#i'm not as upset as i thought i'd be too- just mostly numb i guess..

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

ah well gosh hi???

in what i said was gonna be a one day break from, well, life tbh, i seemingly realized that i don't just have school coming SOON, but that i wasn't prepared to wake up at 2pm to find out i only have a few days left of total free time not spent struggling and stressing out over exams of all things

so like any average person i went and made plans with friends to hang out and get my mind off of everything- and while it was good while it lasted, i really wanted to be, yknow, clear

i have artworks at the ready, and if i ever become desperate enough to start getting a hang on drawing with a mouse all the time i might as well, but as things stand i really do not know what the heck i am doing-

i'll try my hardest to at least look for a way to fix the pen cause that's just the most important and expensive part of the damaged stuff, but i'm thinking the cable is perma-broke so i'll have to look for a way to replace it

to cut right to the chase: i have some art i can post. but i dunno when, if, or which to post because most of them have some context that i would've normally been all too eager to explain, but as things stand? man i don't think i could muster the energy to try

so? i dunno yall- i mean i could start writing again? i've entertained the idea long enough and this might be just the opportunity to finally get some practice without getting distracted by drawing :'D

i could do small stuff with a mouse if i feel like sharing some art, but the illustrations? i feel like i can only post those once i feel a bit more alive mentally and physically to interact with others without feeling so drained all the time (but knowing that school's coming, i can't really promise anything :'))

thanks a lot for the sweet words and patience guys- it means a lot that you won't immediately, idk, ditch this blog once you realize i might not post much if not at all (hopefully not gosh) for an undetermined amount of time? you really made me realize this wasn't as bad as my mind's been pushing me to think,

so trust me i WILL bounce back and reblog stuff and have entire essays in your tags eventually- i just need to stop feeling like it has to be today, or tomorrow, or any days afterwards, just that it will happen when i feel like it<3

#rambling #delete later? #it feels so funny to get bothered by something that would be trivial to future me in like...idk a year? #i'm not as upset as i thought i'd be too- just mostly numb i guess.. #also the reason why i can't bring myself to post the artworks i had- can i really talk about how much fun i had drawing them? #when i'm barely wrapping my head around the fact that i can't no more? and for an uncertain amount of time where i'll be too busy #too tired and too short on money to even think about drawing in the first place? i don't think i wanna get used to that but well #if there's one thing i can take from these vacations is that while you guys can't see it i really did have fun improving on my art #and gosh do i love what i'm doing so much that i personally wouldn't mind if it were just for me alone to see #but after sharing my ideas and works into the wild and watching people gather around to share ideas back- #i can say i like my art and the why is because it makes me happy! and it apparently does for you guys too so why not share! >:) #i also guess one of the reasons i'm not as active is cause of the whole need to compose myself and find the time to breathe and enjoy #the works of the others and mine and think of ways to express my feelings to everyone #and trust me sometimes i wish i could just write nothing and post/reblog- but it feels so empty #if i wanted to do that i'd make another account #no i want to talk about what i love with y'all and if i start rambling well no one's complaining! #if i see something made with the thought of me behind it then ain't no way in hell i'm not climbing rooftops yelling how much i love it #so if i somehow don't do that then i'm either too busy to even check tumblr- dead- or doing even worse somehow- so nothing against you! #guess i had that on my mind for a while now so please! i'm not ignoring you on purpose! i'm probably too wrapped up in my stuff to react #same for asks btw i am not joking there's so many and i live in constant shame xD :') #if you made it this far i am so sorry for yet another long post but i feel it's justified a little x) goodnight everyone! have a nice day<3

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

#AstraStuff #I dont know what the fuck this all is at this point #just that writing this is probably better than just rotating in around in my head #like a particularly messed up microwave #there is very much a temptation to delete this but instead here i am throwing it to the void

[zane-helps-otherkin]

Shufflemancy for multiple relationships

Requested by: Anon

This is a long post, so i'll write everything under the cut. Apologies for the small text aswell. I needed to make it look smaller so it took less space, feel free to ask for plain text.

Requestes are currently closed

Relationship with L

SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON from Ethan Bortnick

Pour me the liquor, fill up the vial

You're stuck in here for a little while

Hallucinations to help you drown

No one can hear you scream without a sound

No need to teach you my native tongue

Savor your brain, my favorite drug

A lucid dream, a croupy cough

You're tryin' to fall asleep but now you're falling off

I got shot in the face, now I can't move

Don't get attached, movin' too fast

You know how time moves

'Cause the demon knows my vice

Yeah, I'm see through

I got put in a trance, stole my front tooth

Stunt double

My spinal door is open for my

Stunt double

Fell off the bed, I broke my leg

Wake up, wake up

Misery loves company

I'll be back, remember me?

Cheap imitation, hypnotic touch

Invite myself inside to make your body numb

My own interpretation

Well, this one is very difficult to interpret. But here's what I think: While the main thing i'm getting is toxicity, it could also be two heavily traumatized individuals. There's many feelings of "Needing to get away before they hurt me" from one side (your side, if i need to guess) and "I don't want them to leave me because they're everything i have" from the other part (again, if i have to guess, from L's part). There could have been many secrets from the "Needing to get away before they hurt me" side (weather that was you or not), if we are talking about some fictional source, i'd guess this character would be some sort of monster, scared of themself and scared to hurt others, therefore keeping their distance. This is mostly my guess, you may interpret it as you will.

Relationship with S

brutal from Olivia Rodrigo

I'm so insecure, I think

That I'll die before I drink

And I'm so caught up in the news

Of who likes me, and who hates you

And I'm so tired that I might

Quit my job, start a new life

And they'd all be so disappointed

'Cause who am I, if not exploited?

And I'm so sick of 17

Where's my fucking teenage dream?

If someone tells me one more time

"Enjoy your youth, " I'm gonna cry

And I don't stick up for myself

I'm anxious and nothing can help

And I wish I'd done this before

And I wish people liked me more

All I did was try my best

This the kind of thanks I get?

Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)

They say these are the golden years

But I wish I could disappear

Ego crush is so severe

God, it's brutal out here

I feel like no one wants me

And I hate the way I'm perceived

I only have two real friends

And lately, I'm a nervous wreck

'Cause I love people I don't like

And I hate every song I write

And I'm not cool and I'm not smart

And I can't even parallel park

My own interpretation

There's many angst in most of your relationships i see. This one isn't as hard to interpret, but here's my thoughts: The hard thing about this shufflemancy is too interpret it from the view of a relationship. We could think about it in three ways; both of you felt this way, one of you felt this way, or, the line "I only have two real friends" is about S being one of them and this is how you felt or viceversa. If we interpret it as a feeling in the relationship (i'm aware non of them were romantic, i just find it easier to call them "relationships"), there could've been many feelings of worthlessness, frustration, angryness/rage and maybe even depression, weather this is from both parts or only one. Again, this is only my guess and you may interpret it as you wish.

Relationship with M

A New Kind Of Love from Frou Frou

A new kind of love

Genetically altered

Enough of "Love Lite"

And "I Can't Believe It's Not Love!"

I can't help myself

And you don't have to say that

"It sparks across flesh

You'll feel it kicking in soon"

Are you falling in love?

I've a feeling you are

Are you falling in love

With a feeling?

So you're running late

And it's not even like you

You were doing so well

Did the dog eat your homework again?

I can't help myself (oh uh oh)

'Cause my friend says, "in real life

It's only the police (oh uh oh)

That ever come looking for you"

Are you falling in love?

I've a feeling you are

Are you falling in love

With a feeling?

Are you falling in love

Or only feeling you are?

'Cause if you're falling in love

Let me feel it

I've been busy

You know that

You know you're just saying that

Are you going to get that?

What's that supposed to mean?

My own interpretation

You mentioned non of your relationships were romantic, wich is why it's interesting getting this song. My own interpretation goes around strong feelings of love, even if it wasn't entirely romantic, but also confusion, in the song there's moments were the singer avoids "confirming" the other person has this feelings, wich mixed with the other songs you got, could be due to insecurity, worthlessness, depression or trauma. This song feels as if you really wanted to accept this feelings from M, but another part of you, preffers not to. Retaking my "one of them was a monster" guess, it could be because of that, the feeling of not wanting to hurt the other individual, however, again, this is my own interpretation and you may have another interpretation in mind.

Relationship with E

Cloud 9 from Beach Bunny

I don't wanna seem the way I do

But I'm confident when I'm with you

Lately all I feel is bad and bruised

Tired of tripping on my shoes

But when he loves me I feel like I'm floating

When he calls me pretty I feel like somebody

Even when we fade eventually to nothing

You will always be my favorite form of loving

When I start to tumble from the sky

You remind me how to fly

Lately, I've been feeling not alive

But you bring me back to life

My own interpretation

Now this is also interesting. E made you feel worth of this love, wich paired with the last song makes an interesting background. While there's apparently pretty feelings only, there's undertones of worthlessness again. In the song, it's literally the feeling of "i'm nothing without you", wich ends up with an interesting combo. This brings us back to the first song, because i feel like this was the exact feeling L felt for you, that you now feel for E. That's really interesting, but basically it's the same thing as your relationship with L, just inverted. Again, this interpretations could be wildly inaccurate, i just let my imagination make it make sense, and i hope this are helpful for you !.

#🌨️🌀 zane's shufflemancies #shufflemancy #divination #divination readings

[blank-im-sorry-blog]

this might be it... so sorry... not like you cared anyway...

so I'm not going to disclose my age/location/contact methods (etc) for the reason that I dont want people trying to hunt me or trying to help me. those people will just have to sit behind the computer screens and well ,just try reasoning with me through comments. anyway I guess I'll start now. you've probably heard many times over about people falling in love and living happily ever after; that's not what I'm here to talk about I'd count this as more of a suicide note if I am to go through with it. There's this girl and well I like her, really really like her. I get this feeling, like if you were a kid and suddenly you dad/mum/someone close got you the thing that you'd always wanted; that tingly butterfly sensation everywhere, every time I'm going to see her or even when I think of her. I gave her the nickname Klutzy

And I'd like to think that she loves me too, from all the cuddling, tight hugging ,biting

(mostly neck-wise) ,sexually conversations/hints and other things like that. It was only a couple of days ago that I think she tried kissing me ,without the others knowledge, as she had covered her face with her shirt (which was quite thin, enough that she could see thought it perfectly, of cores it was dark enough that you couldn't see thought it from my view) but she didn't, she missed my mouth and this just makes me even more confused. Did she mean to miss or not. I mean she'd even tried to slip into my covers at night ,and she would've if not her mum or dad would kill us if they found her snuggled up with me. I would've been fine with this since we do stuff like this all the time as she is quite clingy and she seems to loves cuddling with me.

Now you may ask yourself why I'm so upset with this situation. And to put it short, she loves someone else. the worst part is he even said he wasn't interested in her ,yet she still tries. now whenever I think of her I'm filled with lost hope and and empty feeling in my stomach. I dont think I can keep going like this, I can't bear it must longer, I'm holding on by a thread.

But there's always something there that stops me. But it's mostly the fact that all I have to do is talk to her in person and that mostly always sorts it for a day or two. See me and her share mostly the same issues; bullying (etc) and I can normally just pour my problems out to her. But then the cycle continue; I think of her, I get confused mixed feelings then finally. That empty void-like feeling occurs.

I know by doing something as stupid as suicide over something as dumb as this will just label me as a selfish, self-obsessed dick (some would preferable just call me a cunt, or retarded). But with everything that has been going on recreantly in my life, it's just all too much to handle. I'd do anything to get out of this sick twisted joke. If I choose to go through with everything please, tell C.B I tried...

And that I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for her

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and if you manage to see this please... talk to me... I'm to scared to ask you on my own... I just wan't to love you~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as for me right now I'm sat in a cloudy, dank forest close to my house; drinking hard liquor and smoking drugs.. this will only numb it for so long. I'm alone and crying whilst looking at pictures of me and her... and I just want it all to end.

klutzy...

I'm sorry

I just cant

please dont hate me