#c: jadejoel

[halfgclden]

@yungimmortals​

The noise at the door was what made Jade spring to action. She leapt up, grabbed the nerf gun from the desk, and unloaded the foam bullets as she burst into the main room of the cabin. She ran the rest of the way to meet her brother, teeth bared in a snarl that Joel would know to be a smile. “Hey. Hey. Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee,” she mumbled as she invaded his personal space in greeting. “What’s up? You up to do something? Let’s go for a walk. Is it cold out? I feel like it hasn’t rained in forever.”

#c: jade #c: jadejoel

[halfgclden]

EPISODE 32: A MAJOR OCCURANCE

The sound of spooky intro music plays and fades out. As the microphone clicks on, faint sounds of water and traffic can be heard in the background.

JADE: Hello cryptwizzlers, cryptrackers, but never cryptormentors because we’re all friends here. Welcome to a very special episode of Cryptwins in which we are not actually researching a cryptid. But! Before you shut this off and call us hacks, we are instead researching the recent disappearance of social media fitness guru; Edison Major.

More spooky music plays. There is also the sound of fingers tapping a rhythm. It's typical Joel, unable to contain his energy as he taps the dashboard in time with their intro music.

JOEL: Weeeeeeeell...Maybe we are hacks. —a pause as he laughs— Nah, just kidding. This is the real deal. I'm not sure you're ready for this. This is some spooky, and excuse my French, spooky shit. Tell us more about this Major disappearance? —another laugh— Get it?

JADE: [A short laugh-sigh is let out at Joel’s joke.] Okay, before we begin, two things. One, get ready for the barrage of major and minor jokes, courtesy of Joel here.

JOEL: Got a whole list, be ready! He lets Jade finish, but listeners can still hear the tapping sound while she speaks.

JADE: Secondly, we’re still on the road here, so if the audio is bad or choppy... deal with it? —another small laugh— Anyyyyway. Spooky is right. This all began in September of last year, when @majored posted a picture of himself in a dark basement wearing a weird costume and then immediately went off the grid. And, you know, I’m all for a social media cleanse, people do it all the time. Buuut, what really brought this to our attention was a month later, on Halloween Eve of all nights, when a video popped up of him getting his ass kicked by someone in a Kakashi Hatake costume.

JOEL: Now, I know y'all are asking yourselves "Isn't he a fitness guru? Why was some weeb kickin' his ass?" And to that I say hey! Some weebs are strong, some are Super Saiyan, and others are Kakashi Hatake, the most talented ninja in Konohagukure.

JADE: lets out a laughing wheeze.

JOEL: We don't endorse fighting here. But I digress —a laugh— back on topic. So this guy just up and disappears out of nowhere? And there's not a peep of him until we see Kakashi givin’ him the business. What does this all mean?

JADE: Okay, so, let’s get the full story. @majored goes off the grid, comes back to get his ass kicked by a Naruto character, disappears again, comes back to spit on someone and call them a see you next Tuesday, and then disappears again. And he hasn’t come back online. So what’s up with that? Well... we did a little digging.

Another spooky noise plays over the sound of Jade organizing a stack of papers.

JOEL: Daaaaaaang. I’d say those are some fightin' words, especially from someone who keeps pulling a vanishing act, don’t ya think?

JADE: They really are! I mean, he is from New Zealand, but even so, I think you don’t use that word unless you want to attract some attention. -She clicks her tongue as she gets back on topic- The video was originally posted the night before Halloween of last year, by @ime.are on Twitter. Obviously they got a lot of hate and questions after posting this, but all of them were left unanswered. The only person in the video that was tagged was Major, but upon further examination, this Ime seems to follow and have pictures with someone who happened to be dressed as Kakashi that same night, which has led many to speculate that these ninjas are the same person.

JOEL: So we all know Halloween's a spooooky season. Perfect for parties and all that jazz. But all those costumes make it a perfect time for disguises. Was that even the real Major? Was the person who spit the real Major? Who is this Ime and how do they fit into the story? And who— a pause for dramatic effect and muffled laughter as he tries to stay serious— is this mystery ninja? Tell us more!

JADE: Alright, alright. So this mystery ninja goes by Abel, or @_kllledbycain on the Gram. At first glance, they look pretty much like every other TikTok e-boy; black and white photos, pet snake, the insinuation that they’re dead, whole nine yards.

JOEL: snorts when Jade announces their handle, and again at her eboy comment, wheezing. It's true, it's true!

JADE: And this stuff is so common right now, so nothing really raises any eyebrows, right? Right? Well, tell me, why would a Tik Tok goth go around beating the crap out of a random influencer? Stay tuned for the theory. First, we’re gonna take a step back and look at the whole situation, because, of course, it doesn’t end there.

JOEL: Ohhhh snap! I'm on the edge of my seat, and I bet our listeners are too.

JADE: [clears her throat] So if we go back to the original poster of the video, @ime.are, and we take a look at their Insta, who is on it but... @devinitely? Okay, so @devinitely is in the same place as @majored, clearly, and, for anyone that doesn’t know, she’s been doing a bunch of collabs with @loganvance. This places not one, not two, but three influencers all together in this place where weebs are running around assaulting people.

JOEL: Okay. Okay, I need to know! Where are they? What's bringing all these influencers together? Are @devinitely and @loganvance part of something much more sinister than it seems? [He makes a funny face at Jade and wiggles his fingers, before dropping his voice to a stage-whisper.] Is it some kind of twisted influencer cult?

JADE: Shhhh, Joel, spoilers.

JOEL: [He laughs.] Sorry, sorry!

JADE: [muffled laughter over the sound of more papers rustling.] So, any skeptics out there might say, oh, well, this Ime Are is just a lucky person who happens to be in the presence of more than one social media personality. However, Devin follows the weeb that may or may not have kicked Major's ass. And, according to a cast photo of Rocky Horror, on her boyfriend's Instagram, both the weeb in question and the hot man that tore the two apart were part of the cast. This would be a great time to mention that a link to the video is in the description, as are all the pictures from social media that I'm referencing.

JOEL: [to Jade but loud enough for the mic to pick it up at regular volume] Oh snap, you got everything together in a link? Like, I could click the link to check it out right now? — A pause as he does just that.— Woah, cryptwizzlers, she's not kidding. Click the link in bio, you won't be disappointed. Okay, Jade...hear me out. Given that it was Halloween, the night of nights. Do you think that...maybe it was all an elaborate event? Was it staged? Is any of this real?

JADE: Oh, my dear brother, always the skeptic. Don’t you think that it’s a bit much for him to stop posting entirely in order to get publicity? And we mustn’t forget the spitting on someone in South Dakota, that’s not exactly his brand. Unless he’s trying out something like Taylor Swift and Reputation but... I digress. No, I don’t think any of this is staged, and I’ll tell you why. Let’s go back to the weird cow print basement post. You know who also happened to post something about some cowboy party? Oh, um, Devin’s boyfriend? A picture of him, Devin, and Logan? Which... puts them and Major in the same place on the night that he disappeared.

JOEL: Not a skeptic! Just trying to get all these questions answered. —A laugh— You're right, that's 180 from the online presence he used to have. All theories aside, —a pause— I'd love to go to a cowboy party. Get me a glow-in-the-dark cowboy hat. You know they make 'em. —He laughs again, mouthing 'what?' to Jade.—

JADE: Oh, def. We're getting matching hats. Check out our merch in a few weeks —she laughs— Glow in the dark mothman themed cowboy hats, talk about a niche.

JOEL: Snap, we have to do that now, 'cause I want one real bad. But okay, back on track. This cowboy party. The origin of this theory, yeah? Oh snap...what were those three doing in the same place as Major? And all in cow print too? That's....majorly suspicious! [He trails off into laughter, his voice doing that wheezy thing when someone's trying to finish their sentence before cracking up. Recovering, he adds the following.] Wait, wait, wait. What about—

JADE: Yes, yes, yes. —she cuts Joel off as though he's finished his sentence, chuckling at his joke— Patience, my dear twin, we will get there. —the smile is evident in her voice—

JOEL: I feel like somehow, I ended up as your Padawan for this episode. — he laughs—

JADE: You heard it here, I'm absolutely schooling Joel this episode. — she laughs— First, we're going to backtrack all the way to the original poster again. You know we snooped their whole page, and they're pretty regularly posting pictures with this person, @rengaaay, who isn't an influencer but she makes some of those sick ass roller skating videos... this isn't sus, just cool, link in the description. —a slight pause as she tries to get back to her train of thought— Anyway, what is sus is that she tags two people in her photos all the time... But no joke guys check out their Insta profiles they look different in like every other picture. Which, uh, could just be editing but also could be something.... more sinister? Hold onto that thought.

JOEL: That's such a good handle, dang! Better than @lumberjoel, honestly. I have to say I'm jelly. We should get branded rollerskates, maybe @rengaaay can advertise for us if we ship them. JK...unless? —more laughter as he waits for Jade to get back on the train and pulls up the profiles in question to take a look for himself— Huh...is it editing? Are they masters of disguise? Makeup professionals? —He starts to say something else but is pretty sure he's figured out where Jade's going with this.— What could be more sinister than human chameleons?

JADE: [The sound of papers shuffling can be heard] Oh, yeah, so, it's weird but I think every time the siblings are in a pic together they look more like each other? I dunno if this really makes sense but seriously dudes check the post with this episode because it has a bunch of photos side by side and... yeah. You pull a photo of them by themself and it's like okay, I know what this dude looks like and then you put them side by side and... I dunno, makeup? Contacts? Cloning, mayhaps? And, just so that I'm not just holding on to one thing too much... check their post from August 12th, linked below. Their brother... doesn't have a shadow. Why would you edit that out of a photo? No way are they going that hard to be memelords.

JOEL: Okay, let me look at this. Wha— That's weird as hell. How much hair dye do these two use? Hm. Could be clones? —snaps his fingers—Definitely clones. —he snorts loudly, laughing before clearing his throat— Ahem, uh. No shadow? That's dedication! I dunno, maybe it's some new challenge for the 'gram. Oh...but wait. I found a video. Look, Jade. No shadow. In a video. What the—

JADE: A video, guys. —A moment of muffled laughter before her mic cuts out, but the sound of it clicking on again is followed almost immediately— This is a big family, guys, and a big weird one because their other brother @sleepyfinch... Okay, wait, he himself is pretty normal, super cute, shout out, but guys, ghouls, you know who he has tagged in a recent post? Yet another influencer. Except this one is from Italy? @gaborealis; essentially, he’s a medium, so if you didn’t believe that the supernatural were at play beforehand... buckle up.

JOEL: Wait, wait, I'm still on the video thing. Who has time to edit a video? —his voice cracks when he says video and he covers his laughter as he focuses—

JADE: [wheezing] Shut up —there is no malice in her voice, and she’s laughing too.—

JOEL: So weird, I love it. Oh snap— the @gaborealis? It's time to get ghosty! —echoes "ghosty" and hums the Cha Cha Slide tune for a couple seconds— Okay, so wait. Does this mean everyone's favorite medium is also in the same place as...three? Three other influencers and this weird family of....maybe shapeshifters? No? Too crazy a theory?

JADE: You know what they say, cryptoddlers; no theory is too crazy. Everything Einstein came up with? Theory.

JOEL: Bringing Einstein into it, huh?

JADE: Oh you know it. —a snort— Anyway, according to Devin’s boyfriend’s Instagram, it doesn’t end there. @spencerkeahi, a youtuber and disability rights advocate who comes from Hawaii is also there with that gaggle. Shout out to @elidrising for tagging people and location. So what are these influencers from all corners of the globe gathering together for? Well, let’s take a look at the original poster again. You go on their Twitter, and a few months back it’s all just videos of people... fighting? In some sort of underground place. Mayhaps... the same creepy basement that Major posted his last photo? —a small gasp, as though she’s surprised by this— No, that must be a coincidence... or is it?

Another spooky sound plays

JOEL: @elidrising is the man, dang! Are you tellin' me there's a...—he lowers his voice to a whisper— secret influencers-only Fight Club? I wouldn't put it past @devinitely TBH. Honestly, I'd join one...even though I guess I've broken the first rule but talking about it, huh? Actually— Jay, do you think we'd even be allowed to join? Are podcasters influencers? Poll in my story right now, let us know what y'all think.

JADE: Right now? Joel, this isn’t going up for another week, at least. —She’s obviously trying to sound less amused than she’s coming off— Once we get the blue check we’re influencers, so we’ve got a few million followers to go, I think.

JOEL: Yeah, right now! They'll hear that when the episode goes up and respond in real ti— Oh, no. You're right. Oops. No poll in my story, y'all. False alarm. Blue check, huh? You heard it here, cryptwizzlers, we're gonna get that blue check. Tell your friends, tell your family. Heck, tell that cute barista at your coffee shop to listen to our podcast! We might just do a giveaway when we get that lil' blue swoosh.

JADE: [clears her throat.] You know what’s a great way to get us that blue check, though?

A different, light sort of spooky music begins playing in the background, meaning that it’s time for the ad break

JOEL: Take it away!

JADE: Checking out a little app called Creature Comforts. Alright guys, not that this show isn’t one hundred percent real as it is, but for real, I love this app. A dating sim that features everyone’s favorite... for lack of a better term, monsters. Did you watch the Shape of Water and go, “Damn, I’d tap that”? Do you want to snuggle with a Sasquatch? Do you just wish you could find yourself a GF with more eyes? Well, have we got the app for you. Creature Comforts lets you do all this and more. A choose-your-own-adventure game where you can smooch beasts, marry Mothman, and ignore the outside world. It’s seriously all I want. And, if you enter the code cryptwins— that’s the name of the podcast you’re listening to, no capital letters, when you download the app, then it’s only 99 cents to play without ads. Which, trust me ghouls, is worth it. I don’t want anything interrupting my cut scene with the most stunning eyes in West Virginia.

JOEL: Don't forget that scuba diving date with Nessie! Or, or...that half-day hike with Bigfoot. —he's laughing again smh— There's a reason Jade does the ad reads and not me. But, I can tell you that Mothman is sure to sweep you off your feet. And it's not just because he can fly.

JADE: It’s the —a pause for finger snapping— alliteration for me. But that’s Creature Comforts, exactly how you think you’d spell it, don’t ask us ‘cause we’re dyslexic, and cryptwins, like the name of this podcast. Tweet us @cryptwins to let us know how far along you are, who you’re pursuing, and what mysteries you unlock about their backstories. Now... I think it’s time for a timeline, just to get us sorted out, what do you think, Joel?

JOEL: Personally, I'm still tryin' to land a date with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I guess we'll see what happens. Aw heck yeah! Give us a timeline, give us the dirt. — a laugh — Give the people what they want!

JADE: Okay — the shuffling of paper is heard once more — We start in September: @majored goes off the grid after posting a creepy picture of himself in a weird outfit in a spooky basement. This is around the same time that the Scarlet Surfer was in NYC for fashion week, which @majored accompanied him to, meaning that it isn’t entirely out of the question for him to still be in New York. Also on social media at this time is @devinitely and @loganvance also both is cowboy outfits, though the creepy basement is absent from both of them.

JOEL: I guess September isn't too early for weird Halloween stuff to start? What with the spooky basement and everything. Right? And everyone loves a cowboy moment— or have cowboys become the new clown? I heard there was a clown renaissance and people like them now? I don't really know where we stand on the whole clown— what?

JADE: I see our next hot debate. Cowboys: Hot or not? Personally, I liked cow print, but I can see cowboys going out soon. Once they reach killer clown status is when it’ll be ideal for me.

JOEL: Personally, I vote hot. And uhhh, not to kinkshame you Jay, but killer clowns are a no from me.

JADE: [tsks] Kinkshamed, by my own brother no less.

JOEL: [a loud laugh] You know I'm just kidding. No kinkshaking, ya heard? I'd literally let the Jersey Devil step on me so. To each their own.

JADE: [snorting] Um, gross.

JADE: Now to October: There is a production of Rocky Horror, a cast photo is uploaded to @elidrising, the account of @devinitely’s boyfriend. This places not only @devinitely and @loganvance in Montauk, but it also places @crispyboiz and @_kllledbycain in Montauk too. These are two of the people that are suspected to belong in the video by @ime.are, in which (suspected) @_kllledbycain, dressed as Kakashi Hatake attacked @majored, only to be torn apart by good citizen @crispyboiz. This video is the first that we’ve seen of @majored since his last post, and he offers nothing in response to it.

JOEL: Okay. Okay. Now, you know I love a good shadow-cast of Rocky Horror. I've always wanted to play Frank. I would rock that part. Am I wrong? —he laughs— But okay, that's - count 'em - three influencers in one place? If @elidrising is there, we can assume @devinitely is too because she was in the same location as, uh, whatshername? Logan? And that's the same location as @ime.are. Who took the video of  Kakashi kicking @majored's ass. @_kllledbycain— more like killedbyKakashi, eh? Seriously why are all these people together?

JOEL: [as an afterthought] It's gotta be a cult.

JADE: November to December: Nothing happens with @majored, @ime.are also offers nothing except for quote unquote “#teamkakashi”, which is funny because they never tagged Kakashi, but anyways. Upon deeper inspection, there are videos on their Twitter from last May, of people in a fighting ring. And then people fighting on a lake? But the fighting ring looks super dangerous and I dunno, like you said, cult-y? Fight-club-y? Call it what you will. In any case, we are led to believe that this fighting has been going on for some time in the background.

JOEL: Okay, come on. That’s definitely a cult. I’ve seen the movie, can confirm. — he groans— Literally what is an Italian astrologer doing there? Wait, wait, wait. Montauk? You said Montauk. Montauk, as in on Long Island. As in like —he drops his voice to a stage-whisper— the part of Long Island that peeps believe to be the site of a government cover-up involving kidnapping, mind control, and time travel? The part that inspired Stranger Things? That Montauk? Snap. I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together sooner. Jade, Jade. What if this is, I don’t know, like, MKUltra 2.0?

JADE: Yes, yes that Montauk, I’m glad you picked up on that. Look, I’m not saying that it’s an influencer’s-only thing, but I am saying that some might be in the area, and maybe involved. At the same time throughout all of this, we have a culmination of more influencers seeming to know this network of people. @gaborealis, an Italian astrologer, is seen in pictures of @sleepyfinch, who was also in the production of Rocky Horror, and has pictures with @crispyboiz and, god, this name is a freaking nightmare, @_kllledbycain. Not to mention this guy has many pictures of weird… family members? Who sometimes look alike? Okay, but seriously, @kodakola and @sonofpeter, how is your hair not straw at this point? Is it wigs? I think my hair would simply fall out. And y’all using Insta filters or what, cause… I’m not gonna get into it, let’s keep going.

JOEL: Maybe they're makeup vloggers or something. Gotta change up the look for views, right? Don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and uhhhh, smash that follow button— or whatever YouTubers say. —he laughs— Okay but seriously, yeah. @sonofpeter, @kodakola, whatever you two are doing to your hair, let me know because I'm trying to bleach my hair and dye it bright purple without it falling out. And since we're doing it at our next stop, well, your advice will probably be too late. But still, what are your secrets? Is it...clones?

JADE: Joel! —she’s laughing again.— Timeline and then theories. —she clears her throat— After that long silence, a Tweet emerges. January 8th. "Can’t believe @majored SPAT on me and called me a C-Blank-Blank-T when he checked into @SDFamilyMotel last night”. This places Major across the country from where we believed him to be, but acting so strangely that one must wonder… was that really him? Or was it someone that just looked like him? Or was it a cry for help? Nothing’s been heard since from @majored, which I guess… leads us to our theories. —a pause— You were saying… clones, Joel?

JOEL: Sheeeeesh, this is not @majored's year. I gotta say, this sounds totally different from the vibe that this guy used to put out on his social media. Obviously Instagram is fake blah blah blah, you know the spiel, but like. Damn. He spit on them? —a pause as he considers what his sibling has said— You know....I think that's a really good point. Was that even the real him? Will the real Ed Major please stand up?

JADE: I know. It just seems out of character, and terrible for a reputation, but it also would make sense if... One, this is a fake @majored, meant to stir up controversy before he goes underground again. And with an action like spitting on someone and calling them a name like that? Who cares what the dude does after that? Unfollowed, cancelled, whatever. And why would this guy want to go underground, well, I'm glad you're so interested. Well, the official Cryptwins theory is that maybe... just maybe, the crazy, government cover-up Montauk that we all know and love isn't that far from truth. We see that they have means of covering up shadows —she lets out a laugh— and people whose faces just change? And who else is there, @spencerkeahi, someone who explains rehabilitation, maybe someone who has experience helping people get used to being a clone? @ime.are, a nurse who enjoys taking videos of people fighting? It all adds up, people!

JOEL: Yeah, seriously. With the real @majored MIA, there would be no one to combat the backlash from this supposed...clone? Imposter? And maybe that’s what they want. Looks like Montauk isn’t the ideal vacation spot anymore, huh? Even if their seaside cabins are super chill and homey. But I digress. Something sinister is going on. Something bigger than we can even imagine. A secret underground facility that’s...cloning influencers? Training them? Your guess is as good as mine. And that’s why we’re on this road trip, isn’t that right Jade? To get some answers?

JADE: Exactly. —it sounds as though she is holding back a laugh or a cough.— Cross country roadtrip in which we explore different topics like this one, and on the way, we'll document our progress and any spooky encounters. Check out our insta, @cryptwins to get all the updates, and consider hitting us up on Patreon if you want us to be able to afford the gas to get all the way to the east coast.

JOEL: I’ll be posting behind the scenes content in the “ROADTRIP” highlight on my Insta throughout the trip so be sure to check my stories. You might get lucky and find some special codes for Creature Comforts but, hey. You didn’t hear it from me. -he laughs and there’s the distinct sound of a bag of chips being opened- What Jade meant to say is gas and snack money. So yeah, go go go! Check out the Patreon! We might even do a giveaway at the end of our trip, get you guys some cool souvenirs we pick up on our travels. Not a bad idea, eh?

JADE: Joel, my ears are literally bleeding right now. Thanks. Anyway, our second theory will also be exclusive to our Patrons, so be sure to get the full video there. Cryptwins... out...

Her voice fades out and the music from the beginning fades in, takes over, and plays until the end of the track.

#c: jade #c: jadejoel #a major occurance

[halfgclden]

THE PITS(TOP)

It was at a rest stop on the way out of Billings, Montana, that they got the news. It was before that, actually, but Jade was good about not checking her notifications on the road. 

“Fuck!” Jade yelled and slammed the car door to have something to direct her anger towards, and she resisted the urge to kick the tire afterwards. “Do they even know how long that took us to put together? We can just repost it. What are they gonna do?” 

It had taken less than twelve hours for their major story on a minor celebrity to get posted, cause a big stir, and get taken down. Of course Jade knew this was going to be a likely outcome, but it didn’t mean that she was any less upset about it.

Just as riled up as Jade but stiff as hell from the drive, Joel slowly got out of the car and cracked his back. Then his neck. Then his knuckles. "I can't fucking believe it. This is censorship! Fuck. We have it on a flash drive. They can't do anything. What are they gonna do? Take it down again? They can't do anything." Thunder rumbled as Joel kicked a bottle cap on the ground, a scowl on his typically cheerful face. 

It was bullshit. 

They (mostly Jade) had spent hours researching their facts and putting the most recent episode together. It had been so good. One of their best, for sure. And yet— poof. In an instant, gone. 

Joel watched his twin pace angrily around the parking lot for a moment, then looked up at the gray sky. "What! The! Fuck!" He yelled, taking big breaths in between each word. A family getting into their car a few feet away turned to look at him, disapproval on their face as the mother covered her child's ears. Joel shrugged and turned back to look at Jade, "We knew it could happen but...that was handled in an ungodly amount of time, right? Fuckin' ridiculous."

Jade handled the gas pump with much more force than necessary, then moved so that she could slump against the car. She knew they had backups for this exact reason, but the censorship was expected and unwelcome. Why must people exist with wool over their eyes? Yes, maybe they had insider knowledge on this topic, but that didn't mean that their presentation was any less real and important for the public. 

As if to match their mood, the sky opened up above the twins and rain began to pour. 

"Ungodly my ass," Jade grumbled, and, on cue, there was a crack as the puddle forming on the ground near them shimmered and projected an image of a brightly-dressed bespeckled woman with a stern look on her face. 

"You two..." The woman sighed and shook her head as she pushed back a tangle of curls and piled it all into a messy bun atop her head. "I swear, whenever anything happens, I need only look to you or your siblings." She looked as disheveled as a goddess could, which meant that she still had more grace than an etiquette instructor. "Care to explain what that little stunt was?"

Nothing surprised Joel anymore. Not the speed at which their episode had been taken down. Not the rain that was spattering onto the pavement around them. And amazingly, not the woman who appeared out of thin air before them. "Should have known," he mumbled, loud enough for only Jade to hear. 

Fixing a smile on his face, Joel waved innocently to the colorful apparition. "Hi Auntie." He did his best to look like he hadn't done a thing , cutting a look to Jade while the goddess sighed. "What stunt? We were just doing a little research. No harm in that, right?"

The burning look that the goddess shot Joel suddenly made her feel a lot more menacing than her boho tie dye style. "A little research," she pronounced each word with special emphasis, as if she was holding back. "You exposed a place of safety and sanctity. You two have gone too far with these antics." 

Jade snorted. "Exposed," she repeated with a roll of her eyes. "Every monster and myth on earth already knows where that camp is. So why are you pressed about mortals finding out about y'all? Is it some way to keep them quelled?" She was tempted to start recording on her phone, and it looked as though the rainbow goddess was reciting a mantra under her breath. 

"You two... if this is a cry for attention, you will soon learn that you may be asking for too much. Attention is almost never a good thing to have on you, not with the forces you're playing with." 

Jade gave another exaggerated eye roll at the prophetic tone Iris was taking, then stuck her tongue out at Joel.

Somehow, Joel managed to keep the easy smile on his face, despite the heat from Iris' glare. He leaned back, resting against the trunk of the car. It wasn't every day that you got chewed out by a goddess but...it also wasn't the first time. Joel wondered how long the gods would find them amusing. He swallowed hard, not letting his thoughts go any further down that path. 

As if reading his twin's mind, Joel carefully slid his phone out of his pocket, intending to record the situation they'd found themselves in. The goddess launched into what felt like a pre-prepared speech, talking about the grandiose forces at hand and Joel tried to hide his smile. He caught the look Jade was giving and made a face in return. 

Looking back to Iris, he shrugged. "It's not a cry for attention. We're hardly the first to make a big deal about the strange stuff going on out there. I mean, come on, Auntie— did you even listen to it before you took it down? Long Island was home to some buckwild government experiments back in the day. How do you explain that?" He cut his hand through the air. "There are plenty of people like us that live in the public eye. Shouldn't y'alls sanctuary hold up against anything these 'forces' might throw at it?"

Jade gave a small quirk of her eyebrow towards her brother, but otherwise kept her expression neutral. "We're just saying that maybe it's a time where people start to open their eyes. People who don't want to see past the mist, they won't bother, but why not make it easier for those who could have a foot in both worlds? Mortals have always been a part of myth." Not to mention the fact that the gods may or may not have their fingers in some more suspicious business. Why were they located at the Empire State Building? What kind of power did they have over the political structure of the United States? Did Zeus make money off the Iraq war? 

Iris seemed to be less impressed with each sentence that came from the twins, and her patience was running thin. She looked between both of them before she flicked her hand at Joel's phone, instantly draining the battery. Before he could give her any grief about it, she held up the same hand. "You're lucky I didn't crumble that to dust, dear boy. You two are playing with fire. That is not a warning, that is a guarantee. I suggest you tuck your tails between your legs and not pull any stunts like that again. Apologize and thank those above you for vouching for you."

Chiming in, Joel added, "Yeah! The mythical and mortal worlds have been entwined for centuries! Seems only fair that people who want to know should be able to see what's really around them. And...without mortals, the gods wouldn't have so many heroes to do their bidding." It was a risky point to make, but it was true. Every myth he'd ever read proved it. Still, Joel got the feeling that the gods would not appreciate being called out like that. 

He meant to say more but in that moment, the jig was up. Iris had spotted his not-so-stealthy recording and Joel grimaced. He stood up a little straighter as she delivered her warning, pocketing his now-dead phone. Hopefully the little snippet he'd recorded would still he there when it powered up again but that seemed unlikely. Being told to apologize and give thanks didn't sit right with Joel, so he stood quietly, looking away from Iris to meet Jade's eyes. A raise of his eyebrows silently communicated 'what do you think?' and, at the same time, 'can you believe this is our life right now?'

The rain was picking up, as was the wind, and though Iris seemed entirely unbothered by it, Jade was wondering if she was going to have to change her clothes before driving to a motel for the evening. 

"Do you know what the gods bidding is?" Iris asked Joel, though it was clear that she didn't care for it to be answered. "Of course you don't. Or if you do, you clearly show that you do not understand. The gods are there to keep order. To keep it so that fate is handled in a way that does the least amount of harm. Do you know what happens if you ignore a prophecy, or try to deny it? You've read enough myth to know, haven't you? You can not deny prophecy, it will always come true." 

Jade's cheeks burned despite the cold rain on them, but she held her tongue, and shot Joel a response. 'Ugh, yeah, what else would it be' followed by 'we should probably leave it for now, though.’ She raked her teeth over her lower lip, realizing that Iris was expecting a reply, and maybe the apology she'd already mentioned. "Of course," her tone betrayed her, coming out as a grumble, and she cleared her throat. "I thought this was like Area 51. People even showed up there and nothing happened. Doubt anything is going to come out of this." She kept an eye on Iris, watching for any sort of recognition of the Area 51 incident, since Jade was positive the gods had something under wraps there. Then, she reluctantly added, in a much smoother tone, "We're sorry that it got so big. I mean, subscribers are probably gonna be great, if you let us keep them so we can afford dinner..." 

Iris rolled her eyes, but her stony expression seemed to be cracking, as though she'd delivered the message she was supposed to already. Even the rain seemed to be dying down. 

"—And thank you, of course, for vouching for us," Jade added, figuring that it was what the goddess had hinted at earlier and was now waiting for.

Rain dribbled down his glasses and Joel wished he'd thought of making tiny windshield wipers for them. There was always next time. He slowly took them off his face, using the hem of his shirt to dry them off before looking back at Iris. It would be so easy to continue to argue, to direct his frustration into something instead of holding it inside. But a goddess was a bad target to pick. So Joel kept his mouth shut and nodded along to her rhetoric, a thin smile on his face.

Letting Jade do the talking was much easier than bringing up all the counterarguments his brain had already conjured up. She was the more convincing of them anyway. Joel couldn't fathom how Iris could claim the gods were keeping order when you learned that the children of the gods had basically been the root of most major conflicts in history in Being a Demigod 101. And...Zeus was pretty much responsible for single-handedly being the worst husband in the world. He doubted Hera (or all the mortals he'd knocked up) would agree that he was keeping order. It was probably bad form to bring that up though. Faking a cough to hide his laugh at Jade's mention of Area 51 , Joel looked away. It was definitely bad form to laugh before a clearly pissed-off goddess. But there was something going on at Area 51. Everyone knew that. Idly, he wondered if @_kllledbycain was a Kakashi impersonator full-time. Maybe that was the link to the Area 51 raid they needed! He'd have to remember to tell Jade...as soon as they were out of danger of being smited? Smote? Incinerated. 

It was probably his turn to chime in. To really sell it. He arranged his expression into a sheepish sort of smile. "Seriously, the subscribers would...save us. But, uh, yeah. We didn't think it would take off like that, didn't think anything of it really. It was just supposed to be this silly thing we were working on. We're sorry if we put anyone at risk. And— yeah, what Jade said. Thank you, genuinely."

Jade glanced at Joel, wearing an expression that said 'what, are you going to get down and actually kiss her ass next time?' before glancing away, not wanting to snicker at her brother. 

Iris, however, seemed to be at least somewhat appeased by the twins responses, and while the downpour had turned to slightly more than a drizzle, she wore an expression like unto a tired caretaker. Was she ready for the next problem? Probably not, and so she would send Hermes to deal with that one instead. "I never said I was the one to vouch for you." 

Jade wanted to point out that she didn't deny it either, but she didn't want to make the little smile on Iris's face disappear. "Well, thanks for coming to deliver the message personally, then. It's always good to see you, auntie." Though it'd be better if it didn't come with an unneeded shower. Jade dipped her head to sniff herself. Okay, after hours of driving, maybe the shower wasn't entirely unnecessary. 

Iris hummed in response as the rain died down almost entirely, and her form flickered before the two demigods. "Now, if you even think about putting that back up, I won't be the god associated with weather that will be coming to speak to you." She sighed and put a hand up to her ear. "Okay, now I need to deal with a translation error in Prague. Don't make any trouble, good luck on your trip, and kids, please, get into a change of clothes, before you get sick." 

Jade opened her mouth to make a point, but the goddess was already gone, and so she just looked to Joel like a wet cat, jaw set as her hair dripped. "Such bullshit. I need to remember to wear a wetsuit next time we put up an episode.

Instinctively feeling the judgy look Jade was giving him, Joel turned his head in time to get her subliminal message and give her a generous eye roll in return. Maybe he'd laid it on a bit thick, so what? At least the rain was stopping now. That and Iris looked significantly less bothered and more like herself— which meant that instead of being 100% done with the twins, she was only about 70% done with them. 

"Tell Hermes we say thanks for the coffee," Joel grinned, giving Iris a little wave as he moved to dig a something out of the trunk of the car. He tried not to laugh when she gave them another warning, knowing full well that he and Jade were thinking the same thing. It was time for another episode. "See you later, Auntie," he gave the goddess a small wave as she shimmered out of view then, looked over at Jade. She really did look like a wet cat. He probably didn’t look much better. In fact, the two of them probably looked a little ridiculous. They seemed to be standing in the only area of the whole rest stop that had been rained on. Go figure. 

"Here," he held a towel out to Jade. "I'll add 'wetsuits' to our Patreon wishlist. Should I put 'umbrella' on there too?"

“Shut up,” Jade grumbled, clearly not in the mood for Joel’s ability to remain his goofy self in any situation. She took the towel and stepped around the car so that she could open the back seat and dig through clothes that she could change into for the rest of the ride. "There's an umbrella somewhere in here. Probably ten, honestly, and they're probably all piled under Toothless's cage." She shot their bearded dragon a look, as though he had been hoarding all the umbrellas on purpose, and he gave her a lazy wink in return. "He just winked, Joel! No shit! He basically told us that he ate them all." 

Once fully changed, she wrapped her wet clothes up in the towel and tossed it in the back (something to deal with later), then walked around the car fully so that she could climb into the passenger's side. She drew her legs up so that she could rest them on the dashboard, and was only on her phone for a short time before she groaned and slumped down in the seat, contorting in a very uncomfortable-looking position. 

"Ugh! Ughhhh. They got it taken off Patreon too." She huffed, looking at Joel with a forlorn expression. "Whatever, I don't even give a shit. Like this won't make it blow up even more." She wasn't sure she really believed her words, and her tone betrayed this. "Whatever," she repeated, rolling her eyes as she sniffled and turned her head to look out at the rain dramatically. It would have helped if it was actually still raining. "I'm naming the next episode number 33, I don't even care."

"Alright, alright," he nodded, understanding how his twin was feeling. While Jade busied herself looking for dry clothes, Joel set to work cleaning out the front seat before the next leg of their drive. It was no surprise that he quickly filled a plastic bag with trash— most of which was empty chip and candy bags. "He did what?" Joel glanced over the backseat, making eye contact with Toothless and raised an eyebrow. The reptile stared back at him, unblinking. "Oh, for sure. Tooth's a machine. He could eat a whole umbrella factory. Is that a thing?" 

Finally, the cab of the car was clean, save for the two coffee cups in the center console. Joel picked up Jade's cup, shook it to make sure it was empty, and added it to the bag of trash. Grabbing his own iced mocha, he took a sip, the straw making an empty slurping sound in the drained cup. This too he added to the bag. Returning to the car after disposing of their trash, a gleam in the console caught his eye. In the same moment, Jade clambered into the passenger seat. 

"They— seriously? Ugh." Joel quickly swapped out his shirt for a dry hoodie and got into the passenger seat. "God how do you drive like this?" He muttered before adjusting the chair and mirrors for his height. Wishing he could say something to lift Jade's spirits, a small frown worked its way onto his face. He knew his twin well enough to know that she'd recover in the morning when they saw how many new subscribers and views this debacle was sure to bring, but in the meantime— "Can I offer you a drachma in this trying time?" Joel had fished the handful of gleaming gold coins from the cupholder while Jade vented. Now, he held one out to Jade, the grin on his face almost as bright as the coin resting in his palm. "Looks like someone didn't want our episode to be taken down. Found it under the coffee."

Jade peeked away from the window back at her brother, looking up at him from where she was burrowing herself in her sweatshirt. She took the coin and pressed it to her chest, shifting in the seat to push herself up a bit, as the world seemed a bit less like it was going to end. She exhaled a breath and gave a small smile to Joel. "Should've left fries instead. Can't eat this." 

Nevertheless, her spirits were no doubt lifted, and she raised her eyebrows at her twin. "Ready to start work on episode 33 tomorrow?"

"Episode 33 tomorrow," Joel agreed, as he put the car in reverse. "Fries now."

#c: jade #c: jadejoel