#i've always been a little fragile but then i developed a chronic illness in my late teens

[hemlockwilde]

Hi. This is the first song I've gotten myself to share online in two years. When I was eighteen, nineteen, I used to share a lot of music online, mostly fandom covers aka filks but also original music. Then uni and family issues combined to overwhelm my time and my energy, and I burned out at the end of my degree and had a health collapse. In 2019 I bought a great mic and an interface and decided to teach myself how to mix my own music. I knew nothing about mixing and very little about recording; I overthought everything and kept starting projects and dropping them as they got to the recording and mixing stage. I felt that my voice was weak and imperfect and recorded the same songs over and over and over trying to get a "perfect" live recording, each time playing piano semi-improv as I sang.

In 2020 my partner and I went through a hugely traumatic experience and my PTSD went into overdrive in the aftermath. Since then I've developed/had a resurgence of more chronic illness issues and chronic pain; I was diagnosed with endometriosis in late 2021. Apart from recording music being so far from being a priority at the time, I found that my voice was impacted. I lost a lot of breath control and stamina, I couldn't access my full range. It forced me to appreciate that the voice I had always been so hard on was something beautiful, and something fragile that I couldn't force into shape.

I've been doing my best to get back my breath control. It's taken me about nine months to get back to this point. And this time I didn't want to overwhelm myself with an impossible standard or an ambitious mix sound. I'm starting where I left off: simple covers, voice and piano recorded live on the same track. My goal is to let myself learn to record and mix at my own pace, and in the mean time keep sharing my music, even when – especially when – it's not perfect.

Most of all I want to build up to feeling brave enough to share my original work again, because I never stopped writing original music. In the nearly ten years since I stopped regularly uploading music, I've gotten so much better at song-writing. My lyrics are so much better than they were when I was eighteen and the stories I have to tell deserve to be shared. So here's to moving towards sharing them.

#SoundCloud

[royalberryriku]

// vent, personal

TW: psychological and emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mention of threats, family issues, ableism

So for the last few days I think my mum's been in a really bad mood and she's gone back to this really screwed up bad habit of using me as an emotional punching bag and making fun of me / making snide remarks about me when she's feeling off.

I have several mental illnesses and (suspected) chronic fatigue, she knows this, but still she keeps making fun of how I'm unable to do things all at once, miss deadlines, can't always do physical tasks as easily as others, etc. I'm basically just this walking butt of a joke and she's always found it hilarious (I sure don't find it that though) to point out how """useless""" I am and how I can't do shit everyone else (as in: "she") finds "easy".

Twice in a two she's done this in the past three days and I'm so fucking tired of how she just suddenly flips around and decides to be spiteful and nasty towards me for literally no reason and for things she KNOWS aren't purposeful/ my fault.

"Knowing you, you'll only be able to do it once I'm at work because it takes you so long" thanks. Way to remind me that I can't do a bunch of shit at once like you can because I need breaks in between things or I fucking faint or snap emotionally! "You really should have a shower, otherwise you shouldn't go [to my friend's place]" after I showered barely a few days ago KNOWING I struggle with showers and that I was tired and in bed all fucking day thanks a lot! This is one way to make me feel even more tired and make it HARDER TO DO THESE THINGS. What does she expect?? Making me tired and feeling worse and like shit will "motivate" me to somehow "cure" my fucking disabilities as if I can snap my fingers and with a few insults suddenly I can do shit?? That's not how this works.

I've told her before that this makes me uncomfortable too, but she just replies with "you shouldn't be so fragile" and tells me to suck it up basically. It's annoying for one, sure, but it also hurts a really sore spot with how she used to be a lot worse when I was younger and I developed a huge fear of being abandoned/ thrown away after she and my dad split and how she used to threaten shit when I was younger. Little me viewed the split as him being "thrown away" because I didn't understand why and had overheard arguments previously where my dad had been called useless by her. Basically, this is just rubbing it in even more and hurting way more than she realises it does. Actually I don't even know if she doesn't realise, maybe she does but I want to at least be optimistic here.

I hate feeling useless and I already feel frustrated due to not being able to do the things I want to do due to said disabilities listed, she's just continually rubbing it in for her own satisfaction and to have a laugh. It makes me feel like she thinks my only use to her is cheap entertainment and besides that I'm fucking useless and she finds it fulfilling to laugh at that as if I fucking choose to have these issues which limit me to this degree. I'm frustrated and angry, and tbh just overall very tired of this bullshit. I wouldn't make fun of her like this, but it's suddenly justified because she thinks she's entitled to me and I can't have a say in how I'm told fucked up shit that makes me want to fucking die or disappear from her life/ stay tf away from her?? Then she gets mad when I distance myself from her because of this. History fucking repeats itself and she never learns.

Anyway. I'm tired as fuck and I'm angry, so I'm not gonna even be able to sleep to avoid thinking about this, sooo tonight is gonna suck. Can't wait for tomorrow to just have some time alone where I can just rest without anxiety or anything. I just really wanna be by myself and be able to let out that anger and frustration with art and music and not having to please anyone or look any particular way or just... put any emotional labour into anything. I'm just tired and need a rest from my mum's bs rn.

#vent #personal

[tsukidrama]

Yay, more Connie and Jean! I’m happy you’re going to include them in more chapters, I really did like reading the bits with them in it. I don’t even think Annie has left yet, but I’m still very excited to read when she comes home. I’m trying to think of how they’ll both react, what they’ll say, if it’ll be a long hug or a passionate kiss or both. Hard to tell, but I’m very very excited.

I can imagine the reader waking up wrapped in blankets on the couch, because Annie decided to do some early morning engraving on the bed frame. It just couldn’t wait another hour, the idea was still fresh in her mind. Annie would make it up to her with tea or cuddles later, though.

they'll be back! they'll probably make a brief appearance next chapter along with everyone else. chapter 7 is the only chapter that she'll be gone for so it won't be too long, it's just still gonna hurt the whole time. they send each other letters? better than nothing

lmaoooo imagine getting kicked out of your bed so she could carve on it? i'd be so annoyed, but it's better than waking up to the sounds of banging and a face full of sawdust! i couldn't be mad at her either way, it's too intrinsic for her to go too hard or too far without realizing (or caring, tbh).

> Gah— I don’t know when the smut will happen but it hasn’t left my mind! Just the thought of Annie lifting something heavy and wondering why the reader is staring at her, only to ask and have the reader respond with, “Oh, nothing.” Unconvinced, Annie inspects her shirt and accidentally flashes some abs, causing the reader to lay her head onto the table from how flustered she is. Look what this idea has done to me, Tsuki! (Any preferred name? Can I call you Tsuki?) <

yep yep it goes down pretty much exactly like that. "hey Annie could you help me carry this basket of laundry upstairs?" and when she hoists the basket up on her shoulder like it weighs nothing.... ma'am could you please do that to me next? toss me around like i am. a sack of potatoes. ... .

its okay! you can call me tsuki! it's def not my real name but i do prefer to go by a pseud while talking about my writing and smut in particular hah. i don't go out of my way to hide it but these days i only really give it out to people who have unlocked my tragic backstory ?

> I do understand unintentional angst bit in the story! I feel like having a rocky road to happiness is very in character for Annie, but I know in the end she’ll get what she wants and needs. I’m happy we got some fluff in this chapter, and I am looking forward to seeing more fluff (and angst!) in future chapters. <

that's very true -- Annie is the biggest obstacle to her own happiness and especially now that it's the only obstacle she has to deal with. she could and has massacred armies singlehandedly but bitch has no ability to ask for help when she's overwhelmed

> Also, I can’t believe you already had that song! I heard it a week or so ago and immediately thought of Annie! I can just imagine the chapter it goes for is going to be devastating. However, whenever I listen to it I can imagine the reader and Annie slow dancing in a comforting manner and all that cheesy stuff. Holding her close to your chest, having the lyrics, “All I want in life's a little bit of love to take the pain away,” mean so much to Annie. Just— it absolutely fits the story. <

it plays all the time on the pandora station that my job uses, most of the time its the same 10 songs but every so often something genuinely good will cycle into the algorithm.

the lyrics fuck me up when you sit down and look at them (you could go line by line and it all fits). but even just the mumbly dreamy vibe almost nostalgic vibe of the song is really nice and fits the peaceful setting of the cottage.

> I hope you’re feeling well, <

> Pink Anon <

thank you babes you too! have a good week

#pink anon #tsuki answers #also i don't think i may have been entirely forthcoming about this but like. i am extremely sickly all the time #your well wishes are very much appreciated but unfortunately i dont think i will ever reach a threshold of 'good' beyond being out of pain #i've always been a little fragile but then i developed a chronic illness in my late teens #and please dont apologize or feel bad for me im genuinely fine i live w this every single day and i dont like being pitied #but recently i've been sick like #SICK sick. every day that doesn't end with me in the ER is a major win sick