#but the fact remains that if you can't handle a child having sensory overload and meltdowns and panic attacks

[vamptastic]

when i was a kid (10 or so) i was going grocery shopping with my family and freaked out and was refusing to go into the store. my dad reacted to this by trying to drag me out of the car and hit me in the parking lot. now that's not that bad (relatively speaking) but the part that really sticks with me is that some guy started recording it on his phone. i really hope he was just trying to collect evidence or something and didn't think me getting beaten was funny. honestly, probably says something about me that it took so long for me to even realize that he may have been recording for altruistic reasons and not because he was laughing at me.

#it just haunted me for a long time to think that he might have put it online to mock me #like id imagine people making fun of me saying what a spoiled horrible kid i was or whatever #in hindsight he was probably taking a video to call the cops and show them. But i wish i just hadn't been told about it #My mom said something to try to get my dad to stop but I wish I just didn't know. It really fucked with me #like when you're already being blamed for all your abuse it's very hard to not internalize that #and you just kind of assume that nobody is on your side bc obviously it's your fault for being a difficult child #and i WAS a difficult child lmao i had extreme mental problems and nobody knew how to handle them #but the fact remains that if you can't handle a child having sensory overload and meltdowns and panic attacks #you shouldn't have had children in the first place #i know this is therapy material and not Tumblr material but in my experience telling therapists about past abuse can be... a bad idea #Like for me it's bc i now get on okay with my parents. So they can assume I'm making it up or exaggerating and that hurts more than not #Saying anything at all. Bc they haven't been given the full picture. My last therapist was cool but this was when my dad was going to #Sessions with me and she had to be civil with him to get him to keep going. Which made me feel like she wasn't on my side and believed him #When he said it was my fault and he was having a reasonable reaction to stress or whatever.