#but there is a very obvious part of me that's obsessed w/mistakes and uncertainty and guilt and consequences

[hua-fei-hua]

i love you tragedies, i love you horrible things happening to good people, i love you character flaws, i love you unreliable narrators, i love you terrible consequences, i love you guilty consciousnesses, i love you catharsis, i love you inevitability

#i don't usually have the heart to put characters through tragic consequences of their own actions when writing fic #bc at the end of the day i'm more driven by hope and the belief of a better future/'it gets better' #and i suppose fic--both the stuff i read and write--can be a bit saccharine in that way #but there is a very obvious part of me that's obsessed w/mistakes and uncertainty and guilt and consequences #Bb-- for all of its half-written glory-- is my best and perhaps only example of me doing that in my own writing #and i think if i don't let myself indulge in those sorts of things my writing will end up neutered for it #i've started consciously telling myself to not cut the balls off my own writing just bc it scares me; let my art be authentic #and the snippets i've left raw bc of that (for as unpublished as they are yet) are still my favorite; for they feed this primal thing in me #i feel it in my gut my heart my throat when i reread in the way a 2d square might feel themselves becoming a cube #'upwards but not northwards' as it was put in flatland. #花話