#i can relax and enjoy sex after they've initially gone in. but i Loved my ex boyfriend and i couldn't bear to even let him try

[pondscummy]

I feel like kind of a bad person for this but a lot of the time I really feel like I would heavily prefer dating a cis man to dating a trans man

#pond.txt #like i feel like such a traitor lmao and obviously t4t is wonderful #I'd never like turn down someone i liked for being a trans guy; my last two meaningful relationships were w trans masc people #i'd very happily do that again but. But...... #idk i just. i Like cis guys in a way that feels more charged and more... idk i miss cis men. sure they can't understand my gender #but neither can i lmfao i don't know how much that matters to me these days so long as i felt safe and wanted w my partner #i literally always picture myself w a cis man as my partner and i think i feel safer w one sexually idk #i have a definite preference for dick and i've got a condition that makes my uhhhh hole entrance hypersensitive #in a painful way. and with cis men i can grin and bear some rly painful sex until the nerves get desensitized and it's easier #but with my ex i like Panicked w the strap and broke down crying bc it hurt and i didn't feel safe at all bc they couldn't like #feel what they were doing and respond to my comfort or lack thereof by touch-sense #it's hard to say 'just a little bit at a time' to somewhere wearing a strap unless they're actually watching them enter you #and that's so like. clinical to me in that moment bc *i'm* not turned on enough to see it as like. sexy that they're watching #i'm just thinking about being viewed while in pain and it feels so vulnerable in a Wretched way. not hot and nothing to distract me #meanwhile i've trusted multiple complete and total strangers w the same thing and been able to get through to a point where #i can relax and enjoy sex after they've initially gone in. but i Loved my ex boyfriend and i couldn't bear to even let him try #idk. and i sort of love the relationship cis men have to gender (aside from the more toxic elements) #like i love the ease of knowing they're men. the comparative lack of thought. in a sense that's More like my gender than what most trans #guys i know experience. i've had Very little dysphoria compared to most. i just am like a guy idk. i don't think about it or care to #i just always picture myself w a cis guy:( i wanna cis boyfriend