#if you read the entire thing you've won one of Eddie's mwah kisses

[monsterrae1]

Alright guys, I’ve been thinking about Eddie almost non stop for two days, and this is going to be a long post so I apologize for the rambling before hand, I’ve been trying to put it together in my brain in a way that makes more sense but my brains a little off so here’s a bit of word vomit and my take on What we learned about Eddie in 5x17 (that no one asked for):

(Im also sure I’m not saying anything new, still here it is)

I wanna start with the obvious, I think a lot of us had already figured that Eddie had a hand at helping heavily in his household, specially at raising his sisters, and it was interesting the way it got confirmed; it’s very clear that Eddie it’s a caretaker, we’ve known this for the longest time, from his career choices (going to the Army but choosing to be a Medic, being a firefighter, and even after he quit he stayed at the LAFD because he still wanted to help somehow) to how he is with Chris, to even how he is with Buck, it’s ingrained in him to take care of others, because from a young age he was told he had to.

Even before Adriana was born Eddie was there with his mom, we know that Ramon wasn’t around so it was probably up to Eddie to keep an eye on his mom (this is just speculation on my part obviously), and when the time came and Helena asked him to get help to get to the hospital Eddie was already expected to behave like and adult, why you ask? Well, for a grown up who already knows how things go and work, if you’re told to get help your first thought is 911 or a neighbor, just like Helena said she’d expected him to do, because she as a grown up is what would have done. But Eddie was a child, who didn’t know better, his logic was mom needs to be at the hospital, we’re alone, and there’s a car here, I’m gonna have to drive her there, which is fair logic for a child.

I don’t know exactly how many years are between Eddie and Adriana, we had the comment that at 10 year old he was told he had to step up, so I’m putting this accident either at age 10 or a little less (maybe between 7 or 8 up to 10) but with this family story we already know one thing for sure, Eddie is expected to support his mom and to make decisions like an Adult.

And this leads to Eddie confronting his dad, and his choice of words is really significant here “I didn’t have a childhood, I didn’t had a dad to take care of me”.

Eddie had to give up his childhood, to take care of his sisters, “step up, be the man of the family”, his dad was never around, he is the only boy, he had the pressure of his father to be the son he expected him to be and take care of everyone while Ramon was away. And the way he expressed about his sisters “the girls” I said this in the tags of a post, but that’s not usually how siblings refer to each other, they could’ve said my sisters if they wanted to pull them in the same group and not use a nickname or their names, they chose to have him said “the girls” which is more like a parent refers to their kids, Eddie feels responsible for them, like he had to take care of them more than a brother should’ve.

If you know anyone who has had a hand at raising their siblings they can tell you, you feel responsible for them way way after they’d stopped needing your help (I know I still am and my brother is in his 20s now), Eddie spend his formative years taking care of them, he was told to put himself in the back burner and focus on helping his family, Eddie never had the chance to figure out who or what he wanted. When he told May he had to idea how to go back to who you wanted to be, he wasn’t lying, but I think Eddie doesn’t even know who he wanted to be, what he wanted to be; because he was never giving the chance to explore.

Specially when everything he ever did chose for himself was over criticized by his parents, which brings me to the next part: Shannon and Chris.

We don't know how the Diaz were towards Shannon before they got married and had Chris, but from what we know post-Shannon having Chris and leaving Eddie and Chris, I can only assume they never really liked her; but Eddie did, he wanted to be with her, he wanted a family with her, and whatever mistakes happened on both parts I think we can agree Eddie loved her, and she wasn't accepted by his family, they throw her mistakes at his face, how he should've known better, how he's not doing enough, how when he's doing exactly what his father did (prioritize bringing in money to the family instead of being with them) now it's suddenly wrong and he should do better.

Eddie's such a gentle dad, even when he had no idea what he was doing he was trying his complete best for Chris, he has said a few times that he doesn't want Chris to be like him, because Eddie doesn't want to be like his dad, and Eddie is better than his dad, I think part of Eddie thought "I'm gonna be the father I never had and I'm going to make sure my kid has someone on his corner no matter what" but he still doesn't see himself as enough, because he's always been told he wasn't.

The first decision we see him take for himself was pack their bags and move to Los Angeles, and then he kept Chris close to his heart, not telling the team until a week after he started his job, and even then it was more like he had to tell them rather than he wanted to, because Chris is his, and his alone, and he's afraid to lose him. His parents tried to take him, and Eddie was right when he said they were trying to have a do-over with Chris, they've seen what they did with Eddie and now want to amend it with Chris, and it results in Eddie being a little protective over who comes into Chris' life, we saw it with the 118, we saw it with Shannon, and even Ana.

(This isn't a buddie post perse, but the only one who's gotten a free pass to Chris has been Buck, much like he's also been the only one allowed to help Eddie with Chris and himself, and while that also ties here very strongly, I'm not going into it much on this post)

We saw him struggle with his decision with letting Shannon back into Chris life, the words he uses when he's talking to Buck "Am I doing it for him? or for Me?" Like he isn't allowed to chose this if its for him, because Chris comes firsts, which is fair for a parent to think, but knowing what we know about Eddie now, 3 seasons later, we can also see the "I already chose her for myself once, and it didn't went well, I'm no longer allowed to chose her for myself" and that's how he continues to live his life.

His room is pretty bare, when Chris' room and the rest of the house if fairly warm and decorated, full of life and love, but his own space only has the essentials, he doesn't spend money on himself, to the point that him getting a new truck in S3 was a show of how unwell he was (and I know it's the extreme of it, the fact that it was a big showy truck, but we can also agree that a car is a necessity and while his old truck still worked, I think it's said that it was failing a lot? I don't remember exactly), so I do believe that after Shannon, Eddie refrained from doing things for himself.

Ana wasn't for himself.

I do believe that in the year-two years after Shannon's death and Eddie was single he was happy with that, he had a lot to work through, he had a lot of unprocessed grief and things kept pilling up inside of him, but the fact that he was single was never an issue for him (probably because he wasn't alone, but i'm trying very hard to not make this a buddie post, but I mean, we know how big and important Buck is in his life) and when Ana showed up again, he just saw it as an opportunity to give Chris the family he should have.

Do I believe he did it on purpose? No, I don't. There was attraction there at first, I'm not gonna deny it, but as the relationship moved forward we all saw how much they weren't clicking, and Eddie was trying I'm not denying that, but his heart wasn't on it; he tried to stick it out for Chris, until Buck interfered.

Eddie's healing so much this season, and now he has the time and help he needs to figure out who he is, what he wants, and how happiness (how ever that looks, even if it looks very queer) is something he can have, for himself; hearing him tell his dad he's gonna do better for himself was so powerful knowing how Eddie just didn't thought about himself at all, and how he's choosing healing and a better life, for himself.

I'm excited to see how his arch wraps this season, and also how he's going to continue to grow in S6.

#Eddie Diaz #911 #sorry for the long as post I just wanted to ramble on main #if you read the entire thing you've won one of Eddie's mwah kisses #Eddie diaz meta