#i only take 10 mg but i'm afraid i may not be able to get it

[vodid]

pray for me besties... the adderall shortage has finally reached our pharmacy and my sibling couldn't get theirs refilled. i'm next.

#i only take 10 mg but i'm afraid i may not be able to get it #it makes me like 1% more functional but at least thats more functionality than before. #and to make matters worse i've had a rly bad brain fog week #i blame getting back into genshin a little as well as stress and sometimes pms can fuck with focus but still #if 10 mg ain't working for me then there's not really anything i can do about that. pharmacy does not have 15. #energy drinks coming in clutch tho so if i run out of adderall....

[what-dat-ritalin-do]

#1 (Originally Recorded 8th November, 2003)

Wednesday, 8th Nov 2023.

9:35 AM

Psychiatric help is expensive

I went for my first psychiatry session today. I was about an hour long and it was mostly evaluative. Dr. J said I might have Asperger's as well (as ADHD). After taking into account Ayd's diagnosed mild autism and Gold's very possible autism, he said I have some mild traits, but not enough for a full-blown diagnosis. Either I've gotten a little better at condensing my Life Story™  or he's just really good at knowing what to ask. Probably the latter.

He set me up with Ritalin

3 x 10 mg tablets

Taken every morning with or after breakfast

For 1 month

He said I might experience some heart palpitations and suppressed appetite, so I'm going to eat a bit before I try it. He also said that it may be addictive. So I'll take it with precaution. He did say he hasn't had any problems yet, though.

He also suggested I let S know we should start doing full CBT in our sessions.

5:43 PM

Because the session was at 8 AM, I'm very hungry, but the food at the place I'm in isn't too nutritionally balanced. So I'll eat enough to stay satisfied, then do some groceries. I'll have a balanced meal at home, and then try it. I will update then.

It has been approximately 3 hours and 25 minutes since I took my first dose of Ritalin.

I went on a grocery store run after my last entry and only reached home in the afternoon. I had lunch consisting of the following:

Rice

Fried chicken

Sambal

Cucumbers

Fried tofu

Fried tempeh

Peanut sauce

Chocolate cake ball

Not the most well-balanced meal, but at least it covers all the bases. I took the medication with water

10 mg Ritalin x 3

The medication started to effect about 5 minutes after taking it. As expected, I was told it would be fast. For about 10 minutes, I felt an intense uptick in blood circulation. I could feel blood circulating in my veins. I could hear blood pumping in my head. It was like getting stuck in an ocean current, swept away by a strong, uncontrollable force.

And all of a sudden, it was quiet.

I can hear the blood in my body

And the "current" came back. And the chest pains started. For the next couple of hours, I experienced, consistently, waves of an intense rush of blood flow followed by an equally brief period of complete lucid control. I will describe the states:

A. "Current"/Flurry State

My hands shake involuntarily

Periodic chest pains (ranging from slight to sharp)

Sharp back pain

Occasionally lose focus in vision

Instability (difficulty getting up), loss of balance

Dizzyness

B. Clear State

Enhanced ability to make decisions.

-> I am not frozen/caught in between wanting to do two things at once. I just pick one thing and do it. I clear things (eg: Rubbish) immediately. I don't need to "reason with myself".

Mental clarity to accept some of my tasks are not feasible.

-> Related to 1(B), I can quickly evaluate the tasks I want to completely and choose which one is easiest to complete. Immediate execution.

It is now 6:46 PM. According to Dr. J, the effects of the medication should be wearing off. He said they would last for about 4 hours. I can feel myself coming down from the rush. I can feel a low, restless hum rising but I think it will pass soon. I will return tomorrow with another log.

My thoughts get faster. I am able to structure my thoughts more easily to the point where I could visualize myself presenting them to an audience. I have not felt this way in years.

-> I spent a whole hour documenting my experience and detailing my mental health journey to my friends in our group chat. For once, it was easy to structure my words. I didn't have to draft them out in my Notes app first to make sure it made sense. My messages were coherent as I was typing them out.

-> It felt like my thoughts moved faster than my body. My handwriting feels messier, more rushed. I'm writing like I'm afraid my thoughts will fly away if I don't capture them right now. Even when trying to speak my thoughts, it feels like my mouth can't enunciate the amount of words that want to come out at the speed I want it to. My breath can't keep up with my phrasing.

#med mode