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theramblinghockeydude · 10 months

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Inner Darkness

One thing you will notice with my writing is that it sometimes is a bit hectic and sometimes words get left off. They don't make it from my brain to typing for some reason. Please bear with me on that.

I promised myself that nothing would be off the table, if I was going to do this and share my journey I was going to need to talk about it all as that feels like the only way that I can process it and put it behind me. I have been dreading this one because to openly admit this and talk about it and how deep it went, is to admit that I am weak and nobody wants to admit they are weak.

I have hinted at this in other posts on facebook, but I got to a point the last few years where I didn't want to live any longer. I am ashamed to admit that, but it is truthfully where my mind was. I wasn't suicidal. I simply didn't have the will any longer to live life and give it everything I have. I didn't care. I didn't have anything to look forward each day so I just simply...existed. I was ready to leave this earth if my time was coming. I was mentally prepared for that and even looked forward to it. "Wouldn't it be nice to just not wake up tomorrow" was a common thought of mine. I was broken. I was tired of hurting every day of my life. I was tired of simple tasks such as walking to the door to get a food order draining me of every ounce of energy I had because my knees just simply didn't work any longer and they ached all the time. The physical part of what I was going through wasn't going to kill me. I can honestly say right now as I type this...if things had not changed, if I was still in that apartment in Minot, I would not have been long for this earth. The desire to be was simply not there any longer. I didn't sleep much. I didn't eat well. I would usually eat an actual meal once a day and that consisted of whatever I decided to order from Door Dash or some pizza delivery service. The rest of the time I snacked on whatever I could get delivered from Dollar General or CVS. I was drinking anywhere from 3-4 20 ounce soda's a day. I looked like hell. My eyes were dark and sunken and I hadn't had a haircut in a couple of years. The hair thing drove me nuts. My room was nothing but hair, everywhere I looked, hair. I laugh now because when I sent the picture to one of my friends his wife saw it and asked him who the little old lady was. I simply had no desire or even the strength any longer to be here.

So, I existed from day to day, praying, yes, actually praying to God that He would take me, that it would be my time. I don't have it in to end my own life. Well, ok, so the way I was living was doing that, but I think you get what I mean. The faith that I had been clinging to for life was wavering. I wondered to myself, how could a loving God let this happen to me? Where was He now that I needed him most? Of course I know the answers to these questions now and I can see where some of the things that happened to get me to that low point have been for the best, but at the time I was wallowing in my own misery and was blinded. I felt like everything was being taken away from me. My knees ached so bad I couldn't go for drives any longer to take pictures. I couldn't rock hunt any longer. I couldn't grocery shop. I couldn't just simply do the simple things of life anymore that we take for granted and it was killing me inside. This is the point where some of you, if not all, are saying to yourself. Why didn't you go to the doctor and get your knees taken care of. I cannot put it any simpler than to say that I do not trust doctors. My past experience was not good and I see how a lot of doctors these days just push pills on you and try to treat you for things you don't even have under the "preventative" tag line. I will go to my grave believing that my grandma would still be alive today had it not been for doctors. So, in my mind, if I go into a doctor I have about a 50/50 chance at best, to feel better than when I go in. That is not a gamble I am going to take. You can disagree with that but it is how I feel and the thought of doctors brings on an anxiety that is hard to near impossible to overcome.

I heard a song during this time that really hit home with me and I listened to it a lot because a lot of it rang true with how I was feeling, especially the part of wanting Jesus to take me home. The song is "Desperate" by Light up the Darkness.

Lyrics are:

So I'm here again and I hate being in this place This place of guilt and shame / The home of my disgrace Where do I go now / I have lost my eyes to see I've removed my ears to hear You / I feel alone

Take me away / Take me to where You are I need to feel Your arms / I need to feel Your love Jesus, take me home / ‘Cause that's where I long to be I just need You now / Will You hold me Please hold me / Please hold me

I'm tossed by the waves and I'm not walking with You now I wonder why I hurt, but inside I know the truth I'm about to drown / And I'm just desperate to find You I know all the answers and still I can't break through

Take me away / Take me to where You are I need to feel Your arms / I need to feel Your love Jesus, take me home / ‘Cause that's where I long to be I just need You now / Will You hold me

You didn't leave me all alone And You begged me to come home But I pushed You away But can You take me now

Won't You take me to where you are / I need to feel Your arms Won't You take me home / ‘Cause that's where I want to be I just need You now / Jesus, take me to be with You Take me home with You Won't You take me / Won't You take me with You

The good news is, I no longer feel like this. Mind you, I am not scared of death, but I also do wish and pray for it any longer. I do still have to vigilante and mindful of my thoughts though as I found out a couple of weeks ago, I am not as far along mentally as I thought I was as things were not going well, I had new hurts that seemed like they were not going to go away and were going to be a part of each day, and I started to feel that hopeless feeling again. Luckily, I am not alone with my own thoughts any longer, but it did show me that I am not that far away from feeling that again.

I cannot express this to you enough, make sure you leave every conversation or situation in your life in a manner that you would be happy with as we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I never thought I would ever mentally get to that point in my life where I seriously did not want to live any longer, yet it happened and I didn't see it coming. I know we hear this a lot and we take it to heart, but eventually we slide back into our normal life routines and say and do things that if there was no tomorrow for us or a loved one, we would regret it or we would wish we had said or done something different. I know that I am going to try to my hardest to not let that happen to me any longer. Live each day with meaning and purpose and enjoy the little things. While you have the ability to, do the things you want to do now, don't put them off. Say the things to others you want to say, let them know how you feel about them, don't assume they know, they may but everyone likes to know they are cared about and hear it. If you have made it all the way through this you are amazing. Please do not worry about me as I am not in this state of mind any longer, I just needed to get that out in the open so I can further heal from it.

If you find that you have questions, or want to know anything, please feel free to ask me as I am trying to be an open book, so nothing is of limits...until we find what is off limits that is :)

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