#i realized it was not doing anything for me positively. but with poe everytime i'm just like

[celestialwife]

sometimes i just think about poe and it's like. i can't believe you mean this much to me? literally ahead of tfa i just kept scoffing at the descriptions of him, completely expected to be benevolently annoyed with him or meh at best and didn't understand why everyone went off abt how oscar was attractive (like i could tell objectively, but it's rare that i find someone subjectively attractive on a deep level), and then i just. saw poe for the first time on screen in theaters and that was it. instant attraction, and then a few minutes later realizing that oh, no i'm genuinely in love with this man. instant ride or die, we just clicked. i got him on a deeply intimate level just from those few minutes of screentime he has in the movie, that nothing about him following that ever surprised me? just. yeah that's him this makes sense.

and i remember writing what was absolutely self-insert masquerading as canon where r.ey was his best friend and i genuinely meant for it to be platonic but i kept accidentally writing a little bit something more and i genuinely think looking back on it that i probably had a crush and a squish on poe? and he may have started queerplatonic, leaning on alterous (if i'm understanding the term right). like it wasn't straight platonic because i genuinely had/have such a crush on him but it definitely wasn't straight romantic at the time either (and i still have moments where i'm like. yeah i'm definitely feeling qp feelings for him and not romantic ones). and then sometime in 2017, something I guess shifted and I wrote in an oc into that same fic who had a history with him and they both still had feelings for each other and they kissed at the end of the story but didn't wind up with each other, and then i started reading reader fic for him that same year and was like. oh I actually don't mind the idea of kissing him....i kinda wanna. and i also don't mind the idea of a relationship if it's with him, i even want it?

and like ofc things went sideways from there. i stopped reading fic bc my friend made fun of me for reading it and i felt like i was doing smth "wrong" and then the gaslighting of everyone hating him in t.lj when i didn't also severely impacted my ability to be able to enjoy him properly without trying to fold up my actual opinions to 'fit in' more and feeling anxious and not getting to enjoy it, but he was still such a cornerstone of comfort for me at the time. i even wrote my first reader fic in late 2018 to get some comfort from how awful things were in my personal life and it was of him. and then t.ros happened and the fandom got so toxic along w some friend stuff that my spin in poe almost broke (or so i thought), but like?? i spent the whole next year constantly drawn to things that reminded me of poe....read a book that was compared to the st and him a lot....bought a lot of orange things without thinking about it, developed a crush on a character that's like. basically poe with the serial numbers scratched off. all until i found my way back to him at the end of 2020 🥰 and after that i started embracing reader fic again and my romantic feelings for him and then lmao the physical/sexual attraction came in like a wrecking ball shortly thereafter which was New To Say The Least, but.

eeee i don't know i ended up gushing a lot about him but i just. sometimes i really think about the journey i've had with him, and how much good he's genuinely brought into my life. i get to feel all these emotions i never thought i would!! because of him!!! i get to explore new avenues that i wouldn't be interested in or comfortable in pursuing even mentally bc of him!!! he's helped me work through various triggers for my trauma bc they feel safe with him involved? and most importantly - i wouldn't know any of my lovely friends or partners if it wasn't for him? i stuck around in the fandom bc of poe, and that lead me right to my queerplatonic partners and family. i genuinely would not!! be the same person today if i had not fallen in love with that silly flyboy december 20th 2015!!! and isn't that just love in a nutshell?

#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't normally gush but i'm heavily caffeinated rn moreso than i've been in months #i just!!!!!!!!! i cannot believe!!! #sometimes i worry when i like. mildly dissociate thinking about him and my love/interest in him bc one time that genuinely broke a spin bc #i realized it was not doing anything for me positively. but with poe everytime i'm just like #my life would genuinely not be as joyful as it is if it weren't for you. i would not be who i am today if it wasn't for you. #(tch. might not be here generally speaking) #i just. i really went from scoffing at him to 'oh no he's hot' to 'oh i'm in love' to 'i want to be his best friend in a really intimate #way' (cos i didn't know what qp/alterous was at the time) to 'i might want to kiss him but i wouldn't imagine myself w him' #to 'oh. actually i don't mind thinking about kissing him or being in a relationship w him. actually i /want/ that.' #to having to swallow my feelings for him to be diplomatic/avoid conflict for two years while still utterly adoring him and being in love w #him to subconsciously finding my way back to him!!!!! #and deciding with grim determination i'd continue loving him as much as i wanted no matter what anyone else said and YES that meant getting #kiss him on his pretty mouth. and shipping my self insert with him PROPERLY where they end up together. #and then realizing stuff that's less pg-13!!!! but no less mind blowing. like i had THAT setting. what the hell. #i just. what a journey. #he's my sweet flyboy my absolute beloved my best friend my starlight i love him to pieces u guuuuuuuuuuuys #i've had a lot of comfort characters over the years and a handful of special interests - none of them have meant as much to me as poe #he is genuinely a part of me and who i am he's my soulmate and i wuv him #okay i'm done #nym speaks #flyboy 🧡