#im getting flashbacks to when i torpedo'ed my life last summer

[outer-edges]

my anhedonia is at like an all time high right now and it's so terrible because there are so many things i want to want to do right now but i just...i don't care. like i don't give a single fuck. there are things i want to write and edits i want to make and homework i want to do but i just don't fucking care.

like. oh this makes me happy? it doesn't anymore lol.

i want to write? no the fuck i don't. i don't care.

i have homework i want to do? eh, no, it's fucking fine. doesn't matter to me.

i want to make friends? actually, i don't even care to see people it doesn't do anything for me.

anyway. yeah.

#mattie gets personal #this is annoying to post i know but quite literally don't give a fuck #kind of the problem #alongside the anhedonia is just stark indifference towards literally anything in my life #but under that is like the part of me that DOES care and i care DEEPLY #it's just not strong enough to actually do anything #so im just like shouting at myself like “nnoooooo!!! no!!!!!!” but nothing happens #anyway! #im doing great #rereading depression era docs and feeling empty inside #im getting flashbacks to when i torpedo'ed my life last summer #im so alone