkidz #stray kids reactions #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids drabbles #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz oneshots #skz reactions #stray kids x reader #skz x y/n #skz x reader #lee minho imagines #lee minho scenarios #my fics

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windpeakofficial · 3 years

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CAMELIA WINDPEAK || INTO THE WILDWOODS

- in which camelia goes on a planned expedition to open up the secrets beyond rovar's gap.

(i wrote this at 2 last night and i am REALLY rusty im sorry lol)

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 10:30 AM || DUNDULL, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

The sun struggled to shine through the thick, frosted over window panes of Dundull Stables.

Last night had marked one of the first harsh frosts to come this season. Sure, southwestern Jorvik had pretty simple winters, especially compared to the northeastern territories, or Camelia's hometown of Beauvista. Still, however, a chill managed to creep its way through a loose board in the barn - accompanying the sounds of mucking, horses making conversation, and the looming echo of the kitchen's radio playing "Walking in a Winter Wonderland."

As Camelia adjusted the girth of her treeless saddle, she received a calm nudge in her side from Pepper. Turning to face her, she received a face full of mare stare and a snort - causing her to giggle. "Don't you ever like anything on your back?" She chuckled, slipping a light brown bosal over Pepper's ears and mounting.

Before the team knew it, they were already on the way to Mistfall's Ranger camp.

Cam knew that it would only be fair if she brought this specific mount out for the trip into the Wildwoods. Being a retired Jorvik Ranger horse from right here in Dundull, she knew that Pepper would not only appreciate the gesture, but also guide her from years of taking the trails. She had received an invite from Alonso about a month ago, asking if she wanted to come and help out. Happy to oblige, and possibly find a few secrets, she agreed and booked a stall to board in.

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 11:00 AM || MISTFALL RANGER STATION, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

Coming up the hill to the station, she could already see 4-5 rangers come into view, one of them being a happy, waving Alonso. Though excited to meet everyone, she couldn't help but be apprehensive. How couldn't she be, really, considering that they were going into an area that hadn't been explored for years and she was doing it with none other than a bunch of strangers.

Waving happily, she dismounted and led her mare to the newly-lit campfire. Breathing in the scent of marshmallows, she grinned and introduced herself. Everyone seemed fairly sweet ( except for that Nova chick, no clue what her problem was ) yet something just felt... off. Rowan Allaway - but what really bugged her was the fact that she couldn't figure out why. They were just different, mysterious, confusing.. too much that could be feared, she supposed. They said that they'd "heard things about her" and that if they're true, she'd be useful... Regardless, she dropped the topic once she saw a familiar haflinger and its' rider approaching them.

Rania. That put her at ease. She smiled at her warm greeting, replied happily, and before they knew it they were off.

Cam heard everyone chatter amongst themselves and eachother until she became fairly certain that she was being ignored. She didn't know why, really, but it didn't matter. She had already zoned out - the only thing her subconscious picked up was the rambunctious stories that Rowan was telling and the occasional remark from Alonso, Rania or Yousef. She felt magic teeming stronger and stronger as they got closer to the passage.

"Camelia?" A voice called out, shaking her from her thoughts. "Can you join us for a group picture before we head in?" Rowan beams and her stomach churns uncomfortably. Her mouth twists into a smile.

"Sure, I'd be happy to."

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 11:30 AM || ROVAR'S GAP, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

Pepper nervously stepped up the hill, ears partially pinned in an uncomfortable listening position. She spooked when Astrid let out a loud gasp, stepping aside a few hoofbeats.

"Sorry everyone, she's a little on edge." Cam apologized "Astrid, is everything okay?"

"It grabbed me! It reached out and GRABBED me!" The ranger practically screamed. Cam's gut did flip-flops. There is definitely magic here. She sensed it.

The rest bickered back and forth, forcing Cam to try and focus back into reality even though her soul was trying to comprehend the magic. "Not now, Cam. Not now" she mumbled, sighing as she watched Yousef gallop away with Astrid and her steed in tow. Rania looked at her quizzically.

"What do you make of all this?" She asked softly, causing Cam to gulp.

"I- think there's a lot more to this place than what meets the eye." She blinked, urging Pepper up the mountain, still bothered by the underlying power.

As the team of two headed near the top of the hill, they fell back. This gave Cam some time to pull out her camera and sneak some photos of the beautiful landscape. Despite the fear factor, it was gorgeous nonetheless. Beauty carved out by the hand of Aideen herself and- what was that Enitan was saying up ahead?

"Enitan, what were you saying?" She trotted up to the group, slipping her camera back into her saddlebag. "Sorry, I was lost in the landscape."

This caused the man to chuckle "The deer, Camelia, it's very special. It watches over the woods." This also caused Tiera to laugh. What was up with awkward laughter today?

"It's a genetic effect called leicism, though sometimes certain environmental elements come into play - like radiation! Enitan, where do you come up with these stories?" She bickered, causing Enitan to sigh and look toward the gap that Rowan was standing in.

Woah.

Cam and Pepper were speechless. Their hearts pounded in an almost perfect sync. This was a large valley with trees that touched the skies. They went on for miles, fresh breeze flowing through with hints of magic. It was stunning. The grasses grew wild, yet kept a manageable length. This place was truly a wonder.

And then it started to pour.

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 12:30 PM || WILDER’S VERGE, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

Pepper was almost eye to eye with Dellingr, keeping it together only through the bond they shared. One thing she had to say about that horse, he wouldn't leave Rania if his life depended on it. He pranced through the mud, huffing and puffing through the lowering temperatures.

CRACK!

Pepper leapt back what could've been called a foot. She exhaled heavily, watching Shay gallop away without his rider.

Cam blinked, exhaling with the same volume of her horse. She held Pepper's reins tightly and walked carefully toward a dazed Rowan.

"Someone's gotta go after Shay before he hurts himself!" And as soon as you both made eye contact, you knew who it was going to be.

Thunder boomed as Pepper tried her best to find her footing, huffing and puffing, snorting for the horse to calm down. Camelia's eyes blurred from the bitter wind hitting her face. As they neared the steed, the girl stood out of her saddle, leaning toward Shay until she managed to catch his headstall between her fingers, pulling back and letting out a pronounced "HO! EASY!"

The bridle slipped out of her hands, forcing her to find her seat again before Shay came to a sliding stop about twenty-five feet in front of them. Without hesitation, the tattered woman dismounted and began to step toward the panicked horse, humming softly. All of a sudden it was just her, this horse, and the world. She silently thanked Rhiannon for training her in the gift of wind whispering and soul riding in the back of her mind.

She loved the way the magic felt. It coursed through her veins like life blood, and everything felt so loud. Colors were brighter, feelings were stronger, and every sense she had was awake and vibrant. Before she knew it, her hand instinctually stroked his muzzle. She turned around and walked back to the gang, Irish cob in tow.

"Thanks for bringing him back to me, Camelia. He's a real beaut, but he's still learning the ropes." Rowan smiled. Cam felt an exhausted smile bubble to the surface of her mind, tired from the power she used in front of this unknowing, motley crew, but still being careful. Maybe they weren't so bad.

Enitan mumbled to himself "I think this forest doesn't want us here. It seems.. angry." A visible chill ran down his spine, either from the low temperatures or the fact that he was just.. scared.

"Stop getting yourselves all worked up." Rowan sighs "Nature holds no grudges, it only acts on its' own behalf."

Cam performed the most overly exaggerated eyeroll ever, stifling a laugh when she heard Tiera giggle. Nobody said a word and they continued on their hack, though Cam reached over and tapped Enitan on the leg, nodding understandingly at him.

She hadn't really realized this, but the rain had stopped completely. All that she recalled was that she felt the sun beaming on her skin when she was calming Shay. Who knows what happened, really. Magical properties were a fairly large gray area in Jorvik.

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 1:00 PM || REDWOOD POINT RANGER STATION, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

Cam smiled fondly as they reached the abandoned lodge. She could tell this was a really cozy place at one point, though quite frankly, she also figured that there was a 99% chance that there were 1-3 dead people inside. Who knows, though!

Everyone was given their individual tasks, and Cam quickly volunteered to fix the paddock. She had done it several other times when working at other places, and it was quite easy as long as you had a couple nails on hand.

One fence, three fence, brown fence ... brown fence. She was done! She quickly slid her helmet back and wiped some sweat off of her brow. Hearing a twig snap and, assuming it was Pepper, she turned with a friendly greeting.

"Hey, Pepper, I'm done a-"

Oh.

It was Enitan's deer.

That had to be what it was.

It had a sleek build covered in vines and glowing blue flowers. At the base of its neck emerged a proud, bright white coat with shiny, hollow looking baby blue eyes that strikingly resembled Rania's. Was it blind? You know what, that doesn't matter right now.

Cam reached out and slid her hand down its wet nose. The creature sniffed curiously, making her giggle, and galloped off. She let out a delayed flinch and looked over to her mare, as if to confirm "Did that just happen?"

Yes, that just happened. She guessed she would just- go back to the station, then. Wordlessly, she slid onto Pepper's back and trotted back to Rowan and the cabin. As she approached them, they gave her a peculiar look.

"Is everything okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." They squinted. Cam internally argued with herself, trying to figure out if she should tell them or not - or rather, if they'd believe her.

"Nope, it's all good. The fence is in tip top shape." She smiled, putting on a facade. This is a discussion to have with Enitan, she decided.

"Alright, well, you should get some rest. You look dog tired." Rowan chuckles warmly. She grimaced internally at the thought of napping at the cabin. Hopefully someone brought something a bit more comfortable than the old sleeping bag she used in her junior year of high school. Nevertheless, she nodded and left to untack Pepper.

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 3:45 PM || REDWOOD POINT RANGER STATION, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

Sighing to herself, Camelia turns Pepper out to pasture with the other horses. Grinning wildly, she watches them bounce and play with each other. The sun is already setting due to the season, so she seeks shelter inside the stable and begins to prepare a stall for her trusty mare. She feels her expression soften and, out of habit, begins to hum the same tune she did earlier.

A stall door closes and she doesn't bother to look, until she hears a familiar voice that could light up a room.

"Cam?" Rania questions "I recognize your humming. Is that you?"

Cam nods instinctually before snapping into reality and correcting herself "Oh! Yes, Rania, it's me. Do you need any help?"

"No," the dark haired girl grins softly "I just had a feeling, you know-"

"A feeling?" Cam blinks. "What kind of feeling?"

"Well, the rangers' exploration is over, but... I've a feeling yours isn't?" Her grin turns into a smile. "I felt what you did with that horse. I might not have been able to see it, but Aideen willing I felt it."

Cam trails off, just saying that the "humming" was merely something she's tried with other wild horses and it seemed to calm them. Rania clearly didn't buy it, but she knew that she could grill Cam on it later.

"Regardless," Rania taps the door of Dellingr's stall "what do you say you and I do a little exploring?"

Cam's face explodes from Rania's contagious grin.

And that's exactly what those two girls did, too. They wandered all over the woodlands with their mounts, taking pictures and describing landmarks.

FIN. 2161 WORDS.

| ❆ | [ 11 / 11 / 2020 || 6:30 PM || WILDWOODS, JORVIK ] | ❆ |

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barnesbabee · 2 years

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Confessions confessions oh confessions ....

I am not passionate about 99% of things and only am doing it because everyone else is moving forward ... and i am forced to. Even though I am burnout from it, i hide it so people like my parents think I'm doing ok.

The only thing I have passion for, truly, is singing. I lowkey hold a grudge over my parents for not letting me pursue this back when I was younger. Now i am trying to convince my dad to let me get a good mic. I have money, but i have never purchased anything without my dad knowing and its going to stay that way. I guess its one of the ways i can respect him.

I get pretty violent when i'm angry; built up frustration - sadness - anger - disappointment type angry. Its like a different conscious & that I see myself from the back view. I try to stop myself from destruction. Its been working pretty good.

I can be pretty judgemental but i hold in it because hurting people's feelings on purpose is not what i want to do.

I really wanted to go to Wales (i am a dual award student) like my friends but I told my dad "its ok, I'm fine, really" when I couldn't go. Tho i shed a tear or two.

I don't like Take Me Home as much as people make it out to be.

Hated everyone besides Yunho when i first knew kq fellaz. Esp Jongho, Hongjoong and Seonghwa. But look at me now ... biggest jongho simp to ever exist.

Hate the fact that San's eyesbrows are so thin now. I want to fire whoever made this decision because if it keeps going, he might have no eyebrows left.

People say forgive and forget. I do. Except for that specific group of my hs teachers. When i say I will slap them the second I see them, i mean it. People take it as a joke, but the nightmare experiences they put me in, a slap does not do me justice one micro bit.

I forgive most people pretty quickly even if they don't say sorry.

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anyway ... how have you been doing? I just finished my dissertation and now have a few days of free time before finals. Should i study? Yes. Will i? No. Why? I am too fucking exhausted.

Also might be getting another cat, who knows.

I- miss thang I thought yall were gonna tell me you fucked someone's parents I am not mentally stable enough to advise in these matters- but I will try

as for the 'I don't like what Im doing' a lot of the times with strict parents (which seems the case) all you can do is wait until you're on your own to pursue said dreams, cause while youre working on it and still live/depend on them you'll never hear the end of it and it's just gonna be a huge pressure to do well instantly because of them

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oh no cause I also have anger issues it's actually really bad idk what to tell you there

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take me home?? who that is

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TEA

hongjoong sometimes makes me wanna punch him ngl

but that is SHOCKING, jongho????

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mfs really fucked it up bro, did the same to Seonghwa LEAVE THEM ALONE

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Im 2 seconds away from killing myself every second of the day, but we carry on

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thyrideneverends · 3 years

Text

(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

_______________________

Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

____________________________________________

Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

_____________________________________________

You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different? But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

_____________________________________________

Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

______________________________________________

We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

________________________________________________

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whatswithinme-blog · 6 years

Text

damaged forever.

We think we know what ‘love’ means, but do we really know? We toss the “L” word around and we forget the true meaning of it. To me, Love is a feeling that is hard to explain in words and much easier to show with action. For instance, the love I have for my family is unconditional - as much as they annoy me and frustrate me, I will always love them; and the love never goes away.. I’ve learned to truly love because of my family.

When my boyfriend came into my life. The love I gave him grew more and more each day. I gave him my undivided attention, I did everything to make him happy, to see him smile. I cared for him, I made sure to treat him better than anyone else. I prioritized him. The love I gave him was the same love I gave my family. He was my family. But I didn’t get the same love in return. That didn’t matter to me though… at least not at that time…

Just two years into our relationship - he began to ignore me. I’ve shared stories with him, asked him about his day, asked him to tell me what his thoughts are. His response? Absolutely nothing. If I pried it out of him and asked: “Why dont you talk to me? Why dont you respond? HELLLO? Do you hear me?” Still, absolutely nothing…. He gets defensive, “Well what do you want me to say?? You ask me ‘how is your day?’ every single day!!! My day is the same. My answer is the same. I go to work. THATS IT.” I am sad. We drive in the car together, I tell him a story, it’s a funny story, so I glance over to see his response; maybe just a smirk? Nothing…. so I get offended - “Hey I’m talking to you!!!!” His response? “WELL IM DRIVING. I HAVE TO FOCUS!” Oh…. ok…. sorry… I am sad. We go out for dinner. We sit down and order our food, while waiting, I talk to him, but he doesn’t reply; we get our food, he eats it, then we pay for the tab and leave. I am sad. He comes home from a long day of work. I’m so excited to see him and talk to him. He’s just scrolling on his phone while I’m talking to him.. “I BARELY LOOK THROUGH FACEBOOK. YOU ACT LIKE IM ON THIS ALL DAY.” I confront him over and over about this same situation. He continues to be emotionless and unexpressive, at least just with me. He still ignores me til this day. And I still remind him to stop these behaviors every day...

Im sure he listens closely to me, but doesn’t know what to say. When I express my concern about anything to him, his mentality is “well what do you want me to do?” the answer is NOTHING. I just want you to be there for me and understand how I feel. Just be there and make sure I’m ok. For him, it’s usually in the context of “How can I fix this?” and he tries to respond with solutions, rather than expressions of how he feels. This can be a deeply ingrained habit, and hard to break. When I talk to him, I may simply be attempting to share my experiences or feelings, but he feels this urge to help, rather than commiserate or share in return, but not know how, or what to do. So he stays silent.

he just… doesnt know how to respond to some of the things I said, and never learned the social skills to communicate that he heard me and appreciated me. So he ignores me. It wasn’t that he didn’t feel those things - he just didn’t know how to communicate it through everyday conversation. It was a pattern of communication in his own family. But, the real question is whether these type of interactions are what I want in this relationship. For me, it became very frustrating and made me feel small, even if he didn’t mean it, and I found myself craving conversation. Is this something I want to have in my relationship? Is this the person I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life...? It may be, just an idiosyncrasy in his communication style, and have nothing to do with me. but it upsets me. Not acknowledging when someone has spoken to you is rude. Though in a relationship a person should be able to let slip the rules of etiquette once in a while, this particular breach is hurting my feelings. I’ve let him know that even if he doesn’t have a comment on what I was talking about, I still need to know that he was listening. It can be as simple as an, oh yea? or an uh-huh, or just a hug if it’s something that I’m upset about. Even if the topic of conversation isn’t something he cares about, he should care about MY feelings. I’ve let him know how his actions are affecting me, but he continues to act that way…………Why? Iduno.

Honestly, it’s not at all an issue when I’m feeling awesome about myself, but when I’m not…it’s a huge, glaring, and sometimes painful issue. You count on your significant other to bolster you when you feel bad about yourself, not make you more insecure.

If a coworker said something to me in the break room, no matter how uninterested I was in the topic, I would make some reply. Hell, I would reply to someone in the line at the grocery store. If he can’t empathize enough to see that a response is needed, that’s a definite red flag.

I try not to lose hope. I continue to talk to him, share my thoughts, ideas, stories. I continue to remind him to stop ignoring me. I know it takes time to learn, so I gave him 6 years. But eventually I lose motivation. I’ve been hurt. I become less expressive. I get angry easily. I am not the same hopeful person I used to be. I began to pick fights with him. I began to get him angry - it was the only emotion I was able to get from him..

But I couldn’t let him go. I picked him to be MY person. I invested all my time and energy to mold him into the person I wanted him to be. But after 8 years, I realized he wasn’t that person. At least not for me.

He doesn’t really love me because I’ve watched him interact with his family. The people he truly loves. When he is around them, he’s so kind, so caring, so interactive, so positive, so engaging, hes amazing. When hes having a bad day, I can’t fix it, but when hes with his family, theres a light that shines on him. His mood is lifted and his emotions are elevated. So I thought I had hope. I wanted him to feel that for me. I knew it was within him because I saw it!

But I am wrong. I can’t make him give me the same love he gives his family. The love he has for me will never be the same as the love he gives his family. I am not family to him. I’m an outsider. He’s comfortable joking around with his family in spanish. I dont understand what they are saying, but hes giggling, so I know hes happy.

When he leaves his family, and comes home empty, I’m used to being greeted by a miserable shadow of that smiling entity. For a long time it made me really upset (after all, as his girlfriend, don’t I deserve the same treatment?), but then I realized something: he let’s me see how he truly feels. No need to pretend around me, and he may have to “Fake it ‘till you make it” with his family and friends, but I’m the person whom he takes solace in.

Perhaps he already thinks that because I am by his side, that I will not leave him. If that is the case, then he is taking advantage of my presence. Sometimes, people tend to think that the more ‘comfortable’ you are with someone, the more ‘okay’ it is to treat them less than with the effort they first put in.

Over the years, I become jealous. he treats me unfair, rolls his eyes at me, ignores me, gives me attitude, is rude… But he doesn’t treat his family like that. I am not his family. I am just a girl he’s comfortable with. He treats all his cousin’ and brother’s girlfriends with respect, gratitude, love… However, the person they know isn’t the person I know, and it’s rather endearing. I see the side of him that no one ever sees. I am heart broken.

When I tell him all the things he does that hurts me, I hope that he loves me enough to keep that in his conscious mind when he interacts with me. If he really loved me, he would think twice before doing it. But he doesnt really care. He continues to hurt me by doing the same thing over and over. One day, he will find someone that he truly loves - like he loves his family. I am sad that I have never gotten that same love. But I will be happy for him.

Our relationship is damaged forever. Every time he ignores me. Every time he gives me attitude. I get defensive. I get angry. I get so frustrated. I backlash at him. My anger elevates with each negative interaction we have. I can’t go back to baseline. I stop having hope. I know he tries. He has gotten better over the past few years. But why does it still have to be a problem til this day? Why does he still do the same thing over and over? Why does he still hurt me when he knows exactly what to do to solve it? I dont understand... The solution is right in front of his face, but he chooses to disregard it.. to disregard me.

He gets mad that I always “bring up the past”, that I “always hold grudges”, that I’m always picking fights with him over the “smallest things”- but what he doesn’t realize, is that he conditioned me to be this way. Our past experiences and memories is what makes up our relationship in the present. So when he ignores me, gives me attitude, gives off negative vibes, even if its for a split second - I recollect all those hurtful memories of the past and I get reminded of how terrible I feel for myself..

I’m still waiting for the day he talks to me and engages in conversations - asks me questions and has enthusiasm in his voice. I’m still waiting for the day he doesn’t release negative vibes or energy towards me (for no apparent reason). I’m still waiting for the day he shows emotion and expresses himself to me. But until that day comes, I will find happiness and love within myself.

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alyssheart · 6 years

Text

confessions and story time

i know i haven't posted any of my art in a while. im sorry about that, but i feel inspired after watching a few youtube videos about depression and suicide awareness and i want to tell my story. and its LONG.

A lot of what im about to say no one but my closest friend of 15 years knows. My family, my other friends. no one knows. but here i am about to tell my story, poor grammar and all. so here's your TMI and trigger warning. Let's dive deep

Let me give you some back story. I am 29 years old. I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. I have 2 amazing little boys, a beautiful daughter who passed away (more on that later). I have a very supportive and understanding fiance. And my family, although a bit dysfunctional at times, is an amazing support group for me and loves me unconditionally.

That being said, there are things that i never told anyone because im one of those people that dont like to burden others when there's so many other, more serious issues that are going on around me to others that i care about.

When i was a little kid, i was adventurous, curious, a little shy. I was 100% a daddy's girl. In my eyes daddy could do no wrong. My mom and i were close too, but in a different way. Dont get me wrong, i LOVE my mom, i always have but it took my mom and dads divorce and a lot of self reflection and hearing stories to know my "do no wrong" dad was anything but.

That, however, is not my story to tell, but its where my story starts.

When my dad left us, we had just moved to Ohio from Alabama. I was young, 6th grade. Of course i stayed with my mom, and my dad moved back to Alabama. I took this hard, i stopped taking care of myself. I didnt shower, i didn't brush my teeth, i didnt want to. my mom would have to force me to not be the smelly kid. my grades in school plummeted, i just didnt care.

a few years passed and then BOYS. Now, since i was young, even in Alabama had "boyfriends". But when i say BOYS i mean preteen-teenager hardcore "im in love and will never love anyone else!" kind of BOYS.

That's when i started taking care of myself again. I would hang out every Saturday night at the local skating rink. thats where i met him. my beginning to my end. my first "love". For protection, we'll call him Steven.

Steven was 2 years older than me, so cute, a sweet talking, gangster wanna-be. the bad boy your mother warns you about. He and i started a relationship that lasted on and off for 4 years.

He cheated on me a lot. Not sleeping around, because he was only 13 (at the begining, i was 11) at the time, but writing notes to other girls, kissing etc. Everytime it would break my little heart, but every time he would sweet talk his way back to me and I'd fall for it EVERY TIME.

lets fast forward a bit, i was now 13, he was 15. My mom is now seeing someone else, who would eventually become my stepdad/little sisters dad. We went to this little town for a semi monthly street fair. While my mom and her new boyfriend stayed at the booth he was working Steve and i started walking around. We walked down this ally way to take a short cut to a store we wanted to visit that sold albums, records etc.

He stopped me in the ally way, and to not become to graphic, things happened. Things I was not ready for, but convinced myself was okay at the time, because i "loved him" and we'd be "together forever ". i cried the entire time, he assumed it was from the pain. It was really because i knew, at this moment i was not ready, and no matter how i tried to convince myself, i KNEW it was wrong. i never said no. i never tried to stop it, that time.

Fast forward again a few months later. My mom drops me off at his house so we could ride to the skating rink together. his parents were home, in the living room and we went to his bed room and i insisted on leaving the door open. he and i had not been alone since that day and i wanted to keep it that way. we started to talk and he asked why we never fooled around after that. I told him that i just didnt want to. i was scared of my mom finding out, or getting pregnant...

He.. got.. PISSED. i mean, he was ANGRY. he held his hand over my mouth so i couldnt scream, grabbed my arm and held me to the wall in his room. He then said "You're tall, fat and stupid. who else is going to love you like i do? So why won't you give me what I need?"

Those words.. stabbed me in my heart like a million daggers. Thing about it was, i wasnt fat.. i was healthy. Yes, i am tall, always have been my dad is 6"7' what do you expect? I also was NOT stupid. i may not have gotten good grades in school but thats because i was not doing homework or turning my work in. not because i didnt understand it but because I didnt care about school.

He then closed, his door, locked it, covered my mouth with his hand, and had his way with me, again....

I sat on his bed and cried until his dad drove us to the skating rink and i found my best friend at the time and told her almost everything that happened in his room that day. She protected me from him the rest of the night. wouldn't let him near me and she and i danced all the anger and pain away.

Of course, im a sucker for punishment and he used all the right words and came back into my life weeks later.

around this time, I started lying to my mom, i stole from my cousin, worst of all i stoped eating. there was a nagging thought always in the back of my mind that i was fat and needed to lose weight. this was actually pretty easy for me. my mom worked A LOT to support me, anywhere from 8-12 hours a day so i would be left at home alone and simply not eat until she was around. I didnt even eat luch at school. id sit with my friends while they ate lunch and i would pretend to have eaten a lot of snacks during the day, or a large breakfast.

Now, remember when i said that i started lying to my mom a lot. It got to a point where she wouldnt believe anything i said. Which, i cant say i blame her, i was being a bitch. But this caused some abuse from my now ex step dad to go unnoticed. I dont blame her for that, looking back now i know she believes me when i would tell her about the time he punched me in the stomach and i think at times she feels bad she didnt believe me when it happened. so i hold no grudges against her. I only bring this up to explain how truly fucked up i was around this time.

So between having to pretend to like my step dad, to Steve getting inside my head, basically starving myself and having my mom not believe a word i said to her about anything. i started to feel so alone....

if you're wondering, the situation with Steve never went any further than those 2 times mentioned. other than that he was the "love of my life".

Eventually the situation had gotten so bad at home that my mom made me start seeing a therapist. He was the 1st person that knew everything, aside from the ally way no one knew about that until I met my best friend Jeff years later.

Fast foward again. My mom gets pregnant with my sister, so we move to a house with my step dad to a new city.

This is where things changed for me, in a positive way. i met Jeff, he became my best friend, my therapist, my brother, my world. He helped me work through a lot of things that i didnt know how to handel. he was there for me when my step dad started abusing my mom. He was there whenever i needed him. he was my saving grace. my angel. He made me stop talking to Steve and preoccupied my time so Steve couldnt weasel his way back into my life. 30 mins isn't much of a drive for a teenager thinking hes about to have sex. Jeff knew this and protected me from it.

Fast forward again, i am now out of high school, im living with this guy who i started dating my senior year. we had been together for 3 years at this point and it was fading fast. we didnt love each other anymore and did everything we could to not be around each other. Thats when i met Chris. My ride or die. the 2nd closest friend i had beside Jeff. I was seriously over weight at this point, and hated myself. i was living with a guy i didnt love but had to pretend i did around everyone else. She was there for me. offered me a roof to live under if i decided to break up with this guy. She would work out with me to help me loose weight, not because she thought i was fat, but because she knew i wanted it. and she gave me the motivation to want to change. then it eventually happened. my boyfriend and i broke up about a week before Easter in 2011.

This is around the time i met my now fiance. my ex and i decided to make it official and move out of the apt my ex and i were living in about 2 months after we broke up, because i wanted things to be official with my now fiance. I moved in with my mom, he moved in with his grandma and that was the end of that.

In November of 2011 after being told i could not have children since i was 19 i got pregnant, with the most beautiful little girl Kairi. Man was she loved. By everyone. not even in the world yet and she was so.. so loved. August 7th 2012 she was stillborn. her cord wrapped around her neck, with a trueknot. she had been dead for a few days before my body decided it was dangerous and needed to come out.

Sept. 1st we burried half her ashes and kept the other half, she is here with me now. My fiance and i decided that we were ready and we needed to try again.

on August 5th 2013 Quin was born. a beautful healthy baby boy, that looked so much like his sister it hurt at first. but that was my baby, the one thing in my life that i was not ashamed of, the one thing in my life that was missing.

Then, to everyones surpize July 25th 2014 Came Silas. my 3rd baby. My beautiful baby boy whom has made ny life and my home so complete.

Happy ending right? Not really. I love my children, i love my fiance, but im scared. im so broken from so many things. im still tall, fat and ugly in my mind. I still try to fix everyone elses problems before my own. I still keep to myself. social situations make me nervous and scared. everything i do feels wrong. im not happy with myself, im not happy with my job, my living situation. Im just not happy.

And yes, at times i have suicidal thoughts. I would never do anything to harm myself, but theres always that thought of "what if". if not for those 2 little boys and their hugs and kisses and just the fact that they need me. i would welcome death with open arms. but for now. telling my story, finally getting everything off my chest is what i need.

im starting Therapy again on March 1st, so hopefully some real professional help will make a differnce.

I felt like i needed to tell this story, not only for myself but for people who know me. for people who get annoyed that i apologize all the time. people who think i hate them because i wont hang out with them. Im trying. i am. im trying to better myself, for me, for you, for my family.

i love each and every one of you so much. i truly do. i dont hate many people. believe it or not Steve and I made amends a few years ago, and even though i would not call him a friend. i forgive him for everything. if i can forgive him and have peace and closure, i can truly say that i believe in my heart of hearts that i am not this terrible moster that i believe i am. I will give chances after chances. I will forgive people fatser for hurting me than the people i love. maybe thats my problem, i dont know. i know ive made mistakes and if the people ive wronged didnt forgive me, i would truly have no one right now.

I want to help people because i cannot help myself. thats my curse.

sorry for the super long post. and thanks for reading my story.

Love always-

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