#i'm 23 years old and so isolated i know absolutely nobody

[gobbluthbutagirl]

might fuck around and spend the entire rest of my life wishing i had gone to college

#it's so funny bc the fact that i didn't never bothered me until like. literally 11 months ago #now to be fair for like the entire four years leading up to that moment my whole thing was 'i wish i had gone to high school' #and for the entire four years leading up to THAT it was 'i wish i did not exist' #which is still kind of my thing but it's taken a back seat to the other one #it's just like....you never miss it in the moment. only when you're looking back and there's a huge gaping hole in your life #also like 'you can still go to college!' i know. like i get that. on a fundamental level i understand #but my main thing isn't even that i want an education(although i would love to have had one) it's the social part #like just being around peers. meeting people. forming social connections #i'm 23 years old and so isolated i know absolutely nobody #like i have zero friends or even people that i talk to outside of my immediate family #i literally don't even interact with people online. all i do is come on this website and make posts and then leave #i just feel like if i had been in a more social environment at any point in my life i would be so much better off now #i mean i'm a functional adult. i have a full-time job. i can drive. #but my life is just so soooo EMPTY #and of course there's the whole thing with the ptsd where i have myself convinced i literally cannot make friends or even have a decent life #while living in my hometown in south carolina #and that my only option is to drive myself across the country to la in the middle of a pandemic just so i can go be lonely somewhere else #because at this point being lonely feels like a given and i've mostly come to terms w/ that #but that little 'what if...' voice never goes away and it's like #shut up about what your life could have been! shut up about what your life could have been!