#i'm turnin 28 soon n it really feels like i'm turnin 18 all over again

[milkywaystarboy]

it's so weird ending a relationship you've been in for multiple years. introduced them to family, they took your last name, you thought that this was a fixture. immutable.

change happens regardless. it's a hard realization to come to, that you're not the same people you were and that as such you're not a good fit as a couple any more. honestly, the new understanding of myself that i gained over the years is what made it harder to accept the change that was happening and act on it.

i have learned that i'm autistic with a pda profile, i have adhd, i'm part of an o.s.d.d. system, and i'm chronically ill/physically disabled. the process of setting aside time for myself to unpack *all* of that trauma; the effects those things have, individually and comorbidly, on me and the way i exist in this world; it has been one of the most tumultuous times of my life. and when i needed support - when i was stumbling through all of this, knocking my knees on half-submerged memories and desperately trying to patch up old wounds - i received none from my spouse.

it's not fair to say that neither of us tried. they tried to engage me as i was drifting, that's true. and i tried to find ways to bridge the gap and offer solutions to the problems they placed before me. however, they ultimately didn't accept the solutions. it was too much reliant on them, they said; too much work on only their part, and it was bad and scary to try to communicate. alright.

((i try not be bitter about how easy it was for them to work through trauma so they could have sex, but when it came to working through trauma to communicate effectively with their spouse, that was asking too much. i try very hard not be bitter about it, and i usually fail every other day. but sometimes i don't. that's progress i think.))

in unmasking my autism, i have also unmasked us as a whole system. skill regression leading to doubt of identity and ability, do i even know what it is to love? to love romantically? have i always been in this much physical pain? especially with a pda profile - pathological demand avoidance, or pervasive drive for autonomy - realizing that i've been in fight or flight mode for my entire life with no reprieve is both exhausting and relieving, in a way. i understand many things better now, and i can take steps to care for myself better, be true to myself. but it's not without its struggles.

it scares me that my adhd makes me forget about people. that if i don't talk to them actively, every day, they fade from the forefront of my thoughts. i know that without the expectations that society puts on us, i could not speak to someone for years and come back to find them and feel the same as if nothing had changed. still view them as a friend; still fall into the easy pattern of comfort and familiarity. but other people aren't like that. they assume that because things have gone quiet, the relationship has eroded.

it has taken work but i have made a few steps towards bein more present for the people i care about. sendin an emoji or a simple message, just to check in, to let them know i thought of them. am always thinking of them. it feels like stepping against the tide. wading upstream. it feels like working against what is natural for me but if it's what i have to do to keep the people who still care about me then i will do it.

i think about the videos i sent to my ex about autism and what pda is, how it affects my interaction with the world. i didn't have the words before this year to describe what was going on or ask for help, but as soon as i did, i tried to communicate it. i don't know if they ever watched any of them, or cared to understand them. i know there were things i could have done better... but there were things they could have done better, too.

we ended things mutually over a month ago. it is so hard to watch them be easily and happily affectionate with their boyfriend and girlfriend. it hurts to see their last name changed to his on their packages. it makes me bitter to realize thks is what they've had the whole time, while i've had nothing. ((i am less better about it with each day that passes; is that progress?)) it stings to feel like i'm the one expected to apologize and admit i fucked up, while they keep piling accusations on me and never admitting to their own mistakes.

but every day, i heal a little bit. i am shown that i deserve the things i desire and that there are people who will give it to me. people who communicate with me wholeheartedly and honestly, to the exhaustive degree required by my nature. i believe a little more that i can find true contentment.

#ventposting here bc i don't wanna do it anywhere else but wanna get it off my chest #i'm okay i jus wanted a place to dump all this #i don't blame them any more than i blame myself but sometimes it feels like the opposite is true for them #anyway. anyone got any good coming of age stories for people in their late 20s? #i'm turnin 28 soon n it really feels like i'm turnin 18 all over again