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#i'm not rewatching speaking of sex atm i just found this in the vaults (my screenshot folder)
grahamdollton
·
2 months
Text
#my peculiar wife
#i'm not rewatching speaking of sex atm i just found this in the vaults (my screenshot folder)
#then again i might rewatch it today because i feel like shit and seeing him in such a..... state..... might improve matters
#at least yesterday wasn't a total bust
#and by that i mean i actually had a decent day yesterday which i haven't been able to say in ages
#i left my cave and went to an estate sale where an incredibly attractive middle aged gentleman with silver hair let me have
#these two big wooden roll top boxes full of cassettes (many of which are sealed blanks!) for five bucks.....
#i haven't gone through them thoroughly yet but it looks like there's a lot of early appalachian gospel
#can't go wrong there.........
#the man kept calling me sir
#sometimes it baffles me that i “”“pass”“” these days because my hair is so damn long and i keep my face clean shaven
#so that's nice
#with how depressed i've been sometimes i hate to acknowledge when i have a decent day or even a decent moment
#because i almost superstitiously feel it will act as a magnet for my depression to swoop in and feed on it
#and out of that fear my depression has developed this sort of..... personified stubbornness
#where i both consciously and unconsciously avoid what might allow for an opening for “decent moments”.. pleasure.. joy.. whatever might
#might grant me relief from pain even just for a moment etc
#i don't know what i'm trying to describe here all i know is i feel trying to announce or acknowledge any sort of happiness i experience
#feels like i'm directly endangering it
#my brain is too scattered right now to try to articulate anything and i don't know why i'm doing so in the tags of a photo of
#my peculiar wife james spader
#just trying to exist again and not let myself be a hermit to the extent of harold smith which is very much the path i've been on for a long
#long time
#and i'm chipping away at that nonexistence in strange ways but chipping away nonetheless.......
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