#i want to ramble about in tags. thinking abt college since some relatives asked earlier. since i'm aiming to head into top unis here yh

[noxtivagus]

I HAVE WRITTEN SO MUCH IN MY NOTES IN THE PAST HOUR OH MY of today n then to-do dump n other stuff too 🫣

#🌙.rambles #i write my answers for asks in my notes like i'm writing my first draft for an essay 😭😭 tbf writing long stuff here on tumblr is like #writing letters to me. i love it so so much. i ended up ranting in my to-do list though cries. that said tho.... one thing i wrote here tha #i want to ramble about in tags. thinking abt college since some relatives asked earlier. since i'm aiming to head into top unis here yh #not gna have my close friends to be in school w which makes me a bit sad 🥹 but god i'd love to one day experience studying w friends #at houses or cafes or libraries. one thing i'm excited abt growing up is having more freedom in going out w people #also thinking abt how i love childhood friends to lovers so. i want my own in a way. but ion have ^ that r potential love interests tho so #friends i have in hs are what i'd next ideally like if it were possible. cries that would be my ideal type bcs i love the idea of #growing up together in these somewhat vulnerable stages i think. we're all learning so much n so young. but nah not gna happen most likely #wna reconnect w my old friends to keep contact n widen my circle. more friends. friend groups. i'm not the most social person esp irl but #i think for most of my life i've had inconsistent friendships so it's gotten lonely? closest friends r kinda drifting away as we grow older #n w everything in the present i think i'm afraid of being left behind. i wish i cld open up. be more honest and less hesitant w reaching ou #i know what i want n i'm just afraid to seek it out directly but. anxiety. i don't want to be a bother but i rlly crave #deep and authentic relationships. i'd really seek them out but maybe the inner child in me can't really let that guard down yet ? #deep down i think i'm afraid of being hurt again n left behind. forgotten. (don't leave me behind. please stay with me. tell me it's real) #there's so much i don't want to forget. so much i want to hold unto. so much i want to do. that keeps me going. i want to learn so much #listening to kingdom hearts right now is making me emotional.... now that i'm growing older i want to do so much more #was nearly crying while writing this in my notes because it hurts so much and i think i'm so so afraid #love... whether it be familial or platonic. one day romantic too. goddamn listening to don't think twice reminds me of my young dreamer sel #& love for life as a whole n myself too. i want to keep my childhood. i'll have what i can. do what i can. ffs life's too short so #i'll reach out more. even if i get anxious embarrassed shy / i need to actively challenge that. even if i'm afraid. face my fears #like goddamn i want to open up i want to be honest. i'm not embarrassed by my emotions bcs it's human. but i just can't #i'll do it all. i really will. life goes by far too fast and i don't want to lose all of this. so i need to be stronger. better #but simultaneously i just want to rest n idk be a kid again and stop thinking and worrying so much #adolescence.... holding unto my childhood while also making steps towards adulthood. n i'm so afraid but i know it'll be alright #so long as i trust myself ? i know a lot of pain. i'm certain that i'm capable. but. ffs. tears in my eyes. (i'm afraid. i'm so afraid aren #sorry for the rant i just realized again n. yk i'm human n that's something i need to be constantly reminded of #spending time with people and indulging in my passions give me life but. the former is so fleeting n i'm afraid of being left alone #the latter is so hard when time's going far too fast and it feels like i can't keep up with it all #'don't think twice' : 'if you want to make it happen/ nothing's impossible / all you gotta do is say the word/ the walls will crumble'