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#i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....
noxtivagus
·
1 year
Text
SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours
#🌙.vent
#i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....
#i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today
#i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system
#i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand
#🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is
#messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit
#this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty
#a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed?
#i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's.
#....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but
#i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today
#but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind
#i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu
#alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends
#save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo
#stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but....
#i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books.
#new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that
#perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough
#trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's
#i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i
#it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier
#maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope
#it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too.
#i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be
#so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now
#it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night
#would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder
#did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?
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