#friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen

[wickershells]

txt

#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some #watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold #and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month #but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode #whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to #her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with #the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops #loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar #and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really #for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year #i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an #equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything #she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt #share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think #she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful #with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly #excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new #friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen #or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually #undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do #even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost #added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what #to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol #what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish #anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive #sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts #and i am drowning in them #vent