#i seem put together but my whole appointment I'm trembling and soaking my clothes with sweat

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

my therapist thinks im very grounded in reality and like maybe my psychosis is really mild if i have any at all but i also like. i have been in therapy for like over a decade now and I'm on antipsychotics. So like, yeah. I can seem grounded, only because after a decade of being taught how to identify negative feelings and thought patterns, and longer of being taught to Act Normal Or You'll Get Locked Up, but my life is empty and scary almost every single day because I constantly believe people want to hurt me and that people are talking behind my back and that people are lying to me or are spying on me.

The most meaningful irl relationship I have outside of a family member is a cashier at the gas station who I sometimes say hi to when I go to the gas station and other times think he hates me and wants to hurt me and can't even look him in the eye.

Not to mention regularly having hallucinations, often threatening and distressing ones like hearing people breaking into my room or climb into my bed or seeing shadowy figures watching me or coming at me or people yelling my name.

Yes, sometimes I can look at a hallucination and know its a hallucination. Yes, sometimes I can examine something I believe in and see that I have no evidence behind it and its likely a delusion. But being able to tell something is a hallucination doesn't change the stress and fear and impact of my day to day life. Being able to tell something is probably a delusion doesn't actually change what I believe. It doesn't help the fact that I can't trust my own memory or perception or senses.

I know I function well to the observer for the most part and just being able to lie and try and hide my symptoms means they're like not as bad as they could be. But I've finally recognized that I live a very isolated and terror filled life and I want some help, even if I have a job or seem to hold it together well. Of course I hold together well in your eyes, my whole life I've been threatened with being sent to shelters or institutionalized if I dared even slightly step out of whats "normal". I fully believe if I tell important people in my life the truth about my brain that I'll basically be put in jail and taken away from the only shit holding me together.

#Eldritch IT Speaks #i seem put together but my whole appointment I'm trembling and soaking my clothes with sweat