#even with the lowkey anxiety that she'll suddenly be here again and itll end

[taonsil]

people keep saying to me ‘after what you’ve been through’ and it’s still sinking in that I have been through things that aren’t ok and it’s not just that I deserved it _(:з」∠)_

#I just want to get this out before i do my makeup so i dont cry and ruin it dhdj #but yeah I dont want to go into like full detail but its rly hard to comprehend that this ends for real today #it was always pretty bad but especially the last 3 years #there wasnt a single day in 3 years that she didnt have full control over what I was allowed to do' what my routine was #Ive feared for my safety #Ive been put down and demeaned and dehumanised to the point I really believed it #Ive been blamed for things I can logically see cant have been my fault but accepted out of fear #I was threatened into not coming out' i was called disgusting and talked badly of every time i ate #i just havent wanted to be here having to live through it. it ruined my enjoyment of tao bc he was all that was keeping me going #and with my nd stuff already it fucked it up #theres so much. the longer its been since she passed the more ive looked back at and just. what the fuck why would someone do that to me #I wanna let it all go today after the funeral but I know it probably wont be that easy #ive literally been walking around stores like theyre disney bc its the first time ive felt this free and hopeful lol #even with the lowkey anxiety that she'll suddenly be here again and itll end #I dunno who i am now ' now i realise who I was was entirely shaped by what she told me i was #djdhd like nm that I already had trauma from my dad's time in my life and never found a healthy way to deal with it #and being Older i didnt understand my gender sexuality or nd-ness til my 20's so my teen socialising was an entire mess #life so far has just been bad but with fandoms worth living for Im just like. huh whats outside of that?? there is something!!! #yeah anyway ive said most of this before i just dont want to cry later #im gonna do my make up nice and think about seeing exo and that itll be nicer soon