#honestly still pissed that you were reading my social medias weekly while letting me think you hated me but I'm EVEN MORE pissed at myself

[starcolle-archive]

I had to make myself vomit today; that's the title so that you know what you're getting yourself into.

Okay.

So.

The past week's gotten me out of whack, and for whatever reason, my stomach was in no mood to cooperate today.

I'm on a lower dosage of Adderall (because I really fucking hate being on LegalMeth, I got it lowered last week at my intake appointment; it's actually something my new psychiatrist and I immediately agreed upon doing), so you'd think my stomach wouldn't be so *bleh* right?

Wrong; I guess.

I don't know how much detail I wanna give; for a number of reasons. But GXDDAMMIT I am taking care of myself!!! Even if that means puking my incredibly small breakfast out, drinking a lot of water, and then flushing myself again all for the sake of restarting. (I WANT TO MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT I AM IN NO WAY SUPPORTING NOR AM I ENCOURAGING THE ACT OF PURGING!!! It's a habit I've only minimally engaged in, and would never want anyone to routinely suffer through; especially to an obsessive degree. I already deal with enough disorder eating, let alone to even entertain the thought of developing an even more self-destructive behavioral pattern; especially when I've had so many friends deal with it & know how much it, to put it lightly, bothered them.) Anyways, uh, yeah where was I going with this?

I've been meaning to write a post about behavioral engagement & changing habits; I've been working really fucking hard on reducing any & all risky behavior that could be remotely considered as self-harm. Not only the physical engagement, but literally working on recognizing the thought processes and realigning myself with the better, solid goals I want.

Something that the old, more intentional, version of myself would have wanted/needed me to engage in.

Do some of these behaviors happen still? Well, that's a big NO for the worst ones in which I've destroyed any materials that helped perpetuate the behaviors. And for the others? For full transparency: Yes, they do; but I'm more and more in control of my body, and that's a big step towards severance.

This is an alphabet soup of me saying it's exhausting feeling like you're not fully in control of yourself. It's like a tenth of a degree to the extent that I felt in 2016 & 2017, but it still bothers me when I *know* I'm not feeling like myself; even if I don't fully know what myself feels like! (Que the "this is when the feeling sinks in partly the cause of the borderline-obsession-I-never-asked-for-but-something-tells-me-she-gets-some-kind-of-enjoyment-knowing-still-exists feeling of just wanting to talk to Her, since interacting with Her often makes me feel the most --and more importantly: healthiest-- like myself." Yeah, yeah, all we want is danger; well I prefer my danger to be a controlled fucking burn that's healthily under strict boundaries for the betterment of all involved, and not some rampant uncontrollable forest fire where all you're left with is hot ash and regret ...anyways, despite the fact that She deserves nothing more than me lacking all trust in her, I want --at the bare minimum-- my fucking answers yet I'm still trying to get them in as healthy & productive a way as possible; because I'll do my damndest to make sure she doesn't think of interacting with me as a kind of relapse on her part; I need Her to make it as a healthy & conscious --and preferably enthusiastic-- decision on her part.)

...maybe I'll write more; this is way off track and it's midnight, which means I need to tighten down on my schedule. (I wish my mind didn't jump so eagerly to 10pm and the memories associated with it; whatever.)

#I'm too tired to write my thoughts in the tags right now #I'll come back tomorrow to ''finish'' these #I've tried repeatedly to show how different of a person I am from the festering pile of filth I was back in the day #and yet every time it feels lke I'm met with a hurt nerve that hasn't allowed itself to heal #let alone actually move on like she repeatedly says she has #(here's a pointer: when you have to repeatedly say you've done something; it becomes less and less believable; hence why I've focused on #acctually doing things & making steps forward in dialogue every time you directly & indirectly say ''Sure I say I've moved on but actually? #I haven't and continue to show behavior that proves I haven't''; I mean fuck the fact that you're reading this proves my point ya know. I'm #honestly still pissed that you were reading my social medias weekly while letting me think you hated me but I'm EVEN MORE pissed at myself #for not expecting that when that's been textbook you; or at least from what I can remember ...look it's terrifying not knowing myself #and I don't want to come across as wanting to use you unconsentually; but at this point I just want to be myself again; COVID messed up my #head in a lot of ways that I wouldn't wish upon my ''worst enemies'' & so to play these games --or whatever you want to think of them as-- #while I'm trying to find the half way; it's ridiculous. NO I refuse to let you have any negative effect on your life by interacting with me #hence why I've been trying to lay down boundaries time and time and time again; because one day; I'm not going to care anymore; and you'll #oh and in case it wasn't clear: only the posts that directly mention/address you are in relation to you; whereas ALL of them are for me) #<- this definitely isn't anywhere close to my complete thoughts; so only take it as some kind of half-baked-ego-boost when reading it kiddo

[aurimeanswind]

Back to Business—Sunday Chats 8-19-18

Okay. So Sunday Chats. How do I do this again? Oh yeah. Writing and whatnot.

Let’s get Started.

The Business Update

So as I’m sure you can tell, if you tuned into Irrational Passions Podcast two nights ago, follow IP on Twitter, or just see the silly shit I do on social media, I’ve been really busy. Sunday Chats has taken that hit, and as I don’t write everyday anymore nor am I writing every Sunday, it’s likely there is no reality I can do these on a weekly basis like I used to. Still, I’d like to work in at least once a month, which is what I have been doing. I know that’s not the pace I was setting back in the heyday of writing everyday, but I’d say I’m generally less stressed and the writing I produce is generally better than it was towards the end of me writing every day. Meaning maybe I made the right choice by decided to put a nice end cap to that journey? Maybe not.

I’ve been far more in a managing role since then, and the thing I do the most now is the thing I love to do the most, host and guest host on podcasts! My podcast output has been up about 300% the last couple months I feel, and that makes me super happy. It’s what I love to do. And with a ton of new shows coming to IP, I’m happy to be a part of them.

So let’s get the update out there. Here are some things we are doing/launching with Irrational Passions that I’m excited about, and I think you should be too!

Irrational Passions Podcast is now on Spotify! So is Input: A Video Games News Show, so if you’re a podcast listener on Spotify, I’ve got great news for you! Get Acquainted should be up there soon too!

Input has officially changed its format to focus on one news story per episode on a more intimate basis. There is still room for more traditionally formatted episodes, but episodes may be coming out faster and more frequently per week, with more focus on single stories and topics. I’m really excited about this change. Give it a listen!

Irrational Passions Presents is a new audio feed coming to podcast services around the globe, that will be home to Article Reads, one off interviews, and maybe other cool little stuff. I’m excited for the possibility it brings, and am stoked to have that out there!

Irrational Passions Video Game Book Club is a new monthly show coming TOMORROW. It launches Monday August 20th with the first part of Batman Arkham Asylum. Each game we will be splitting into three checkpoints, and discussing with varying groups of Irrational Passions members. Scott White has been spearheading and editing this show, and he has done a phenomenal job with it. Shoutout to Scott!

Podcast Ultimate, our Super Smash Bros Ultimate Podcast hosted by Mike Burgess, CONTINUES next week, with episode two all about the recent Smash Direct. We talked for about two and a half hours and it was a blast. Give that a listen on YouTube, which is still currently the only space it is and will be available. Working on possible other options in the near future.

PAX West 2018 is coming up, and much like PAX East 2018, we are coming in FULL FORCE.

I’ll be there, alongside Scott White, Logan Wilkinson and Mike Burgess.

We’ll be rooming with the fine folks from OKBeast.com, and we’ll be doing a crossover podcast with them LIVE on Twitch and YouTube on Friday, August 31st, at 9pm Pacific Daylight Time.

I’ll also be representing Irrational Passions at the Kinda Funny Interwebsite Peer Schneider Cup Tournament or whatever its called in the Hydra Theatre on Saturday September 1st at 7pm PDT. Come see me! Support me! Or just say hi! I am absolutely going to lose, but I’m going to try my best!

So a lot of this is the culmination of things we’ve been working on for a while. The Book Club especially we’ve been working on since February. Everyone is hard at work and CRUSHING it, in addition to the reviews, podcasts, and opinion pieces we will continue to put out. Jurge called this the “IP Direct” on Twitter because this is our Nintendo-direct level of announcements. We’ve been working hard and will continue to do so going forward, and while that may mean we can’t sit and chat EVERY Sunday, I still plan on making time for all of you once a month at least.

A big part of that, as some folks may have seen, is I’ll be soliciting questions for Sunday Chats on Saturdays now. So it’s the same deal outside of that, look for my tweet that has the hashtag #SundayChats in it, just look for it on Saturdays now. It gives me time to get things done and organized a bit easier and faster, and cuts less into my day off now, which will hopefully streamline the process.

That all being said, I’m going to skip game talk this time and go right into...

Questions!

Let’s get to it.

Whoa boy a lot to unpack here. I’ll go one at a time now.

Selfie Saturday has officially become Selfie Sundays. Sorry for the lack of warning all, but selfies aren’t going away anytime soon.

Am I concerned? No. Not after this last direct. You’ll hear me talk about it on this next Podcast Ultimate but for me the new Smash Bros would not be “ultimate” if there wasn’t a story mode in it. And there appears to be one, going off this recent teaser in the direct. I know it’s dumb, but as someone who predominantly plays Smash by himself, it’s honestly super important to me to have that. I think that’ll be new and I think that’ll be really exciting too!

I think as a game they will likely hope to update and support for a while to come, coming out two years into the Switch’s life and I think the Switch will be around for a while to come, that they are just teeing this up to have tons of stuff either in expansions and DLC later, and have as much in the base as it can. Smash fans I think want all the stuff from the previous games, and I think there are plenty of quality of life things that make this new as well. Like, the Wii U game was so good, but missed those QoL improvements that really stopped it from being great. Plus, it was on a platform that no one had. Now everyone has a Switch, and anyone can stop and say “let’s play Smash” and have folk break out the Switch to play Smash at any event or whatever. That’s a big deal. It’s kind of what they wanted the 3DS game to be, but even that version of the game was neutered compared to it’s same-release Wii U counterpart. Now it’s the best of both worlds, it’s a loving culmination of Smash itself and everything that’s made Smash great up until this point, and I’m crazy stoked for it.

So the Filip stuff is tricky. I haven’t really talked about it too much publicly, but the more comes out about it the more upset I get. To be perfectly honest? Yeah. I’m really pissed about it. But me getting angry helps literally no one. I took English and Journalism class super seriously, going through what little college I did. And I’m sure someone like Greg Miller would say the same being someone who went through actual journalistic training, for more than me, plagiarism is super fucked. And Filip built a career on it.

It makes me lose faith in the system of getting hired at a place like IGN. It helps reinforce those things you hear about folk that are hired out that they are just picking from a very specific pool that meet a specific vision for that place. And that hurts me. Because I would like to think and hope the quality of my work and my worth ETHIC above all and anything else, having done all I have done on a weekly basis for almost a decade would be enough. But clearly it isn’t.

But I’d rather not harp on too much about it. I do believe in good karma, and what goes around comes around, and so I will continue to push my positivity out into the world, and hope it does something good for me.

No, I cannot ride a bike. I know it’s crazy, and I know Jacob Bryant has trouble believing it.

The day I decided was the last day I’d try and learn how to ride a bike was the summer when I was maybe six or seven. At the house I grew up in there was this hill near the opening of our drive way. I took the training wheels of my Bike and went to the top of the hill. I said “this is the day. Make or break,” and I got my legs up on the Bike. I was either going to ride down that hill and keep riding, or fail and fall over and give up on riding a Bike for the rest of my life.

I pulled my legs up and....

Well, I immediately fell to the right and scraped up my knee and leg. I didn't even make it down the hill a little bit. I started quietly crying to myself, because I was like, six, took my Bike, put it in the garage, and went inside to play video games.

That was the last time I ever rode a bike.

Listen, so many folks have been coming to me saying how Video Game Book Club took inspiration from their show or whatever JON. One, it wasn’t even my idea. I did have the idea to split each game into three checkpoints.

But my MAIN INSPIRATION for the show was actually Rebel FM’s book club. The only one I heard them do was Dead Space 2, a phenomenal game. I know a lot of video game book clubs exist though, and for example Mike’s big inspiration for his ideas in the club was the GameInformer Book Club. Basically, no one is original.

I have a ton of stuff on Audible that I need to finish listening to. I do not read at all, because I’m awful, so I just listen to books. A couple I really adored and finished earlier this year were the King Killer Chronicles books. The first two in the trilogy are out, and hopefully the third will come out sometime ever in my life. They’re by Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind and A Wise Man’s Fear. Super good. Amazing world building and a huge focus on currency, which I really liked.

I really want to finish Ready Player One, I got about two thirds into it and really liked it. I also grabbed Altered Carbon, the Dark Tower 1, and You’re Never Weird on the Internet, Felicia Day’s autobiography. Those are the ones on my shelf right now.

I’ve been following some of the Tweets. I love it. I’m also going through them again with the Three Best Friends Podcast folks in a Limited Run series they’re doing, featuring: me! All about Kingdom Hearts. The first two episodes should be out now, and they’re crazy fun.

Of those three, I think Birth By Sleep is the clear winner, and it’s really because it is the only “complete game” out of the three. What I mean is there isn’t kind of, revisiting or rehashing in it. 358/2 and Chain of Memories both rely so heavily on the Kingdom Hearts 1 worlds, especially Chain of Memories, while introducing their own stories that are both very good I think, Chain of Memories being the far, far, far better one for me personally, but the repetition in both still hurts it so much.

Birth By Sleep has the issue of revisiting its OWN bullshit like seven times in that game as you play through all three stories, and that sucks, but at least it isn’t something you’ve seen in a Kingdom Hearts game before. While I think the systems in BBS are rough around the edges, later to be better realized in a KH3D or even Kingdom Hearts 3 itself, the character work in that game makes it special. Terra/Ven/Aqua is a story you are AS invested in, if not more so, than the original Sora/Riku/Kairi story. And so it is this very intimate story for fans of the series I think.

That and playing it is just the best. Especially on PS4 where I recently played it. It just feels better with twin stick controls. It’s crazy grind-y if you’re trying to do everything, sure, but all the games are in their own way in that regard.

It’s funny how mechanically KH3D is the best of the handheld attempts at side stories, but it muddles the story the most. It’s a double edged sword, where they kept going until they got it right, and in a way they did irreparable damage to the story along the way because of it.

I really don’t know. I know it’s dumb and little but I’d really love to hit 1000 subscribers on YouTube. Super inspired by the work the OKBeast folks have done with their channel, and basically Mike Burgess has single-handedly turned our YouTube output up a notch. But not just him, he has got Jurge doing video reviews too, and with Scott White’s video talents finally being shown in Book Club, they’re got me inspired to get more work up there again too. It helps especially knowing it’s not just me.

But the big long team goal is outside fo 2018, which is to go to E3 as a team in 2019. That’s the big goal.

Downloading it to my Xbox One now. Hit me up. We’ll play.

That’s the end. That’s it. That’s all she wrote. And by she I mean me, in this case. I’m excited about the future of IP, I’m excited about the stuff we are doing, that I am doing, and while it’s a ton of work and a lot of stress, it’s the stuff I live for. It’s very rewarding hugely in part to the team that is doing it and how we are working together. Stick with us, and I promise we won’t let you down. Please god hopefully, at least.

Do me a favor until then.

keep it real.

#video games #gaming #kingdom hearts #questions #Alex o'neill #sunday chats #sundaychats

[flooparoo]

Internal dialogue

I’m probably the problem

Everything seems so good on the surface but I just have this strong feeling deep down that it’s not

Maybe I’ve being over dramatic and that I am reading too much in between the lines

But what do you do when you know something’s seriously wrong deep down yet if you voice it, you start to sound crazy?

Like, how dare you think/feel something is wrong?

But everything that is presented to you just screams WRONG yet it doesn’t look like that to others?

WAIT

Am I gaslighting myself?

I know that’s a thing that happens to people who are been traumatized but am I doing this to myself?

I can’t be gaslighting myself right?

But I think I am

Cuz I think I am seeing everything at face value and evaluating my feelings about it and then choosing to ignore it and saying that I am overreacting and it’s nothing to worry about

That he still loves you

Look, he just took you on an amazing date and you both had fun

Well yeah, up until you had part ways and he goes back to the house where he lives with another woman and her family while you’re left wondering if you’re truly the one he loves and not a side piece

He has nowhere else to go and you couldn’t just ask your family to take him in

Well yeah, but then wasn’t he given the task of finding a place for the both of you to live together after you were tired of dealing with flaking potential roommates?

Yes

Has he made any progress on that aspect?

No but he’s probably busy with work and such

Yeah but he also has time to have weekly DND sessions with his friends and do things with them that you wanted to experience with him for the first time together

He has a right to do things with his friends without me and live his own life without me always being there. We are both super busy

You are super busy. He has days where he has felt like he’s wasted the day away doing nothing while you’re over on your side trying to push yourself to do well in everything you do.

But-

And when was the last time he has spent actual time with you or made an effort to work with your schedule to go see you? Your birthday doesn’t count. In fact, when was the last time he actually surprised you at your work or school place?

There was that one time with our best friend?

The best friend thing doesn’t count. The best friend wanted to go bother you at work while he was still home. I am talking about him going out of his way to go surprise you

He doesn’t have to go surprise me. He knows that I don’t like surprises

You’re such a liar. You like the kind of surprises with the flowers and love notes and such. You don’t like having to deal with a surprise that goes sour or it’s too big and you have to fake enjoying it. Granted that rarely happens but you say you hate it to minimize the chance of disappointment or attention drawn to you

...that’s not true...

It is but anyways, back to my quality time point. When was the last time he made plans to go see you cuz he wanted to?

.....

My point, exactly. And you even made a goddamn shared email account and put your school and work on the calendar so that he can put his schedule in so you can actually plan to spend time together.

That is correct. It’s even color coded

You’re such an organizer freak. And what did he do with that email?

I don’t know if he did anything with it. I gave him all the screenshots with my info on it, even the password to my personal email so he can get into it cuz I made the birthday of the account the day we got together and the system thinks the account is for a 4 year old.

Did he put his info in?

No, he said that he didn’t know cuz he was literally waiting for the boss to call him up for his shift

Uh huh but I seem to recall that he has regular work gigs on certain days. Why can’t he put his KNOWN work schedule in? You put yours in, why can’t he do it?

I mean that is a fair point

So he lives with another woman and her family for an extended period of time, makes no effort to go spend time with you and hang out with his buddies more often than he sees you while you start to isolate yourself in the library cuz you have to study and you barely have time to hang out with your friends so you’re essentially starving for some affection and love and lets not forget that he VOLUNTEERED months ago that he was going to spearhead finding a home together and has honestly came up with nothing so far

......

Let’s not forget that the other woman has out of nowhere in the past dropped you as a friend for no reason while you thought that you guys were good

Hey now, she doesn’t have to disclose to me as to why she unfriended me on social media. It’s her right to do whatever she wants

Yeah but it’s slowly killing you on the inside cuz you don’t know why or what you did for it to go that way. Especially since she’s close to the one you love and you know they have way more in common than you and him and discuss more things together. And let’s not forget she see him WAY more often than you ever see him

But he said he only loves me and doesn’t see her in that kind of manner and never will be. It has been me in the past and always will be me!

Is that what he said to you? You know how they lie. That’s how the one before got you the last time. I think you’ve forgotten how untrusting you are towards people. He’s also said that he was going to be the mediator between the two of you prior to all of you moving in and has he made any progress? I think not in my eyes.

He couldn’t betray me right? He said he’s loved me forever

Lord! Do you hear yourself? You sound like a battered lovesick puppy who has been abandoned by their owner

You’re wrong about him!

I’m wrong? Well you’re a woman of science. Look at this from the eyes of a scientist and take you and your feelings out of the equation and pretend this is about someone else. Based on the evidence presented, do you think that this one wants to be with you?

......no

Explain to me why in detail. I want to hear it out loud so you can understand

Cuz I always go to him but he rarely goes to me. The few times that he does, it seems like it’s out of obligation like my birthday or something. That shows that it’s one sided to his favor.

Keep going

I’ve set up a calendar that we can both put in our schedules after seeing it work for friends of mine and I remembered that I had promised to do that in the past. I gave him all my info and he never put his in even though he said that he will on his own time.

And what does that show you?

Since I’ve made that over a month ago and there weren’t any changes made to it that wasn’t mine and he had to ask what was my schedule in planning for my bday, it shows that he doesn’t want to bother making plans to spend time with me unless it was an obligation he had to do as a boyfriend. The claim is reinforced by me knowing that he holds regular DND sessions with friends on a weekly basis whereas I barely see him

Keep going

But I cannot deny him spending time with his friends in favor of me and the few times I’ve confronted him about the lack of time spent together he said that he didn’t want to bother me with my studies

He has the right to hangout with his friends, yes but he shouldn’t neglect you. You know that is such a bullshit excuse when you went out of your way to make it easier for him to know what you’re up to. And he has a goddamn way to talk to you cuz God Bless Technology.

But-

No fuck that! If he really loved you, he would have found ways to make it work for the both of you and make you feel important in his life and see you more often.

I’ve brought it up to him before

And what did he do?

He apologized

But you don’t believe in apologies cuz your father taught you that words of apology mean nothing. It’s the actions that matter to you. The proof that one is sorry is in the actions

He explained that he was in bad mental low and funk in that time period. He was attentive the past couple of days afterwards

Look, I’m not gonna knock him on the mental illness part cuz that’s a whole different demon. But if you’re the person that he wants to be with forever, then he has got to fight to keep you. You can’t keep giving cuz eventually you’ll be empty. You can’t keep finding reasons to stay if you feel like you’re not wanted or needed

You’re right but maybe I am just a bad gf for asking too much from him

WHAT THE-?! NO! You are not a bad GF. You have every right to feel fucking uncomfortable knowing that he is living with another woman and her family and what it seems that he is making no moves to leave and rent a place with you. You have every right to feel fucking pissed as hell that you’ve done all that you can for this man and he meets the bare minimum. How could you try to make yourself feel bad and make yourself feel like you’re a bad gf cuz you want your bf to spend a bit more time with you on a regular basis?!

I don’t know cuz I’ve tried everything that I could think of and nothing seems to work and I feel like it’s my fault that it’s not working

No it’s not your fault. Have you told him that it bothers you that he’s living with another woman?

Yes and that’s where he said that there is nothing there between the two of them.

And do you believe him?

....yes

You hesitated. That means you don’t trust that on some level and we know why. There has to be something going on cuz there is no way that someone could let another person stay at their place essentially rent free without imposing a time limit or condition met.

It’s not like I can just ask him to up and leave

But isn’t that why he was supposed to find a place for all of you?

Yeah but-

I rest my case. Does he value your opinion?

I should hope so

If he does and knew that this arrangement makes you uncomfortable, then he should have GTFO of the situation ASAP out of respect for you and because he loves you and wants to keep you around, especially if he says that his intention is to marry you and have children with you

I know you don’t bring these things up to him cuz you reason yourself out it by attacking yourself and saying that you’re crazy and that you’re being unreasonable and that you’re not understanding him well enough. But you do understand him well enough. He doesn’t understand you and it doesn’t seem that he is currently making an effort to. It was evident in the convo at the end of the date where you mention that you may not want to have kids cuz you’re worried that you’ll be like your parents and he said that he will be enough to stop that influence. But how’s that working out for him? The reason why you wanted to move out in the first place was to prevent another incident where your father hits you and what did your bf do? Wants to beat the shit out of him but doesn’t cuz you said no. Any reasonable, loving bf would have hustled to get you out of that place and into his wing ASAP. But he didn’t do that and you went through another incident where you got hit and you’re still stuck at home, feeling hopeless that you’ll never get out and forever feel like a caged bird

I think the one you love loves the idea of you or the you that you were a few years back. But you’re not her anymore

The truth hurts and that’s why you’re crying as you’re typing this out because you know this is true no matter how much you try to look at the situation from a different angle. Insanity is when you do the same experiment over and hoping for different results but the outcome is the same everytime

You’re driving yourself insane over the one you love and it needs to stop

And if he sees this, then well that’s gonna be a fun convo heading your way

And if he doesn’t, then you have bought time to muster up the courage to talk to him about everything discussed and MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND

#personal