#i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep

[hazmatazz]

i don't want to ask for reassurance, i just want people to say they care about me and trust me and hell maybe they can tell me they want to spend time with me or they want to talk to me or listen to me or hug me or fuck maybe they can tell me they love me

#god all that shit fucked me up again and now i can't even get myself to message my friends because what if they don't want to hear from me? #i can't ask my friends to hang out. i cant open up to a person. i can't ask my step dad to take me somewhere. i can't look my mom in the eye #it's worse now that i have rational thoughts. i understand that /someone/ likely has to care about me. i understand it's impossible for me- #to be fully untrustworthy or unlovable or not thought about. especially with the people i surround myself with #but it's just so hard to believe. and god i wish i just hated myself but i /don't/. i really don't #and that's what makes it so hard. i can't find any major flaws in myself but i also can't find a reason why someone would stick around #i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep #god. this fuckin sucks. i just want it to go back to how it was before where i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells ALL the time #yeah i was still so unsure but not i can't even /text/ my /best friends/. what the hell??