#i would also pretty regularly think about killing myself when i didn't complete my assignments

[denizenhardwick]

the portrayal of social anxiety in dear evan hansen always bothered because like. okay. so the initial misunderstanding is actually 100% believable, just straight-up what 15- or 16-year-old me would have done in a situation where i keep getting shut down when i try to speak up. just go quiet and go along with whatever's going on. and from that point on, i would actively avoid everyone involved in the situation as much as i possibly can. just escape, get away, not deal with it again. and now i have a permanent debuff of anxiety and guilt forever. if i was forced to talk to the murphys again, i would quickly clarify what was actually going on, because at that point there's no easy escape, and trying to create a lie is infinitely more stressful than fessing up, apologizing, and freeing myself of the situation.

but evan isn't me, so let's say for him, crafting an elaborate lie is somehow less stressful than telling the truth. okay, i can buy that. what fucking baffles me, though, is how much he seemingly gets into it without feeling any anxiety at all about this horrible stressful situation he's got himself in? to the point that he goes off his meds because he says he doesn't need them anymore? you would think that hinging your entire social life on an elaborate lie that could be exposed at any moment would be the most stressful thing imaginable for someone with "getting a little bit embarrassed in front of other people makes me actually literally want to die" disorder. but no, he's just fine now lol

#i read the script for deh and it was almost impossible for me to get through because #even just thinking about the situation evan was in triggered so much anxiety in me #despite theoretically having social anxiety rep the plot is just uniquely evil to people who have it lol #like actual worst-case scenario shit all the way through #i was in high school when i read it and at that time my anxiety was so bad that not only could i barely talk to anyone just in general #i would also pretty regularly think about killing myself when i didn't complete my assignments #because literally not existing anymore seemed preferable to the embarassment of facing my teacher the next day #and admitting i didn't finish my homework. and then i realized that i had lots of stuff i actually wanted to do #and it would be fucking stupid to kill myself over homework but that's the level of anxiety we're talking about here #so i did not like the show but then all the criticism was like 'evan is an irredeemably awful person for all of this' #and i would feel terrible because i understood how he got into the situation and could see myself getting into it too #it was just unpleasant all around both the show and the reception hurt me