#i've already done enough to pass the year even if this essay sucks but it'll be a neat surprise if it doesn't ASDFGHJ

[miinos]

birthday (neg)

this is the sort of thing I don't want to bother friends with but need to talk about with somebody. because this has been eating away at me for nearly a week. so now, I turn to the internet to feign a connection. anyway

my bday is soon (2 days as of posting, yay). I turn 21- the big(?) number. I feel like I aughta be excited and happy, but I'm not. I'm scared as hell.

I feel like I'm cheating somehow. there's so much I haven't done yet, and when I turn 21 I'm gonna be super ill equipped... comparable to cheating your way to a final boss, but since you cheated, you have no technical skill and get demolished in 10 seconds.

I feel like I'm never gonna be big enough for the age I am. it was like this since I turned 17, my brain has been lagging behind and it makes it super hard to just exist as a 18/19/20 year old when I still have the same interests, social skills, and fears of a teenager.

and though one of those things (interests) are fine to have, being horrible in social situations becomes unacceptable around this age. especially considering the fact my career path deals heavily with hospitality and face-to-face interaction.

I've flopped horribly in my attempts to create new and meaningful relationships since I began college, and I fear Im letting my existing ones wilt. everybody else is growing, and I'm not for some reason. even though the age ticks forward, I'm still internally stuck where I am. I love my friends so much. but I wonder how much of a strain it is to be friends with somebody so.... behind.

I don't know. I'm afraid to get a job, I'm afraid to get my license, I'm afraid of everything. I don't have any charisma to fall back on in times like this, so I really do look like the floundering failure that I feel like. I try my best to just get through the day and go on but I can only do that for so long.

idk what to do abt this. I am not looking forward to my birthday. I'll be home, alone. can't go anywhere because I have no car. even though I have a bus pass, I fear going to the mall alone. so I will be trapped with myself and the sick feeling of entering yet another chapter of my life with nothing to show for myself.

whatever. perhaps I'll sand down the dread with a plamo kit. or gaming. this sucks. I wish I were just a little normal when it comes to this stuff

I didn't know where this fit in the friggin essay I've typed up so I'll just say it here....... i know turning 21 makes it legal for me to smoke and drink and stuff. and I should be happy for that alone. but I'm not. on a sliding scale, 1-10... my excitement for this lands at a 2. I'd like to try some fancy cocktails some day. but even then, I think I'd rather a fancy mock instead. I fear this makes me look like some childish prude, especially amongst my friends and family. I know I'm going to get some jokes about it and I'm already itching at the offhand disappointmemt it'll bring. I think this Mixes in with my overarching sickness with feeling like a lonely teen in an adult body.

#this is long