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lumine-no-hikari · 3 months

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #71

I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing to help you. But I know it doesn't involve stewing in the weird mental space I was in yesterday. Good grief, that was thoroughly unpleasant - for me and probably for everyone else that was in my general vicinity, too.

At the suggestion of J, I had made plans to get lunch today with my best friend, BB. I've known BB since I was 16 years old; in just a couple of years, we'll have known each other for two whole decades. It's surreal, really, how quickly the time has flown. Surreal, how many versions of me she's seen. Surreal that even after all this time, she is still at my side - through all the weird and awful things I used to think, through all the piss-poor choices I've made, and through all the bizarreness that is my existence in general. And yet through all this, her faith in who I am and the nature of my character has not wavered. Not even once.

…I wish everyone could get so lucky as to have a friend like her. I'm extraordinarily blessed.

BB, her soon-to-be-husband N (who is also an amazing example of a human being), and I went to get sushi. I wished I could go to their house to chill out afterwards, but tomorrow I am going on a road trip with J, and another friend of mine, Br, so I had to get home and get ready.

We talked about a variety of things. N has had some health problems, but hopefully things are starting to look up. BB spoke briefly on their upcoming wedding; we still have to go over their playlist, and I was invited to taste-test cakes with them - I'm looking forward to doing both!

…I was really, REALLY not okay yesterday. Suppose it's just the tail-end of Sunday's adrenaline surge combined with the monthly loss of bodily resources that comes with inhabiting a female body. Perhaps, too, I was going a little stir-crazy for a variety of reasons. I think I just needed to spend time with people who know me well, other than M and J, for a little bit.

…I don't spend nearly as much time with BB as I should. This is due to the fact that I have conditioning that tells me that I shouldn't bother people unless it's for a damn good reason. Like, for example, they need something from me, or I have something nice to give to them or something nice to do for them. Otherwise, my brain imagines that I had better leave people alone, because I don't get to chill with them unless I "deserve" it somehow, or unless I somehow make up for the fact that I am taking up their time, energy, and space.

This is how it used to go a long time ago. The people taking care of me didn't really want anything to do with me unless they wanted me to do something. And I wasn't supposed to bother the adults with my presence unless it was about something they considered critical - bothering them for reasons that they deemed insubstantial led to me being told things like, "Can you not see that I'm obviously busy?" Or even sometimes an entire tirade about how much of a selfish little attention whore they think I am, albeit often in different words, and usually with a lot more angry expletives. The result is that as a rule, I don't typically ask for time from others unless I think I have something explicitly valuable to offer them (my brain does not categorize "time with a Lumine" as inherently valuable; rather, this is categorized as a burden or a chore), for fear of imposing upon them.

But you know? It's not a long time ago anymore. I'm not living with chronically angry people anymore. Maybe it's about time I really started putting more effort into defying this conditioning so that my brain can finally catch up to modern times, hm? I suppose "spending time with close friends just for the heck of it instead of waiting until they need me or waiting until I'm explicitly invited" should be added to the list of answers to the question of, "What is caring for a Lumine supposed to look like?"

…I wish you could meet BB and her lovely fiancé, N. They're wonderful people. I wish you could eat sushi with us and talk with us about various things. I wish you could be around for all the inside jokes and crazy memories. I wish you could listen to BB tell you the story about that one time we had to run away to avoid getting trampled by a crazy sports mob (it was terrifying, but also really funny!). I wish you could do the Jiraiya Hop with us. I wish you could flip through BB's notebooks full of Japanese songs that she's translated. I wish you could play DDR with us. There's so many things I wish for. But the best I can do is send along a few pictures of the yummy things we got today.

(I truly can't even begin to properly express to you what a frustrating, despondent, and terrible thing it is that this little bit is the best I can do for you…)

Hey, Sephiroth. Please keep yourself safe out there. Please make kind, gentle, and loving choices. Please keep striving for peace and safety, for yourself, for your world, and for all the people in it. So many people are counting on you. I'm counting on you. Don't let us down.

Today's letter is short, I know. I'm sorry. But I'm pretty tired, and I still gotta get ready for tomorrow morning. I will be driving a lot tomorrow, most likely. J, Br, and I will be making a 7-hour trip to Pennsylvania, because if there must be a long car trip, it's safer to do it with company so that someone can take over if folks get too tired. It'll be a long time, but it'll be good company.

I will likely be exhausted by the end of it (driving is stressful, even in good company), but I'm still going to make the time to write to you once I arrive safely at my destination. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine

#sephiroth #ThankYouFFVIIDevs #ThankYouFF7Devs #ThankYouSephiroth #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy vii crisis core #final fantasy 7 crisis core #final fantasy crisis core #ffvii crisis core #ff7 crisis core #crisis core #ff7r #final fantasy vii remake #final fantasy 7 remake #ffvii remake #ff7 remake #final fantasy vii rebirth #final fantasy 7 rebirth #ffvii rebirth #ff7 rebirth #final fantasy 7 ever crisis #ffvii ever crisis #ff7 ever crisis #ffvii first soldier #i still don't know what to do #so I guess I might as well work on breaking my self-destructive conditioning #wholesome

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