#i miss them but it's summer rn i need to dissociate and be alone and also eat my computer screen. yknow how it is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mysecretdiary · 4 years

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summer of 2017

Summer of 2017

Summer of uncertainty. Summer of restlessness. Packing up the memories of some other woman's fractured family. Just brushing on a new layer of paint over what lived here before. Telling ourselves that's what we need. As if heaving up everything from before and just stripping it bare and wiping down the dust will eradicate the choices that we made that brought us here in the first place. The box of books is heavy and yet it still feels somehow just like a drop of sand against the relentless tides that are pulling me forward. I can't build a levee high enough fast enough to keep myself from getting pulled out. It won't work. It's impossible. I know it. And she must know it too somewhere inside her that even with her new man, her new hair color, her old last name, that this house was here before them, and it was theirs first and she can't paint that over. Unless she gets lobotomized it's always there. Even if she never talks about it again.

I feel like I'm paralyzed. Lying with my palms up in the ocean and people keep telling me to swim or to paddle in one direction or the other and in my heart I know that there's only one I can go because if I spread my energy out to try and go all of the ways I'll drown before I make it anymore and so I just stay stuck and don't move a single inch. I don't even breathe. I feel like I've been holding my breath for so long just waiting for someone to tell me that I'm doing this wrong. I just keep waiting for someone to finally look at me and say hey this is not where you're supposed to be. How did you manage to sneak over here? Get back here right now! And yet it never happens. And so I keep floating out here.

Summer is coming. I can feel it on my skin. I can hear it in the birds that sing all day and the children that scream and laugh into my open window. The sun begins to set so late that it makes me dizzy. Makes me stumble home drunk at midnight wondering when I had missed dinner.

There's a thin layer of sweat over me always now. And my hair sticks to my forehead and the air smells heavy like jasmine.

I keep seeing men that look like him. And it doesn't make me miss him. It makes me want to hide. Because I think that he'll regret it. He wouldn't want to see me. I don't want to think about all of the places that they'll go together. But I don't want to be her. But I don't want to be here with me either.

People who were supposed to be alongside me all year have already left and time just rushes past unyielding and unforgiving. I hardly had time to know them to notice that they're gone.

Getting drunk popping Ativan and telling everyone that life is meaningless.

Do I have good memories before then? What does that even mean? It was all just normal. It was so normal before. Before what. Before everything. I was so normal. And now looking back on those memories of when I was 7 were things better then? Was I happy then? Is that a concrete thing to hang onto? I'm not sure I believe in that.

I was me and I was me. I don't know.

"That Laura that you knew before isn't there anymore. She's gone and now all that's left is me."

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I'm in Rome by myself. Eating alone. And honestly I don't feel that self conscious. I've really gone through everything alone. I feel really strong right now. Like I can do it all! I mean I do need help. But I can do so many things alone and that's something I should be more proud of.

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The worlds just spinning by and it's honestly so dizzying just going on and on and I just had a thought of visiting ny in July and it honestly makes me really scared bc what will it be like this time? Things have changed so tremendously since the last time I was there. And I don't know. And if i see him again I will probably throw up. I really don't know if I can handle it.

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Thinking a lot about success rn and what it means to get what you want.

Just watched Kristell speak at this google fashion event right next to the louvre. I mean it was really cool. She was the only woman to speak and i know like logically she's a very successful woman. But then I look at the people around her and it really makes me think about what

Had a horrible anxiety ridden feeling all day and then when we were at the bar Marie ran into her ex that she hadn't seen in a year. And this fucking asshole came up to us twice to try to talk to Marie and Marie told her to fuck off. It was clear that seeing this person really affected her. She said her heart was beating wildly and I know it took her a lot of courage to say what she had to say. And I'm really glad she did. It felt so good to see her express herself the way she needed to. It was so empowering. I've had a very intense day honestly. I feel horrible. There's so many things that I won't ever be able to reconcile with. And I don't know how I will be able to or how I will be able to face my demons. And how in the face of a person you can just crumble into nothing. In the face of one specific person, everything that you are, everything that has brought you to this point, everything that you love and everyone that you love around you, still.... that pain is urgent and it surges up. It's so real. It's so visceral.

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Don't know if I really even like him. Feel like my heart is swimming in a void. A lukewarm pool of salt water. Like my heart is floating in the Dead Sea

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8.14.17

I am so tired. Dissociating. In San Francisco. Feels like I am trying to escape reality

Been feeling weird all day. Feelings of disgust and repulsion are returning to me and I do t know what that means and it scares me

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