#if you wear a leather duster and you're not a vampire you're evil

[jupitermelichios]

Smallville S1 E12

Lets do this guys! This is going to be a long one. This episode is weird and baaaaaaaad.

- It is literally impossible to look attractive in a puffer jacket

- Every kid has to find rose quartz.  Clark has to punch through several feet of earth and crack open geodes with his bare hands to find it. The fuck are the other kids supposed to do?!

- Meteor rocks are on the list. At some point they should probably mention to someone in the outside world that their town is full of a mineral from outer space previously unknown on earth. NASA maybe? This seems like a thing NASA would be into.

- Well this is the most contrived ‘we need a dude to get powers’ moment I’ve ever seen in anything including Saturday morning cartoons. I can just imagine the pitch. “So he’ll be standing on a metal fence on top of a damn (in an area which looks nothing like any part of Smallville) listening to angsty pop punk about needing to be saved, holding kryptonite, and then he will simultaneously try to jump to his death and be struck by lightning, and then Clark will catch him and he’ll be immune to the kryptonite and he’ll get struck by lightning in the heart three times and it will all be framed like a dream sequence and we won’t tell the audience why any of this is happening, and then the opening credits will roll.”

- oh good, Smallville High hires people as teachers who not only verbally abuse their kids in public, they also physically abuse those kids at home, and then they put that kid in the class of their abusive parent. If I had a kid and lived in Smallville, I’d fucking move!

- Well gee, I wonder what could be going on in this episode? There’s no chance it would be a power-swap episode, that has literally never been done before in fiction!

- Whitney might lose his scholarship and he openly admitted he’s not okay. I’m really worried about Whitney. Can we get an episode of Whitney just getting therapy and hugs and homework help?

- “I only decided to sell the shop this morning.” You’ve already got estate agent details and a sign printed! Do you have superspeed?! Do your realtors have superspeed?!

- Everyone looks wrong in this episode. I think its the lighting? But I didn’t recognise Nel and I thought for a minute they’d recast Lex. It’s very strange. I think this is the Twilight zone version of Smallville. The plot is certainly straight out of the Twilight zone.

- Lex, you are a fucking genius. Why can you not see that Clark is a dick?! You can do so much better sweetie. Try Whitney! He could do with some less douchey friends.

- they managed to get a guy thrown through a plate-glass window while in the street, by having a lorry with a window mounted on the back drive through the fight. That’s dedication to tropes!

- Clark legit thinks his parents won’t love him if he doesn’t have powers. A PLUS PARENTING, THE KENTS! Also I’m pretty sure they just told him to go get pissed.

- “Well he did say he wanted to be normal” He has no idea how to protect himself! He’s going to tear all his muscles, work himself to exhaustion and die of heat stroke and alcohol poisoning!

- Apparently teenagers in 2001 were super into 70s si-fi. I mean, it can’t be dated reference, the writers on teen genre shows are also super up on what kids are into, right?

- Eric’s mother backs away and says nothing’s wrong. Shit, his dads going to have him vivisected isn’t he.

- Yes, yes he is.

- Eric just got a leather duster. He’s officially moved from chaotic good to chaotic evil.

- Wow, pretty sure Clark got a broken spine now. Was not expecting him to die 12 episodes in. Guess this is Eric show now!

- DON’T TAKE HIM TO A DOCTOR! HE’S A FUCKING ALIEN!

- Oh Lex, please don’t grovel, he doesn’t deserve your grovelling.

- This is the scene where he kills one of his parents. I hope it’s his dad. It’s not going to be his dad.

- What is it with people with Bobby Drake’s face and getting the cops called on them by family members?!

- WEAPONISE LANA LANG! WEAPONISE HER FOR THE GOOD OF ALL!

- I mean, how worthless Cadmus Labs is really depends on how many Superman clones you want, Lex. They are very good at Superman clones.

- She walked into it, but did you really need to call Victoria a whore Lex? I know you know better than that! You’re the one male character in this who has never been creepy around women!

- “Hey, can I borrow that emotionally important keepsake of your parents death?” “Any reason?” “No, none at all.” “Well that’s not remotely suspicious, here you go”

- Wow, both parents still alive! Good for you Eric, maybe you’re only chaotic neutral.

- Just fucking tell him they’re your powers, Clark, he’s clearly going to die anyway so what does it matter?

- You could have thrown him miles, but no, two feet so he lands on the maguffin that will stop you. Good job Eric!

- “I’m just a misunderstood teen, I’m going to ELECTROCUTE A HELPLESS TEENAGER WHO WANTS TO HELP ME TO DEATH. I’M SO MISUNDERSTOOD!”

- “Hey, Eric had troubles before he got your strength.” Oh great, so you know he’s being abused and you apparently decided that was fine and didn’t bother calling CPS. You’re a stand up guy Jonathan, you really are.

- Okay, I still object to Lex calling Victoria a whore, but I can understand why he’d be angry given she’s sleeping with his asshole dad. Fuck you Victoria, I defended you on the internet!

- Writer: I’ve come up with this great idea - the girl Clark likes will wear a kryptonite necklace! That will add drama and never get in the way. 

- Writer 10 episodes later: I’ve come up with this great way to get around the fact that the girl Clark likes wears a kryptonite necklace!

#smallville #charlie watches a thing #superman #liveblog #smallville recaps #if you wear a leather duster and you're not a vampire you're evil #this is the rules #i honestly can't think of a non-vampire non-evil duster wearer