#i don't think top surgery would be an option bc money and. i'm scared of surgery honestly

[wereh0gz]

Is my discomfort with my boobs gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, or just a general discomfort with the sensations of having a human body that comes with possible neurodivergency

#ramblings #it's probably all three tbh #it's not severe. like i can live with this. it's fine #but also i generally wish i had a flatter chest #every time i imagine myself in my head i see myself with a flatter chest #but like do i wanna go through the trouble of getting rid of them entirely #or should i just try getting a binder or something #or should i just. leave things as they are #idfk #i don't think top surgery would be an option bc money and. i'm scared of surgery honestly #and the recovery looks painful as shit #and like what if i regret it? what if i was wrong and that wasn't the best option for me? #i think i should just try to get a binder or something. just see how that works for me #and contemplate surgery when i'm older and can support myself and am more sure of whether that's right for me or not #also i'm. hesitant to call it anything bc again it's not really that severe #it's like. a thought that occassionally crosses my mind. at least once a day.. and doesn't leave for a while.... #hm yeah no maybe it's not as mild as i thought it was actually. wonderful realization to come to in the middle of writing a post #anyways. idk if anyone has any binder recs or anything i'll take 'em #also maybe tips on how to approach my mom abt this?? idk if feels like something i should talk abt with her but idk how to even bring it up

[justtogetthrough]

I might try a breast reduction again first before committing to top surgery. I'm scared about not knowing what I want and having spent the last 20 years with boobs I'm afraid of change, including what living without dysphoria would feel like apparently. I don't think I feel this kind of dysphoria when they're small though. I feel like the risks and process of surgery are a lot to go through potentially two more times instead of just once more but I have the opportunity to get a breast reduction this summer and up to 50% can be removed and there's a small chance that will make me feel good. There's a bigger chance I won't be satisfied but top surgery will still be an option. My previous reduction was minorly invasive, the worst part was the drains but once they came out recovery was easy. My kid had a much harder time with his top surgery and I feel like it's bc they're not touching my *body* really, they're just sucking out some fat hanging off me. I'm probably going into this too nonchalantly and I will arrange to stay with my parents for the recovery anyway just in case probably, but especially in light of another recent event where I am sure I am not a mentally sound adult who should not be making big decisions, I feel like top surgery falls under a big decision and I need to wait this out and talk to people whereas a breast reduction is a surgery sure and there's risks involved, but it's not irreversible or life changing. I'll still have boobs. And they'll def grow back next time I gain weight. I hate my chest but I like when other people like my chest and so idk... idk. Since I'm gonna sell my house I'll have money for both so why not give another reduction a try. I am honestly terrified of potentially making a huge medical decision during an episode where I've been in crisis for a very long time and I'm so sick of coming out of dissociative episodes being like what the fuck have I done

I'll do the reduction cuz there's no way future me wil be upset about that, unless I have massive complications idk. I'm somewhat worried about my nipples but if they get fucked up I can yeet them in top surgery and get tattoos. There's a real possibility if I got top surgery this year and then it turns out I've been dissociating or this suicidal crisis has compromised my faculties which I know they are already, that I will absolutely lose it and probably sign away my legal and medical autonomy because I can't deal with the things I do whenever I get some money and I've been upset. I probably shouldn't even give myself access to the money I get from selling my house. I have really damaged my own trust in myself because I have such severe dissociation and I wish so hard I could tolerate psychiatrists because I want to see if I have a diagnosable dissociative disorder, outside of the dissociation associated with bpd and ptsd. But no psychiatrist I've tried to meet with will give me the time to tell my story or share my concerns. They only see my existing diagnoses in the referral and tell me that's why I dissociate and shut down the conversation. But I have so much info from my early childhood, from before the ptsd, from before my personality had formed, that I really truly think I've had a dissociative disorder my whole life and my trauma therapist in my 20s thought so too, and he was a gd specialist in trauma and psychosis. But. I'm not willing to put myself in the way of further gaslighting and humiliation so that's not something I'm willing to pursue and I'll always just be like, why is my brain so fucked up? I've never heard of anyone else with ptsd or bpd having episodes like the ones I have. But I guess I'll never find out for sure, so.

#personal #cw dysphoria