#but i want to believe that kinn did that shit to fool tawan because i swear to.god.

[bitacrytic]

blue is not your color [8]

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I had to fix a part that rubbed me the wrong way in canon. It might come to bite me in the ass later if it was a lead-up to a major plot point. If that happens, I will find a way to deal with it. If it doesn't... well then I would have had this chapter to keep my mind at peace. :)

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"I trust no one.”

***

A very delicate balance, Porsche thought.

Having to trust a man whose very existence depended on his trusting Porsche was a complicated place to be in. Kinn loved him. He was certain of it. But wasn’t trust a necessity to get to that point? Or did Kinn’s feelings rely on what felt good, rather than what felt real and right?

There had to be trust. He had to believe in Porsche? Or else, what were they doing? So much of what Porsche needed to save this man’s life banked on him understanding that Porsche would do anything for him. Surely, he had to know that the spying was about their relationship, and about Tawan being a lying piece of shit.

Definitely not about selling Kinn’s secrets to their enemies.

Which would have been easy to believe if Kinn didn’t catch him running from his prison cell with Vegas.

“Porsche?”

Whatever madness in his head that had made him raise the gun in the first place dissipated as Porsche dropped it, immediately.

“You have to trust me.”

Your life depends on it.

I will never betray you.

I have to get to my brother.

Before now, Porsche would never have believed a person could love without trust. But he’d seen the distrust in Kinn’s eyes before. He’d heard the hate in his voice when he leaned into Porsche, loathing himself for wanting Porsche as helplessly as he did. Porsche knew. On some level, Porsche was aware of how Kinn could be feeling.

But he needed that trust almost as much as Kinn needed to trust him to survive.

***

“Are you just realizing?”

***

If anyone asked, Porsche would defend himself and say that he’d had an inkling. There were signs, blaring, warning signs screaming at the top of their lungs that Vegas was a walking red flag and not just a pretty face. And yet, Porsche hadn’t seen them. Not really.

Because Vegas was misunderstood, ragged upon, gossiped about. Everywhere Porsche looked, someone had something negative to say about a man who had only ever shown Porsche kindness. He could remember that night, when he’d been pushed to the point of complete depression, when he’d gone for a ride, free in the evening breeze, not a care in the world, because his boss’ cousin was the only decent human being in his vicinity.

Red flags?

In a sea of mean, murderous, mafia men, Vegas was just another man. One who’d treated Porsche better than most of them in the mansion. There was no reason to have his defenses up, more than usual. Yeah, Vegas had been pretty persistent about his feelings for Porsche, in a way that even Kinn never was. That probably should have been the first sign: a mafia man with unprompted words.

“What do you get from killing me?”

Vegas narrowed his eyes at Porsche, as if genuinely confused.

“Are you kidding?” he asked. “He’ll be heartbroken. Forget that, he’ll fucking die if you’re gone.”

“He’s stronger than that.”

“He’s sick because of you.” Vegas spat on the ground. “Fucking weak fool. He’s been coughing up petals for weeks now.”

Porsche’s struggle against the ropes stalled. How could he know? How could anyone know? Kinn had been so careful. If Porsche didn’t know what he was looking for, he’d never even know what Kinn was hiding, so how had Vegas found out?

Vegas laughed.

“He should have listened to his father,” Vegas said, raising his gun at Porsche. “No surgery will help him now if his heart is too busy mourning your loss.”

Kinn. Chay. Tem and Jom. Yok. Even Pete.

Porsche had been so stupid to trust Vegas and now everyone he loved would have to go on living, knowing that Porsche had never had the sense to see the truth that had been right before his eyes.

***

"You owe me an apology."

***

Porsche hated Kinn, just a little bit.

Okay, a lot. He hated Kinn a lot. He wanted to punch him. He wanted to give him a piece of his mind. But Porsche couldn't... he wouldn't refuse Kinn if he kissed him like this. As if he was trying to say things he couldn't say. In Porsche's mind, he chose to believe that Kinn was telling him he trusted him. Kinn’s kisses said that he loved Porsche, even though he'd never said it out loud. Vegas had spent every moment proclaiming his love and that had been a lie. If Kinn was cautious, then that had to mean something.

If he clung to Porsche, if he sought after him like this, then that had to mean that Kinn trusted Porsche. That he knew that Porsche would risk it all for him.

Unless Porsche was deluding himself.

Because, even he was guilty of not trusting Kinn. He'd left. He'd spied on Tawan. He'd be a hypocrite to complain about trust when his heart would always wonder if there was a part of Kinn that wasn't faking his happy trip down memory lane with Tawan.

"Do you trust me?" Porsche asked.

Kinn blinked at him and moved close, trying to plant another kiss but Porsche held him back. He really hoped that Kinn wouldn’t play this off as a joke.

"Use your words, Kinn.”

Three times now, Kinn had tried to avoid it. He couldn’t kiss Porsche every time they talked about trust, only to turn around and trust Pete more than Porsche. They were the ones who’d spent days together in the forest. If they could learn to trust each other then, why couldn’t they do it now?

Kinn licked his lips and moved his head out of Porsche's hands.

"Do you trust me?" he asked Porsche back.

"That's never been in doubt."

"Did you think I was still in love with him?" he asked, swiftly tossing his cigarette away.

"You didn't explain anything to me."

"I shouldn't have to explain it to you," Kinn snapped. "I told you that he means nothing to me."

"No, you said he never loved you. You weren't clear on your own feelings."

"Damn it, Porsche."

He turned to walk away but Porsche dragged him back, wrapping his hands around Kinn in a tight hug.

"Please don't run away from me."

"Porsche-"

"I'm sorry."

He needed to say it. Even though he said it first, it didn't matter. Because this was important. This was a moment that could run away from either of them and never return if Porsche didn't take the first step.

"I shouldn't have gone with Vegas. I know that."

Kinn's hands wrapped around him, pulling him in as he buried his face in Porsche's neck, sniffing quietly.

"Porsche," he said, his voice shaking. "I'm sorry, too. I should have-'' he gasped like he was trying not to cry. "I should have told you everything. I shouldn't have let you go. I was mad at you."

"I was mad at you, too."

"I should have trusted you. I'm sorry for calling you easy."

"I'm sorry I spied on you."

Kinn cried, squeezing Porsche tighter and sobbing into his neck.

Then Kinn coughed.

Oh no. Not now. Not when they were trying to move forward. In his arms, Porsche could feel Kinn struggling to swallow back whatever was in his throat, but it persisted, causing him to pull away.

"Kinn-"

Kinn turned from him as he coughed one heavy, dry cough that pushed something from his throat. As soon as it fell on the tiles, he tried to grab it, but Porsche blocked him and reached it first. When Porsche opened his hand, they gasped, together, staring at what Porsche found.

It wasn't a petal. It was a product of Kinn's unrequited love.

In Porsche's hand, covered in mucus and blood, was the tiny bud that produced the hanahaki flower.

"I can explain," Kinn said.

"Does this mean what I think it means?" he asked.

"I don't know." Kinn said. "What do you think it means?"

It could have meant that Kinn had coughed so much he’d dislodged the root of his biggest problem. But the easiest reason was so much better than that. Because if Kinn had coughed up the bud, then there were no more petals. If there were no more petals, then Kinn truly believed that Porsche loved him. And if he believed that then… Porsche laughed, jumping into Kinn’s arms as he wrapped his legs around Kinn and kissed the other man like their lives depended on it.

“I love you,” Porsche said.

“I… I-I love you, too,” Kinn said, laughing, even though he looked utterly confused.

Then he frowned at Porsche as his eyes widened. "Wait a minute,” he said, letting Porsche’s legs drop from his hands. “You’re not surprised at all. Did you know about this?”

“Hmmm,” Porsche pursed his lips. “Huh?”

“Porsche, did you know about my hanahaki affliction?”

They were dealing with trust, right? The bud was gone. What harm would it do at this point to tell the love of his life that he knew about this tiny, insignificant bud that had previously been trying to kill him?

“About that,” he began, knowing that he was going to have to apologize for this, too.

#kinnporsche #hanahaki fic #canon-compliant #Porsche POV