#i dont know if i'll be able to meet this expectation either yknow like

[straykats]

sometimes i entertain the thought of like. everything ending up okay and then i get even more scared and anxious and idk why

#like what if i get a stable job what if i dont have to worry about everyone the way i do rn #what if i do manage to move out what if i do come out and its okay and what if i do get the #confidence to build new relationships and stuff and what if i can cope with my friend moving interstate #and what if my parents splitting becomes the new norm for me and i can manage it and dont break down every second day #and what if i manage to actually work on my original wip on the side #and what if idk i can get published as well #and what if i can come to terms with and move on from all the things that happened in childhood #and what if my brother and i are okay and we can actually have good conversations and what if #im able to reconnect with my cousin and maintain our relationship despite all #and what if my parents are civil with eachother and i can see them in the same room and not worry about whats going to happen #and i can be in their presence without wanting to rio my skin off and i can relax and not mediate every single conversation #and what if i can hug them and what if my friends are right and im not actually a burden #and what if i can still be friends with them and or be at peace with changing relationships #and what if i do manage to pay off all my student debt and other loans i'll probably incur #and what if its like. okay. like. #its such a scary thought and it kight be because it seems so far off and the possibility of it being okay means #that i need to survive this and get through this and thats just another expectation put on me and maybe its scary because #i dont know if i'll be able to meet this expectation either yknow like #its. its a good thing but it seems so stupidly out of reach #you cant imagine what you dont know etcetc #anyways. assignments first existential dread or whatever later #kat talks