#i'm gonna toss it into the cyber void anyway

[face-palming-fox]

i’m.

(lots of shit incoming)

not okay. i mean i haven’t been for a long time but i can put it away enough to... ig function??? idk

but the at least... past 4-5 years i’ve been Mega Not Okay. the past 2-3 being the worst of it yet.

i keep having repeated episodes of Really Bad Brain time annually and i absolutely hate it. last year was bad enough; fucking sucked a lot. and when i thought i was starting to recover and get better from that. the cat got sick.

and i think that was the start of the very slippery slope back into not okaysville. i’ve been stressed and upset (and now traumatize) about him for a year, next month now. constant visits to vets and getting hopes up to have them crushed the next time we go to a vet to ultimately being told we can’t do anything for him (to which i mostly think is because they waited so damn fucking long to see him like it wasn’t an urgent thing going on with him. i personally feel. we had more time with him if they had done their fucking jobs)

and now losing him has just. sent me completely over the edge and i’m drowning. on top of that, getting sick with covid by a neglectful partner and not even receiving ANY attempts of trying to help me feel better while being expect to keep maintaining the house and take care of him or w/e has really put my head in a bad fucking place.

i love my cats more than anything. they’re my babies and i’ve always been way, way more attached to animals than i have humans. and they’re like. 100% why i haven’t pushed harder for ending my relationship that no longer is a relationship i don’t care to have it anymore. i want my freedom back and i don’t wanna keep pretending that we are Something when we’re clearly not; just roommates with a fucking title that keeps me trapped. any attempts i have made at trying to have a convo of us just. not having the status of relationship anymore have been met with ‘nah, i wanna work on it/us’.

i don’t. there’s nothing left to work on. we’re not compatible in this department. i’m sorry i didn’t know who i was when we started dating but. now that i know more, i want something different. i’ve already lost my best friend in him cos being ignored for other people all the time and having to take care of everything in the house as if i’m a maid, caretaker and parent of him (and when i was working, also work 40 hour weeks being forced into a supervisor position basically without the pay and having no respect there as well.. to the point i had to break down and quit to have some sanity back) has not. held up my friendship in him.

there’s no communication. there’s no cooperation. yada yada etc. i’m tired. idk what to do. it sounds stupid and i’m tired of people telling me so but we both love our cats like kids and i’ve been all over the place about splitting them up if we split. i don’t want either of us to not. be able to be around all of them. but i can’t stay here and wait till there’s no more cats. the youngest is 2 now.

and all of this + shit last year has really fucked my head over for whatever the hell i want out of people and relationships of any kind now. i don’t wanna get stuck like this again with someone else (if i can ever leave) and i don’t wanna trip and fall over myself again for someone who was deceptive as fuck (despite the fact of her saying she wasn’t but. my ‘tism ass picks up on patterns and the more i think about shit, the more i see how i was treated as shadily as other people they didn’t like so. dispute that if u want to, i won’t believe it)

i’m gonna withhold some other shit, too. cos it’s. some confusing ass shit and idk what to do with that info (idk what to do with any of this info, clearly, ‘s why i’m whining on tumblr.com about it) but. yea. i don’t even understand friendships anymore and so i’m so fucking afraid of losing more people as well for whatever reasons.

idk. i don’t think bf is a bad person. we’re just bad together. he’s good to his friends and people who need help from him on that side of things. (for the most part, i think he has some unlearning of some things and educating on other things he could work on but w/e.) i just want this status gone before i lose all respect for him. and i wish he would stop fighting me on shit he refuses to see as mistreating me. he invalidates every attempt i make to try and get him to see this is some bullshit way to treat someone, making them take care of everything and not lifting a finger yourself about ANYTHING. even your own messes... it turns into how i make him feel for not praising him for doing basic cleaning... to which i always point out i never receive praise for all the things i do? (i’m not looking for it cos it’s just shit that HAVE to been done daily.. there shouldn’t be any praise involved for keeping a living space clean/keeping pets alive..)

i’m also afraid to actually end shit cos idk if he’ll kick me out if we do. or put the pressure on more for me to get a job/income. i can’t go live with my parents again. they’re worse for me. and idk how to go back to work; it gives me panic attacks.

i’m just so incredibly tired and i’m ready to feel something again. i’m starving to death for affection, attention, respect, communication. and i also want tiddy partners like. 8 years ago. can i pls

c: everything’s a fucking mess. so i sits here.

#i should delete this immediately but #i'm gonna toss it into the cyber void anyway #hopefully my brain puts it on a shelf again for a while cos i'm so tired of my head running in circles these past few weeks