#i just need to find the mental strength. someday I'll be so miserable i wont fear the pain anymore

[weabooweedwitch]

I just. Hate that anything I've ever experienced or struggled with will always be used against me to invalidate my worth and my character. Was arguing with my mom and im fucking 25 and she has to bring up when I was in fucking high school and "oh when you were going to this school they said you were the most negative child they'd ever seen and all you did was complain"

I was.... an extremely depressed and suicidal child... I was literally starting to attend a school thst was known for being "for bad kids" because they were known to teach in alternative ways to help children with troubled backgrounds and mental illness... I was starting to not even go to school at all because of how extremely depressed I was and I would up dropping out completely...

The fact that I'm still a very. Broken and traumatized adult and I'm being blamed for things that happened to me as a child? That that's used against me, that I was an extremely depressed child? That i was depressed my entire life? That i was beaten and hit as a child and it changed me forever and now that just makes me a monster???

I'm just. I'm a permanantly shitty person I guess. If nothing I've ever done has ever been good enough, if me being suicidal is me "being manipulative", then I don't think my life has any value or ever did even once

Just any time I make a mistake it gets added to the list of things I'm a failure for. Oh you were such a negative child, oh you were always threatening to kill yourself, oh you tried to have a hobby and spent money on all those pokemon cards, oh you used to draw violent drawings in school almost 20 years ago, oh you stopped brushing your teeth because you thought you'd be dead before you got cavities

It feels like she's just been keeping score my entire life. She says she's there to support me but the second we fight, she lists things all the way back from when I was practically A BABY, just item after item of why I'm so stupid or lazy and I should've done more and how so and so is MY FAULT

I just. I've gotten in the habit of carrying my pills/boxcutter around with me and sometimes I sit and PRAY and fantasize that I will have the courage to. Change something. Be different. Be worthy. Or at least if my life never mattered to at least be dead

I just. I'm really starting to wonder. If I should take this trip to Canada. See those friends. Have one last little adventure. Have one last thing to look forward to. And then just. Do what I should've always done.

But it's stupid right? I'm just upset and I'll cry and feel better tomorrow and then feel guilty for freaking out and being human and worrying people. And this will happen again. And again. And again. And again. And torturing myself over every little thought and feeling for every single day that I breathe. But hey "I'm still alive" right. Nothing could be worse than not existing at all, right. What a joke. That's so funny

#she goes from threatening to have me committed against my will to threatening to throw me out on the street #i just need to find the mental strength. someday I'll be so miserable i wont fear the pain anymore