#but i'm saying it anyway cause like hell i'm letting that bastad control what i do/say anymore than i already have

[fardf150]

anyways aggressive thoughts that keep me awake at night. i guarantee you do not want to read this.

i wish i had just fucking looked at him and walked away. why did i say anythiing? i hated him back then and i hate him now. why did i cry ehen the ambulance came? why did i pray and pray and pray for him to live? WHY DID I SAY ANYTHING? why didn't i walk away? why? because i wanted to be a hero? because 'he's still my brother'? because other people would be sad?

BULLSHIT. i've thought and thought and thought about what would happen if he died for real. what i would say at his funeral. how dosgusted they'd all be with me. i haven't felt a thing for him. i haven't been sad at the idea. maybe i'll be sad when it does happen. but maybe i won't? i don't know.

all i know is that he'd better pray his life doesn't rest in my hands ever again. i won't make the same mistake twice.

...or at least i tell myself that. i'm not that strong. no. i'm weak. i'm just some weak, stupid little kid who can't even help himself. i can't even talk loud enough for someone standing a few inches away to hear. my voice gets lost in an empty room. no. i'd save him again because i know they'd cry. because i know i'd blame myself no matter what i did. because i'm stupid like that.

#this is borderline homocidal i hate it #disgusted with myself for thinking this #but i'm saying it anyway cause like hell i'm letting that bastad control what i do/say anymore than i already have #vent #caps cw #violent thoughts tw #violent tw