#d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

(do/n’t re/blog pls)

hi btw life update i have a girlfriend now and she’s wonderful

#we've been dating for about a month but i get paranoid about being public about things until i'm confident they're not going to disappear #ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

yesterday i applied to adopt a cat!!! if the adoption is successful i’ll post pictures but she’s 2 years old and smol and grey and soft and i think i’m gonna name her eevee tho idk for certain

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #58 (1 year post-op top surgery)

(Please don’t re/blog this! I wish I could restrict my updates to my followers, but cannot, so please respect this decision to keep these semi-private.)

That’s right!!! Updates are infrequent but not forgotten. Anyway today is my top surgery ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY which is so!!! wild!!! Can you guys believe it because I can’t.

Standard warnings/disclaimers from past top surgery updates apply: warnings for discussion of transition, dysphoria, body image, mental health, surgery and its related topics, also there is a photo of my chest under cut. Please do not save it. It’s under cut so I can delete it if necessary, even if people reblog this post against my wishes. I want to keep making these posts as a resource, but not at the expense of my personal boundaries.

This post is also going to assume you read my six month update. If you didn’t, click on the link and skip to the two top surgery sections.

As always, if any of you have any questions/comments, feel free to send me an ask or IM.

ALRIGHT, LET’S GET TO IT!!!

(These photos are always a little worse/darker than my chest actually looks, but that’s a front-facing phone camera for you.)

As you can see, my scars have significantly faded in the last six months. They’re still pretty visible in some parts, but they’ve healed unevenly in a gradient-type deal. They’re whitest towards the middle of my body and get darker as they go out towards the sides. The bits of my scars under my armpits are the darkest, and my right side is darker than my left. This makes sense to me because the scars will heal slower the more the skin is moved, the skin most affected is going to be the skin most connected to my arms, and I’m right-handed. There are parts of my scars, especially on the left side towards the middle, that have already faded to white or near-white, which is super cool to see, and my chest hair also helps make everything look more natural. In general, I healed a lot faster this first year than I anticipated, and expect to keep healing. 

My nipples have also healed more. They’re lighter and they’re poking out even more (I’ve had to keep track of how tight/thin my t-shirts are because there’s a concern they’ll actually poke through my shirt, and I’m not That Guy). As you can see they don’t like “““perfectly cis””” but nipples don’t all look the same and also they look fine “in context” of my chest so, while that used to bother me, at this point I really don’t care. I also think a year of healing helped me like them more, obviously. In general, as I mentioned at six months, I thought the scars and grafts were going to bother me a lot more than they ended up bothering me. The relief I have from binding far surpassed any aesthetic dislikes I have about my chest, and at this point those are all weight related and not surgically related.

I’ve kept my chest out of the sun this whole year. I went swimming without a shirt off once, but it was at an indoor pool. This weekend I’ll be with some friends of mine at a lake, and that’ll be the first time I’ll be shirtless outside in public. I’m excited and nervous. I intend to keep my scars out of the sun 95% of the time still, especially during the summer, since they’re still not completely healed, but swimming with a swim shirt has been pretty difficult (the one I have doesn’t cling to me properly and works to drag me under a bit) so I’ll probably stop swimming with a shirt on, and that’s it. I’ve been shirtless a few times around people, though really just my roommates. I’m no longer self conscious about people seeing my scars, although I think strangers will be a different ballgame. Again, though, that isn’t a trans-specific anxiety. I most frequently have my shirt off when I’m asleep, since sleeping without a shirt on is a beautiful thing and I’m so happy I can do it now and not be uncomfortable or dysphoric.

I have all of my sensation back, save for my nipples (obviously) which can still feel pressure but no actual nerve sensation. My scars DO have nerve sensation though which is wild to me. It’s dulled for sure, but it’s still present. If I run my fingertip along them, I feel nothing but pressure, but if I run my nail along them I do feel a dulled version of what I would feel running my nail along my stomach or arm. I wonder if this will pick up more in the future. I don’t expect to ever get nipple sensation back, but I don’t really mind that. I’m seeing my surgeon for my last post-op in January 2019, so I’ll let you guys know what she says about how I’ve been healing when that appointment arrives.

My scar treatments have been infrequent at best. When I remember I use Charity Pot by LUSH and I love it. I wanted to do it twice a day, but really only do it once a day, and I skip days frequently if I’m tired or forget. I heal much faster when I’m regular with the scar treatments, obviously, but I have been healing while doing nothing but keeping them out of the sun.

You can also see in the photo that I still have some fat in my pecs and some fat pockets where my armpits are. I was heavier when I had top surgery, and I’m still a little heavy now. My surgeon told me some of this would tighten up were I to lose weight. I’ve lost a bit of weight, but the fat around my armpits seems unchanged. It’s not the worst thing, it doesn’t bother me too much (I’ve also not lost as much weight/worked out as much as I’ve wanted to) so I’m going to try and focus on that in the coming year. If, in a few years, they still don’t go away, I know that’s a revision some guys get, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. It’s a really low priority.

For a fuller breakdown of my mental health stuff, I’d refer to my six month update. The big change from then to now is I think less and less about being trans every day. I frequently forget I am trans. I feel less like a liar when people read me as male implicitly. I’m still a little nervous around cis men I don’t know (mostly cishet men, tbh), but that more comes from an insecurity in my own masculinity than me being trans. I pass 24/7, and people are frequently surprised when I mention that I’m trans. I can be stealth wherever I want, and I’m stealth in all new environments until I decide otherwise. 

Top surgery has allowed me to put transition-related things on the back burner of my life. I’ve been thinking more and more about getting a hysto, mostly because that’s where my dysphoria has migrated, but if I found out “hey, you couldn’t get a hysto until a few years from now” it wouldn’t bother me a ton. Right now, I’m more focused on getting my health and weight back to where they were a few years ago, before depression and dysphoria took over my life. I’m cooking my own meals pretty frequently now, I’m eating healthier, and I’m trying to get into a regular schedule of exercising. I’m trying to bike more places, although the heat has been thwarting that, so I’m going to try again when it cools down a bit. I’m trying to just live in my new male-passing body and enjoy it, which is something I didn’t get until I recovered from top surgery.

#transition stuff #d/on't re/blog pls #this is a long post be warned

[bisexualamy]

(do n/ot re/blog please)

Personal and positive jewish-related news under cut!!!

I learned how to wrap teffilin for the first time yesterday! My shul at home is Chabad Orthodox and they don’t teach women tefflin so I never learned, but I’ve always wanted to learn and so I emailed a local rabbi last, let him know up front that I was a trans man and I wanted to learn, and was able to meet him yesterday and he taught me! He’s at a “Conservative egalitarian” shul which, from what I understand talking to him and attending some services there, is that they run traditional services and keep most traditions but also extend those traditions out to anyone who wants to do them (including women and lgbt people).

I know a lot of lgbt Jews are more comfortable at Reform shuls but it’s just so foreign to me growing up in an Orthodox one that finding a shul that was conservative and inclusive was really special and I’m really happy! The rabbi taught me the specific traditional way to wrap the teffilin along with all of the blessings, and then we said shechyanu together! He then copied off some instruction pages from their bar mitzvah book so I can practice at home (teffilin is expensive as hell but my dad has a set he doesn’t use that he said he’d give me).

I felt a little strange after because part of me still feels like, because I’m a man but I’m not cis, I’m doing something wrong, but I think the more I do it the better I’ll feel. That was another reason that it was really important to me that I have a more traditional rabbi teach me, since it felt like more “permission” or “validation” coming form the background I’m coming from. Anyway it was a really good experience and I was a lot more emotional than I expected.

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls #jewish blogging

[bisexualamy]

(this is under a cut because i don’t it re/blo/gged thank you)

the current mood is being consistently torn between knowing i don’t need cishet women to find me attractive to validate my attractiveness and manhood, and feeling both good and skeptical when it happens anyway

like i’d be surprised if i ever dated a cishet woman but i also have never totally ruled it out. like a large part of me feels i’d hate it cuz my partner couldn’t understand huge parts of my experience but also what a weirdly validating experience that would be!! hey brain what’s the truth!!!

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

current mood: the “canceling plans is like heroin” john mulaney bit

(please don’t re/blog)

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

(d/on’t re/blog please)

gee i sure would love to donate blood now that i’m not deathly terrified of needles anymore but my blood is too gay to be donated! despite the fact that the red cross literally states on their website that there is “insufficient scientific data available to determine whether it is safe to rely only on individual behavioral risk factors when determining donation eligibility”!

in all seriousness though, do any americans have any ideas about people i could call or contact on this topic? i was planning on the red cross and/or the fda, but any other suggestions would be welcomed.

#just annoyed under cut nbd #ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

hey ya’ll i know i’ve been really silent lately but i’ve just had one of the worst two weeks of my life so i’ll be coming back online but slowly

(d/on’t re/blog pls)

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

jsyk i was three months post op on oct 25 but i forgot to make a post!!! i haven’t done a t shot in nearly two weeks i’m super sorry my life is kinda all of the place but i love all of you and i’m gonna try and update more when things are less out of control <3

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

i barely follow minors anymore but like...... when i see the few minors i do follow talking about nsfw topics or actively encouraging people to message them about nsfw topics i get so deeply uncomfortable

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

my most annoying class has a different topic for discussion every week and we’re talking about gender and gender equality this week in regards to designing for the future and i just. i was so apathetic about the surface level discussions i know we’re going to have i forgot how cisnormative all of the entry level thinking on this topic is.

like we watched a TED talk by a guy talking about gender privilege and he was like “women look in the mirror and see their gender, but men look in the mirror and we don’t see our gender, we just see a human being” like wow..... as a trans person.... can’t relate....

#ren speaks #d/on't re/blog pls #ren goes to college

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #54 (51 weeks on T; 15 days post op)

(Please don’t reblog this!)

I... can’t believe in 8 days I’ll be a year on T. This entire things has been so wild and ridiculous and WOW I’m having a hard time believing it’s been a year. More on that next week though. Time is moving so much faster now that I’m post op. These 15 days have felt like nothing.

Yesterday I made a post about my two weeks post op healing, so read that if you’re interested in that. I’m using the xeroform for another week to make sure everything heals nicely and then we’ll see after that. I’m going back to Pittsburgh for the school year on Friday, so that’s exciting as well.

No real changes, still. This is my second to last weekly T update, so that’s expected. Love you guys <3 thanks for all the support. More of that mushy stuff next week.

#d/on't re/blog pls #transition stuff

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #51

(Please don’t reblog this!)

Your boy had top surgery today and now he’s home. Thank you for your kind messages! I’m gonna rest and maybe in a few days if I feel up to it I’m gonna write a longer post about what happened leading up to surgery and afterwards, etc.

#surgery /// #transition stuff #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #51 (Part 2) - Top Surgery

(Please don’t reblog this!)

I want to write out a bunch of thoughts about what happened when I went in to get top surgery before I forget. I’m on pain meds and I’m a bit tired, but I want to get some thoughts out anyway.

I still can’t believe this happened. Like, I forget that I’m not binding because I’m wrapped in an ace bandage, but I go to touch my chest and there’s nothing there. It’s incredible. When I woke up from the anesthesia I couldn’t stop telling the nurse how happy I was. The first thing I did was thank my surgeon when I saw her. It was a really emotional moment for me.

We got to the hospital at 11am but soon found out that the surgeon was behind schedule. I went to a children’s hospital because they’ll operate on anyone under 26 for certain surgeries and they had a really good reputation. Because of this though, they prioritize younger patients over older ones because little kids get freaked out when having to have surgery. So they got me in a pre-op room by 11am but even though I was scheduled to have surgery at noon we soon learned that wasn’t going to happen. I kept meeting with different people, nurses and anesthesiologists and more nurses, etc. I must’ve met 5-7 separate people and signed so many forms, but everyone was respectful and calm and positive and very direct with me, which I appreciated.

By 12:30 or 1pm they had put the IV in my hand because I was freaked out about that (I’ve never had an IV before) but they just sorta... left it there for 45 minutes because they were so behind. I was able to distract myself with some #quality McElroy content (thanks @biomechatronic) which made me calmer. The good thing about waiting so long, however, was that I had time to get over my nerves and get to a state where I was like “just cut me open already.”

Then around 2pm they came in and brought me a sedative and said that they were going to get me prepped for anesthesia. They were going to give me a nerve block to my chest while I was under so I’d be in less pain when I woke up. The nurse put the sedative in my IV and told me that I probably wouldn’t remember anything after that, and the last thing I remember is thinking “yeah, right”... and then I woke up in recovery. I found out they operated on me at 3pm and I woke up around 6 or 6:30. I was really dizzy but I wasn’t in pain. My throat just hurt from the breathing tube I think. The nerve block really worked, and continued to work throughout that night.

My mom then came to see me with the surgeon, who told me that everything went perfectly. Then they brought me into less immediate recovery, gave me some water and ginger ale, and I was able to get up and walk around soon. Then they wheeled me out to the car and I went home. I barely remember anything regarding surgery, which is another reason I can’t believe it happened. I’m so grateful and happy that this feels like a dream. I haven’t been in a lot of pain recently because I’m diligently taking my painkillers and Tylenol, which I’m also grateful for. 

Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes! I’ve been mostly shuffling around like a grandpa and sleeping. I’m also very excited for this week to be up so I can see my chest. And most importantly, wear T shirts again :)

#transition stuff #surgery /// #hospital /// #medical /// #d/on't re/blog pls

[bisexualamy]

tbh i think, a year ago, if i saw myself now and where i am physically in transition and mentally in regards to my mental health i’d be so overwhelmingly happy i’d cry

#d/on't re/blog pls #transition stuff #i was in a dirt terrible awful place this time last year #transition honestly saved my life and improved my life to a degree where i wasn't surviving i was living #and i'll be forever grateful for that #ren speaks

[bisexualamy]

guys i saw my chest and it looks better than i could’ve dreamed i’m so happy

#i'll probably post pics when it's a bit more healed #i'm rewrapped in bandages rn #transition stuff #d/on't re/blog pls