#i'm bored with finale and s6 discourse already

[sebastienlelivre]

and some things you just can't speak about | episode 6x18 coda | buck/eddie (mentions of buck/natalia and past eddie/marisol) | 2.3k words (AO3 link in the source)

Eddie comes to a realization, and hope is a living thing that's going to kill Evan Buckley.

It's seven in the morning after a dreadfully boring twenty-four-hour shift, something so quiet no one even wanted to think that word lest they ended up unleashing five alarm fires after five alarm fires. Even Ravi had settled for trying to beat everyone in the station at pool until even that got boring. But it's over now, and they have forty-eight hours off, and Eddie stops in the door just outside the station staring up at the way the sun is gleaming off the surrounding windows.

Buck isn't even sure Eddie is aware that he's right in the doorway, not until Buck bumps shoulders with him to get his attention, and when Eddie looks over at him, he blinks his eyes slowly, and there's a smile, something small and intimate, something that makes Buck's breathing stop and his heart skitter for a moment. "Oh," Buck breathes, which makes Eddie's eyes narrow in confusion, but Buck just shakes his head before saying, "You okay?"

Eddie smiles then, and it's like he lights up, practically glowing, and it's something Buck has gotten used to in the three weeks since Eddie had informed the house about his new girlfriend and how much fun she is. Practically glowing is Eddie's default these days, and Buck isn't prepared to examine why that makes his stomach drop.

"Me? Yeah, I'm good," Eddie replies to his question, his smile never dimming, and Buck bites back some bitchy comment about how getting laid regularly would do that to someone. He swallows and clears his throat with a shake of his head as he tries to get hold of himself. There's no reason for him to act like that, he likes Marisol well enough, she makes Eddie happy, which should make Buck happy, and besides, Buck has a girlfriend too, and Natalia is nice and funny and she challenges him in a way no one else has since Abby, but his stomach is still sour at the thought of someone else making Eddie light up like that.

Eddie is still looking at him, his smile falling into one more fond than anything, his eyes clearly concerned at Buck's sudden silence. Buck smiles, though, shaking his head as they both step out of the way of the door, letting the rest of the A shift actually leave the building. "That's, um, that's good. Things're going good with Marisol, I guess?" This is new ground, this is top of the list of Things They Don't Talk About. Buck has never questioned why, he just knows there're some things he doesn't actually want to know. Eddie and dating is the only thing he can't look at that still leaves him in ruins every time he tries.

"Ah," Eddie says, or rather vocalizes, and when Buck looks at him in confusion, Eddie just laughs. "I, um. We broke up. On Thursday." The 'before shift' is implied, that he hadn't felt it was important enough to mention is also implied, and Buck blinks at him. That...seems sudden. He says that out loud, because Eddie snorts as he crosses his arms over his chest. "She wasn't what I was looking for." Eddie glances at him, then looks away, squinting up at the glinting sunlight, and his smile is small, but there. Buck feels like his heart is in his throat at the sight of it.

"What, um." Buck can feel the confusion crossing his face. "She made you happy, what could you even...." He coughs and shakes his head. That isn't what he had meant to say. "What are you looking for then? She seemed perfect." Buck gestures vaguely. "The way you talked about her, she seemed perfect."

Eddie hums, but he shakes his head. "Oh, she was nice, fun, hilarious when you really got her going, but I...." He trails off as he lets his eyes return to Buck. "Neither one of us was looking for something serious, not with each other."

Buck plasters a smile onto his face that he hopes seems genuine. "Is there someone...." Buck clears his throat before he continues, "You already found someone else?" He bumps his shoulder against Eddie's hoping to ease whatever sting may have been in his words, hoping it seems jovial and like real camaraderie and not like Buck's brain is slowly short-circuiting. "Who's the lucky girl?"

"There is someone." Eddie is sounding the words out like he's choosing each one carefully, and he's watching Buck out of the corner of his eyes. Buck swallows, his throat working soundlessly, knowing that his reaction is entirely not what it should be. He has Natalia. He likes her. He does, he could even fall in love if he let himself. But Eddie's words make his stomach churn and twist.

"Well, that's good!" Eddie chuckles then, shaking his head, and Buck is confused again. "Isn't it? You wanted to get back out there, you did, now you've found someone, a-a forever kind of someone?" Buck tries to force levity into his voice. Eddie blinks at him, and Buck knows he doesn't buy it.

"It could be," Eddie says, canting his head slightly as he looks at him. "They're...well. It's complicated."

"Complicated? Eddie, you broke up with someone for 'complicated'?"

Eddie snorts, shaking his head. "No. We broke up because it wasn't what either one of us really wanted, complicated...." Eddie takes a deep breath. "Complicated has always been there."

Buck blinks at that before exhaling. "I really don't know what that means," and Eddie laughs at him, but in that way that makes Buck's entire body feel warm and bubbly.

"The person I'm interested in is already in my life, they're just...." Eddie smiles a little, and it's almost sad as he looks away from Buck, looking across the parking lot this time. "I don't think they know. How I feel, how I hope they feel." Eddie shrugs. "Complicated," he adds with that soft smile again.

Buck looks at him then, studying him in the early morning light, and there's that feeling like hope, that feeling he had thought he had buried a while ago, right about the time Eddie got shot and Buck found Taylor. He swallows again, opening his mouth to say something, finally settling on, "You really like this person?" Buck knows what that traitorous feeling of hope wants, but he also knows that's impossible. Eddie's...Eddie, and Buck will not sully him or what they have.

Eddie grins again, and he's back to glowing, but now Buck knows it's not because of Marisol, and the sight doesn't hurt as much as it did before. "They're...smart, funny, reckless and stubborn in ways that make me want to strangle them sometimes," and Eddie is laughing a little as he speaks, looking up under his eyelashes at Buck. "And beautiful, so beautiful it makes my heart stop just thinking about...." He pauses before he finishes, "Just thinking about them," with that small smile back on his face. A smile just for Buck, and that feels like a betrayal to even think.

For the moments after Eddie finishes speaking, Buck just breathes, trying to keep his mind from racing in the direction the hope in his chest is rapidly climbing toward. "You're being cagey about pronouns, Eds," Buck says finally.

"I am?"

"You are." Buck doesn't push it, though, he feels like something is strangling him, trying to stop his lungs and his heart at the same time, and he can feel something he wants but cannot have that's so close, but he swallows and forces himself to look down as he scuffs his shoe again the gravel in the parking lot. "So this perfect, beautiful person, why haven't you asked them out?" When Eddie looks at him, Buck shrugs. "I'm assuming you haven't yet." He shoves his hands in his pockets and exhales, taking a chance to look up at Eddie. "Why don't you...why don't you tell them everything?"

Eddie's got that fond smile on his face again, and for some reason, Buck can feel a flush start to spread across his cheeks. Surely it's just from the early summer warmth and nothing else. "Ah, remember complicated?" Buck narrows his eyes, but he nods. "He's seeing someone, and she seems lovely, and who am I to ruin that?" Buck's mouth is dry, and he knows (he knows) there are other options, other people (Josh, maybe, or Terry, o-or anyone), but that hope has moved from his chest to his throat and he's never going to be able to breathe again.

"Eddie," and the name comes out softer than Buck wanted. He needs to stop this immediately, he knows that, but Eddie holds up a hand to stop him from saying anything else.

"He's seeing someone else, and I know he's not ready to be...more with me, not yet." Eddie's smile is still incredibly fond and Buck swallows the lump in his throat because the look in his eyes is very close to love. "So this, right here, right now, I'm not demanding anything, Buck. I just need him to know that I'm here. Whatever he needs, whenever he needs it, I'm here."

Buck's mouth is too dry for him to speak right away, and he takes the moment to try and catch his breath. "I need...you are talking about me, right, because I can't speak f-for Josh or...." Buck trails off with a shrug as Eddie scoffs, but when Eddie looks over at him again, he's got that look in his eyes that makes Buck's blush deepen, and Buck takes a deep breath. "I...he knows. He does."

"Then maybe...maybe eventually."

"Eventually?" The word comes out slightly strangled and rough, and Eddie tilts his head at him.

"Mhm," Eddie hums. "Eventually. I can wait. I've got time." He looks away from Buck, tilting his head up to bask in the sunlight, and Buck stares at him, at his profile, the way it seems like sunlight was built just for him, just for this moment, and when Eddie turns his head to look at Buck, the hope in his throat strangles any sound he could have made. "He's worth it."

"No matter how long? Could, um. Could be awhile." Buck doesn't really know what he's saying, and Eddie just looks at him with amusement, but there's something else, that look that is so close to love, and that flush spreads across his cheeks again. Buck starts worrying at his bottom lip with his teeth, and Eddie reaches up but doesn't say anything as he presses his thumb against his lip, pulling it away from Buck's nervous tic.

"No matter how long," he says, softly. It is so incredibly fond, and loving, and a thousand other things that hope is screaming in the back of his mind about, things he can't trust, can't pay attention to. Buck has Natalia, he likes her, he could even love her. Buck doesn't trust his voice right then, though, but he nods, slightly. He glances off across the parking lot, staring at the cars pulling in for the next shift, knowing they should leave before someone decides they're covering another twenty-four-hour shift.

"I, um. I need to get some sleep," he finally says, looking back at Eddie, and there's a reckless urge right then to ask if he can come over, if he could sleep on Eddie's couch again, but he swallows it back. "I have a date. Dinner and the movies. Maybe if we're out in public things will stop going wrong and weird." Eddie turns to look at him with lifted eyebrows before Buck continues. "Neighbor burned popcorn and set off the sprinklers, and then the next night, Maddie came over in a whirlwind of wedding planning emergencies. Being Man of Honor is stressful," and Buck is almost laughing when he looks up at Eddie who appears to be very tempted to say something right then. "And if you say anything about the universe screaming...." Because Buck's mind is already helpfully doing that, and he can't listen to it, not right then.

Eddie smiles instead, and it actually reaches his eyes. Buck isn't sure if he was expecting Eddie to be hurt by the date, by Natalia in general, but he seems....he still seems happy. "You should come over for dinner tomorrow," Eddie offers. He's still glowing, talking about his break-up and his complicated new maybe-forever love hasn't dimmed that, and hope is stabbing in Buck's gut now, twisting and writhing like this is his one chance, but Buck swallows hard. Eddie takes Buck's silence for hesitation, and he continues, adding, "Natalia is welcome too, Buck," as if the issue is Buck's girlfriend, and not that hope that feels like it's going to strangle him and disembowel him at the same time.

"Eds," Buck breathes, the name coming out in a rush of air, but he shakes his head, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "I'll have to check, see if she wants to start meeting everyone." Because technically she hasn't said, they have kept a lot of their lives separate, and Buck is just as guilty about it. He doesn't even know how to bring up everything about Christopher, doesn't even know if that might be the thing that makes her run for good. Eddie smiles again, and the hope twists its way back to Buck's throat and he can't really breathe.

"Well. It's a standing offer," Eddie says, and he offers that damned soft smile at Buck, something more personal, one that makes his heart jump, battering against that feeling of hope that is still strangling him. Then, suddenly, that smile flares bright and happy. "I'll even make sure it's not as awkward as the dinner with Taylor."

Buck can't help the sudden bark of laughter before he says, "I knew that was intentional," and hope is no longer strangling him, but it has settled, warm and heavy in his chest.

He doesn't know what to do with it.

Yet.

Maybe eventually.

#911 #buddie #911 fanfic #buddie fanfic #my fic! #like i say in the author's notes #i'm bored with finale and s6 discourse already #so keep that in mind