#i almost crashed on the highway last week because of them fuck you lol

[ma-cherie22-blog]

What in the actual fuck?

I fell in love with a gay man... I didn't mean too, nor did I expect myself to think about him almost every waking moment. To be frank it is tiresome, it feels like my heart is strewn out in multiple places and I might be as confused as he is. His name is Kirk, I know it doesn't sound like much, but there is something about him that I just can't get out of my head. See I had a mental breakdown. Not the first one ever, and definitely not the last, but this one was different. I have Bipolar disorder, doesn't sound like a big deal and some people may argue it is nothing at all. Although I assure you it is something, from fucking my boyfriends best friend on impulse to fucking my best friends man in her bed. See that last one there, that is the one that sent me over the edge. It happened and I hated myself, I mean I ruined everything with her. We were roommates, we had aspirations and dreams, we had a house... Yet for some reason my impulsive ass had to fuck the man she was in love with. Funny thing is he didn't even last 10 minutes and he had no idea what he was doing. Worst decision I have ever made thus far. I can still imagine the look on her face when she came home after he ratted me out, the look of betrayal... Fuck... It was terrible, probably the worst thing I have ever done to somebody... I can't deny that no matter how hard I try to ignore the fact that it happened, that it is all in the past. I can't... I really fucked up and I really hurt the one person who was ever there for me. All because I needed to feel alive, I needed that rush of simplistic humanity. Oh I got it, and so much more. Well that night when she came home and in the calmest voice told me to get my shit and get out, I hit rock bottom. It didn't start that way, at least not that I remember. I remember grabbing as much shit as I could, carrying it to my car and calmly driving away. I tried to keep myself together because I didn't want to feel so insane. I didn't need pitty, I needed help. Well I drove and I drove and well eventually the dam that held back my emotions burst and I couldn't even see straight. I might have well been driving drunk because I can't remember anything and the world around me was spinning. Yet there I was behind the wheel of a moving vehicle while my mental state came crashing down. It shattered and I needed somebody, calling a friend i went over. Thinking maybe I could calm myself down enough to go to my mom's, but as I sat there in his room and the tears and hyperventilating didn't stop I made the decision to admit myself into the mental unit at the hospital. I knew damn well it wasn't a good idea for me to drive anywhere but the way I was feeling I didn't trust myself alone. I made it to the hospital unscathed physically, but mentally I was gone. With a shaky voice and a very diluted mind I checked myself in. At 19 years old my heart rate was 210 and rising, very dangerous levels to the point of almost going into cardiac arrest. I was crazy and everybody around me treated me like a child. I didn't need to be treated like an innocent kid, I needed to be treated like an adult that fucked up, ruined her life and was now sitting in an ER on the verge of a heart attack because of the guilt she felt for what she had done. Who knew that this hospital stay would last 10 days... 10 days, and on the second to last day is where the main part of this story begins. It begins with a woman with tattoos. She might have been five foot nothing with a rebellious complex that might have been the reason she was there. After finding out her story she told me she had two sons, which she bragged and bragged about them being attractive and all of this. She was trying to hook me up with them is what it seemed like with the casual winks and "they'd like you a lot" I mean I was up for it. The day that I was scheduled to leave she wrote down their names and told me to message them telling them she was okay. Which she proceeded to tell me their ages 21 and 24. I'll be honest I have always had a thing for guys a little older and as whorish that it seems I put the 24 year old as my main priority. Well right before I exited the ward she told me that her oldest was gay, so I couldn't date him, but we could be best friends. This kinda bummed me out being that I had been single for a year now and wanted to start fresh. Nodding I left. After messaging the two boys and seeing that they were indeed attractive I got this feeling looking at the oldest's profile picture. Kirk, I mean I'm not one to be so persistent especially not towards a gay man, but for some reason... I couldn't help it. He was just like me, same style, similar hobbies, even the weird shit like loving psychology and serial killers. Well he told me he was gay, not knowing I knew and I responded with "I know you're mom told me lol" well through are little escapade I continued to flirt with him, I wanna say it was jokingly, but if I did I would be lying. I didn't expect him to tell me if he was to ever to want to fuck a woman it would be me, nor did I expect nudes from the man, but it happened. We started talking... Strangely enough I will be honest I liked him, but it is normal for a bisexual woman like myself to like men. It is not normal for a gay man to like a woman. That is where this gets rocky. His mom wanted me to go with her to see him, I agreed to drive being that she wasn't feeling well and the night before we were supposed to leave she tells me we aren't going. I know Kirk was excited to meet me so that upset me even more because I didn't want to disappoint him. I tell him, but he tells me to come anyway. Hurray right? Pulling up to his friends house where he was staying I saw him walk to my car, all leather jacket cladded and bright blue hair having. He was one of the most attractive men I have ever seen, that's not an exaggeration either. I mean GOD DAMN! we drove around for a bit and talked, then made our way to a resivour and parked. Talking for hours, I couldn't help, but to look at him... He was gorgeous, has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Perfection was right next to me and for the first time in my life I wasn't sure how to approach it. He wasn't like a normal guy, he wasn't in it for the sex... He was different, that made it next to impossible for me to make any move because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I knew how I felt, that was obvious even to him considering I called him beautiful every 5-10 minutes. We finally kissed "met in the middle" as he put it, so I didn't have to do the work and neither did he, it was a mutual thing. When I kissed him, I'll be honest there wasn't sparks or fireworks. Not like there was with every other guy I thought I was in love with this was different. Not exactly plain or vanilla, but not exactly exciting or pleasurable it just felt right. I mean it makes no sense at all now that I think about it and it still confuses me, but I enjoyed it. Probably more than a woman should enjoy when kissing a gay man. As much as I wanted to deny that he was completely gay, I knew deep down this confused him. I could see it, but I wanted to be selfish I guess. I wanted him, I wanted to let him see that I could make him happy. He told me of all the things that he had been through, all the heartache and the abusive men. That killed me because he didn't deserve any of that. I saw him as perfect and I still do. He deserved to be loved in a way he had never seen before. I wanted to be the one to do it, which makes me sound shitty because I know damn well he was extremely confused by all of this. We made out a few times, held hands and all the cute shit I have done before, but for the first time in my life I didn't have to get naked to keep a man's attention. That made me feel good about myself, not just good, but amazing. When I dropped him off after our endless hours hours of talking nonstop and enjoying each other's company, he gave me a kiss goodbye and told me to text him when I made it home. That was different to me, no man had ever cared enough about me to say that. On my way home I almost died, my tire blew on the side of the highway and as I tried to get ahold of him I was getting nothing... 2 weeks went by before I had heard anything at all and when I finally did hear from him I was so insanely excited. He apologized and he thought I wouldn't forgive him, but I did because I cared. Again I cared more than I should have. I can't explain why I wanted him the way I did, knowing that my emotions were most likely not going to be reciprocated, I knew this... I still know this and it kills me because I am falling for him. He came over and spent a few days with me, night of cuddling and innocent kisses and hugs. Seeing his smile in the morning, getting him a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I loved it, I couldn't get enough of it. Seeing his face or his smile just made me somehow not feel so empty. Selfies and videos, snapchats and Instagram posts I showed him off, because he was in fact my definition of perfect. Be it that I was most likely not his, I couldn't help but to feel this way. He gave me what I have always needed emotionally, as much as I had the urge to undress him and fuck the shit out of him, I didn't want to. I enjoyed what we had and I didn't want to change it. Yet here I am complaining and I'm not exactly complaining for myself, as much as I am him. I know I have his head scrambled and I want to be selfish I want to chase him, but if my chase ends up with me loosing what I have with him it isn't worth it... As much as I can't stop thinking about him, as much as I want him to be mine... I know I can't give him everything he wants... We are both sexual people and if he isn't attracted to me that way it doesn't bother me, but I know it will bother him. I am not going to sleep with somebody else, although I have had every chance to, I just physically can't because of Kirk. I don't expect him to do the same, and to be honest I don't want him to because he needs what he needs and I just want him happy... Although I want him in my arms, or myself in his I don't want him to change who he has always been because I am a selfish cunt. I don't want that for somebody, I don't want him to think he has to go through with it because he doesn't want to hurt me. If he isn't comfortable, and as much as it pains me to say this, if he isn't comfortable then he isn't happy. All I want for him is to be happy...