#bad headspace has not gone away and im getting anxious about having to go to sleep tonight which is FUN

[minecraftgender]

current list of all alters

oh lord here we go: Luna: Hello! Im Luna! Normally I talk with a semicolon (;) before what I say. I'm 37 years old (my birthday is April 8) and I've really been around for about four years. I formed in the summer of 2014. I pretended to be an imaginary friend for the longest time up until late February. I'm the mother of our system along with a few others. I really don't have much to say about myself other than that. Oh also I'm pregnant and due in October. Jason: hey im jason im a protector or some shit. idk i like popcorn and homestuck. im 17 i guess my birthday is december 6 because im a fucking homestuck. i formed in late february by being an asshole and yelling at jade because he hates himself. im married to john egbert. woo. oh and addie (theyll be mentioned a lot) is my moirail. i type with a comma (,) before i say anything Lily: HI IM LILY!!!!! im 11 so shut the fuck up!!!!!! i can move up ages if i want. i formed in early march i think but i dont remember exactly when. i like cake and cats and jade and i wanna be just like him!! sometimes i draw!!! oh and my birthday is july 20 just like jade!!!!! im gonna be 12 soon!!!!!!!!! jades best friend addie is my mama and luna is my mom and other people are more moms!!L i have a lot of moms!!!!!!! I TYPE WITH A CLOSING PARENTHISIS LIKE THIS ) Jake: hi im jake. im 14. ill be 15 next march 18th, which is the day i formed. i think i have autism and my special interest is dogs. jades best friend addie is my mom too. i like the color purple, slime and rivers. i have 25 dogs. i really dont know what else to say about myself. i use an equal sign before i say stuff (=). im one of the tallest people in the system because im 6'4" tall. Ruby: hey im ruby im jades old imaginary friend. im 17, ill be 18 on halloween. i just kina appeared in here, its cool. i like minecraft and my little pony. idk im kinda just here and i sleep a lot and i use a question mark (?) Grey: hi there im Grey. i dont really do much in here, just play board games with aradia. i can also tell the future somewhat. really only if it pertains to jade. im 15 and i dont have a birthday since i dont really care about it. i type with an underscore (_). im really not that interesting. uhhhhh i got vored once and it wasnt fun. Emily: we really dont know much about her since she sleeps a lot. we do know that shes 20 years old. she only ever wakes up if im highly anxious. we think shes a survial alter if the rest of us are gone shell be there. shes super sweet tho. Becquerel: Hello, I'm Becquerel, yes the dog from Homestuck. I dont really do much except cuddle with those that want it and protect everyone. I have my old powers, so I can teleport our headspace out of technical existence and such. And still fetch bullets hehe. I was pulled out of a successful timeline though I don't think it was the alpha one. I use a carat (^) to type. I was given a collar that allows me to speak. I like it a lot! [you know, like Up] Rose: Hello, I'm Rose Lalonde-Maryam. I tend to not care about capitalization anymore, I have completely given up on it with this damned device. I'm married to and having a child with Kanaya. She and I are both dating the host Jade. I'm the other mother of this system. I also deal with children when the body has to. I and the others are 22 this year. I have vague memories of the game and all that but Jade needs to hurry up and finish the comic so I can remember the rest. I type using the rose emoji (🌹). John: hey! its your local tricky boy john egbert! i got tossed in here from the same timeline as rose and the others. i am just regular old john! i hang out in here and fight if i need to. i married jason a fee months ago. i type with a hammer emoji (🔨) Dave: its ya boi. anyway im the local fucking rap god. fergalicious, my neck my back, and deepthroat are my theme songs. im dating karkat, hes cute as fuck. i man the tunes in here [he plays fergalicious on repeat]. its lit fuckers. anyway i type with the sunglasses emoji (🕶) that doesnt show up on android. peace. Jade: hi im jade!!!! i used to be jadesprite but i was sad soooooo i got changed to normal dog tier me! i come from a tl where i still have bec powers after i finish the game too which is cool!!! i hang out with Bec and garden by the river! i type with a dog emoji before my sentences (🐶)!!! Roxy: heeeeeyyy its rosxy. i give up on soelling snd shit so yeah. i give out food if u ask and i pretend 2 b a wizurd sometimez. its fun in hrre i can fo nothing all fay. obvs i still drink (i give u some if u ask nice). i thpe with a glass (🍸) n shit. s fun. i dont remember rly anything from my tl. Jane: Hey! I just formed so I dont know or do much in here. I bake for the kids if they ask nicely! I mostly spend my time with Rox. I type with a spoon emoji (🥄) Aradia: Hell0! I've caught up with a l0t of mem0ries and I'm getting m0re with time. I spend my time playing b0ard games with Grey. I'm dating S0llux and Feferi. I have been t0ld that I give nice hugs. I type with my symb0l first (♈️) Tavros: hEY,, ITS UH,,, tAVROS. i SIT IN HERE AND PLAY WITH ALL THE DOGS. iF ANYONE NEEDS ME TO PROTECT THE SYSTEM I DO. i KINDA STAY AWAY FROM VRISKA BUT,,, uH,, sHE SEEMS OK. i DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i USE MY SYMBOL BEFORE I TYPE (♉️) Sollux: what2 up. the local pun ma2ter ii2 iin bu2iine22 over here. ii 2pend my tiime relaxiing and enjoyiing not haviing anythiing two really do. playiing that fuckiing game take2 a lot out of you. ii protect the 2y2tem iif ii need two. iim datiing aa and ff. ii al2o type wiith my 2ymbol (♊️) Karkat: I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKERS WANT FROM ME. IM LITERALLY THE FUCKING SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE, RELAXING WITH NOTHING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DO FOR ONCE. MY GREATEST FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT IS EATING 49 PIZZAS WITHOUT PUKING. I PUKED ON THE 50TH. I TYPE WITH MY FUCKING SYMBOL SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE (♋️) Nepeta: :33 < hey! i sit in here and spend looots of time with my meowrail Equius and my rp partner Terezi! its so purrfect to not have all the responsibilities of the game anymore. aaaaand im not dead! i type with my symbol (♌️) but sometimes i furget. 833 wats this Kanaya: Hello Children. I Am Married To Rose Lalonde-Maryam And I Am Dating The Host Jade. I Spend My Time Being Gay And Sleeping. I Unironically Like Vore I Am Not Ashamed To Admit It. I Also Discovered Memes And I Enjoy Them Very Much. Ben Is A Hoe. Bitches Like Yellow. I Type With My Symbol As Well (♍️) Terezi: H3Y. 1 H4T3 TYP1NG ON TH1S SO 1 W1LL M4K3 TH1S SHORT. 4H3M. 1 DONT DO MUCH H3R3 HOST J4D3 1S MY QPP 4ND TH4TS 4BOUT 1T. 1 US3 MY SYMBOL TOO (♎️) Vriska: idk im here for some dum8ass reason. i pro8a8ly wont quirk. im too tired to do anything. jade said i have depression and hes probably right. i spend all my time laying on the floor doing nothing 8ut think about eeeeeeeeverything that went wrong back then. anyway i use my sym8ol to 8e different from everyone else (♏️) Equius: D --> um. i am not sure what i am supposed to say. jason told me to say that i sniff e%haust fumes, which is not a lie. i mostly spend time with nepeta to keep her out of trouble. i am attempting to get over my "obsessiveness with the highb100ds. i use my symbol before speech (♐️) Gamzee: WhAtS uP mOtHeRfUcKeRs YoUr LoCaL cLoWn Is HeRe. I DuNnO I lIkE wEeD aNd HoNkInG oMinOuSlY aT iNcOnVeNiEnT tImEs. I jUsT hAnG oUt WiTh My BrO kArKat. MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS bRo. (♑️) Eridan: i dont understand the point of wwritin all this. i spend my time "sulkin" accordin to everyone else. im just relaxin and thinkin about wwhen i didnt have to remember all the bad shit. i also practice magic behind kanayas back. i used the Aquarius symbol before typin (♒️) Feferi: )(ey! I also really dont do much in here. I spend time wit)( Sollux and Aradia thoug)(! We like to talk about life back before the game. ot)(er than that i dont do muc)(. i use my symbol before i say anything (♓️) Her Imperious Condesension: she doesnt want to talk about herself since she doesnt remember much. she didnt know anything when she first arrived so Lily screamed at her to get her into submission. she wont hurt anyone. she uses (🐠) Jack Noir: he wont write anything because hes an asshole. he doesnt really talk anyway unless hes being fucking rude. he uses (⬛️) before he talks. he just generally hates everyone. Steven: Hi! I'm Steven Quartz Universe! I just showed up one day! I hang around and play with the dogs and the others. I'm 14 and I'll be 15 in two months!! I cant wait to talk!!! I use an upside down exclamation point before talking (¡). It's nice to meet you! Wildfang: she never talks, shes super shy but shes 9 year old me. idk how she got here or why. i think its a stable time loop. Rainbow Dash: yo its rainbow dash! im 16! im from host jades sunset shimmer canon!! i just got here yesterday! im agender so i use they/them pronouns and aro/ace. stay cool bitches. go punch a transphobe or smth idk. i use a rainboy emoji before i talk (wow so creative (🌈)) there are also four clones of my best friend and i think a clone of my datemate that disappeared. so 36 countable people including me.

#my head is chaos

[missmorphoart]

New Headspaces

Weird stuff going on today. So after making a lot of headway on ignoring my anxious thoughts, I decided it would be a great idea to dive right back into them 🙃🙃🙃 So I tried a lot of things-subconscious work today and such, but that gave me derealization/depersonalization and tremors real bad. I thought what I was experiencing previously was derealization, but idk anymore. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Prayer has been helping a lot, as has tapping on my forehead. Also I found out that when I’m playing video games, I often get anxious/OCD. I get obsessed with making all the right moves, not in an intense concentration way, but as in an “OMG ADRENALINE IF I DONT MAKE THIS COMBO IM AN IDIOT” way. Today I played Breakout and realized this-that’s why I liked it so much-it was so satisfying. But I’m learning to play games in a new way-a way that hopefully doesn’t give me anxiety. I’m focusing on concentrating intensely (but calmly) in order to play the game.

Also @ work my inner critic came to play A LOT. She came by in the form of mild irritation, then criticism towards my boyfriend, then towards me, then developed quickly into irritation towards my coworkers. I tried shutting it down, but the only thing that worked was prayer. I figured out later I was feeling anxious-I was revving myself up for no reason. It was sad-reality felt more real, but I realized that it was a really sucky form of reality to be in. Nothing seemed to be done right, every corner seemed to jut out more. I was angry/irritated at everything and everyone, and my smiles and greetings to customers felt extremely fake. It was really weird. I suppressed it as best I could and finally came out of it. Thank God. It was awful. I became my regular happy self again after a little bit.

I also had a lot of intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend-the ones that stick around, and seem to illuminate my whole life with meaning and try to take control of me, but that, when probed, reveal themselves to be nothing more than insecurity projecting itself. Today that little voice that was so sure of itself/peaceful said that all I wanted was to be alone, since no one would ever love me. It said I was better off alone. It said that everyone had left me, so what was the point in even trying to date? I should just go home and go back to bed.

Some other surprising thoughts-in my inner critic self, the quotes that were so inspirational to me just a few days before all became “stupid” and “idiotic”. My inner critic self was angry and sneering; I couldn’t understand what had happened. I think that same sensation happened last night when I was talking to my coworker and I could feel my boyfriend behind me. Something in me felt snide disgust and revulsion, and wished he would just go away. I hated that feeling. It’s not me or what I want to feel at all.

I’m beginning to question a lot of things-who am I when I’m not depressed? What do I like? What are my interests?

What I’ve found out so far-I like pink a lot more than I thought I did.

I’m learning to be ok with my interests as just casual interests-not obsessions. I still don’t know how I’ll cope without the emotional highs they gave me, but I’m learning.

Also, without my inner critic, it’s much harder to remember things. Before, I would be anxious and tense, making sure that everything was right all the time and making sure I remembered stuff, with the little critic in my head yelling at me to go faster, do this right, etc. My heart would pound and my chest would be tight. Everything around me would feel hyper-real. Now I’m working on developing a kind, nurturing inner voice that helps me to write things down and remember stuff. I’m working on praising myself whenever I get things done like that. Examples-when I was working the cash register, and when I’m writing papers sometimes.

Also-I’ve had this thought that my life will be boring without depression and anxiety-like it will be boring to be so happy all the time. Idk-I’ll have to talk to my therapist about it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

New discoveries-anxious thoughts-whenever I think that I don’t like my boyfriend, it’s likely anxiety. My heart pounds and my chest feels tight. The thought feels frantic/panicky. Tapping my forehead helps me to calm down and to see that nothing is wrong.

Anxiety, depression, and my inner critic are such huge parts of my personality that when they’re gone, I feel alone/disconnected/detached. It’s a sensation that I guess I’ll have to get used to. 🤷🏼‍♀️ If I can just remember to stay calm, and remember that anxiety, depression, and my inner critic are twisting my perceptions of my relationship, everything will be ok. With God’s help, my toolbox, and my therapist, I will be able to recover. 😆😆😆