#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc

[barkingangelbaby]

I feel like such a broken fucking person lol

I talked way too much in the tags don't read them

#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!! #been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust #i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short #i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways #i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and #i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc #we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk. #i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus #t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do #n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on #being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it #I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her #like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky #i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up #i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on #like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything #idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions #today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others #i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day #rAMbles

[weanda]

Update-endofmylife💔

☆ 2022.APR.11.☆

I re-readed my whole blog !!! WOW I re-readed all post and knew myself a different way.

I realized all my posts what were about my relationship, are about agruing, yelling, being drunk, crying, trembling, handle the anxiety and ED, and so on, and almost everything were fucking negative and depression.

When I re-readed my posts I heard our agruing, our words and sentetces which we hurt each other so much. I live in my own boubble, my anxiety covered the real world from me and I couldn't looked through my situations. When I reached my blog's end, I started crying and I trembeled. My breath was so heavy, I needed a couple of min to calm myself down. It was like I re-lived all the moments from the past 2 (and more) years.

I just realized how sick I am/was in the past years, and It's socked me!... For example, how much I drank and smoke, how many nights I cried myself to sleep alone with a sore melancholy and chest-pain. How much my self-abusive thoughts and punches hurt my soul and my body... How much I wanted to talk to a therapist about this and I couldn't because of myself and my relationship. I was afraid of everything. Seriously ... from everything.

... It's so hard to talk about this... I'm crying and shaking while I wrote this post...

Me and my love of my life were together 4 years. This years were my best and my worst years of my life. And a half year followed this age, that was our broke-up. Half year... We lived separately (I lived with my family and he lived alone in our flat) but we talked much and we met with each other often. There was some nice days, really, like our second fall-in-love-with-you time. It was very very intensive... but it was short too. In the end we only had sadness and teardrops.

In March of 2022 he moved to abroad, and he got a new job. He started learn a new language and started a really new life far from me.

I stayed at my born-country, moved to a flat so first in my life I live completely alone (!!) and hold my current job, what I really like.

Sometimes we talking on facebook but I asked him a few times to not, bc I need space and time to move on. Very ofter he really miss me and I miss him too. Miss him voice, hug, arms, skin, long hair, lips on my lips. I miss him smile, laught and jokes, sleep with him, I miss that someone stand beside me and kiss me and help me to reach my life goal. I miss the sex with him... very bad haha... I miss every good part of him... Many times he gave me these, but many times I missed them even when he was by my side... I will miss him forever.

I doesn't regret our broke up. I reached the very deepest darkest point, when I... I just... couldn't think of us as a couple anymore... I couldn't... stay near him... I had to leave him. There was a time when I couldn't thought that moment would come. I thought I could take all the harm from him... or I either I drank myself to death or I died in an accident, or I will have a heart attack, or whatever...

And that day after our quarell I hugged him, kissed him in his cheek and said: I hope you will find your peace, but I can't stand live this life anymore. Then I left.

I forgot a lot. I have a part of my mind that blocks certain memories, not letting me show what I should remember. Probably because I went through a very strong mental and physical pain. That's why I was able to endure the hard times, but it only made me fall apart more. And maybe that’s why I feel like the last 4 years are just 1 or 2...

I experienced unimaginable pain for months to come. I never thought losing a man could be this hard. I'm completely done.

I finally opened up and told some hard thing of our story to my friends and they said, I need to hold on and take every pain and cry and cry... but I need to hold on and survive 🖤🤍 I never ever will forget this. I need to hold on, and thake my breath every day. And beat my very sadness feeling every fucking day... and they will help me. I'm fucking crying...