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rainingpouringetc · 3 years

Text

but god i want to feel again

written for alastair pain day 2021 (even though it’s two days late) title from ‘touch’ by sleeping at last, which i listened to on repeat while writing

tw for brief implied period-typical racism, abuse, alcoholism, bullying, toxic relationships

read on ao3

all i want is to flip a switch before something breaks that cannot be fixed.

invisible machinery, these moving parts inside of me well, they’ve been shutting down for quite some time, leaving only rust behind.

well i know, i know- the sirens sound just before the walls come down. pain is a well-intentioned weatherman predicting God as best he can, but God i want to feel again, oh God i want to feel again.

~‘touch’ sleeping at last

---

Alastair rolled his shoulders back. He’d done this a hundred times before. It never got easier.

“Come on, now, Baba,” he groaned, lifting his father’s arm across his shoulder. Elias mumbled something incoherent and drooped further, stumbling over his own feet as he was dragged over the cobblestones. “Time to go home,” Alastair murmured, silently tallying how many times he had taken this exact route from this exact tavern in just the past month.

Twelve years old and he knew the location of every pub in every city he’d ever lived.

Their house was visible just up ahead—the third they’d lived in this year. Alastair noted that all the lights were out and thanked whatever god was listening. He couldn’t deal with redirecting Cordelia’s questions on top of getting his father cleaned up. Tonight was already draining enough.

He managed to get Elias up the steps and into the washroom with less trouble than usual, a sign that his father was perhaps more lucid than he’d originally believed. The clock on the mantle had read just past midnight—perhaps he was just tired as well.

“‘M fine, ‘m fine,” Elias slurred as Alastair attempted to wipe his damp forehead with a wet cloth, pushing his son’s hand away.

Alastair huffed and set the cloth aside before turning to rummage through the cabinet for a glass. They always kept a glass in the washroom for times like this. He filled it halfway and offered it to his father. When Elias only glared at it, slumping down on the seat and leaning heavily on the wall, Alastair held the glass to his lips and tipped it back, forcing him to drink.

When he pulled the glass back—his father having blessedly drunk it all without much of a fight—Elias stood abruptly. He was still quite drunk and thus swayed on his feet for several long moments. Alastair leaped forward to steady him, but was immediately pushed away with all the force of a heroic—however disgraced—Shadowhunter.

Alastair hit the wall hard and gasped as the breath whooshed out of him. His head spun—had he hit it? He must have—and his vision blackened at the edges. Elias was still struggling to keep himself upright. Alastair watched as he took a step and immediately crumpled to the ground. He stumbled forward yet again, trying to help, wanting to help, but his father cried out and Alastair froze in place. The last thing he needed was his mother—or, worse, his sister—hearing the noise and coming to investigate.

Alastair looked down and realized that at some point he’d dropped the glass. It had shattered on the floor. Head still spinning, he bent down to try to gather it together, instantly cutting his hands. He inhaled sharply, ignoring the pain and sweeping the remains into a small pile in the corner. He could ask Risa for helping taking it out in the morning.

His hand was bleeding rather substantially, blood running over the Voyance rune on the back. The only Mark he had.

“Are you alright, Baba?” he asked quietly, careful not to speak loud enough to agitate his father’s headache.

“‘M fine,” Elias repeated. “Go to bed, Alastair. I’ll be just fine on my own.”

Alastair didn’t believe it for a second. He stood and carefully maneuvered his father’s arm around his shoulders again. He couldn’t risk taking him up the stairs—Elias might fall, or someone might hear. There was a small room just down the hallway that Alastair had left his father in on numerous occasions to sleep off a hangover. It seemed tonight would be another one.

He shouldered the door open and deposited his father on the couch, making sure to leave him on his side and support his head with a few pillows. He knew he shouldn’t leave his father alone. Something could happen, and if Elias died because he suffocated on his own vomit there would be no one to blame but Alastair and his selfishness. But his hands were throbbing now, and his stele was upstairs in his room. He took the stairs two at time, skipping the ones that creaked the most, and shut the door gently behind him.

As soon as it was closed, Alastair slumped down against it, trying to steady his breathing. In, hold. Out, hold. In, hold. Out, hold. Over and over until the spinning stopped, until he could think again.

His stele was on his desk. His mother had given it to him last year, claiming it was a birthday present. Alastair knew it was because she’d spotted the bruises on his arms.

For a moment, Alastair considered leaving the cuts be. They would scar if he did, and it would hurt until then. But Alastair would revel in the pain, in the ability to feel something—anything—besides dull fear and numbness. It was the direction he knew he was heading towards. If he allowed it to consume him—

No. He wouldn’t let it. He wouldn’t let it change him.

Carefully, Alastair picked up the stele. It stung where it pressed against his cuts. He traced an iratze flawlessly and held his hand away to survey his work.

Practice makes perfect, he thought wryly.

---

Alastair sat almost fully turned around in his seat on the carriage, watching as Cirenworth disappeared into the distance. Cordelia, who had run behind them down the lane, struggling to keep up, had long since faded into nothingness.

“Turn front or you’ll fall off the moment we hit a bump,” Elias snapped from beside him. Alastair did as he was told, stubbornly looking anywhere but at his father.

Alastair did not understand why his father had insisted on seeing him to the Academy. Alone. There would be no one to make sure he returned in one piece, no one to steer him away from welcoming taverns or haul him out of a pub before he drank himself to death.

But for once, Alastair found he didn’t particularly care. He was going to the Academy, and his father’s health would no longer be his primary concern—his primary burden. He would be around children his own age. He would have a chance to finally—finally—make friends.

It was much more exciting and nerve wracking than he’d expected.

Cordelia had Lucie, a fact that Alastair was endlessly grateful for. But he was all alone. Cordelia could hardly count as a friend. She was his sister, after all, and therefore obligated to tolerate him, yes, but also to tease him at every available opportunity.

This was something he couldn’t risk messing up. He needed this. He was more desperate than he wished to admit.

Alastair spent the remainder of the journey in silence, shutting down all of his father’s attempts at conversation with a stoic nod or by blatantly ignoring him. It wasn’t his favorite method, but he truly could not deal with his father making him more nervous than he already was.

When they finally arrived at the Academy, Alastair’s stomach was a jumbled mess of nerves and whatever he’d eaten for breakfast—he couldn’t even remember at this point. He was too busy praying his father would leave before he could embarrass Alastair.

The universe wouldn’t give him a break, though.

Elias clapped his son on the shoulder and insisted on helping carry his bags up to the dorms. He nearly slipped on the stairs four times. He dropped the bags twice. Alastair wanted to crawl into a hole by the time they arrived. His roommate was nowhere to be seen—likely they hadn’t arrived yet—so Alastair went to stand beside the bed nearest the window. His father dropped the bags to the floor beside the other bed.

“No, Father, this one,” he said, pointing.

Elias blinked at him. “This bed is closer to the door,” he told Alastair, speaking slowly as if the implications should be obvious.

“I know. I just—I want the one closer to the window is all,” Alastair stammered, face hot. What did it matter? In a minute his father would leave and he could take whichever bed he liked most.

“Closer to the door is safer,” Elias insisted, sitting down on the bed and folding his hands together.

Alastair simply nodded, trying to play along. He might’ve gotten away with it, too, if the door hadn’t burst open at just that moment, revealing a slightly disheveled looking boy. Alastair assumed this was to be his roommate then.

“You’ve chosen your bed already then?” the boy said without preamble, nodding to where Alastair’s bags were sitting next to his father.

“He has,” Elias answered.

The boy nodded and swung his bags up to rest on the bed next to the window. Alastair swallowed thickly and said, “Thank you for your help, Father, but I think I’m alright now.”

Elias grinned. “Of course you are. I’ll be on my way then.” He stood and strode to the door, turning to say, “Goodbye, Alastair joon.” He disappeared into the stairwell.

Alastair turned to his roommate to find the boy was staring at him. “What was that he called you?” the boy questioned a bit rudely.

“Joon?” The boy nodded. “It’s Persian,” Alastair said hesitantly. “It’s just—something you call people you care about.”

The boy wrinkled his nose. “That’s weird.” Alastair flushed. Before he could defend himself, the boy stuck out a hand. “Piers Wentworth.”

Alastair took his hand. “Alastair Carstairs.”

Piers’ eyes widened. “Carstairs? As in—was that Elias Carstairs?”

Alastair nodded, confused at his tone. “He’s my father.”

“Your father?” Alastair nodded again. Piers dropped his hand. “I heard he spends most of his time at the bottom of a bottle.”

Before Alastair could process the words fully, Piers pushed past him and was gone from their room. When the words hit him, Alastair picked up the first thing he could find—a volume of poetry from his bag—and threw it as hard as he could at the wall.

---

Alastair wasn’t sure when he started to become numb. He thought it might’ve been sometime during winter, when Augustus Pounceby kicked him down the stairs and he broke two ribs. Or perhaps it was after that, when Piers locked him out of their room overnight and he slept curled up in an alcove, waking to find Augustus and his friends crowded around him, laughing.

All he knew was that it was a slap in the face the first time he heard his sister’s name come out of one of their mouths. It was Augustus who had said it—said something so awful Alastair’s mind had blocked it out immediately. All he registered was Cordelia and danger.

That was the last straw.

He’d grown used to their abuse, to their snide comments and kicks and punches, but if there was one thing that could snap him out of this it was his determination to protect his sister. She was too young, too kind, for this. He wasn’t too numb not to protect her a bit longer.

The next day when Augustus and his gang cornered Alastair again, he made sure there was a clear sight of some of the dregs—the mundane students. Alastair had tried to befriend them as well. They had turned him away, exclaiming that they didn’t realize they allowed people like him in the school. What should he care if a few of them were hurt to save himself and his sister?

The moment Augustus looked like he was going to make his move, Alastair made his, raining down insult after witty insult on the small group of dregs watching on. Augustus stared at him in surprise, then burst into laughter, even joining in once he regained his balance. Piers was there too, and Clive—soon enough the whole lot of them had turned their attention from Alastair and were focused solely on those poor mundanes.

It happened again, and again. Soon enough, Augustus and his friends weren’t seeking Alastair out to kick him around—they were seeking him out for help in their own schemes.

Is this who I’ve become? Alastair wondered faintly as Clive pulled him along down a corridor, speaking rapidly about a prank they were going to play on a few of the girls.

The numbness began to creep back in, diluting the anger and pain of which he’d long been so afraid.

---

Things were different, certainly, when Alastair returned from the Academy. Cordelia managed to pry some of it out of him, but he couldn’t allow her to see the full picture. That would mean telling her about their father’s drinking, and even he wasn’t so selfish as to tell her that yet.

The years passed, and Alastair allowed that numb shell to solidify and thicken, dampening the swirling mass of indignation and heartbreak that lay beneath.

And then he met Charles Fairchild.

Or, really, he met Charles again. They had seen each other—talked, even—at various Shadowhunter functions whenever the Carstairs were near London or whenever the Fairchilds were traveling to an Institute near them. Alastair had always picked Charles out effortlessly at such events, with his slicked back red hair and piercing green eyes.

Alastair knew better than to pretend he did not find Charles attractive. It had been no secret to himself that he preferred men—he’d known it since before the Academy, really. But it also wasn’t as if he’d had any opportunity to act on it.

So, when he was sixteen and in Paris for a few months, when he saw Charles again and the man dropped one too many thinly veiled hints, Alastair allowed himself to be swept away by the romance of it all—the mystery and charm and utter newness that came with Charles and all he represented.

It was wonderful those first months. Perhaps not what Alastair had expected. He supposed he hadn’t thought there would be quite so many rules, but Charles was very insistent. No one could suspect a thing. It was exhilarating.

Until it wasn’t.

He didn’t know when, exactly, it shifted from exciting and new to tedious and tense. Perhaps it was when Charles became engaged to Ariadne. Perhaps it was after the first dozen or so broken promises. Perhaps it was when Alastair realized a life with Charles was a life with doors shut and curtains drawn.

But who was he to complain? That was life, wasn’t it? Few people in the world were lucky enough to have a perfect whirlwind romance, and those who did often left others in the dust.

And Charles liked Alastair, had told him he loved him. He smiled at Alastair and didn’t act like he was a waste of space.

So while that numb shell stayed firmly in place to keep everyone else away, Alastair propped open a back door for Charles to come and go in his life as he pleased.

They didn’t see each other as often as Alastair would have liked, and when they were apart they didn’t risk sending letters—“Letters can be intercepted! Opened and read without your consent,” Charles had explained—but that didn’t stop Alastair from dreaming of a time when they could be together without the strings of society attached.

He dreamed of a time when he could feel again.

So he let the little things slide. When Charles and Ariadne didn’t split up when Charles had said they would, Alastair just said, “Next time.” When Charles chose Clave meeting after Clave meeting over Alastair, Alastair simply attended the meetings himself for a chance to see Charles.

And when Charles pushed him away at every oncoming footstep, every creak of the floorboard, Alastair pretended not to see the fear and shame in his eyes.

---

Alastair decided that Thomas Lightwood was the single most lovely person to have ever existed on the planet.

He also decided that he must be loopy from the exhaustion of the day because he’d never been prone to such sickeningly sweet thoughts before.

But he couldn’t deny it either. There was something in the way he wore his heart on his sleeve that made Thomas so approachable, so loveable.

Alastair found himself wishing he could bottle up this whole day and carry it around with him wherever he went. This whole murder trial business was far more bearable with Thomas there with him.

And yet—all good things must come to an end. Alastair knew it, perhaps better than anyone. And this… this was too good a thing to last very long.

Alastair did not wish to hurt Thomas. Thomas was good and kind and all the things Alastair never had been. Beyond all possible expectations, Thomas had entered the small group of people for which Alastair would do anything.

Even if it meant pushing him away.

Thomas was grieving. Alastair knew that. He knew that it was messing with Thomas’ head, making him act more recklessly and crave things that were bad for him. Alastair didn’t want to be bad for Tom—he wanted desperately to be good for him. But that couldn’t happen until things changed.

If they ever did.

If anyone would ever be willing to step forward and claim their feelings for him without fearing embarrassment or shame. If anyone would ever be willing to open the door for him and let him step out into the light.

At this point it was almost second nature to pull away from his touch, turn his eyes down and let the lies roll off his tongue. If he closed his eyes, he could almost ignore the sound of his own heart cracking.

As he strode away from him—from that single loveliest person to have ever existed—Alastair wondered if this would do it, if this would be the thing to push him over the edge and break something in him that couldn’t be fixed.

He could feel it—feel the gears inside him grinding to a halt and shutting down. Soon there would be nothing but rust left behind, and he would be blown away by the wind.

[tags - @littlx-songbxrd @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @barbra-lightwood @lifewouldbebetteronmars @imherongraystairstrash @itsdaughterofthemoon @stxr-thxif @knifescythe @axoloteca ; i just used my standard taglist, sorry if you didn’t want to be tagged <3]

#tumblr doesn't copy italics so i prob missed some lol #if u read it on ao3 it'll be better tho #alastair pain day 2021 #alastair carstairs #charles (derogatory)#i love that tag #elias (derogatory)#ooh that one too #the last hours #coi spoilers #tlh fanfic #artie tries to write #tlh

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artieistired · 3 years

Text

but god i want to feel again

alastair carstairs fic (originally for alastair pain day 2021 :))

inspired by this song || read on ao3

all i want is to flip a switch before something breaks that cannot be fixed.

invisible machinery, these moving parts inside of me well, they’ve been shutting down for quite some time, leaving only rust behind.

well i know, i know- the sirens sound just before the walls come down. pain is a well-intentioned weatherman predicting God as best he can, but God i want to feel again, oh God i want to feel again.

~‘touch’ sleeping at last

---

Alastair rolled his shoulders back. He’d done this a hundred times before. It never got easier.

Twelve years old and he knew the location of every pub in every city he’d ever lived.

“‘M fine, ‘m fine,” Elias slurred as Alastair attempted to wipe his damp forehead with a wet cloth, pushing his son’s hand away.

His hand was bleeding rather substantially, blood running over the Voyance rune on the back. The only Mark he had.

“Are you alright, Baba?” he asked quietly, careful not to speak loud enough to agitate his father’s headache.

“‘M fine,” Elias repeated. “Go to bed, Alastair. I’ll be just fine on my own.”

His stele was on his desk. His mother had given it to him last year, claiming it was a birthday present. Alastair knew it was because she’d spotted the bruises on his arms.

No. He wouldn’t let it. He wouldn’t let it change him.

Carefully, Alastair picked up the stele. It stung where it pressed against his cuts. He traced an iratze flawlessly and held his hand away to survey his work.

Practice makes perfect, he thought wryly.

---

“Turn front or you’ll fall off the moment we hit a bump,” Elias snapped from beside him. Alastair did as he was told, stubbornly looking anywhere but at his father.

It was much more exciting and nerve wracking than he’d expected.

This was something he couldn’t risk messing up. He needed this. He was more desperate than he wished to admit.

The universe wouldn’t give him a break, though.

“No, Father, this one,” he said, pointing.

Elias blinked at him. “This bed is closer to the door,” he told Alastair, speaking slowly as if the implications should be obvious.

“I know. I just—I want the one closer to the window is all,” Alastair stammered, face hot. What did it matter? In a minute his father would leave and he could take whichever bed he liked most.

“Closer to the door is safer,” Elias insisted, sitting down on the bed and folding his hands together.

“You’ve chosen your bed already then?” the boy said without preamble, nodding to where Alastair’s bags were sitting next to his father.

“He has,” Elias answered.

The boy nodded and swung his bags up to rest on the bed next to the window. Alastair swallowed thickly and said, “Thank you for your help, Father, but I think I’m alright now.”

Elias grinned. “Of course you are. I’ll be on my way then.” He stood and strode to the door, turning to say, “Goodbye, Alastair joon.” He disappeared into the stairwell.

Alastair turned to his roommate to find the boy was staring at him. “What was that he called you?” the boy questioned a bit rudely.

“Joon?” The boy nodded. “It’s Persian,” Alastair said hesitantly. “It’s just—something you call people you care about.”

The boy wrinkled his nose. “That’s weird.” Alastair flushed. Before he could defend himself, the boy stuck out a hand. “Piers Wentworth.”

Alastair took his hand. “Alastair Carstairs.”

Piers’ eyes widened. “Carstairs? As in—was that Elias Carstairs?”

Alastair nodded, confused at his tone. “He’s my father.”

“Your father?” Alastair nodded again. Piers dropped his hand. “I heard he spends most of his time at the bottom of a bottle.”

---

That was the last straw.

It happened again, and again. Soon enough, Augustus and his friends weren’t seeking Alastair out to kick him around—they were seeking him out for help in their own schemes.

Is this who I’ve become? Alastair wondered faintly as Clive pulled him along down a corridor, speaking rapidly about a prank they were going to play on a few of the girls.

The numbness began to creep back in, diluting the anger and pain of which he’d long been so afraid.

---

The years passed, and Alastair allowed that numb shell to solidify and thicken, dampening the swirling mass of indignation and heartbreak that lay beneath.

And then he met Charles Fairchild.

Until it wasn’t.

But who was he to complain? That was life, wasn’t it? Few people in the world were lucky enough to have a perfect whirlwind romance, and those who did often left others in the dust.

And Charles liked Alastair, had told him he loved him. He smiled at Alastair and didn’t act like he was a waste of space.

So while that numb shell stayed firmly in place to keep everyone else away, Alastair propped open a back door for Charles to come and go in his life as he pleased.

He dreamed of a time when he could feel again.

And when Charles pushed him away at every oncoming footstep, every creak of the floorboard, Alastair pretended not to see the fear and shame in his eyes.

---

Alastair decided that Thomas Lightwood was the single most lovely person to have ever existed on the planet.

He also decided that he must be loopy from the exhaustion of the day because he’d never been prone to such sickeningly sweet thoughts before.

But he couldn’t deny it either. There was something in the way he wore his heart on his sleeve that made Thomas so approachable, so loveable.

Alastair found himself wishing he could bottle up this whole day and carry it around with him wherever he went. This whole murder trial business was far more bearable with Thomas there with him.

And yet—all good things must come to an end. Alastair knew it, perhaps better than anyone. And this… this was too good a thing to last very long.

Even if it meant pushing him away.

If they ever did.

He could feel it—feel the gears inside him grinding to a halt and shutting down. Soon there would be nothing but rust left behind, and he would be blown away by the wind.

#tlh fanfic #alastair carstairs #artie's writing

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pride-vns-blog · 6 years

Text

LGBTQ VN Week: Day One! (6/18)

Welcome to the first day of my LGBTQ visual novel recommendation week, in honor of Pride Month 2018! Every day from today (June 18th) to Sunday (June 24th), I’ll be talking about four visual novels with LGBTQ themes, characters, and/or creators that have stood out to me and explaining a little bit about why I like them! I also reached out to a handful of those VNs’ developers and talked with them about their work, so you’ll be seeing a casual interview tagged onto the end of every post, too. ✨

To kick things off today, I’m highlighting four visual novels that are practically bursting at the seams with personality, all in their own ways — Saturn’s WORST DATING SIM, Obscurasoft’s Coming Out On Top, Brianna Lei’s Butterfly Soup, and Madeleine’s Inverness Nights!

Hit the jump to read about watching Animal Planet with punks, beta-testing hookup apps, Mario fire alarms, and why it is that so many visual novels seem to use character archetypes.

One note before we get started! This list isn't meant to be reflective of "the objectively best LGBTQ visual novels" or anything like that, which I want to be ultra-clear about upfront. It's not a list of all the ones I've ever played, either. There are plenty of visual novels with LGBTQ characters/themes that have been recommended to me frequently — while I was working on this list and over the past couple years — that didn't make it onto this list because I couldn't afford to buy them, or because they just weren't for me when I did buy them, or because of a million other reasons.

To give an example of this in action: I barely have any originally-Japanese language visual novels on here, because the number of M/M ones that get translated is already so low and already nearly 100% commercial, and I'm way more inclined to pay for M/M than anything else. (Reason: I'm gay and I like looking at hot guys.) For the purposes of this list specifically, I've also cut out a fair few BL-marketed VNs — from both Western and Eastern developers — that skirt around the issue of whether or not the protagonist is gay/bi/etc awkwardly.

I also tried to limit myself to one VN per team, picking the ones I thought were best representative of their output and leaving space to mention other works of theirs that I'd liked, with the aim of keeping this list from being totally dominated by studios who'd put out a lot over a long period of time. And then personal taste for other genre and content details comes into play, so it cuts out even more from what's left! In the originally-Japanese BL category alone, that left me with a single nominee, which was... Well, you'll see!

Basically, I went over a lot of different options to settle onto a list that's ultimately only supposed to be things that I, personally, would recommend! And I don't want to recommend things I didn't enjoy, one way or another. Nobody wants to sit through multiple paragraphs of a slog where I'm trying to talk about a game I didn't actually like (or, in plenty of cases, a game I couldn't afford) without acknowledging that I didn't like it. To be totally honest, that sounds like it would suck to try and write.

So if your favorite LGBTQ visual novels aren't on here, but you want to give people an excuse to play them, I'd love to read anyone else's personal recommendation lists! I'm not a journalist or a reviewer and this isn't anything close to a formalized games review blog that I'm planning to update ever again; I'm just a VN dev who felt like sitting down and making a list of other LGBTQ VNs I liked one day, so I went and I did it. And I felt like giving those other devs a platform if I was going to talk about their work, so I took my own Patreon earnings to pay for as many as I could, then I went and did some interviews, too.

Thanks for sitting through (or skimming, as the case may be) that wall of text! Without further ado, let's talk WORST DATING SIM!

WORST DATING SIM (SATURN)

Itchio Tagline: “MRGRGR.” Genre(s): Slice of life, shitpost. Release Date: January 22nd, 2018. Content Warnings: Brief depiction of blood; violence.

Out of all the visual novels I’ll be covering over the next week, WORST DATING SIM is the only one I haven’t seen nearly all the content for, and not for a lack of trying! Saturn’s debut visual novel, a challenging conversational simulator where a punk named Etsuji decides to follow you home and hang out with you purely because he can, features a grand total of 69 ways you can get a GAME OVER. By and large, these endings come at the hands of your newfound friend (?), who’s got a temper and a sensitive streak a mile wide. If Etsuji doesn’t like what you’re saying, he’ll knock your lights out, and you’ll get booted back to the title screen.

The way WORST DATING SIM doubles down on this challenge is by intentionally removing Ren’Py’s default save feature — if you piss Etsuji off, you’re back at square one, period. You have to either somehow retain the information yourself or turn to someone else’s successful run for help, because it’s deliberately designed to be done in a single playthrough without reloading. Even a fair few jokes in the script, like “I’m sure in several alternate universes he’s punched my lights out, but so far I’m safe,” are dropped in to acknowledge the fact that beating WORST DATING SIM is more akin to powering through a run of Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy. (But don’t worry, the Skip Text function is still there to help you out!)

As someone who does turn to guides frequently to find out what I’m missing on my third or fourth playthroughs of visual novels, I assumed from the start that at some point that I’d want to find a walkthrough in order to see any real endings. But the sheer charm of Etsuji’s responses and, to be completely frank, how much fun I was having just trying to scale Etsuji’s emotional mountain meant that I never really hit that point while playing. WORST DATING SIM’s distinct personality struck exactly the right chord in my brain that made me want to keep playing by myself, tunneling away at it persistently, and it made the ending(s!) feel all that much more rewarding.

WORST DATING SIM is available now for free on Itchio, and you can follow Saturn on his Itch.io or Twitter (NSFW) for updates on more potential WDS content or his other upcoming visual novels.

COMING OUT ON TOP (OBSCURASOFT)

Itchio Tagline: “The erotic comedy gay dating game that'll make [you] laugh, cry, and get a little boned up! Hot dudes included.” Genre(s): Comedy, romance. Release Date: December 10th, 2014. Content Warnings: Nudity; mentions of homophobia; sexual content; seriously there’s a lot of sex in this.

If you’ve played M/M dating sims in the English language sphere any time in the last five years, you’ve probably heard of Obscurasoft’s Coming Out On Top — drawing more from the Western tradition of porn by and for gay men than anything else, it tells the story of newly-out college senior Mark Matthews and his run-ins with hot guy after hot guy (after hot guy, after... you get the picture). With the help of his roommate Penny, he also takes on the hookup app scene and delves into a sea of bonus dates funded by Kickstarter backers, which were released steadily from January 2015 to December 2016.

Coming Out On Top’s steady stream of humor never goes so far as to be totally derailing from its focus on sexuality and Mark’s genuinely sincere approach to relationships, casual or otherwise; Obscurasoft manages to infuse the numerous sex scenes with enough awkwardness, humor, and personality that actually playing through them back-to-back feels less like a string of pinups and more like scenes Mark is actively involved in or growing from. As a character, especially one whose archetype has gotten a lot of mileage in gay porn since the dawn of mankind, it’d be narratively easy to let Mark remain a generally undefined slate for players to project themselves onto.

And while there is a degree of personalization, especially when it comes to how blatantly horned-up some of the dialogue is compared to other options the player can choose, Coming Out On Top is still very distinctly Mark’s story. His specific insecurities from years of being closeted don’t vanish as soon as he comes out, and hookups don’t always work out for him the way they might in ten minute long “first time” AVs. His grades still matter, and his friends still exist, and he’s still got his own sense of priorities the player can disregard (at their own fish-related peril) or see through on the slow climb to the end of his senior year.

Coming Out On Top is available now for $14.99 on Itch.io, and Obscurasoft’s website; to get early updates about what they’re working on next, you can follow their News & Updates blog or their Twitter.

BUTTERFLY SOUP (BRIANNA LEI)

Itchio Tagline: “Gay girls playing baseball and falling in love.” Genre(s): Comedy, slice of life. Release Date: September 16th, 2017. Content Warnings: Parental abuse; violence; racist language; homophobic language; ableist abuse and slurs.

The strength of Butterfly Soup’s personality, from beginning to end, is founded in its four point-of-view characters — kindhearted Diya, reckless Min, sharp Noelle, and carefree (?) Akarsha. As a group of ninth grade friends with different priorities and different reasons for joining their shared baseball team, which are as obvious as the hugely-varied color schemes of each girl’s clothes, they play off of one another easily. Lei uses her fair share of actual memes, but never ones that feel like the speaking character — usually Akarsha — wouldn’t say them, which holds true to the rest of Lei’s dialogue writing. It feels distinctly ninth grade without ever being mocking or trivializing the way everything is so extremely important all the time when you’re a ninth grader.

Part of that strength definitely comes from Lei’s willingness to lean on each character’s archetype and unpack it at the same time; Diya’s physical strength and sheer skill, combined with her reluctance to talk to strangers, could have easily seen her shoehorned into a much more detached character than she’s written as. Instead, she’s thoughtful, expressive, and deeply concerned with the people she cares about, even if she can’t always necessarily communicate that to them very well through her ever-present anxiety. Exactly how their own differences manifest and each of the three other girls’ reasons for being that way are slightly trending into spoiler territory, but I think Diya’s fellow main characters also each have their own similarly-smart tweaks on familiar archetypes that make their joke-filled banter all that much more personalized and memorable.

Although there’s a lot to love about the positive, hilarious moments in the protagonists’ everyday lives, one of the things that I think worked just as well narratively were the scenes that required all those content warnings up there. They're very much going to be a YMMV situation for different players, especially with my own caveat that my relationship to dysfunctional families is coming from white Irish ex-Catholicism rather than those two specific Asian cultures’ values — trying not to give any spoilers about which characters I’m referring to, here! — but in-text, they’re never situations without any future, because we can see that future where the group has each other, and they always have room in the moment to be angry, or upset, or hurt without the narrative itself punishing them for failing to be perfect. Instead, they get to play baseball and fall in love and set off fire alarms, and they do pretty okay.

Butterfly Soup is available now for free, and you can follow Brianna Lei on Itch.io, Twitter, or Tumblr to learn more about her upcoming work.

INVERNESS NIGHTS (MADELEINE)

Itchio Tagline: “Every relationship ends.” Genre(s): Historical fantasy, drama. Release Date: June 30th, 2017. Content Warnings: See Itch.io page.

There are a lot of things about Inverness Nights that worked for me in a way I don’t know that they would have in another visual novel — in particular, Tristram’s character is difficult in ways that pretty directly pertain to some of the content warnings linked above, and I was personally interested in seeing the text unpack that bit by bit. The eventual turn the story takes further on in your playtime, to try and phrase that in a way that isn’t super spoilery, was something I personally didn’t mind taking a little longer to get to.

Curious to hear what its developer Madeleine had to say about the story, their thoughts on character design, and what they’re up to next, I reached out to them for an interview!

IVAN: Thanks for having me, Madeleine! To get this conversation started, how would you sum up Inverness Nights to everyone reading this?

MADELEINE: Inverness Nights is a game about queer isolation and the importance of queer community outside of romantic relationships. Set in 18th c Scotland you play as Tristram Rose, an immortal gay man who has just broken up with his mortal boyfriend, and decide how he’ll cope with the loss as someone unable to tell the world around him that he’s magical and queer.

Sounds spot-on! And definitely a great summary of all the things that made it super appealing — to me, at least, haha. Before anything else, I want to note that it's been just about a year since you released Inverness Nights! Congratulations! How's the experience been, and what particular highlights or lowlights over the past year stand out to you?

It was good actually releasing a game, I enjoyed that part a lot! Aside from that, I really appreciated a couple of thoughtful reviews it got where people connected with it as a game where being queer is difficult, but not bleak. I think that because AAA games love tragic gay stories indie games can sometimes feel they need to be ultra-positive to balance that in the other direction, which is cool, but as someone who likes stories that’re more in-the-middle it was a gap I wanted to fill. There was a good reaction to that, albeit a quiet reaction. It’s a very ‘first game, niche game’ complaint but the lowlight would probably be that not many people played it — however, there are a lot of understandable reasons why it worked out that way so I’m not too hurt overall.

Haha, getting something finished and released is definitely a great feeling; I'm personally really glad you stepped in to fill that niche, as someone who likes things that are honest about their characters' pain without feeling exploitative or endlessly hopeless! In the fantastic (but spoiler-filled) Medium postmortem you wrote on your process, you say that "an important part of marketing visual novels is selling your characters"; the postmortem goes into that in fairly great detail, especially as it pertains to ensemble casts, but would you care to expand upon that observation in the scope of the visual novel genre (and how you're keeping it in mind for future projects) a little bit here?

People make fun of visual novels sometimes for their reliance on archetypes — you know, look up the average dating sim and you can probably tell in an instant who the bad boy is, who the smart girl is, so on — but when you’re selling a character driven game to people, you can’t give away the cast’s backstories and quirks up front or there’s nothing to play for, so you’ve got to find some sort of shorthand to suggest what an audience wants will be there, and that usually comes back to telling them which archetypes you’ve got. When I started Inverness Nights I kind of laughed at that reliance on archetypes and tried to do something different but I learnt the hard way why it’s important. At the moment I’m finishing a game called Catacomb Prince with my didn’t-quite-finish-it-for-a-jam group Skeleteam, and when our character artist Roxy was doing the designs I gave her very broad notes on who the cast were so they’d be more archetypical. Consequently we have a very recognisable cool girl/frat boy/petite NB slate of romance options that people’ve connected with waaay more easily and way faster than anyone did with the IN cast, which I think speaks to why it’s a sound approach.

I definitely agree in the importance of finding a good balance with archetypes; I've had people who've instantly bonded when I invoked "shy genius" or "lovestruck best friend", which ironically has given me a bit more of that freedom in telling their stories more uniquely! Could you shed a little light on what Catacomb Prince is, without too many spoilers, and what your storytelling influences for a visual novel like that have been?

Catacomb Prince is a Gothic comedy; you are Prince Vitali, trashy heir to a fantasy Renaissance kingdom, and you have woken up dead five years after a raging party. Your parents still expect you to inherit the throne despite your new skeletal appearance, but your kingdom’s laws require the King to be married. Find love, find your killer — or die again trying.

It’s mostly inspired by Animamundi: Dark Alchemist, which is an old kitschy BL VN about a guy named Georik taking up alchemy to make a new body for his decapitated (still living) sister while hiding his hobby from his friends. Animamundi has some very gloomy stuff happening but it’s so over-the-top about it that it loops around to being a very funny game, and I wanted more experiences like that in the world, so here we are. There’re also some aspects of other goofy Gothic stories in there, like Hammer Horror movies and EC Comics, though the romance aspect of it means it’s not all rib-ticklers all the time. We took care to make the love interests more than just fodder for jokes and/or horror. They’re complete, kissable people, with flesh and everything.

I am not doing a good job of easing up on the skeleton jokes but please believe me on that last point.

Glad to hear the love interests have skin! Not super fussed about that, personally, but I'm sure some players would have logistical concerns about things like skeleton-on-skeleton kissing. (I'd like to go on the record and say I'm pro-skeleton and extremely pro-skeleton puns, so I'm waiting with bated breath to get to play as your not-breathing protagonist.) Other than what we'll be seeing in Catacomb Prince, what kind of genres and themes are you interested in exploring more of in the future?

After Catacomb Prince I’m going to work on finishing an IF game I started last year called Captain Dracula, about being the last survivor on a submarine after your Captain reveals he’s Dracula. That’s also a comedy. I spent three years making Inverness Nights so taking a breather to make funny games for a while seemed like a good plan, and I’m really into classic horror, so I’ve gravitated in that direction with it. I’ve also got a regular no-pictures no-choices fantasy novel I’m several drafts through at the moment which I’ll hopefully be releasing later this year. Once those’re off my plate, I’m keen to try making either an 80 Days-style narrative travel game or a Clock Tower-style point-and-click horror for a change of pace. I want to do something that’s more about exploring a place; I do academic stuff as well as indie development and all my academic work has been on how we explore places in games, so it feels weird that I haven’t made anything that utilises my research.

It sounds like you've got a lot coming up! I'm looking forward to seeing how you can combine your academic studies with your fiction work, which already have such strong settings of place from the get-go. And last but not least, what LGBTQ visual novels from other developers would you like to recommend?

It's IF rather than a VN but I love Heart of the House by Nissa Campbell, which is a Gothic game about an exorcist trying to remove an evil presence from a Victorian manor house, and maybe also wooing some of its residents. It’s very atmospheric and you can be NB, two things I like a lot. With caveats I’m also really keen on Animamundi (like I mentioned earlier — fun, funny MLM but warning for violent horror elements and sexual abuse), and The House in Fata Morgana (a dark romance about a trans man trying to rescue his girlfriend from a cursed manor, there’s an extensive content warning list on its website). Lastly, on the lighter side, Butterfly Soup and The Duenkhy are both good VNs about queer people making friends :) probably play them when you need to smile after all the grimmer suggestions I’ve made.

Awesome — and thanks again for your time, Madeleine! It was a pleasure.

Inverness Nights is available now for $12 USD, and you can follow Madeleine on Twitter or Itch.io to keep up with all the skeleton romances and Dracula adventures they're setting their sights on next!

Thanks to everyone who read this far! Keep an eye on the Twitter thread or this blog for tomorrow’s post, where I’ll be talking about four more visual novels that I think do some crafty things with their creative design!

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officialthiamlibrary · 6 years

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Welcome to another profile on Behind the Screens, giving you personal insight on who your favorite artists are and what they do when they aren’t wowing you with their creative ability.

This week, we have the pleasure of learning more about Kristina, also know in our circle as Thiamlife. The author of Rivals AU, Anchors, and numerous prompts, she loops us in on her life as a trainer, her writing persona, and her tips for writing angst.

Kristina! To start us off, tell us something about yourself. The catch: use a sentence, where the word count is either equal to or less than the number of letters in you two favorite Teen Wolf character’s name.

Theo Raeken + Malia Tate = 19: I’m Sporty Spice but can act like Baby Spice, want to be Posh Spice but badass like Scary Spice.

Before the era of Teen Wolf, we found love and OTPs in other shows. What would you say were your first ships, think way back?

Oh lord, um, probably Marissa and Ryan from the O.C., but I also loved the Buffy/Spike/Angel situation.

And, how did you land in the Thiam Family? What about Theo x Liam drew you in?

Honestly, I just stumbled upon it. But it was one of those things where you see it and then it just clicks… like “Where have you been my whole life?” I wasn’t caught up when I saw the first Thiam related thing on my dash and was like hmm interesting and then when I was catching up the whole time I found myself desperately looking for all the subtle Thiam things.

I know we were made to hate Theo, but for some reason I just couldn’t and when I noticed that Liam didn’t either I was completely smitten. I just love how their love never was nor ever will be easy (blame the angst queen that lives inside me). They have to constantly fight and struggle to be with each other. But at the same time it was so blatantly obvious and simple for them to rely on each other even though they may not have realized it. I also just love how protective Theo was over Liam.

If you could build the ultimate paintball/laser tag team from any five characters on Teen Wolf, who would they be and why?

Malia cause she’s a straight badass and I love her. Theo because he likes strategy and has a serious sense of self preservation that would come in handy if the rest of us got taken out. Brett ‘cause damn, that boy is athletic. Corey because he could make us all invisible. And the fifth spot would be a wildcard choice between Chris, Derek, and Deucalion. All three of them bring something to the table and are valuable.

I’m definitely picking up the Sporty Spice feels, for sure! Together, your and Ashlee’s (AJP_37) teams would be an unstoppable force. Let’s shift into your writing. If your writing process was a person, describe him or her? What do they do? Wear? Listen to?

She is unsuspecting. A relatively plain and humble girl, but has a spice about her. It’s in her walk and the way she does her makeup. She loves leggings, off the shoulder sweaters, and having her hair tied up in a messy bun. She likes to listen to edm when she’s feeling light and free, Beyonce when she’s feeling badass, The Neighbourhood and Sam Smith when she wants to chill, and country on warm summer days. She’s a sucker for innuendos and teasing. She’s a gemini in the truest form and has many facets to her personality, but thrives in drama/angst. She’s fiercely loyal and it is extremely easy to make her jealous but she won’t show it unless cornered. She’s always ready to go big but wouldn’t mind going home either.

And your writing Kryptonite? How do you fight it?

My Kryptonite is honestly myself. There are always at least three different directions brewing in my mind in which to take my stories or chapters. Trying to pick one is so difficult and often deters me from completing things. I also am extremely critical of the flow of a piece of work. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to publish things because I know that it could be better but I don’t know how to take it there or don’t want to get rid of I have already written. When I feel like that I read over it a couple times and try to make all the adjustments I can before telling myself that this is how the characters in my head wanted it to happen if I was able to write a whole chapter about it. (Yes the characters in my head dictate where the story goes lol) I also go back and read everyone’s comments just to remind myself that people actually like the story so the new chapter can’t be that much different in terms of audience acceptance.

Do you write novels or short stories with original characters, as well? If so, share one you’re particularly passionate about.

I do. Although, I haven’t been paying it much attention since I got sucked into the Thiam fandom… whoops. It’s a romance novel about a girl that gets screwed over by her mom and doesn’t want help from anyone in fear that she’ll just be left in the same position. But a man from her past just won’t seem to take no for answer and refuses to let her continue in her struggle. The first chapter is on my Ao3, funnily enough it’s called Wolves and was titled that before I even began to write fanfics.

Characters often find themselves in situations they aren’t sure they can get themselves out of. When was the last time you found yourself in situation like that and what did you do?

I’m actually working on this at the moment. It happens far too frequently to just pinpoint one time… divorced parents that act like children are super fun in case anyone was wondering. Up until recently, I found myself being the tug of war rope between them and don’t know how to say no which ended up with me doing a bunch of things I couldn’t get myself out of. Can now happily announce that I have separated myself from that and hope to avoid those kinds of situations as much as possible from here on out. :) Sorry if that was too personal…

In addition to your prompts and other stories, you’re currently writing two chaptered works. We’d love to learn more about those and your process for bringing them to life. For anyone unfamiliar, can you give us a quick summary of both Rivals AU and Anchors?

Anchors: Liam Dunbar has had enough of being out of control. So he decides to shut his wolf off for awhile… the only problem is it could end up getting him killed. Theo Raeken had never been good with feelings. But he can’t fathom the idea of losing the little beta. So he makes it his personal mission to help Liam find his way back to the supernatural. Lines will be crossed and there may be no coming back from it. Its angsty and the end will have a twist you didn’t see coming.

Rivals: But rivaling teams AU though… Like, they don’t even play the same sports, but both teams don’t take the other really serious and they constantly prank each other and make fun of each other. Theo, captain of the Football team, and Liam, captain of the Lacrosse team, and they both claim they can’t stand each other and it would be all so easy if it weren’t for the fact that both find their counterpart more than just attractive and maybe one of their screaming matches on the field ends with them furiously making out under the shower after everybody else is gone. And maybe it becomes a regular occurrence from then on; first, they fight and bicker and then they make out. And maybe it’s getting harder and harder to pretend they hate each other’s guts because there is far more between them than just attraction. Oh, well, nobody has to know, right? Idea from formerprincess on tumblr. Okay this one is SUPER angsty, like beware.

What inspired you to write both?

Anchors kinda of just popped in my head one day. After Thiamweek and writing drabbles I decided I wanted to try writing a longer story. I fell out of love with it after being accused of plagiarism and honestly almost didn’t continue writing it. But decided that I would just change the end to reflect how the whole thing made me feel.

I saw the Rivals prompt on tumblr and was praying that someone would write it because it sounded sooooo good. The more I thought about it the more ideas I came up with until it got to the point where I was like no! I hope someone hasn’t already started writing it because I would love to take a whack at it. I hope everyone is enjoying what I’ve done with it! (P.S. sorry it has gotten a little dark, that was like rock bottom for both of them and now the only way to go is up :D)

Any scenes, specifically, inspired by your personal life?

Yes, actually. There’s a couple things in Rivals that were inspired by my personal life, mainly a few of the pranks that have been/will be pulled but there are a few other things in there, as well. And as I mentioned above, Anchors will kind of touch on how it felt to be torn down by someone but built back up by the most wonderful people.

They each include a fair amount of angst, what are some ways you get into the headspace to write angst? Do you have any tips for writers who’d like to improve those skills?

Hmmm. Angst is just something that comes naturally to me I guess. I love the way it makes you feel, like you have to stop but yet you keep going because you need to know what happens. It's like when you try to see how long you can hold your breath under water, those last few seconds burn and you know you should come up for air but you want to see if you can actually make it just a couple more. When I sit down to write something angsty I really just try to put myself in the character’s place and describe how I would be feeling but I make sure to tack on aspects from their character. For example, if Liam were to be sitting in the hospital with Theo, I would be freaking out and sad so I write that for Liam but add hints of anger and self-doubt.

So I would definitely suggest placing yourself in the situation and writing how you would react and then think of it from your character’s pov. I also like to write all my angsty scenes at night… it's weird but the darkness and less busy/loud city really help to put me in a ominous mindset. Also, use as many descriptive words as possible!!! Setting the scene for angst is, in my opinion, more important than the actual dialogue. Dialogue can be inserted anywhere but how it’s read or perceived depends on the mood you set for it.

Ok, that is amazing advice! Can we do a practice demonstration? How would you set the scene that use dialogue like, “Whenever you decide you can stand talking to me again, don’t.”

Depends on who’s pov it is. If the character is the one saying that then obviously they are a little angry/hurt. So the words “harshly” “through clenched teeth” “growls” “glared” would be really useful. But also internalizing the feeling. So like “He pushed out through clenched teeth. The words tasted like bitter venom in his mouth. He didn’t care how the boy across from him flinched upon hearing them, he only cared that he had allowed himself to be cut this deeply. He let his shoulders tense as he spun away from him and stalked off angrily to go lick his wounds somewhere else. The cold from the dingy warehouse finally breaking through his supernatural warmth and settling in his bones.” When I’m angry, I’m usually more angry at the fact that I allowed myself to be hurt/affected rather than the actual thing that happened or was said. So that’s how I would spin it if the character was the one saying it. Painting a picture as to why he reacted that way and making sure the reader can picture the look on his face and make them physically tense their own body in response to the words above.

If the character was on the receiving end of those words, I would convey the hurt/’oh fuck’ emotions. This one would be more internalized than the one saying it, so more of a mental reaction is needed here. Again, I put myself in the situation and visualize what I would do/what would be going through my head if I were to have that said to me. Here’s what I came up with: “He recoiled as if he had been backhanded. He didn’t mean to push the chimera that far. This all started out as a silly game but it had quickly morphed into something the both of them weren’t ready for. And now he stood there, frozen in place, and watched as the one person he truly cared about, his anchor, walked away from him in disgust. The room was darker without him, it was colder. Liam shuddered at the raw feelings slamming in to him and at tone of voice Theo had used with him. He hadn’t spoken to him like that since before he was pulled down to hell, Liam almost forgot who the old Theo was… and now he had just brought him back. His face dropped and a pained noise escaped his throat; What had he done?”

That’s just an angsty version though. It could also be placed in a humorous way. As a joke between Stiles and Theo. Again, set the scene… paint a picture for the readers with descriptive words:

Stiles mumbled under his breath for the fifth time while walking next to him. Theo couldn’t help but smile as they walked through the colorful preserve foliage on this bright autumn morning.

‘Something you want to say to the group Stiles?’ Theo chuckled after hearing yet another mumbled sentence out of the quirky boy who used to be his friend.

‘Not really’ Stiles grumbled which only made Theo’s smile a bit wider.

‘Are you sure? I’m pretty certain I actually heard you say that I had a good idea and that you were somewhat glad I was in the pack.’

Stiles retorted with some half-assed insult that made that rest of the pack giggle from their various positions beside them.

‘On second thought, whenever you decide you can stand to talk to me again, don’t.’

Stiles scoffed and stopped short glaring in to the side of his head making him stop and look back at him. ‘Oh that’s rich. You’re telling ME not to talk to YOU?’ He sputtered incredulously.

Theo smirked and nodded.

‘What the hell, why?’

Theo shrugged his shoulders and glanced over to Scott who was about to lose his shit laughing, same with Malia and Mason. ‘Because you’re extremely invasive and I don’t want you popping up at my house with some crazy plan every 5 seconds.’ He turned and winked at Liam.

‘Our house.’ Liam corrected as he slid up next to Theo brushing his shoulder against Theo’s arm.

Stiles sputtered and pointed at both of them, ‘How dare you! My plans are flawless’ he shouted earning a snort from Lydia and Malia, ‘and you… you… you little ungrateful shit! I practically raised you!’ At this point Mason and Scott were rolling on the wet leaves, tears streaming down their faces from laughter.”

Wow sorry just wrote a drabble and didn’t even mean to… see setting the scene is important! It takes simple dialogue to the next level and makes it a story rather than just a conversation. Hope this helps!

That was extremely helpful with a hearty side dish of entertainment. So while we're all processing how we’re going to write angst forever now, want to slide us any spoilers for things to come in both stories?

Haha, there may or may not be some steamy scenes in one or both of them soon. That’s all I can say for now.

I suppose, for now that has to be enough haha. Finally, what’s next for you? Both in life and in the writing world?

I’m currently in the process of taking over an athletic training company. So my workload has been steadily increasing, even though it may not seem like based off of how active I am on tumblr haha. Luckily, I get to do most of it from home before the actual coaching and teaching that takes place in the afternoon.

As for my writing, sadly I think Anchors is approaching the end… it will always hold a special place in my heart though because it was my first multi-chapter fanfic. Rivals is my number one baby right now and I have ZERO clue what I will do when I finish that. Hopefully I find another awesome prompt that can take Thiam for a ride. Been toying with dabbling in Drarry... but am thinking I’ll leave that one alone so I can just appreciate it as a reader.

My ask and inbox are always open!! I’m always accepting prompts; it may take me awhile to get around to them because of Rivals, Anchors, Secret Santa, and a possible oneshot smut ;) but I always like to take a break from my fics every once in a while to clear my head and get my creative juices flowing again!

Thank you so so much for wanting to interview me and get to know me a little bit more! The Thiam fandom is awesome and I’m so glad to call it my home!

And with that, Behind the Screens (BTS) presents ThiamLife to you! Let’s keep the conversation going; you can respond to any of her answers, ask more questions, send a prompt, or swing by for a chat with Kristina through her Tumblr Ask Box. And to dive into her works, check out her AO3 and Tumblr.

Tumblr: thiamlife

AO3: Mskristinamay

Ask Box: Thiamlife Ask

We’d like to thank her so much for entertaining our questions, especially the angst demonstration! One of our favorite pieces about BTS is the opportunity to learn craft secrets from one another. So thanks Kristina for breaking it down and going above and beyond the question :)

If you fan over a Thiam writer, artist, music mixologist, or video-making mastermind and want to know more about them, send us their usernames at any time. Also, feel free to add questions you’re dying to ask them. And if you, as an artist, would like to be a part of the Behind the Screens series, we’d love to get to know you, as well.

Until next time!

#thiam #teen wolf #behind the screens #thiamlife #officialthiamlibrary #mod: minna

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foundcarcosa · 7 years

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cxc.

1. Your first OC ever? >> Technically, my first ever OC was probably a teenage girl named Clarissa, or an Earth-loving (in the time of moon habitats) young man named Eden, or a moon-dwelling girl named Deirdre Halloran, or Aidan Quinn or any of the other characters from my Beauty and the Beast rewrite... because I made up all these guys when I was still in single-digit age and continued to develop them throughout middle school. Although that development didn’t get very far, because back then I knew way less about how to write humans than I do now.

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs? >> I have too many OCs to have an actual favourite.

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else? >> Darya, a friend from my early RPing days, let me ‘adopt’ one of the lesser-known (amongst our circle) members of her Katin clan -- Mikhail -- once. I don’t think I got to play him much at all, but it was still flattering enough to be entrusted with one of them in the first place.

4. A character you rarely talk about? >> All of them????? Except the fandom ones.

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be? >> Eh, that’s quite all right.

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related? >> A lot of my characters probably look alike because I gravitate towards certain physical traits. I can’t think of two particularly stellar examples off the top of my head, though.

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories? >> Some of them are. The Bayou Devils crew is part of a kinda urban fantasy-ish nWOD-based thing I was going to write. The Anathema was part of a very formulaic urban fantasy story I’d written last decade that I sometimes fantasise about overhauling and rewriting... except I’m not sure I can take the Anathema out of that particular formulaic urban fantasy mold without having to do away with everything about them.

8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here! >> I roleplay a fandom OC, Anand, who’s based in the Dragon Age fandom but is meant to be compatible with a wide array of fandoms. He’s not really fully formed. I’d planned on fleshing him out during the act of RP.

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else? >> Sure. I’m a storyteller, not a hoarder.

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design? >> Er... I’m not sure how to answer this.

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”? >> Like, someone with a really sunny disposition? Dax Kessler is a bit like that. But he’s a mutant, so there’s also the fact that if he’s attached to you, he will literally hulk out and destroy anything that even looks like it’s trying to hurt you. ...That’s ideal, right? An attentive, good-humoured six-foot-seven genetically-modified mutant? Hell, I’d take it.

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot >> Dmitri Katin. He’s Darya’s and I love him to death. I love him like I love my own self. I would kill for Dima.

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs? >> Do I have any OCs that aren’t troublemakers...? They pretty much all are, in some way or another. I’ll pick one, though... Severin Sane. He runs a bar called the Church of Ill Repute, where everyone calls him ‘Reverend’, and he’s a vampire. That all just sounds like trouble, doesn’t it. Well, it totally is.

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory >> Siobhan Caine was born of an archangel and an archdemon, making her a very potentially-powerful nephil but also making her incredibly cursed by both factions. She was under a spell of forced celibacy for a good few centuries. It sucked. At some point she became the Mistress of a faction of darkling creatures in a particular region, House Umbra, and after some time she met this one particularly powerful and particularly determined darkling who was determined to break her curse. He did, long story short, and the Seraph who’d cursed her punished them both, but it was a short-lived punishment, and so they got complacent. Until the Seraph came back and took her away from House Umbra, and the region it was a part of was destroyed... presumably by archdemons.

Like, her story was so fucked that it’s mostly the reason I don’t use her anymore. Where do you even go from there...?

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people? >> Of course. Let’s share.

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? >> Oh, I don’t know.

17. Any OC OTPs? >> Logan Iritian’s first and strongest love is always gonna be Siran Kezerian, who’s another one of Darya’s. We had a lot of OTPs amongst our children.

18. Any OC crackships? >> I don’t know.

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why) >> Man. I don’t know. They all mean a lot to me. I guess I’ll go with Doyle... well, he’s not Doyle anymore, he’s Rhys mac Keltar, because he got all his memories back and he doesn’t have to live by a borrowed name anymore. He was the first character I played in Legion of Darkness, the RP group that I met Darya in way back in 2009, and he’s gone through so much in that group. He was very loved, though, by everyone. I remember I killed him off because I needed to free up a character slot for a Faction Leader I wanted to introduce... and I immediately realised what a mistake I made because I was so distraught afterward. So the staff all made an executive decision to increase the number of character slots for staff, and thereby enable me to get Doyle back. <3 Good times. Real good times.

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)? >> A lot of them do, yeah. For example, Danny Aubrey, whose musical style (and personal aesthetic, honestly) is based on Volbeat. He’s also part divine, so his voice can project to an astounding degree. That’s very helpful.

21. Your most artistic OC >> Just gonna do what I’ve been doing and name an OC at random (I have so many that inevitably there are multiple that fit a question, ok, and I’m not even using fandom OCs for this!).

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how? >> No? I don’t know how they would get an opportunity to do that.

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like? >> Mistral Vane was originally a formidable giant of a demigod, a physical representation of the eternal storm... but I had him sacrifice a piece of his divinity to become human-passing, so I could use him in more RP groups. There just wasn’t a lot of playing room for a freakishly huge avatar of electricity, you know?

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why? >> Any of them. All of them.

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?) >> I really don’t think I have any blatantly obvious self-inserts.

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will? >> Why on earth would I have to do that?

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song? >> Danny Aubrey, whom I mentioned earlier, was inspired by Danny & Lucy (11PM) by Volbeat. Part of his backstory reflects it, as does the fact that his musical style is based off the same band.

28. Your most dangerous OC? >> Logan Iritian is pretty dangerous, considering he’s the avatar to the pure undistilled entity Ira, or Wrath (hence his name). The thing is, he hates being the Iritian. He was the Avaritian (when he hosted Avarice) once, and that was only marginally better. I think if I write him again, he’ll probably be the Luxurian (give you a hint what sin-entity that’d make him the host of), which was kind of fun to write him as for the brief time that I did.

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going? >> Dane Skjöld. He’s always been a shade too curious. That’s how he got trapped in a house ‘haunted’ by one of my more frightening OCs, VII, who almost eviscerated him. Luckily, Dane’s twin, Thorin, came through and saved his bacon. He got away with just a brand (the numeral “VII”, of course).

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection? >> Seth. Ramesses Set Khaldun is very sensual, as in they love being touched and touching nice things. He’d love being surrounded by stuffed animals. Just one nude blissed-out incubus buried in a mountain of enormous plushies from F.A.O. Schwartz. <3

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really) >> Domenico Sauvageon would have one of those dolce-vita-lifestyle type blogs, with the fancy foods and luxury items and headless men in suits. He’d have a three-column layout with a Louis Vuitton-inspired background and his own face as his icon. But he’d also sometimes make really useful and informative posts about fashion and makeup and how to pair your wines and shit, and he’s only a snob in that he prefers the finest things -- he doesn’t snub people who can’t access those things. In fact, he loves to share. He’ll spoil you until you end up a snob just like him.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? >> I don’t know enough about horror games to answer this. VII would make a great horror game antagonist, though, I’m sure. It’s got a bit of a Silent Hill vibe about it.

33. Your shyest OC? >> Rhys mac Keltar. Or Silas Carmichael, who can’t speak and who is very self-conscious about it.

34. Do you have any twin characters? >> Thorin and Dane, mentioned earlier. They’re... uh, also quite Lannister about it. But I’ll just leave it at that...

35. Any sibling characters? >> Danny Aubrey has a sister, Lydia. Acheron Cruor Dane has a sister, Isolde -- but I don’t use Isolde much as an OC in her own right.

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)? >> I can’t remember any that were made specifically for that, but I have plenty that turned out that way after the fact.

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human >> Oh my god, almost every character I’ve discussed in this survey has been nonhuman, or at least augmented-human.

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer? >> Seth. He’s a very good and very hypnotising belly dancer.

39. Introduce any character you want >> I’ll introduce one if someone sends me an ask with a letter in it. I’ll pick a character whose name begins with that letter or the closest letter.

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share! >> This whole survey is fond memories, lol.

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!) >> People have drawn fandom OCs of mine, but none of these guys.

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods? >> Well, Danny -- Daniel Apollonius Aubrey, whose lineage includes a Greek god. Also, Zion. He’s fascinated by mythology, despite the fact that he’s a Judaic angel.

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess >> Sure. I like ‘em tall, dark-skinned, long-haired, and nonhuman/superhuman.

44. Something you like about your OCs in general >> I don’t know. I’m very attached to them all. They were so much fun to conjure, and they hold so many possible stories in their existence.

45. A character you no longer use? >> There are a lot of those-- OCs I created specifically for a certain RP group that have no real use elsewhere, OCs that never got developed enough for me to care about keeping them, OCs that were just too tropey for me to even bother with. There’s a veritable OC graveyard in the back of my mind.

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly? >> I don’t think so, no. Sometimes I did, though. I try to be fairer to them these days.

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child? >> Probably.

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure >> No such thing. I make monsters. Gods and monsters, one and all. Even my nice guys are monsters (Logan, for example, who’s the most affable and loyal guy imaginable, is a high-ranking demon).

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes >> Logan would fucking love them. Except he’d be the obnoxious guy to send you memes you’ve already seen a thousand times, but he just saw for the first time. Because he’s slow on the uptake.

#surveysofsamedi #too many ocs on the dance floor

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