#as much as i love how much more removed Aria's speech is in being about the concept of memorials themselves | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sly-merlin · 3 years

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HUMSAFAR - let me love you forever || lee jooheon

HUMSAFAR || companion or a fellow traveller.

• pairing || jooheon + doctor! y/n

• Ages || 32 and 30

• Genre || transition from angst to fluff to angst to fluff / almost divorced au

• Word count || ~7k

• Warnings || angst???

A/N :: this piece is dedicated to my dear SEVEN @msmadness99 , written for the @kafenetwork kafeholidays event! a little note for you at the end seven! enjoy🥳

beta readers ::my cutie @hunjins and sweetest @adamfoolcry (thank you so much for being patient and correcting me my two grammarly professors) and i hope you enjoyed your cameo aria)

Synopsis ||

At our parting neither you cried nor I

But why is it that neither you slept peacefully nor I

Even as grownups, we sometimes fail to understand how to keep going when the going gets tougher. Easiest decision? Give up. You chose it. Jooheon respected it. But with each passing day, apprehension of parting forces him to finally realise what he should have been doing before the going got tougher for the both of you!

He has a choice. Either to lead you closer to him or let you further away from him. Choosing the former, he makes you wear the binoculars to the past countering your impulsive decision with another of his own.

Without a word spoken, how would he say “Let me love you forever?”

Playlist: rainbow-sana, still falling for you, sixteen - ellie, you are the one for me - Shania, every man of mine - Shania (this one is just for fun)

At our parting of ways, neither you cried nor I

"I can’t take this anymore, jooheon. It’s not love if it suffocates you. Sign these papers so we can both move on. Please!” you pleaded.

November 29

You pleaded.

He complied.

The very next moment, he regretted it.

He was lost in the old conversations when your emerging figure broke his train of thoughts. He removed the baseball cap shadowing his eyes to take a good look at you. You looked tired. Incessantly massaging your nape, you passed his car with heavy footsteps without even sparing him a glance. Checking over his shoulder, he felt his confidence fading away as you neared your own car. His trembling fingers opened the door but his legs refused to move. The fear of facing you after two weeks settled in as shivers travelled from his hands reaching his chest but a voice in his head screamed for him to budge. Today was the day he had waited a long time for. He had been gathering the courage for two whole days and that might not be long for others but for him they were.

Inhaling a deep breath he walked around his car to approach you. From what was obvious to a stranger’s eye, you looked like you were struggling with your bags. Did she lose her keys again? Jooheon wondered.

“Lost something miss? I mean missus.” He corrected himself with emphasis.

He noticed you pausing your actions. Your back was still facing him but you were no more rummaging through your bag. When you turned around, he was met with a pair of furrowed brows.

“What are you doing here?” you asked in an ice cold voice.

“I just- I just wanted to see you.” he replied forgetting his love-speech he had memorised earlier.

“Leave! And never come here again. Anyone could recognise you here!” you deadpanned but couldn’t hide your worry for his privacy making him smile involuntarily.

“How are you?” he continued ignoring your warning.

“What exactly are you looking for joo?” He loved the way the nickname rolled off your tongue.

“You.”

“I won’t repeat again joo. Do not bother me again!”

“And why is that?”

“We are divorced.”

“Not yet!”

“It’s just 13 days joo. Then you’ll be free.”

“But I don’t want to.” You rolled your eyes at his sharp tongue.

“Papers are signed joo. I’m not sure where you are heading but save yourself the hard work and focus on your career instead. I need to go home.”

You whirled around to continue the search for keys when jooheon smoothly picked you up to place you on the car hood causing you to let out a small yelp. Holding you securely, he closed the unwanted distance to rub his forehead against yours to ease the creases on your head. Right when you were about to release the breath you held, his lips met your right cheek in a sweet kiss. His one hand cupped your chin in the softest of the manner and twisting his own face to the right, his cheek met with your lips to earn one for himself as well. Before you could decipher his train of actions, you were positioned back on your feet. Winking at your baffled face, he walked back to his car, all while smiling like an idiot.

“What are-?

“Don’t forget to eat something. I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh and check your pant pockets!” he shouted inappropriately loud for a public place.

His car left the parking lot and unconsciously your trembling fingers traced the pant pockets. The keys were in your pocket and like always, he was the one that reminded you!

Time passed but you kept staring at the empty space, transfixed by his actions.

But then, what’s this that neither you nor I slept peacefully!

The glass photo frame in your hand was stained with salty mixture of your tears and the mascara that was adorning your eyes till few minutes ago. Your fingers brushed the drops away to save the photo but the endless stream wasn't helping much. With back against the bedroom door and the chilled surface beneath, your body slightly shook at the midnight coldness. The heater managed to increase the temperature of the room yet it failed to release the warmth that your heart yearned for.

The photo you held with your dear life was taken in Rome, at the congratulatory trip you both had taken on your first marriage anniversary. You both were standing on the top of the Spanish steps when the tourist photographer had clicked you with hands interlocked and eyes trained on each other, a perfect heart-warming moment. You both considered yourself lucky as a few months after your trip, sitting on the same stairs was banned. Your fondness with this piece of glass and paper couldn't be described in mere words, at least you always failed to explain your love for it. And now this immortal memory was your solace in nights.

You didn’t clearly remember the day, month or year when you first encountered it. you didn’t remember the exact time when the loneliness you felt when he went away for weeks on tours, the desire to snatch few moments for the both of you, the love that still grew with each day despite not being close was morphed into a guilty conscience of your inability to shower him with the same amount of love and affection you desired when he was away. What started with him ended up with you? Even in med school and his rap rehearsals, you both managed to take some for each other leaving no room for complaints. But as the years passed, you got occupied but you still got by, somehow. Even when he went to endless tours you took it upon yourself to surprise visit him from time to time so he won't feel alone and for that you even started double shifts to use them for leave. You did what you could until it was impossible to give your all and finally you grew tired of it. It was a year ago when you had your first fight over the issue. Jooheon had taken hiatus and booked a vacation as a surprise but you were unable to take any leave. In his displeasure, he had thrown some harsh words at you but nothing that a sweet love filled apology couldn't fix. But that small argument developed into extended string of many.

"Let's have a baby y/n. It's been more than 10 years since we got together. I think we are ready for an addition" he had proposed, only two days after you were promoted. You were burdened and confused.

You refused.

He complied.

When few months passed you felt like a liability on the man who wanted nothing more than to have a family with you. So you proposed the end.

"I can’t take this anymore jooheon. It’s not love if it suffocates you. Sign these papers so we can both move on. Please!” you pleaded.

He hesitated but agreed. You'd be lying if you said it didn't hurt. You expected him to start another fight with you but more importantly for you!

That was a month ago and now you were lying on the cold floor crying yourself to sleep to pass another night.

Jooheon??

You had never called him that. It was always joo for you! Since you were 19? 20? He couldn't remember but it had always been joo.

Ignoring the trivial fights that stretched over for more than a year had been one of the biggest blunders of his life. For what he considered insignificant, you took as warning. The things he remained oblivious of, marked the end of a decade old relationship. As much as he wanted to stop you, he couldn't. How he could be selfish when it came to the person who had loved him selflessly almost half of his life.

He complied when you pleaded. And his heart ached at the absence of any tears.

I failed her! These words repeatedly played in his head for two weeks. Who else was to blame for the calamity than himself? He was the other pillar of the house that you both had built once. He, instead of protecting it had shattered you as well.

That was a month ago. Following a week after that cursed day, you both signed the papers and had queued your petition due to winter holidays. Year was ending and so his life.

It was two weeks ago. When he moved out of the house. You had insisted upon shifting into the hospital dorms but he refused. You complied.

But miracles happen at unexpected places. For him, it held true.

Two weeks ago, you had called him for separation of an old joint account. You had opened your wallet for your id card when he had found his hope. In your wallet laid multiple stamp sized photos of him, some old some new. He was aware that you used to get your favourite photos in stamp size just to carry around but why his! When you had curtly made it clear that your feeling for him had died down.

With chaotic mind he had reached home. The entangled mess that his thoughts were found themselves making straight queues of responses that lined up from his head to heart.

There was a chance you had lied. Why? He didn’t know. The only think he was sure of was that he loved you. And perhaps you did too! And he couldn’t let you further away from him.

Your impulsive actions would be compensated by his own!

In the eyes that hold my beloved, who else can be beheld

5 December.

“I have to attend appointments joo. You just can’t turn this hospital into a picnic spot. If you don’t want to meet the security then don’t ever show your face again!” you warned again.

From the past three days, he has been camping in your office. Though he did wear a mask and a cap, you were still afraid his fans would recognise him causing trouble for you in the hospital.

“Yo! No need to be aggressive woman. I just came to eat your homemade food. I’ll go right after that. You want to eat with me?”

His crinkled eyes were persuading you to agree but always knowing better, you shook your head and left the room after picking up few charts.

Shutting the door with a thud, you left the room. Jooheon’s palm met with the table, the loud noise coming back to pierce through his ears.

Why were you so stubborn!

All he wanted was a response of some sort that, if not a guarantee, would give him an assurance that he was indeed chasing his old y/n. not that lack of any was going to stop him, he was just getting anxious. He was already late. The only way to have you back was to crawl towards you, slowly, cautiously until you were ready for him to run to you.

Till then?

A little effort and lots of waiting!

6 December

You saw him leaning against your car. Again!

“What do you want Jooheon?”

“Go on a vacation with me?”

You rubbed your forehead in frustration, “are you high joo? You cannot ask me to trips! You shouldn’t even be here in the first place. You probably don’t remember but we are not together anymore!”

“Have you lost your mind y/n.” he mimicked. “The divorced is not finalised yet.”

“I don’t know what bit you in a month but all this is not a joke for me joo. I’m not taking divorce to go on fun holidays wi-

“Nothing is a joke for y/n.” his voice suddenly grew serious, “just two weeks is all I’m asking from you.”

“We. Are. Separating! What part of this are you finding hard to understand?”

“Separation to separating? Nice journey baby.” He snarked, standing tall, jamming his hands in his pockets.

“I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

“You owe me few days y/n. I’m just cashing those.” He said nonchalantly.

“We both owe each other many things but you don’t find me demanding any?”

“Three weeks”

Wrapping your arms around yourself and ignoring his requests, you circled the car.

“Two weeks?”

You opened the door and threw the bag onto the seat.

“Please y/n.” you yapped at the proximity of the voice, gulping at him literally sitting on his knees!

“Joo do-

“I’m not asking for reconciliation. I just wanna spend some time with you. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t wanna leave you with a guilt y/n. please.”

9 December

“Of all the places, why here? If this is where you want me to waste my 15 precious holidays then sorry I’m out!”

“Can’t you just shut your judgemental mouthpiece and concentrate? Kihyun is about to enter the stage.” He whispered, picking some piece of lint from your jacket.

Yes, you were on a vacation. Your guilty conscience had over weighed your screaming rationality and also because he was too persistent. But this was opposite the vacation he sounded so excited about! No offence to kihyun, you loved the elder but the operas were not your thing and certainly not with a body running on 2.5 hours of sleep and caffeine!

“Look look, there he is!” jooheon slightly jumped on his seat.

You begrudgingly craned your neck to notice the man entering the stage with other two artists. Without further ado, the world-famous opera singers greeted the audience and began singing.

Taking a look at jooheon's face, you observed how his eyes lit up when kihyun's voice reverberated in the auditorium. The seemingly incurable boredom due to the same old melody slowly dispelled as the prominent wrinkles emerged around his eyes, the deep dimples appearing as if his cheeks had been scooped out.

He was invested in the performance and you in a very particular audience. You thoroughly enjoyed the side view of the exclusive affair until you just couldn’t anymore.

12 December

For the tenth time, you tried your best to push yourself but the heavy, soft clouds forced you further into the bed. You felt snug under the warm blankets, the relief of not having to wake up and run to the hospital at 7 a.m. finally crushing you but in a warm way.

Kihyun's high notes still echoed in your head as you prepared breakfast. This was the reason you weren’t super excited over watching him being all majestic on the stage. Since college days, you never liked how his voice would live in your head for several days after only an hour of performance. As for the recent one, it was two days ago, the day you last saw jooheon. You had tried to call him the day after with the purpose of throwing a small gratitude speech regarding his gentlemanliness for dropping your sleepy self to home but you weren't lucky enough to receive an answer. You felt annoyed at first for his carelessness towards the so called vacation but your annoyance died down after a much needed 8 hour nap. Now, you were sprawled on the couch eating away the delicious food while catching up on an old show.

No sooner had you finished the food than you ran for the door.

"My queen!" He squealed, pouty lips trying to touch you before his needy arms could. You rolled your eyes, opening the door for him, turning around only at the dramatic gasp he let out.

"What?"

"That's not how you greet your guests missus!"

"Guest?" You scoffed before continuing, "since when joo?" Strolling around the living room, you missed jooheon's perplexed eyes.

"Do you wish to stand there for the whole day?" You jabbed to which his lips merely curved up in the disgustingly adorable half smile that you hated so much.

"Do you want to eat?" You offered

"No. I'm good. Just here for a pick up."

"I could've taken up the surgery Mr. Nam is doing today! You wasted my two days!" You shouted from the kitchen, pouring some juice for him.

"Looks like someone slept well. Your zombie eyes are gone woman" he looked through the glass, clearly poking fun at your swollen eyes. "And please refrain from mentioning scissors and blood for a few days. Also take an extra coat."

"Umm what are we exactly doing?"

"I'll let you know missus!" You groaned at the overuse of the title you were no longer associated with but remained silent. For the time being.

"FUCKIN SNOW TUBING! You screamed in horror as your now soon-to-be ex hubby parked the car. "You know I hate this so much. What are we doing here?"

"Chill madam. You won't die. Besides you said you wanted to try it once before dying and according to an ancient saying who has seen tomorrow so let's go."

"No thanks"

"Thank me later baby" he snickered.

"I don't want to wear those already worn tubing pants Joo! Let's just go back." You protested but he merely rolled his eyes at your weak protest and grabbed your arm, dragging you along the railing.

After obtaining the tickets, you both were guided towards the changing area. A man handed you the snow pants wrapped in clear plastic.

“Sir are these pants washed?” jooheon asked, very obviously ridiculing you.

“Yes mister. These clothes are dry-cleaned and sanitized for proper care.” The man explained politely.

Jooheon’s judging brows danced in sync before he left you alone to change. The pants were comfy but you couldn’t say same about the whole tubing thing you were going to experience. You weren’t against snow or the related activities, but the ski slopes were frightening. Even thinking about the steep run, you felt nauseous.

Wintry air blew your hair as you stepped outside of the lodge area and into the white carpet zone. The temperature seemed to be decreasing as you took slow steps for the tubing area. As jooheon took your hand in his, you knew there was no escaping.

************

"Did you take my pictures? I got to post it. Everyone needs to know I went for tubing. They are going to be shocked boy!"

You kept mumbling while sipping your hot chocolate. You were busy staring at the snowman marshmallow melting into the drink that you missed his loving gaze on you.

"Yeah of course everyone needs to know. That the scaredy cat y/n, who's afraid of slopes, after 8 years of resolution, finally went to snow tubing"

"Are we going somewhere else" you mistakenly voiced your hope but feeling embarrassed, immediately drew your eyes back on the mug.

"No. You ain't feeling it but you are pretty overwhelmed. Let’s just buy some pasta and then I'll drop you home. I forgot my glasses so I can't drive too late"

Your face instantly dropped at his open disregard for your subtle indication. Blowing on the hot drink, you tried to drown his words with loud slurping but the disappointment was evident on your face.

Jooheon took a note of that, suddenly feeling not so exhausted!

And just like that another day was over!

13 December

The car rolled along the few bungalows that lined up across the apartment building where jooheon was residing since last month. He had called you to pick him up for his car had suddenly stopped working which was quite strange considering how much he cared for his boy toys. But here you were, returning the favour of his kindness!

"What are you aiming for Joo? This is not a holiday, it's just a city tour. And now a bookstore? Why are you choosing all the boring things in the world! Do you want me to throw you out of my car? You huffed as he mentioned the next destination.

“Bookstores? Boring? For you?" His nose crinkled as if he smelled a burnt egg.

"I love reading and you know that! But these days I- I don't get enough time to finish a book. Not even in a month! I don't wanna hoard more books and then feel guilty while passing our library" hearing yourself, you understood how frustrated you were over the fact that even after building a mini library to enjoy your love for reading , you weren't able to do the same.

"Yes I know! That’s why I don't understand why you refuse to make some time for yourself. Just like this vacation. You can take some days off. You are no more under strict supervision y/n. You can use your allowed days!"

"I know I'm promoted and all but it comes with a responsibility. I just can't leave everything for juniors and seniors to handle while I enjoy a cup of coffee!"

"Don't tell me they don't get their paid leaves! When they are not considerate enough then why do you bother so much about t- stop? Stop the car right here!"

Startled at his howling, you hit the brakes and parked the car in the permissible area.

"What was that bitch! You wanna kill me or something?" His eyeballs widened into infinity as your chest rose and fell with newfound anger. For a tiny person, you sure had some Good temper.

Horrified, he sheepishly smiled at you before pointing outside with his finger. Your focus changed scenery when you looked outside, blood calming in an instant, hands smacking your own face in astonishment.

"Oh shit! This is still alive!"

"Cut the profanities kid."

Some other time you'd have sliced off his tongue for calling you a kid but all your attention was diverted to the store outside. Jooheon chucked to himself as your eyes gleamed with something he had been missing from days and he was simply satisfied.

The Renaissance book cafe!

The place you once called your home! Not dramatically but literally as all your time beyond studied was spent there!

The bell chimed as you both entered the cafe. The air smelled of the warm memories that still lived within you but the consciousness that the walled space provided wasn't something you'd have carried with you.

It was a nice cosy 2 storey building, owned by an old couple. They both used to sit on the receptionist seat together, making everyone coo at their loveliness towards each other. But nothing remains steady! The old man was sitting alone, reading some comic book, not caring about anyone's arrival.

You exchanged an understanding look with jooheon before entering further.

The aroma of gold liquid felt oddly similar.

"Came for the books and stayed for the coffee. “You mumbled

"Come for the coffee and stayed for you" He whispered in your ear before walking away. “I need some short stories to detoxify myself.” He announced, stretching his arms not glancing behind. He knew if he did he's found you stunned and glued. But instead you passed him weakly, going straight for the fiction section.

"At least someone has enough time to properly read. Unlike me!"

Jooheon's heart knew your now dulled expression was not just because of the books. The old couple had been the subject of jooheon's final graduation project but being too busy with rookie career you had happily offered to do the observational worksheets for him. Their smiles, little arguments, interactions with each other and customers had taught you more about life then you'd have had on your own. His arm outstretched on its own but he retracted. He couldn't!

"Hey y/n. Let’s go upstairs!" He said, gripping your hand tightly, dragging you along with him.

"Slow down joo."

Nostalgia warmed your body as your feet led you to the section devoted solely to the majestic 1700s and 1800s. He watched as you grinned, fingers brushing on various titles

"How much time do we have?" You queried hopefully.

"Umm." He pretended to count, “the whole day" you slightly jumped on your toes at his words before picking up your favourite classic from the shelf.

"Which one do you want?" You asked like your hands weren't on the other copy of the same volume.

"I always read same as you!" He felt offended at you forgetting the most significant detail.

"Oh ok."

Shoving his copy to his chest, you made your way to the distant two seater couches. The setting of the table was incredibly inviting. It's was situated on the corner where there was minimum light, perfectly providing you the comfort of home.

"Oh hear me out y/n. There's a superb paragraph" You shifted your gaze towards him as he sipped on his coffee. "Once upon a time there's was a 19 year old boy named as Lee jooheon. On insistence of his friends, he once visited an amazing coffee shop. The ambience of the shop was so alluring that he decided to take a stroll. No book caught his eye but a certain pair of eyes did. The beautiful maiden's captivating eyes seduced the poor man into daily visits. With each passing day, he found himself getting trapped inside those y/e/c orbs. He wished the woman would spare him a glance or two. He wished she'd call his name one day. He desired to be born as the bookmark in his next life or the book itself! For she'd stare all day lo-

"Well if the young man didn't shut his mouth then the not-so-young maiden would pour the hot coffee onto his head." You whisper yelled as he cowered away dramatically.

"Chill. I'm just trying to have some fun. It's totally cool"

You nodded knowingly before fixing your gaze on the lost words.

Only if you knew what he truly meant by it!"

His eyes had the song that I never sung aloud

16 December

"I wanna stay here. Backstage!" You pouted, pulling shownu by his arm.

"Jooheon would kill me!" He shrugged.

"Please noni don't wanna stand with those mad fangirls and besides, I have heard your songs plenty of times. What difference it'd make"

He pressed his lips together, eyes glaring at you. "Wow y/n. It's been like 14 months since you attended our last concert. Now you don't wanna even stay in the audience. Where's the y/n who loved the thrill of bass!" His spoke and went on to ruffle your hair.

"14 months?" You chuckled. “No way! Your calculation is so wrong!"

Shownu folded his arms against his chest giving you a no-nonsense look, "then care to explain why your dear husband is shouting at everyone to not cause any problem because his precious wife is attending after 14 months! Even the food delivery man knows that you are here. After 14 months. Precisely"

A wave of guilt coursed through you as you took in his words. You truly didn't remember the last time you went out to support your husband. Another breeze followed at the realisation that jooheon was actively making efforts. For what? You couldn't say but being aware of his little measures, you didn't want him to stop. Why? You couldn't say that either but something tender had made its way to your heart and thawed the ice.

Despite having the VIP seats, the commotion that was going to follow made you anxious. It wasn't that you weren't fond of the monsta's power packed concerts but fangirling over your family members didn't set right onto you or you could say you didn't feel thrill that the rest of audience dealt with. You were glad that kyun's girlfriend was present to provide you the much needed company.

The evening was about to end and you were catching up with mina when suddenly your voices drowned out among the hooting of the crowd.

"Well everyone, someone has a special surprise for you all. This is a complimentary performance dedicated to all of you. Please enjoy and merry Christmas everyone"

The lights focused on the single chair on the centre stage. After a few seconds, the spotlight was occupied by a raven haired man.

Jooheon

“What is he doing up there? With a guitar?” mina jerked her head in your direction and found you equally flabbergasted by the whole scenario.

“I don’t know.” you barely managed to whisper back.

“I never knew he could play that?”

Mina’s wonder laced look and also of everyone present in the arena was worth capturing. Because they had simply never seen that man with a guitar before. He was always the enthusiastic, wildly alive rapper on stage. His secret acoustic career had always remained exclusive for your ears. Until now. With hair down and a simple hoodie, face rid of any makeup, he mirrored the younger version of jooheon who learned guitar specifically for you.

You noticed how his eyes met yours for a second but darted away. He cleared his throat nervously. Not only you but the whole arena could sense the odd overwhelming feeling that he radiated. The audience seemed all ready to see him in action but you slightly chuckled at how fidgety he was being. You could only hope he won’t run away from the stage.

But instead he exhaled mightily, shifted his posture and the very familiar tune resounded in the quiet place.

“When was the last time he sang this to me?” you quizzed yourself.

As he proceeded with the song, you felt like something you treasured for so long was being exposed to the whole world. Unlike others, the lyrics spoke differently to both of you.

You’re still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You’re still the one I want for life

Look how far we’ve come my baby.

You knew, among the sea of people, the only ears he wanted to reach were yours and you wanted nothing more than to scream on the top of your lungs that you indeed would run to him and he was still the one that you needed.

You wanted to. But you chose not to.

19 December

Your hand secured in his, he took painfully small steps to match yours as you were too busy ogling at every piece of item displayed in the showrooms. You weren’t interested in buying anything as you had told him earlier and he was pleased with anything as long as he got to be with you. Knowing that you were not keen on spending time outside in the cold, he was initially afraid of your reaction when he had suggested the idea of doing Christmas shopping. But your sparkling eyes had liberated him of the worries. Slipping into the crowd was easy but keeping a pace was getting difficult. It was an hour ago and now his one hand was crammed into his pocket and other one was holding yours. He had a Christmas presents list tucked in his shirt pocket but the warmth of your happy eyes was not something he wanted to lose at that moment. It was early in the evening so having plenty of time on his hands, he was more than happy watching you smiling like an idiot.

“Oh shit! Why didn't you remind me? We have to buy toys for ari!" You reminded him. Aria was minhyuk's three year old daughter and being the only kid in your friend circle she was more than just spoiled.

"What to get this time?" Jooheon's muffled voice got lost in his mask.

"What?"

He crouched down to speak in your ear, "I said what to buy?"

"Oh ok. Umm how about a roller coaster? She can play with it in summers and a Lego set of-

Jooheon was already looking at you when your head snapped up. "Which Lego set should we get?"

"A musical theatre"

"A hospital building"

"No"

You both cut each other and shouted, gaining unnecessary attention from a few passer bys. Slightly bowing to particularly no one, you dragged him by his elbow to enter a small antique shop.

"Why would a 3 yr. old need a hospital building" he sounded bothered by your choice.

"And she ain't going to be a musician either"

"Oh so this is about that hmm? Sorry to burst your bubble but she's going to be a rapper just like me."

"Yeah yeah we'll see-

"Do you want to buy something sir" you both turned inside the shop to find an old man smiling at you both. He bended forward forward in welcome which you both returned immediately. A glance at his face and you were already feeling awkward for barging into his shop without any purpose but before you could say anything, jooheon took your hand and pulled you outside.

"That was so rude joo!"

"Better than just standing there and looking like thieves caught up in the act" he explained and you merely nodded, getting distracted by the hamleys store in your eyesight.

"There it is!"

Jooheon chuckled at your cuteness and let himself follow your wordlessly.

"Didn't you make your list this year?" You asked, counting the sparkles on the night blanket. Of all members, including you, jooheon was always the most excited one on Christmas. He was always the one to write a list of gifts for others. That's why you were sitting on the concrete bench of the shopping centre, bags resting beside you.

You turned your head to find his eyes unwrinkled, trained on the night sky, face inscrutable under the mask. His was still just like the statue behind you, but his body radiated unprecedented sadness. But you knew him. Hesitantly, your hand reached out to break him from the bubble he had packed himself in. His shoulder trembled under your touch as he finally faced down.

"What?" He whispered.

"I was saying if you prepared a list for the gifts. We can get them so you won't have to shop alone."

"Oh!" He evaded your sight as his right hand mechanically clutched his coat just where he heart resided. You could swear you saw a flicker of something on his half covered face but didn't press any further.

"You ain't gonna get anything this time?" You asked carefully.

"No." He politely refused

You couldn't comprehend the sudden change of demeanour. He was fine in the store while surfing through the shelves so you couldn't understand the reason for his foggy behaviour. Maybe he was tired, you thought and suggested he end the day.

As you both walked the same pathway again, you couldn't help when you passed that antique shop.

Tugging at his arm, you caused him to stop.

"Umm joo, we were rude to that old man. He must have mistaken us as customers. Don't you think we can get something as an apology and maybe I'd find something good as well!" he nodded in affirmation.

"Oh yeah. We should. But hurry up it's getting colder"

You nodded enthusiastically taking a step back to enter the shop. Jooheon shook his head at your childish mannerism. Following you, he found your awestruck gaze at a wooden Christmas tree. It was a polished piece laced with beautiful ornaments. At the centre was a small golden star sparkling enough to blind someone but his gaze was fixed on something else that shone brighter than the artificial piece.

"Can we take it joo? We'll place this on the fireplace shelf, right beside your bronze mic."

The smile on jooheon's face dimmed at your words. Despite denying it several times, you were doing it too often for it to be considered an honest error.

You hummed again pestering for a response but none came.

"Joo! Can we get this?"

"I'll be waiting in the parking lot" before you could respond, he left. You were perplexed at his sudden action so you hurriedly apologized before paying for the tree.

You were breathless by the time you reached the car. Jooheon's head was resting on the steering wheel, arm limp by his side. Concern clouded your mind at his distressed state as he didn't make any move even after hearing the car window noise. Placing the gift pack on the backseat, you called his name. He immediately lifted his head only to look the other way and that's when you heard a muffled sniffle. You inched forward to rub his shoulder but he swatted your hand away as soon as it made contact with his body. It wasn't rude but still something prickled.

"Joo! Baby! Are you fine?"

"Ye-yeah. " He finally looked up but adjusted his cap to hide himself. "Let me just drop you home. Do you want to eat something? I'm not hungry so we can get something for your choice" he babbled, shifting the gears.

"What happened joo. Why are you so upset? Are you feeling sick?" A trail of questions left your lips. The more he remained silent, the more you became anxious.

"No I'm perfectly fine."

"Joo-

"I don't wanna talk about it y/n"

Irritated by his rejection, you resorted on picking your lips instead of paying him any further attention. But your attempts at ignorance went futile when he let out another choked sniffle. For the first time, you felt helpless. Your destination was near and all you could was twist the ring in your third finger, trying to distract yourself.

"I'll keep the toys with me. I'm gonna visit them tomorrow so I'll give it to them. Take your tree though"

You were already home!

"Are y-yeah I'll do that. Good night. “You remained rooted in the seat for the next few seconds but when there was no hope left, you whirled around to pick the paper bag from the backseat. Just when you clicked the button to open the door, your peripheral vision caught something on the space above the glove compartment. It was not there earlier!

Without thinking twice, you touched the paper picking it up, "is it a bill?" You were about to unfold it but jooheon acted faster than lightning to snatch it. He was swift yet failed as your grip was stronger.

"Go away joo. It'd tear!" You twisted your whole body towards the window as he struggled.

"Y/n it's mine."

He kept trying but you sneakily opened the door and jumped out of the car. You heard a loud curse but without a care for the man, you focused on the task at hand. Nothing was visible due to the natural darkness so you turned on your camera flash to look at it. Jooheon was also out of the car by now.

"Binoculars to the past?" You read out loud the words written in the centre.

"Is this some poetry joo?" If you had looked up, you'd have noticed the drained colour on his face. He was eventually going to tell you about it but he wasn't ready yet. And you kept reading out loud twisting his insides.

"Number one, sleep. Number two, meet up with hyungs, have a coffee with the old couple. Would she agree for the concert? Snow tubing to freak her out, guitar practice? Visit my parents, buy Christmas gifts? And test the waters? Withdraw the application?” your breath quickened as you recited the list.

“WI-withdraw the application joo? You also agreed to it now I don't see where the problem is-

“You can't see the problem” he interjected in a tired voice. “All this is a major problem y/n. We are divorcing and that's the problem. We'd never eat or live together and that's the problem. We'd never be there for each other and it might not be a problem for you but it is for me! I can't thin- you don't know how much I'm regretting giving in to you. I don't want to live without yo-

You didn't let him complete before you ran inside the building. He called after you but didn't follow.

But it was not over for him!

There was animosity, Indifference and anguish

The one who I was parted with had everything

But be didn't have unfaithfulness

Sprawled on the bed with the photo in hand you were missing him more than ever. The intensity of the pain you felt left you shook. You glanced at the ceiling with blurry vision. In the past week, jooheon had managed to bring the same felicity that you had known once. But with each passing tear, it flew away. You had already bid farewell to him three weeks ago. It was already over from your side so why you were still wounded. You were scared that one more day and you'd end up giving in to him. And you wanted everything but to cause him further affliction.

You winced at the constant noise of your phone. It was buzzing and there seemed no end to it. Sniffling sharply, without looking at the contact, you picked it up.

"Who's I-

"Don't leave me" the wretched sob that pierced through the phone had you dead. Pulling yourself up, you gulped against his words. He was breaking but so were you. Sounded like he had some things to say, you had too. “Please y/n. Each day is harder than the last. Please, just one more time, give me a chance to make you happy. I won’t fail you again.”

The image of his crushed face flashed through your mind and a moist hiccup shook you up.

“I’d never fight again. No arguments, I promise! I’ll change myself. Just give me a chance.”

Disbelief washed over when you heard his words. He was cursing himself for being the source while it all had started with you and not him. Your much needed explanation that followed flowed with struggle. “I- you were doing more than enough. I’m unable to return your love with the same intensity. You can find someone better t-to d-devote yourself to. I can ne-

“Did I ever say you were not doing enough? Did I- I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that. I never meant to.”

“You didn't do anything, joo. It felt the emptiness between us. You must have too! We can both do better than this joo. I proposed divorce after calculating everything. You were not happy anymore joo. I was getting bus-

“I was happy. Very happy. I respected your decision because you said you didn’t love me anymore! You never told me that my supposed happiness was the reason.” he choked out a reply. “You co-could have talked to me. It’s not like I wouldn’t have heard you. We could have found an understanding. There were two people in this relationship y/n. You had no right to decide for me!”

His words echoed through your room. You hid your face in your knees, trying to maintain the tranquillity and he didn't speak for a few minutes, donating you the time to collect yourself.

“You were-” you began, harshly rubbing the tears off your cheeks, “you were suffering joo. You took hiatus, twice, for me and I couldn't manage some time to be there with you. I knew how it felt to be the one waiting joo. I knew how you felt when I wasn't there to share your life.”

“Half of my life, I’ve been away. You never thought about a divorce before.”

“Because I thought everything would be solved one day. But I don't know how we exchanged places. Since last year you were the one waiting for me. The days are longer when you are suddenly left alone joo.”

“And instead of asking me, you simply decided for me as well. Why did you wait for all these years?”

“I loved you joo. I would never have left you just because you were a little busy.”

“Then why can’t you expect the same from me dammit. Why can’t I spend few days, dinners and nights alone? Why can’t I return you the love you showered me with all these years?”

“You wanted a baby and I was-

“I want a baby with you! Whenever you want and even if you don’t its fine, totally fine. You could’ve said so instead of putting so much pressure over yourself over nothing. This is not the y/n I fell in love with!”

“You should go home joo. It’s getting late.”

“Why didn't you wait a little longer? Am I not worth it?”

“It’s already too late for-

“I can’t let your stupid decisions drive our future. It’s not you! It’s we! And I’ve decided to try again. First but not the last. I’m willing to do this again and again until we no longer need it. We can’t live without each other. Don’t lie anymore. Not to me, not to yourself. We can make through. We promised to love each other forever. Let’s fulfil it. Can you do that?” he asked, expecting nothing yet everything. He hated how quiet you were but it meant you were pondering as well.

You bobbed your head like he could see you. Without much thought, you hang up the phone to let him in, this time for a lifetime.

He was my companion!

4 years later, 23 December, 20:00

"Jooheon where the fuck are you?"

Despite balancing yourself on the two ladder chair, you still lacked a few centimetres for reaching the top of the tree. Star in hand, you waited for your husband but he didn't respond.

"The fuck Lee jooheon! I said put the star on!"

"Why are you cursing in front of a baby?" He cried, scrubbing his hands on the apron.

“You are so annoying. Why did you buy a burj khalifa if you weren’t gonna help!” hips jutted out, you questioned him.

“Well I have some questions too! Why are you so short? Why aren’t you using the big ladder? Why am I in the kitchen? Why is Yves eating the carpet?”

The sarcasm fell off his face when you both saw your daughter. She was lying down and was indeed chewing the side of the carpet that she held in her tiny hands. You both sprinted for the middle of the room where she was enjoying herself.

“Bad baby!” as soon as you picked her up, she wailed like you had snatched her favourite toy.

“She’s just 2! Don’t talk to her like that” he reminded as you handed her over. She was a papa’s girl after all. “Go to the kitchen! I’ll stay here.”

You pursed your lips, refusing the offer. Smiling mischievously, he circled around to hit your butt with his knee before coming back to place a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You clicked the same cheek as he ran away, making horrible plane noises to make Yves laugh. She was pleased, you weren’t.

“Lee jooheon, go back in the kitchen before I make you regret your decision.”

Your warning voice echoed through the house as you raced after them.

And you never ever regretted opening the door that day!

With sunshine and shade, there was no parting ever.

hey SEVEN! it’s candy. you can call me SIMMI ! the past month was such a happy ride with you. in the beginning i wasn’t aware of your blog but as time passed and we talked more, we found out abt our similarities, our love for jooheon and hoshi’s cheeks (this info is impo) and our interests! my sytherin sister! i’m glad you were assigned to me(this is how the message read). i hope we can continue having fun together. and thank you so much for being the sweetest person. ilysm (and this was not a typical christmas fic but i hope you enjoyed it a bit!) now i can bug you without being terrified of that stupid anon button. MERRY CHRISTMAS CUTIE PIE!

#kafeholiday20 #kafenetwork #monsta x scenarios #monsta x reactions #monsta x imagines #monsta x reader #monsta x angst #jooheon #jooheon scenarios #jooheon fluff #jooheon imagines #kihyun #changkyun #minhyuk #shownu #hyungwon #monsta x reactio #monsta x fanfic

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captain-josslett · 3 years

Text

Hospitalised Part Two

(Part One)

Summary: Emma gets very ill while having sister night with Kara and Alex.

Words: 4.5k+

Warnings: Vomit, Needles, Mentions of Blood, Pain, Claustrophobia, Angst, Fluff

Pairings: Emma Danvers x Lena Luthor (Eventual), Alex Danvers x Sam Arias

Okayyyy. So I’ve been working on this all week. Humming and ahhing it this was good enough. But I’m just gonna most it. There should be a part 3 at some point! I hope this is okay!

Thank you for reading and let me know if you wanna be tagged or any general feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Taglist: @thewitchandtheassassin , @natasha-danvers , @life-is-hella-unfair , @finleyfray, @supergirl-writingz

It has been five days since Emma Danvers was admitted into the hospital and her own private room. Many tests have been performed, one being an ultrasound where the technician confirmed Emma’s gallbladder was overflowing with stones. Causing her sister’s to hug her close.

More tests were scheduled for later in the week after the antibiotics should have taken out most of the infection in Emma’s liver. The test Emma is dreading the most is getting an MRI. Alex had to tell her all the calming techniques she knew to prepare Emma for when she is slid into the claustrophobic space.

But in the early hours of the morning Emma’s jaundice, hazel green eyes snap open as a familiar pain shoots through her body.

“Fuck!” She cries through gritted teeth. She slowly sits up and rocks her body to try and relieve the stabbing pain in her chest, right shoulder and back. But she feels no relief. “Please stop!” Emma whimpers desperately.

“Em?” Kara’s sleepy voice calls out from the bed next to her in the darkened hospital room.

But all Emma can do is respond in pained gasps and moans. She’s suddenly blinded by a light being turned on. Revealing Kara standing next to her bed.

“Oh Em!” Kara reaches out and feel’s Emma’s sweaty forehead. “I’m gonna get help!” Kara turns to rush out of the hospital room but stops when her baby sister takes a hold of her arm.

“Stay.” Emma wheezes. “Button.”

“Duh, sorry.” Kara rolls her eyes at herself, in her sleepy mind she forgot about the simple technology in the room. She presses the button on the wall to alert the nurse on duty.

The corner of Emma’s right lip goes up slightly in a smile and she weaves her fingers through Kara’s. Her sister gently squeezes her hand, hating how helpless she feels and at how yellow and pale Emma looks. How she’s constantly rocking.

“Glasses. Please.” Emma hates her thick rimmed glasses but she hates not being able to see more.

“Of course! Here.” Kara opens up the glasses and places them in Emma’s other hand. Emma puts them on and the room focuses.

“Good Morning Emma.” Emma’s favourite nurse, Sarah, enters the room and approaches the sister’s immediately. Looking over the machines and tapping on her tablet. “Where’s the pain?”

“The usual. Was. Asleep.” Emma gasps out, trying to breathe through the pain. Her head lolled back and forth repeatedly.

“Okay, from a scale of 1 to 10?”

“9.” Emma grits out. Kara gently squeezes her hand again and Emma weakly squeezes back.

“Okay, I’m going to give you some more morphine to help you feel more comfortable.” Sarah quickly gets to work and after a while Emma is able to lean back on the raised bed. The morphine taking effect and helping her body start to relax. “Better?” Sarah asks as she takes Emma’s temperature and blood pressure.

“Yea, a 7.”

Sarah nods and writes some notes on the tablet in her hand. “I’ll contact the Doctors to let them know you’ve had another attack. We’ll need to do another blood test.”

Emma shrugs her shoulders at her. Needles used to scare her but after being poked and prodded so much her fear has lessened.

“Atta girl!” The nurse smiles brightly and starts the process of the blood test.

“So I was thinking.” Kara starts suddenly making Emma look at her in surprise. “I still can’t see why you prefer The Little Mermaid to Beauty and The Beast!”

A laugh escapes Emma’s lips. Knowing Kara is trying to distract her. “It’s because of Ursula. I mean her voice is incredible. And the laugh! Plus I love ‘Part Of Your World’ more than any song in Beauty and The Beast.”

“But the ballroom scene -!”

“Sharp scratch.” Sarah calls out.

“Is wonderful and I still cry at it.” Emma smiles at Kara’s horrified face. She grimaces slightly when she feels the needle go in. “But it always bugs me how a Prince doesn’t know how to read. Or the fact the fairy turned him into the beast when he was a kid.”

“All done!” The nurse smiles at the sister’s and cleans Emma up.

“Thank you Sarah.” Emma says gratefully and she waits for the nurse to leave the room. “Sorry I woke you.” Emma says softly to her sister.

“Don’t be, it’s what I’m here for.” Kara reaches up and cups Emma’s face. Rubbing her thumb over her cheek.

“But you’ve had a busy day.” Emma whines, knowing Kara worked at Catco and then many hours Supergirling around the city.

“The joys of the work I do.” Kara jokes. “But you are so much more important Em.”

Emma smiles but she feels her eyes growing heavy. The painkillers taking full effect.

“Looks like someone needs to go back to sleep.” Kara says while kissing Emma’s head.

Emma nods slightly. She can’t remember the last time she’s slept solidly and feels refreshed after. Which annoys Emma greatly as she loves sleep.

Kara turns to go back to the spare bed but Emma holds on to her hand. “Stay?” Her weak voice broke Kara’s heart.

“Sure.”

Emma budges over and Kara climbs up on the bed. holding Emma close to her.

“Love you.” Emma says while yawning.

“Love you too little one.” Kara carefully removes Emma’s glasses and places them on the table next to them.

“Only a year younger.” Emma breathes out, feeling herself relaxing in her sister’s arms.

“Yea.” Kara strokes Emma’s blonde hair trying to soothe her. She smiles while listening to her sister’s breathing getting deeper and her heart rate slowing down as she falls asleep.

Kara wakes up to the sound of soft voices. The superhero slowly lifts her head and blinks the sleep away. Across the room on the sofa’s is Alex and Eliza, looking over a tablet.

It seems her mother instinct kicks in because Eliza looks up at her two daughters on the bed and sees Kara is awake. Eliza smiles, quietly gets up and makes her way to the bed. Alex follows behind her, still looking over the tablet in her hands.

“Morning Kara.” Eliza says as she leans down and gives Kara a kiss on her cheek. Her eyes shifted to Emma, snuggled into Kara’s neck.

“Morning.” Kara can’t help but let out a yawn.

“I see she had another attack last night.” Alex whispers scrolling through the information on the tablet.

Kara sighs heavily. “Yea, she was fine when we went to sleep but I woke up to her cursing in pain.”

“My poor baby.” Eliza reaches down and strokes Emma’s blonde hair. “I can see what you mean by how jaundice she looks. And you said it suddenly happened?”

“Yes.” Alex looks up from the tablet. “She was fine a week ago, nothing was wrong other than how tired she was.”

“Yea, but she was sleeping a lot more. I just took it as her period was coming up.” Kara whispers as she rubs a hand against Emma’s back.

“But the day she was admitted I did think her colour looked off. I did notice the signs and I’m angry I didn’t do anything about it.” Alex growls in frustration.

“We can’t change what’s in the past.” Eliza says gently.

Alex nods and goes to get a chair for her Mom and herself. Kara happily stays on the bed, being Emma’s pillow. The three women quietly talk until suddenly Emma bolts up.

“I’m gonna be sick!”

Alex leaps into action and grabs a sick bowl just in time. Kara jumps off the bed, aware her body heat could cause Emma more discomfort. She presses the call button again. Eliza holds Emma’s hair back and puts it in a loose ponytail. She frowns at the pain Emma is in. How her baby daughter rocks back and forth as she heaves. The tears streaming down her pale cheeks.

“Another one?” Sarah says as she quickly rushes in.

“Yes, she suddenly sat up saying she was about to be sick.”

“Poor Emma. Here.” Sarah hands Alex a new bowl while taking the partly full one. She gathers more painkillers and anti sickness medication and injects them into Emma’s cannula. “There you go Emma, you should feel that relief soon.”

Emma nods weakly as she dry heaves. Her eyes squeezed tightly shut. “I wanna go home.” She whimpers causing her sisters and Mom’s heart to break.

“I know baby girl.” Eliza tries to soothe her daughter. Looking on helplessly as she rubs her back.

“Mama?” Emma gasps out before throwing up again.

“I’m here.”

Emma subconsciously leans into her Mom, who has to take the bowl as Alex almost had to lean over the bed due to Emma’s movement.

“I’ve got you baby girl.” Eliza coos and holds her daughter close.

Finally Emma stops heaving and Sarah makes more notes. “Pain level Emma?”

“I-I-I do-don-’t-”

Alex and Kara frown at each other. Worried at how slurred Emma’s speech was.

“That’s okay Emma, lean back and rest okay?” Sarah says kindly. Taking the bowl from Eliza and disposing of it.

Emma feels her Mom slowly lay her back down and immediately falls back asleep, holding her Mom’s hand.

Sarah reenters the room and picks up her tablet, typing away. Finally she looks up at the worried women around the bed. “I’ll alert the Doctors immediately. They should be here soon and generally they have a meeting before going around the wards.”

“Is this normal?” Kara asks, biting her lip.

“Generally no. But each case can be different. Unfortunately Emma seems to have the worst end of the stick.”

The nurse leaves and Kara changes into the clothes she brought with her. Both sister’s decide they are going to take time off work and stay with Emma. Both knowing they won’t be able to concentrate with how Emma is deteriorating. J’onn readily agrees and will cover as director and for Supergirl.

An hour later the door opens. All three women look over and they give Sam and Lena barely their smiles.

“Don’t look too happy to see us!” Sam jokes as she reaches Alex and gives her a kiss on the lips.

“Sorry, Emma had two more attacks in quick succession.”

“Oh no.” Sam breathes out and looks at the blonde in the bed. “She… She does look more yellow… Or am I imagining that?”

“No, she has got worse.” Kara says rubbing a hand over her forehead. Her worry for her baby sister makes her feel anxious and helpless. Realising Lena hasn’t said anything Kara looks up at the raven haired women standing at the end of the bed. “Lena?”

The CEO is staring at Emma intently, looking over every part that she can see. Analysing and running through ways she can help the woman she loves.

“Lena?”

Lena jumps when Kara calls for her again.

“Sorry.” She says quickly and sits in the chair by Kara.

“Don’t be. It’s not easy seeing her like this.” Kara wraps an arm around Lena’s shoulder and pulls her in for a hug.

“Have the Doctors been in?” Sam asks Alex, who shakes her head.

“Not yet.” Alex answers softly, running a hand through her hair. “Sarah said they need to get the MRI done so they can have a better picture of what’s going on. There may be a chance a stone has got caught somewhere and we don’t want that getting left behind when they operate.”

“Poor Em.” Sam looks at the blonde sympathetically and focuses on the hand Eliza is holding. She wonders how Eliza is keeping everything together. If this was happening to Ruby, Sam knows she would be a frantic mess.

Another hour passes. Lena and Sam reluctantly have to leave. Lena is especially sad she didn’t get to talk to Emma and feeling guilty for how busy she’s been the past few days. Even though she’s been leaving work in record time to spend the evenings with Emma, it never seems to be enough time. Lena places a kiss on Emma’s cheek, leaving a red lipstick mark, which she quickly wipes off. Not realising her kiss had woken Emma up.

After they leave there’s a knock on the door. Emma stirs more, taking a deep breath in as she starts to open her eyes.

“May we come in?” Dr Stevens asks as they open the door.

Eliza nods and Dr Stevens, Sarah and a few interns filter into the room.

“Ah Emma! You're awake.” Dr Stevens smiles kindly at the blonde. Who gives a weak smile back. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore.” Emma’s voice is low and gruff. She coughs and Alex immediately grabs the cup of water by the bed and hands it to Emma. Who takes it gratefully, taking small sips. Alex picks up Emma’s glasses and carefully places them on her baby sister. Making sure they go on properly.

“What level is the pain?”

Emma thinks for a moment as she assesses how she feels. “Between 7 and an 8.”

“That isn’t good.” Dr Stevens looks down at their tablet. “Sarah, once Emma has her MRI can you set up a morphine drip? That way we can keep Emma more comfortable.”

Sarah nods and taps on her tablet the new information.

“Due to the recent attacks we are putting you ahead of the MRI queue. One of my interns will take you down in a moment. You need to take anything that has metal off, including jewellery, bras, little pieces of metal in clothes etc.”

Emma nods sluggishly at the surgeon.

“Do you have any questions?” Dr Stevens keeps their focus on Emma who looks at those around her.

“No, I think we are okay for the moment.” Eliza says squeezing Emma’s hand.

“Actually.” Alex pipes up causing everyone to look at her. “Have you got the results from the recent blood test?”

“We do, but I want to see what the MRI shows first.”

Alex nods at this and leans back into her chair. The surgeon bids them goodbye and all of the interns follow them out.

Emma reaches up and tries to unclasp her ear studs. When she struggles Kara stands and helps her remove them.

“Thanks Kar.” Emma says gratefully while Kara places them in a small pot by Emma’s bed. Emma turns her head looking at Eliza, who holds her hand again. “Hey Mom.” Emma has wanted her Mom terribly but due to Eliza’s work she couldn’t get to her baby daughter quick enough. Something that has frustrated Eliza greatly.

“Hi baby girl.” Eliza stands and holds her daughter close. A sniff escapes the blonde until the damn breaks and she’s sobbing into her Mom’s arms. The feeling of safety and home overwhelming her.

“Sorry.” Emma chokes out, feeling embarrassed by her outburst.

“Oh Emma. It’s okay.” Her Mom says while kissing the top of her head.

“But it’s stupid.”

“No it isn’t. You’re in pain and very unwell. You’re allowed to cry.”

“Yea.” Alex stands and hugs Emma’s back. Kara reaches out and takes a hold of Emma’s hand. “We don’t think any less of you for crying Em.”

“Sorry to interrupt but I need to take Emma down.” A female intern stood in the doorway. Kara, Alex and Eliza pull away. Emma shoots Alex a look of panic and Alex motioned with her hand for Emma to take deep breaths. Which Emma copies, but she still looks terrified.

“Remember to keep your eyes closed and think of nice things.” Alex says encouragingly.

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.” Kara starts singing ‘My Favourite Things” from The Sound Of Music.

“Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.” Emma sings with a smile on her face. They both sing the next few lines to each other.

“Brown paper packages tied up with string. These are a few of my favourite things.”

Alex rolls her eyes but smiles at her two musical loving sisters.

The intern smiles too and steps forward making Emma focus on her. “And I just need to check your clothing for metal. Is that okay?”

Emma nods and the intern lifts the blanket and sheets back. Checking the holes and drawstring in Emma’s sweatpants. They pull the sheet and blanket up over Emma.

“Are you wearing a bra?”

“No.”

“Great! And your earrings are out.” The intern pulls the bars up either side of Emma and everyone moves out of the way. Emma looks at Alex again in a panic.

“You’ll be fine Em.” Alex reaches out and holds Emma’s hand.

“You can have someone come down with you. They won’t be in the room with you though.” The intern offers kindly.

Emma looks at Alex and bites her lip.

“Would you like me to come down with you?” Alex asks softly, smiling at how much Emma looks like the child she remembers from their youth. All wide eyed and scared.

Emma nods and Alex keeps a hold of her hand.

“We’ll be here when you get back.” Eliza kisses Emma’s forehead and holds her daughter close. Next Kara gives Emma a crushing hug. Trying to convey all her love in that moment.

“Can’t. Breathe.” Emma gasps out.

“Sorry!” Kara flies back causing Emma to laugh but reaches for her sister again, pulling her into another, more gentle hug.

“I’m sorry but we really have to go.” The intern disengages the break and starts pushing the trolley forward.

Kara lets go of Emma and stands with Eliza in the room. They watch Emma being wheeled out with Alex by her side.

“Al…” Emma says quietly as they wait in the elevator. Alex looks down at her and squeezes her hand.

“Yea?”

“I’m nervous.”

“It’s okay to be nervous Em. But you got this. The doctors need this scan to know the best way to perform the surgery.” Alex reaches up and strokes her thumb across Emma’s yellow cheek. “You remember all the breathing exercises I taught you?”

Emma nods. “But what if I freak out?”

“Honestly, Em, we don’t have time for you to freak out. You need this scan. Keep your mind busy with things you like and focus on your breathing. The machine will let you know when to hold your breath and all that.”

“Okay.” But Emma didn’t feel okay. If she was linked to a heart monitor she was sure it would be going haywire at the moment.

The elevator doors slide open and the intern wheels them to the MRI room. Emma is immediately intimated by the huge machine, and the small gap in its centre. The technician greets them and goes through everything with Emma and asks the usual questions “Are you pregnant?” Which earned a snort from Emma before confirming she wasn’t.

“Okay, so we are all ready for you. Can you stand and walk to the slab?”

“Yes.”

The intern lowers one side of the railing around the bed and Emma slowly lifts her legs over the side. Alex stands by her side, helping Emma get to her feet. Emma closes her eyes for a moment as the room spins around her. Causing Alex to hold onto her.

“Em?”

“M’okay.” Taking a deep breath she opens her eyes again, taking a few cautious steps with Alex holding onto her shoulders and walking with her. They reach the slab and Alex helps her sit down.

“Going to need you to take your glasses I’m afraid.”

“Okay.” Emma takes them off and hands them to Alex. Her sister leans down and hugs her.

“You’ll be fine.” Alex says reassuringly and places a kiss on Emma’s cheek.

“Thanks Al.” Emma thinks she smiles at Alex, but she can no longer see Alex’s face. Just a blob of colour.

The voice of the technician is what she hears next.“Put these earbuds in, they will drown out most of the noise and you’ll hear when the machine instructs you to breathe and when to hold your breath.”

Emma holds out her hand and the ear buds are placed in it. Emma puts them in her ear and immediately the noises of the room dims. She then lies on the slab and the technician places a shield over her chest and lower body. She is strapped onto the slab and the technician gives her the thumbs up. Or what looks like the thumbs up.

“Ready?” A muffled voice calls out.

“Re-ready.”

The machine suddenly slides her in and she has no problem seeing the top right in front of her face. For a split second panic floods through Emma and she feels like she’s in a coffin. But Emma immediately closes her eyes and focuses on her breathing.

After a while Emma starts imagining she is on a plane. The hum of the machine being similar to that of a plane. The cold air being pumped around her, reminding her of the air con on a plane. How Emma always needs to wrap up and take a blanket with her. The feeling of being squished into the machine, just like being squished in a small seat on a plane.

She pictures herself sitting next to Lena, on their way to Paris or Rome or Athens. Places Emma is desperate to visit one day.

“When you hear the beep, take a deep breath and hold for 15 seconds until you hear the next beep.” An automated voice calls out. Emma follows the instructions and holds her breath and releases when she hears the beeps. This continues for some time. Emma starts getting annoyed every time the automated voice interrupts her day dream of being in a city with Lena. Like visiting the Eiffel Tower or the Colosseum. All the different foods they could try.

Finally Emma feels the machine sliding her out.

“Well done! You’re a very good breather!” The technician jokes causing Emma to snort.

“Well that's good… I guess.” Emma says while the technician unstraps her and removes the shields.

“Here.” Alex says while holding out her glasses.

Emma takes them and puts them on. She looks up at her sister who smiles brightly at her.

“Told you you could do it!”

Emma smiles back at her before slowly sitting up. Alex helps her to her feet again and they walk to the gurney.

“One of our top guys is looking over the scans now, they should let your surgeon know ASAP.” The technician says kindly as the intern pulls the sides up again.

“Thank you.” Emma smiles at the and waves when she’s being wheeled out. “Please don’t make me do that for a long time.”

“I promise.” Alex says while taking a hold of her sister’s hand. “How are you feeling?”

“Hungry.”

“Unfortunately you may not be able to eat. You will probably be nil by mouth until we know if your surgery will be today.” The intern interrupts.

Subconsciously Emma lowers her head and squeezes Alex’s hand tightly. Alex looks down at her sister, seeing how defeated Emma looks.

“Hey.” Scared yellow eyes look up at her. “You’ll be okay.”

Emma nods but remains quiet, lowering her head again as they make the way back to her room.

“Emma! How’d it go?” Kara’s cheerful voice makes Emma lookup as the gurney is put back in place.

“Was okay.” Emma softly says while Sarah installs the morphine drip.

“When you need pain relief just press this button.” Sarah says and Emma nods. Pressing the button immediately. The movement earlier had aggravated her pain.

A voice Emma didn’t expect spoke next. “Was it as bad as you thought?” Green eyes connect with Emma’s jaundice ones. A small smile breaks across Emma’s face.

“No. Though I didn’t shut my eyes quick enough when they slid me in. But I just imagined I was on a plane.”

“That’s a good way of describing it actually.” Eliza says while sitting next to Emma’s bed.

“And I don’t want to sound rude, but, Lee?” Emma’s gaze focuses back on her crush. “What are you doing here? I thought today you had back to back meetings.”

“I managed to do some rearranging. As it’s Friday many were happy to reschedule as it meant they could start their weekend sooner. And as it’s lunch time I brought everyone something.” Lena goes over to the coffee table and picks up the take away bags with Alex and Emma’s food in.

“Oh! I er…” Emma pale cheeks colour in a blush.

“She’s not allowed to eat anything at the moment.” Alex says as she takes the bag Lena holds out to her.

“Why not?!” Kara looks at her sister outraged.

“Incase I have surgery today.”

“Oh! I’m sorry Em.” Lena looks guiltily at the blonde, putting the bag containing Emma’s food back on the coffee table, out of Emma’s view. Though Emma knows Kara will likely be eating it soon anyway.

“Would you rather we ate somewhere else?” Emma notices Sam by the sofa, already eating her lunch. She quickly looks at everyone, almost laughing loudly at how conflicted Kara looks.

“No it’s fine.”

“Phew!” Kara starts eating again, in record time to make up for the few seconds she wasn’t eating.

“So where did you imagine you were flying too?” Sam asks to break up the silence.

“Either Paris, Rome or Athens.”

“Oo nice! Have you been there?” Sam asks with a bright smile.

Emma shakes her head. “No.”

“Maybe I can take you sometime?” Lena tilts her head at Emma and smiles at her.

“CanIcome?” Kara says with a mouth full of food.

“Kara!” Eliza scoffs.

“Was that in english?” Emma laughs loudly.

Kara swallows before trying again. “Sorry, I said, can I come?”

Alex wanted to kick her sister’s shin and shoot her a glare. Instead she looks at Sam who gently rolls her eyes. Alex smirks into her lunch.

“I’ll take you another time.” Lena smiles at her best friend. Secretly making a plan in her head of taking Emma on a week, maybe two week holiday to these cities. Maybe add a few more in that Emma would love.

“Aw okay.” Kara sighs heavily.

‘So oblivious!’ Alex thinks as she shakes her head slightly.

Suddenly a big yawn escapes Emma. “How am I so tired?” She rubs her face frustrated.

“Cause your body is going through a lot.” Alex says between mouthfuls. “Plus you haven’t been sleeping well. Not good quality sleep anyway.”

“Yea… What is that again?”

“You poor thing.” Kara reaches out and strokes Emma’s arm. Careful not to tug the wires attached to the morphine drip.

Emma smiles at her sister and feels her eyes growing heavy. She blinks, trying to keep sleep away as long as possible.

“Emma, sleep, it’s okay.” Her Mom stands and strokes Emma’s head.

“Lee’s here.” Emma says wearily. “Specially.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up Em.” Lena stands next to Eliza. She watches Emma’s yellow eyes slide close and open quickly before closing again repeating. Reaching out Lena takes Emma’s hand and rubs her thumb over it. “Sleep darling.”

Emma finally can’t fight it anymore and her eyes remain close.

#supergirl #supergirl tv #supergirl imagine #supergirl fanfic #supergirl baby danvers #supergirl fanfiction #lena luthor x baby danvers #alex danvers x baby danvers #kara danvers x baby danvers #lena luthor imagine #alex danvers imagine #kara danvers imagine #b!d #baby danvers

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once-upon-a-spemily · 7 years

Text

Heaven, I Want You

Summary: Spencer and her poor broken heart will never be over Emily. She’ll take her anyway she can get her, even if it’s behind closed towards and flying in the face of all Spencer knows to be right and wrong.

A/N: Lol I accidentally wrote angst. Also, disclaimer, this prominently features an extramarital affair.

There’s a dull ache in Spencer’s chest that she can’t shake. She’s standing by Alison’s side, wearing a dusty rose dress, the same one that Hanna and Aria are also wearing, while Alison and Emily wear white. Emily looks beautiful. Spencer can’t stop looking at her. She can only hope that the fact that she’s supposed to be facing Emily covers for her.

Emily’s so lovely it hurts, but it hurts more because Spencer knows that there are healing scratches on her back, and a hickey on her thigh that are less than a week old. Spencer can still taste Emily’s lips on her tongue.

Spencer feels marks on herself, too. Not her body. Branded in her mind.

Mistake.

That was what Emily had said.

Even now, the word threatened to scald Spencer’s skin and heart. She was a mistake.

She ignores the vows, lest she want to drive herself crazy, instead torturing herself by focusing on the curves of Emily’s mouth, the lines of her neck, the slope of her shoulders, the glint in her eye, the curl in her hair. Her hands clutch her flowers harder, sinking her teeth into her own lip since she can’t sink them into Emily’s.

They trade rings, and trade kisses, and Spencer feels like everything is in slow motion as she claps, smiling her Hastings-Tried-and-True fake smile, letting a few tears slip out, and dying inside as people assume she’s so happy and moved by her best friend’s wedding.

Just once, just as she’s turning away, does Emily look at Spencer. Spencer’s heart nearly catches in her throat. Her heart races, and her smile only grows. She feels manic. Then Emily’s looking elsewhere, hugging her mother, and Spencer comes back to reality.

She helps Alison with her dress, feeling dizzy, and follows them to the reception.

Hanna and Aria are crying, too, but they’re smiling for real. And as they cry, either Ezra or Caleb appears at their side, for them to lean on. Spencer lets out one, secret, sigh. She hoped it would alleviate the weight from her chest, but it doesn’t.

She practically blacks-out during her speech. Hanna tells her it was brilliant, and made her cry, and Emily and Alison blow kisses in her direction, but she honestly has no idea what she said.

“God, I wish I could write like you,” Hanna sighs. “What you said about Emily was beyond sweet, Spence.”

Spencer almost laughs. What does she say to that? Well, I’m in love with her? Probably not.

She has no idea how she makes it through the wedding.

She lives approximately six minutes and thirty two seconds away from Emily and Alison. Without traffic. She can walk there if need be.

It’s dangerous. It’s too much. It’s too close.

The idea of running into them getting groceries, or at the movies, or the bar, it’s stifling.

Spencer feels utterly foolish. She’s a grown woman. She’s got her own law practice. She’s got everything she’s always wanted.

Well, she doesn’t have the girl.

Three months into their marital bliss, Alison and Emily invite Spencer over for dinner.

“Sure! I’d love that,” she hears herself answer.

If she hadn’t learned to function on auto-pilot years ago, she would’ve been screwed.

She still kind of thinks she is. She just enlisted herself to suffer through dinner with Emily and Alison. Alone.

She shows up with two bottles of red wine and every intention to drink them by herself. Then she thinks about the fact that if she drank two bottles of wine, they’d likely make her stay in their guest room overnight. She’ll pace herself.

Spencer spends the first half of the evening stewing in her own misery and trying to hide it that she doesn’t even noticed something…off, until they’ve sat down to eat.

There’s a tension between the two. They seem like they’ve been arguing. They dance around the innocent questions Spencer asks.

Spencer doesn’t mention anything. Not until Emily is walking her to her car while Alison cleans up from dinner.

“Hey, Emily,” she says, and for the first time she feels like she’s speaking with her own voice. “Thanks for inviting me tonight. It meant a lot.”

Emily smiles. “Of course. I want things to be normal between us,” she says, and Spencer almost thinks she’s talking about their night together until Emily continues, “I don’t want any of our friendships to change now that I’m married.”

“Right,” Spencer says. And then, because she has always, always sided with Emily over Alison and always, always will, she adds, “If you ever want to talk, you know I’m good for it. Have a good night, Em.”

Two weeks later, Spencer opens her door to see Emily standing there. She blinks, wondering if it’s a mirage.

“Can I come in?”

Spencer nods, stepping aside and letting Emily in. She pretends her heart isn’t pounding a mile a minute.

“I don’t know why I’m here,” Emily admits. “It’s stupid. It’s stupid…because…because…”

“Because we slept together,” Spencer says as bluntly as possible, even though her tongue feels like fire as she says it. Emily winces, and then glares. It’s the dichotomy of Emily all in one fleeting second, and god, Spencer is head over heels for this woman.

“Like you said,” Spencer says hoarsely, “it was a mistake.”

The look on Emily’s face is unreadable at best. “Can we just…not talk about it? Or Alison? Or anything?”

Spencer raises her eyebrows and then nods, folding her arms over her chest. “Yeah, yeah we can do that. Whatever you need, Em.”

Part of Spencer is screaming that she should grow a spine and kick Emily out because it’s not fair that she should drown to keep Emily afloat.

Instead, she sits down on the couch next to Emily and lets her talk about work, and the weather, and Hanna, and anything she needs to talk about as she talks around whatever her problems really are.

Emily comes back the next week. And the week after that.

It’s that third time, long into the night, when the lights are low and Emily’s voice is even lower, where they meet in the middle, exploding softly. Spencer pushes her hands into Emily’s hair and Emily is the one pushing them forward up the stairs towards Spencer’s bed, still connected at the lips, not parting for longer than necessary to remove their clothes.

Spencer hates that she doesn’t feel guilty. She hates the ashamed look in Emily’s eyes the next morning even more.

It becomes a thing. Accidentally. Infrequently. But still very much a thing.

Spencer knows this kind of thing never ends well. Emily has never been one for affairs or cheating. Spencer has cheated on and been cheated on. She knows it only hurts everyone involved. She is a smart, rational, logical human being. But god, she’s a little broken, too. She knows she’d do anything, anything, to be with Emily even for a moment.

She’s weak, and she knows it.

Funny, she’d never thought of herself as weak before.

She’s bathing in self-loathing but, hey, that’s a Hastings Specialty, isn’t it?

Despite the bad feelings that come afterwards, when Spencer is with Emily she feels…god she feels like herself again. Powerful and dynamic and quick-witted. And she feels happy. Genuinely, achingly, happy. A kind of happiness that feels like a stranger, honestly.

She still gets invited to dinner parties at Alison and Emily’s. For every time Spencer and Emily have gotten together, Emily has never opened up about her and Alison’s marital issues, or whatever, more than a passing comment or two. But the more dinner parties Spencer goes to, the more she can see the cracks for herself.

It would be hard not to.

Alison can still cut Emily down with a single word or phrase. Emily has stopped standing up for herself. She bottles it up, and doesn’t say a thing, or becomes passive-aggressive. They’ve been married a year, and already, this is what it looks like.

Spencer feels like it’s only the tip of the iceberg. But Emily doesn’t talk about it.

“Hey, I was just in the neighborhood and thought you might want some lunch,” Emily says, looking too good standing in Spencer’s office door. “I know you usually get too busy to eat.”

She steps further into the room, setting the salad down on Spencer’s desk. Spencer sets down her pen, and looks at Emily. She smiles, standing up.

“Thanks, Em.”

Emily shrugs. “No problem.”

She turns to leave and Spencer gets up from behind her desk, half-jogging to catch Emily before she steps out of the door, settling her hands on Emily’s hips and pulling her close.

“Hey, stay a while,” she says, and god, for a second this feels like another world. Another life. It feels so right, and so near that Spencer’s heart nearly breaks from how deeply she’s feeling.

Emily smiles, “I can’t, Spence, I’ve got places to be.”

“Please? For me?”

With a roll of her eyes, Emily sits down. They share the salad, and talk a little, until work overtakes Spencer. Then Emily just sits there quietly, watching Spencer work. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, or vast, and for a minute Spencer doesn’t remember life being any different than this.

Then Emily’s phone rings, and she says it’s Alison and her wedding band is cold against Spencer’s hand as they say goodbye.

This is not her life. It will never be her life.

“Stay.”

Spencer doesn’t mean to say the word out loud. Emily is starting to untangle their bodies, and Spencer shivers as her body heat leaves. She’s got a thin layer of sweat on her skin, and the cold air hits it as soon as Emily is sitting up.

“Spencer…”

She hesitates, and then leans forward, kissing her. Spencer tugs on Emily’s lip gently with her teeth, and feels a pang when Emily has to pull away.

“Alison won’t notice if you’re late.”

“Yeah, she will.”

Spencer sighs, rolling onto her back. “You’re right. And I don’t want her holding that over her head.”

Emily frowns, buttoning up her shirt. “She doesn’t do that.”

“Yes, she does.”

Emily looks mad. Actually mad. They just got finished screwing each other, Emily came to her pissed off about something Alison did, and now she’s mad and defending her. Spencer feels like she’s fallen into the Upside Down or some shit.

How is it even possible that despite everything, Emily will still choose Alison over her? Every damn time.

Is there something wrong with her?

There’s an arc to this relationship, Spencer realizes, and they’re on the downward turn, now.

She knows this because even though she’s happy when she’s with Emily, she’s also in pain. See the thing is, even though in so many ways, just being with her at all is enough, there is a growing undercurrent.

A malicious chorus of you’re not enough. You’re second best. You will never be her first choice.

She. Does. Not. Love. You.

And when that chorus first started, Spencer could push it away. Ignore it. But now, each time they’re together, or each time they run into each other, it gets louder. And louder. And it’s eating away at Spencer slowly.

She kind of feels like she’s going insane.

She also knows that she’s not strong enough to stop it. She just has to swallow it down.

Emily takes a call from Alison. While she and Spencer are in the middle of having sex. She pads out of the bedroom, raking her fingers through her sex-hair and Spencer sits up on the bed, pulling her knees against her chest.

She doesn’t know whether she’s angry, or sad.

She feels pathetic.

It jars her enough that when Emily comes back, before she can feel guilty and leave, or forget about it and start back up again, Spencer speaks first, “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

“I can’t be your secret,” she rasps, voice sore from tears she can’t cry. “It hurts too much. I’m happy when I’m with you, Emily, but it’s like opening a wound every time I do. I-I need to learn to move on. I can’t be in love with you anymore.”

Emily doesn’t say anything for a moment.

Then, silently, she puts on her clothes and leaves.

Spencer expects the closing door to shatter her already tattered heart, but all she feels is relief. She sprawls on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and feels the weight lifted off of her chest for the first time in months.

She can breathe.

She travels. She works. She doesn’t see Emily or Alison for four months, miraculously. She spends a lot of those four months trying to piece her heart back together. It’s hard, because the wounds are years old, but she can try. Really, it’s the only option she has.

Spencer makes good progress. She feels almost like herself again. This strong, ballsy Hastings woman who can conquer the world.

And then…and then she runs into them at a grocery store of all places.

Maybe it’s the unexpected nature of the run-in, or the mundaneness of it all, that knocks Spencer off of her feet.

“Spencer! It’s been so long,” Alison smiles. “You tired of dinner with us?”

Spencer forces a laugh, and it seems to reverberate throughout her, and her fragile heart can’t stand up to the soundwaves. Those little pieces, haphazardly and tenderly taped together fall right back apart.

“Just busy. Being the boss takes a lot of work,” Spencer says, and she kinds of hates herself for it.

“We miss you around the house,” Emily adds and what the fuck does that mean? Is she just being friendly? Putting on a show? Is there a subliminal message in there?

“What, is it too quiet without me?”

They make small talk for a few minutes more, and then they say goodbye, walking away with their arms linked and Spencer makes a beeline to the coffee ice cream.

See the thing is, it all goes back to that wedding.

Well, it goes back farther than that. To the days where Spencer was falling in love, and the night they slept together and the night Emily branded their tryst a mistake and decided to marry Alison anyway but, to Spencer, it all goes back to the wedding.

Because all of the hurt and pain before that seem like nothing compared to the heartbreak of seeing the person she loves marry someone else. To Alison, no less.

Emily shows up crying at her door one night and Spencer doesn’t have the strength to turn her away. They sit on the couch, Emily curled up in Spencer’s arms, leaning against her like Spencer is the one solid thing.

Spencer doesn’t know what Alison did but she hates her for it.

They don’t have sex. They don’t even try. Spencer kisses the crown of Emily’s head, gently wipes away her tears and offers her the guest bed.

“Thank you, Spencer.”

Spencer nods. She feels wrung dry. She has no more words to give.

“I’m sorry,” Emily says, and Spencer is, well, dumbfounded. “I haven’t been fair to you.”

It is a realization come months too late, and at a terrible time, and it really means nothing so long as there is a ring on her finger, but to Spencer, it does mean something. She feels vindicated. She feels…better.

She really doesn’t know what to say now. So she simply says, “I love you. Always will.”

Emily blinks, and Spencer turns around, going to bed.

There is another life where Spencer and Emily got together. For real. Where they were the ones who exchanged vows. Where they went grocery shopping, and Emily brought Spencer lunch, and their kisses weren’t behind closed doors. Where Spencer didn’t feel pathetic, or used, or broken. Where Emily didn’t feel guilty, or ashamed.

Sometimes, Spencer aches with the knowledge that her life is not that life.

She wonders if she’ll ever not be in love with Emily. If they will ever stop gravitating towards one another, if this life will be kind to them and let them be.

And then, at the end of the day, when she’s in bed, trying to sort through her too-busy mind, she comes to the same conclusion, over and over again.

No. But at least in this life, she gets to have Emily at all.

#spemily #spencer hastings #emily fields #pll #here have some angst and melodrama #seriously how did this happen??#heaven I want you

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swan-archive · 7 years

Text

Okay so I said I wasn’t gonna do this but I have been REINVORGATED and REJUCINATED by the Oak boot of “Dust and Ashes” so here you go, more rambling than you require about the cast recordings of Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812. Sorry, y’all.

Blease to keep in mind that these are all just, like, my opinions, man.

First off: not to be all I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN WE ARE NOT ABOUT HAMILTON? but I really do wonder how many of my issues with Comet’s obcr can be traced back to Hamilton’s cast recording...

So, as we all know, Lin took pains to make Hamilton’s cast album sound as much like a hip-hop record as he could. This is there in the way the songs are composed and performed, and it’s very much there in the production—Questlove and Black Thought were co-producers on the album, along with Lin, Lac, and Bill Sherman.

Now, when I think of big-name modern rap and hip-hop records, I think high production value. At their best, you should be getting an incredibly well-crafted, slick, cohesive sound, vocals married to instrumentation and beats in a way that just works whether you’re listening track-by-track or to the whole album start to finish. And, most importantly, the work that goes into achieving that sound shouldn’t be audible. You should be able to listen to something like Lemonade or Coloring Book or My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy without getting tangled up in “oh, interesting eq going on there” or “what’s going on with that delay?” at first pass. Just let it be about the music.

This worked for Hamilton. It doesn’t work so well for Comet.

And, I mean, they tried. They worked very hard to polish things up, to make a Studio Album that stands by itself, bless ‘em, but honestly, I just wish they’d let the music speak for itself a bit more, just let it be a recording of a very good Broadway show. Because on Comet, that sort of tight-ship production value just reads as...overproduced. And it makes it a less enjoyable listening experience.

Now, music producers wear a hell of a lot of hats, so “overproduced” can mean a lot of different things. With this album, it takes the form of stuff sounding TOO clean, overpolished to the point of sounding artificial, and artificial is not a thing you want in a vocal sound in a genre based around showcasing, well, vocals. It’s mostly little things that I noticed, not anything that would ruin an album, but just things that might turn your head and make you go, “huh, that didn’t sound quite right.”

For example, I noticed a different treatment on certain phrase deliveries, exemplified by Grace McLean’s bit from “In My House” where she sings “Why didn’t he come to the house? / Why didn’t he openly ask for your hand?” as well as Amber Gray’s “Charmante, charmante” from (obviously) “Charming.” Both of these phrases end with a little descent that, on the ocr, sounds more like an interpretive/ornamental bit than anything; a sort of natural falling-off of the line that comes from an emotional rather than a technical place. On the obcr, both of these ornaments persist, but are “tidied up” for lack of a better phrase—both actors deliver them with significantly more weight, taking care to strike specific pitches. And it...well, in my opinion, it doesn’t work as well. It sounds like someone circled the bit in the music and went, “okay, let’s make those ornaments INTENTIONAL,” which removes the the charm of the unstudied voice and makes the part sound rehearsed.

At other times, they go too far in the opposite direction, pushing on the bounds of the written music in a way that simply doesn’t read on a recording like this one. I’m thinking in particular of Lucas Steele’s long notes at the beginning of “The Abduction” and at the end of “Pierre and Anatole.” Now, I’m not saying the album shouldn’t show off Steele’s vocal prowess; he’s an unbelievably talented singer, and he can do some Real Shit with his voice that is frankly terrifying and everyone should fear and respect him. What I AM saying is that a recording is a different format in which to hear those notes, as opposed to a live performance. When you’re there in the Imperial Theater, watching Steele sit on a C#5 for 45 consecutive seconds like it’s his fucking job (which...I guess it is), you can tell by dint of BEING THERE that there’s no artifice, just a skilled singer and his throat and his voice. And that’s part of the beauty of it, that you can watch it happen in real time and marvel at it. When you’re listening to a neat studio recording, on the other hand, there’s that level of abstraction, of knowing that between the note coming out and hitting your ears there’s been work done on it. And maybe Steele did actually hold it out that long in-studio (he probably did. The man isn’t human, I fucking swear), but you can’t know that. Cross-fades are a thing, and it is a fairly trivial task to knit together two long notes to make one biiiiiiiig long note, especially with a clear pure tone like Steele’s voice has. So it ends up sounding self-indulgent and gimmicky. Look how long we made this note. Such high. Very edits. Wow. Please clap. Lin got it when he said there’s some stuff that should stay unique and exclusive to the live performances, and these virtuoso showings definitely fall under that heading. Hint at ‘em on the recording, but their proper home is on the stage, in the theater.

(I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN WE ARE NOT ABOUT HAMILTON!)

All that said: Comet has a very complex, group-oriented score, and everything I’ve been pointing out so far is fairly nitpicky. It’s subtle artistry stuff that will, by its nature, get lost when there is a lot going on, which there frequently is. Not to mention the score features long recitative-style sections, where the actors will deliberately use a more speech-like singing style to deliver exchanges between characters, quick exposition, etc. which does a lot to counter the “getting too technical and shoegazey” thing. People know what speech is meant to sound like! If you stray too far from that, you’ll undermine your listeners’ comprehension, as well as the whole uh...ACTING part of the PLAY. Which is important.

However, the whole play isn’t like this. You do have solo arias—broadly, major pauses in the action to expound on a single character’s emotional state. I’m thinking of three songs from Comet in particular: “Dust and Ashes,” “Sonya Alone,” and “No One Else,” standout showstopper numbers that are meant to drag the tears out of everyone in the audience. (Don’t worry, I love crying. It’s my favorite thing, next to dying and being dead.) Overall, these three songs are more delicately orchestrated, in order to showcase the unique voices of the soloists. Which would be great, if, you know, they’d managed to consistently mix the songs in a way that showcased the unique voices of the soloists! Fuck!

(“Charming” technically fits this mold as well. However, I would argue that it has more of a narrative action, i.e. showing Hélène’s beguilement of Natasha, not to mention that it is musically a very different song from any of the other ones I’ve listed above, faster-paced and with a more active accompaniment, which covers things that might otherwise give pause. Even so you can hear a few off-kilter things in it, as outlined above.)

“Dust and Ashes” (and to a lesser extent, “Pierre”) are difficult to compare between albums—obviously, because there’s no studio recording of the former (@DAVE! PLEASE SAVE MY LIFE), and because Dave Malloy and Josh Groban have such radically different voices. Let’s be very clear, I am not dunking on Groban’s prowess as a vocalist; there’s no question in my mind (and shouldn’t be any in yours) that, in terms of technical skill, he has a better voice than Dave in every way. To my ear, though, Groban’s recordings of Pierre’s songs sound almost unpleasantly slick, which I would guess is what you get when overproduced hypercleanliness meets vocal control that could knock an apple off someone’s head at forty paces without batting an eyelid. Especially next to the raw, almost painfully sincere delivery of Malloy’s versions, Groban’s sound sanitized, lacking in sincere emotion, just a string of notes with a vibrato as wide as a barn. It’s very disappointing, and makes me regret not watching the Groban boot all the way through for a better idea of how his Pierre comes across onstage.

“Sonya Alone,” luckily, manages to escape overproduction for several reasons. First off, it’s performed by Brittain Ashford on both albums, which presumably gave the production team a model for how to showcase her voice on the obcr. Secondly, the way the song was written and performed naturally resists this sort of treatment. It doesn’t have a virtuosic range—nearly the whole thing sits within less than an octave, and the one high belt note just kind of gets tapped briefly before settling back down. Hence, the emotional beats in it are a matter of performance, rather than technical prowess, and cleaning up too much of the natural wobble and waver of the voice in that range would make it sound absolutely lifeless and boring. Ashford also has that unusual, striking dark tone to her voice, which can already sound like an affectation to the first-time listener; placing too many effects on it would only exacerbate that. Hence, a reprieve. We get to enjoy Brittain Ashford’s voice showcased as it is. Nice.

Which leaves us with “No One Else.”

Oh, you guys.

You guys, I love “No One Else.” I think it is the second most perfect song Dave Malloy has ever written, only missing out on the top spot because he also wrote the ear worm from hell. It is PEAK F major aesthetic in every way. It is such a gorgeous, wistful, romantic piece, and couldn’t have hit more of my buttons even if Dave Malloy had literally come into my home and said, “hey, Swan, I’m trying to write a song that will knock you, specifically, on your ass, wanna give me some pointers so that I can more efficiently Kill you?” It is so good.

And this recording of it did Denée Benton SO. DIRTY.

Benton’s Natasha is necessarily a bit different than Phillipa Soo’s Natasha. Soo has a somewhat weightier voice than Benton, so her interpretation of the character seems to lean more on her vitality and spirit, whereas Benton reads as a very young Natasha, naïve but deeply good. (Margaux @likeniobe, I’m pretty sure it was you who pointed this out to me, thanks, you’re the real mvp.) I think both of these are perfectly valid character interpretations of Natasha as she appears in this adaptation, and based on what I’ve seen of the bootleg, Benton’s Natasha is lovely to watch onstage.

...However. The thing about that interpretation is that it requires a good bit of subtlety in order to come across as compelling and not saccharine. This reads onstage, but on this recording, very sadly, it kind of flops. Again, this strikes me as the fault of hewing too close to the written music, and ironing out too many of the natural kinks in a voice. Benton performs this song very delicately, with a light touch regarding theatricality; when overworked, this gives it an almost Disney princess-y feel, all fluff, no substance. It’s not as moving, it simply doesn’t do justice to Benton’s interpretation, and I’m mad about it.

There are also some technical...I wouldn’t call them errors, I guess, but interpretive things in this recording that just seem like sloppy mixing. The first one comes right on Benton’s first line, that beautiful fifth leap that sets up the airy space of the song as a whole. There’s reverb on her voice to mimic the atmosphere of hearing the song in a theater, but for some reason they don’t even give it time to fully die away before launching her into the first verse, and as a result she sounds rushed. This could work with a different vocal interpretation, but Benton performs the opening of this song with a very dreamy, mysterious approach (contrast Soo, who takes it more stridently), so it just comes off as sloppy and badly-paced.

Then, at the end of the song (and bear with me, folks, I’m about to get VERY nitpicky), Benton sings that wonderful ascending “you and I / you and I / you and I,” showing off her higher range and building suspense before the surprisingly tender and introspective ending of the song. Since she is singing high notes, an engineer mixing the song would most likely apply some compression to her voice to keep it sitting in the appropriate place in the mix, and to prevent the signal from clipping. I’m not gonna get into a super in-depth discussion of compression here, but in short it’s an effect that reduces the dynamic range (“loudness”) of a signal when it passes a designated threshold frequency, thus allowing you to get a more consistent dynamic range throughout, so your pianos aren’t inaudible and your fortes aren’t blowing out your speakers.

...It’s more complicated than that. Whatever. Don’t @ me.

Anyway, the way what I assume is compression has been applied to Benton’s vocal here sounds VERY sloppy in comparison to how Soo’s was treated on the ocr. A cool thing about many types of compressors is that you can control exactly how fast the compression kicks in, smoothing out the level changes so that you don’t have a track that’s pulsating wildly in dynamic range. Here, as Benton reaches each held note, her vocal ducks audibly before coming back up. This effect is audible in Soo’s recording of the song, but it’s MUCH more subtle and naturalistic, serving a technical purpose without distracting from the artistry of the song. So...either this was some very spotty compression work, or like, the engineer just went into the volume for her track and manually ducked it and brought it back up? I don’t know, but whatever it was, I don’t like it.

Now, in the end, Dave Malloy signed off on this album, and as long as he’s happy with it, that’s all that really matters. As an engineer, you’re (for the most part) there to bring your client’s vision to life, and if they like the product you put in front of them at the end of the day, then you’ve done your job. And there’s a huge chance that I’m just being all IT’S DIFFERENT SO IT SUCKS, given that I’m very sensitive to small differences in versions of a song.

But still. Still.

Denée, sweetie, you deserved better than this.

#swan talks #............at great length #more appropriately: swan is a nitpicky bitch about stuff probably no one notices anyway! fuck!#the great comet of 1812 for ts

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mitchbeck · 5 years

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CANTLON: BRAD

BY: Gerry Cantlon, Howlings SPRINGFIELD, MA - Shooter is where he deserves to be - The AHL Hall of Fame. For Brad “Shooter” Smyth, with his family and friends on hand, got to bask in the glow of the game he has loved so much. “It feels awesome to go to the Hall of Fame with all of these talented gentlemen, and especially to be recognized so early in my retirement. I’m just five years removed from my last game, and to get this honor so early into it, is very, very special for me, and for my family to enjoy it with me,” Smyth stated. His brother Greg Smyth, flew in from Hong Kong for the event. His wife Jackie was also in attendance. He called her his ultimate teammate when he paid her with a warm, sincere moment of thanks toward the end of his acceptance speech. “I love you very much. You stuck with me all these years bouncing around from place to place, I was kind of a human suitcase. Your positivity and sense of humor made it all worthwhile. I love you.” Smyth, known for his ebullience, confidence, and swagger, had his moments of doubt while he was with the Birmingham Bulls of the ECHL during the infancy of his career in pro hockey back in the early 90s. “Everyone has doubts as you strive to get to that next level. At the time, the Coast (ECHL) wasn’t comparable to the American Hockey League. A place like Birmingham was where you worked hard to earn that promotion to the next level and work on all aspects of your game. Once I got to the AHL, I never looked back.” In his first three AHL games in Springfield with the Falcons, a Connecticut connection helped him start his path to the top of the AHL mountain. The assistant coach with the Falcons that year was a former Hartford Whaler and a 50 goal scorer in the NHL twice, Blaine “Stash” Stoughton. “It was brief, but I really learned from him about the importance of the release of a shot, as well as, the strength of a shot.” He got his first big AHL break, with the expansion in Greensboro, NC of the Carolina Monarchs in 1995. That signing turned out to be a very sound decision. “I had a very good coach in Rich Kromm, and he knew my skill set and put me on a line with a super-skilled Gilbert Dionne and a great passer in Brett Harkins. I benefitted playing with those guys as a right-handed shot. I just loved standing in the slot. Our powerplay was lethal that year.” Smyth would score 68 goals in 68 games. He's the only player ever to have come so close to challenging the AHL record for goals in a season that is held by Stephan Lebeau when he scored 70 back in 1988-89 with the Sherbrooke Canadiens. Smyth is arguably the greatest Wolf Pack player ever, with a team-best 182 goals and 365 points through three tours of duty in Hartford. His time here made him grow fonder of the team, the players and the city. “I played a little in Hartford,“ Smyth said with a deadpanned, warm, wry smile, “We were a very close group and back then you spent more time with teammates as there wasn’t nearly the movement we have today. Then, you got to know people on-and-off the ice and the on-ice factor you got to know a person’s characteristics. We were a team that was built to win. Many guys like myself were signed to come to Hartford for that (express) purpose. To put all those pieces together, we had not a good coach - a great coach - in John Paddock. He knew how to push us and use all our skills combined to make a solid team. That’s why we won a title." Paddock was someone he truly admired. “John always knew the way to motivate players and teams. One way was that he would cut your ice time,” Smyth said with some levity in his voice. “It was because he was demanding of you in order to get results, and in the same way, he gave you room to be yourself and created that all within a team framework. He was a tremendous coach and its an honor to be with him here as part of the AHL Hall of Fame.” Smyth regaled the crowd with a Paddock story whom he followed to Binghamton and eventually got to play for in his hometown with the Ottawa Senators. “The veteran guys there some weren’t so happy with our ice time, and I was one of them. So, we're in Newfoundland and the other veterans said, 'You played with him for a few years, you go ask him.' So, John is scouting the morning skate. He's writing down line combinations and never took his eyes from what he was doing. So, I said to him, 'John, I want to ask you about something.' So, I let him know a few of the guys understand it’s a younger development team, but we're hoping we could get a few more minutes (of ice time).' John goes, 'I’m glad you brought that up.' Well, the first player was our tough guy. He says he's taking too many selfish penalties lately. The second guy we picked up on a PTO deal, and he had one goal and one assist in 18 games. Since you got back from Ottawa, you're not scoring at the same clip you were before, so does that answer any of your questions? We're done here.'" The packed house roared with laughter, but Shooter was not done yet. “So, I run out into the cold of Newfoundland, and the guys ask me, 'How did it go?' So, I told them. I said, 'The next time you want to ask him something, do it yourselves!' That was vintage John, he held every player accountable. There was no hiding in the lineup. That’s the way it ought to be.” Smyth gave a warm tribute to the Wolf Pack teams he played on. “We had the undeniable skill of Marc Savard, the leadership of Ken Gernander, and the competitiveness of Brent Thompson. We had all the elements, the fans, and the electricity (in Hartford). It was tough (for the fans) when the Whalers left, but we tried to provide the energy for the fans.” Two players from the Calder Cup team stood out for him. The first was goalie J.F. Labbe, who was the first of the four members of that Wolf Pack championship team to be enshrined in the AHL Hall of Fame. “I believe he was the driving force that led us to the 2000 Calder Cup championship. He was the definition of a big game goalie. I loved playing with him. Thanks, JF.” Smyth then paid homage to his lifelong friend, Derek Armstrong, who's now 3,000 miles away in LA. The pair started out as two high school age kids who were playing hockey in Ontario - their on-and-off ice chemistry was as genuine as you can find in pro sports. It was a true give-and-take friendship. “Derek Armstrong was special. The reason I got to talk about him is if I didn’t, he wouldn’t talk to me (anymore),” Smyth said with a laugh. “We're pretty tight on-and-off the ice. I loved playing with Army. His puck carrying skills, and savvy were second to none. The passion for the game, which I shared with him, was infectious.” Smyth ended it with a simple refrain, “Thanks for passing me the puck, Army.” You could almost hear Armstrong’s trademark gravely, voice saying, “Ha” as it bounced off the hills of Los Angeles making it's way to Springfield. Smyth ended his career playing for Armstrong, who was then the head coach for the now defunct Central Hockey League's Denver Cutthroats, The two were a coaching tandem there the following season before the team and league ceased operations. Smyth thanked his parents for all their dedication of driving him to every rink as a kid and helping him develop as a human being. He also thanked his brother Greg, who he attributes him as the kid-brother who got him started playing hockey. After the crowd had left, after he was signing some of the last autograph seekers at the Aria ballroom at the MGM Springfield, Shooter still had one more funny story to tell. “My brother Greg's name is the same spelling as a guy I played against. We're in St. John’s playing the Maple Leafs and Greg Smyth, who had a few penalty minutes in his career (1,970 to be exact) and he was nearing the end of his run there. We're on the ice at a faceoff and he looks over at me, skates past me and says, 'Good thing you spell your last name right, or I’d knock your head off.' I looked at him and was totally stunned. Nobody before or since had ever said that to me.“ Smyth was on the road well-traveled. From his days in London, Ontario, to Greensboro, NC, to Binghamton, NY, to Manchester, NH and Hartford with NHL stops in Florida, in New York with the Rangers and then in Ottawa. Brad Smyth has become an important piece of a quilt that has been knitted in the AHL fabric, and it now has a nice swatch with the name Shooter forever emblazoned on it for all to see. Photo by Gerry Cantlon Read the full article

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thotyssey · 7 years

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On Point With: Sherry Vine

She’s been a top New York City nightlife performer since the 1990′s, and one of a handful from that era to remain at the absolute top of her game. As one of the genre’s most prolific creators of song and video parodies, she’s worked with pretty much everyone in the biz (and major stars beyond), and has created tons of hilarious media over the years--she even produces her own online channel now, with constantly-added content. And she’s the rare queen who sings her own parodies live every week! In the years before “RuPaul’s Drag Race” made a million drag stars, she paved the way for queens to get their name and talent out there for the globe to behold. Thotyssey is honored to chat with this New York City Queen of Everything, Miss Sherry VIne!

Thotyssey: Hi Sherry, what an honor to speak to you, and Happy New Year! What were you doing while the ball dropped?

Sherry Vine: I was DJing and performing at Indochine, and did the countdown there. I’ve worked there about five times on NYE and it’s always the best time!

You were quite busy with your YouTube network SVTV this holiday season, posting a new song/video parody for each of the eight days of days of Hanukah! If I had to pick a favorite, it would be “Jappy.” Amazing! How long ago did you start writing, recording and filming those? It must’ve taken forever!

I love that you love “Jappy!” Well, I wanted to do it last year, but started too late. So I started recording the songs in early 2016, and we shot the first video in September. I knew it would be a lot of work, but had no idea how much--it was quite ambitious! But I am so proud of it. Not patting myself on the back, but we just pulled off a large feat with soooo many people working on it, for free. I think it’s an epic art project [laughs]!

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As the reigning queen of song parodies, what is your usual process? “I want to parody this song,” or “I have this funny idea, what song works best with it?” Or something else?

Totally all of the above. If there’s a big hit, sometimes I force myself to write a parody of it--which can be more time-consuming. As opposed to having an idea for a song that just pops into my head: these I usually can write very quickly. Or sometimes people give me ideas, and I run with it.

I used to spend so much time trying to stay current, but how many Taylor Swift parodies can a queen do? So lately I’ve been finding classics that everyone knows and doing parodies. Like “Hallelujah” or “Grindr Queen.”

Parody is generally protected as free speech, but now we live in the world of the Intellectual Property Hair Trigger, especially online and especially on YouTube. Do you get grief from record labels--or YouTube itself--when you post the videos sometimes?

OMG yes, I used to. I spent a year fighting Sony because they were making YouTube take down my Gaga videos! It was so frustrating and annoying, because the Fair Act law clearly states it’s allowed for internet use. I had a lawyer, an angel who was working with me for free, who really saved the day. But it was a full year of them removing my videos. Finally, Sony met with us and signed me as one of the first video artists l[laughs]! They said it was too much to police all of YouTube, so now they have deals.

Pretty much every damn queen is doing video parodies now, but you and your girl Jackie Beat were pioneers of this—and still the masters. Are you okay with this girth of parodies, or do you wish some queens would step off and do something different?

Well, I certainly didn’t invent the art form! Jackie is the master, hands down!

The only part I have a problem with is when some young queen thinks they are brilliant for coming up with an idea that anyone can come up with, and then they accuse me of stealing their idea. I’m like, “Girl, it doesn’t take a genius to get to ‘Hole of Glory’ from ‘Edge of ‘Glory!’” I know I don’t steal ideas, and I have enough confidence to just do my thing.

I’m not threatened by other queens doing parodies, and when there’s one I love I’m the first to reach out and say “congrats” or “let’s do one together!” I’ve worked with many queens I admire and respect.

You’ve been a beloved entertainer in NYC nightlife for a while now, but you’re a Florida native raised in the Baltimore area. I understand that you missed the Divine / John Waters era when you were going out there. What was cute in Baltimore when you were exploring that scene?

Contrary to popular belief, I am too young to have been a part of the Divine scene in Baltimore [laughs]. But B’more was really fun in the 1980’s. I was so into the New Wave club scene, and saw every one-hit band you can name.

I wasn’t into the drag scene then--it was very pageant, which is great, but wasn’t my interest at the time.

You studied acting at USC MFA program under the great Anna Deavere Smith, pre-Sherry. What was the most important thing you learned from her?

We were pretty close then, and I was her assistant on one show there. She pulled me aside one day and said, “You will have a hard time in Hollywood, because you don’t fit any type. You need to carve out your own path; write or find writers to write for you, etc.” And that’s exactly what I did. I will always be thankful to her for that.

What were some of your early acting roles?

Oh Honey, I did everything! Lots of musicals. General Bullmoose in Lil Abner, Fiddler, about five productions of South Pacific. Then when I was cast as Harold in Harold and Maude at a theatre in downtown Baltimore, I really pursued dramatic and character acting. It was also in one of Anna’s classes that I did my first “ladies” role; a monologue from For Colored Girls… and that’s when that seed began to blossom.

I love the story about the “crack house” that you’re named after--can you explain to those not in the know?

[Laughs] I was just Sherry at first, performing in LA at various clubs with Jackie Beat as a broken down torch singer. Someone told me that there was an apartment building on Vine Street called the Sherry (actually the Shari) and I drove by and it totally looked like a crack house. Boom: name!

It was a pretty brave decision, I would think, to work as a drag queen in a pre-Drag Race world, when the job maybe wasn’t well understood by the generally homophobic public and there was even less job stability then there is now. Was it just about living in the moment and doing these great performances for you, or did you have like a long-term career plan?

I didn’t have a long-term plan at first. I was just having fun and exploring, but once I committed to the idea of doing Sherry Vine projects and stopped auditioning as Keith, things just bloomed. We had a theatre company, Theatre Couture, that was very popular in the 1990’s.

It was a bit harder before Drag Race, even before RuPaul became so famous. It could be quite scary! And there was a lot of drag-phobia in the gay “community.”

I’ve been lucky to travel all over the world: TV, films, YouTube, etc. Now there’s no Plan B, so it’s definitely long term!

When you arrived in New York it was huge clubs that ruled the day in the 90s--and amazing queens like you, Peppermint, Jackie Beat, Shequida, Vivacious, Dianne Brill and Sweetie were mixing it up with everyone. Did you feel a much more narrow gap between gay and straight nightlife at that time?

Oh yes! The club scene in NYC was so mixed and pansexual. Squeezebox was the best example. You had to leave all labels outside! It was queens, gays, queer, girls, trans, hot straight rocker boys--everyone just dancing and partying together. There’s nothing like that now.

You’ve worked and rubbed shoulders with so many amazing legends… OMG Madonna!

I know - blessed! Being onstage with Madonna was pretty cool. Singing with Debbie Harry was another OMG moment.

We’ve lost so many icons this year: David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, Pete Burns, Natalie Cole, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds… did you have any gigs or encounters with any of them?

I used to hang out with Pete Burns in the 1990’s - he came to Bar D’o a lot, and then we would all go to Jackie 60. We lost a lot of inspirations last year.

Tell us a little about Bar D’o. That was a pretty legendary venue where you performed famously with the likes of drag all-stars Raven-O and Joey Arias. You and Joey continue to perform at annual reunion shows for the bar at other venues (like Indochine in 2016). Can you describe what was so magical about the shows there?

I don’t know where to start. It was just a magical time in NYC nightlife. Bar D’o was another example of “mixed crowd.” One night, Meg Ryan was dancing on the sofa with a group of drag queens. Liv Tyler was there a lot. Almost any celeb you can name was probably there once. And the shenanigans in the bathrooms--shhhh! Raven and Joey are brilliant, and I learned so much from working with them. Family!

Of all the many countries and cities you performed in aside from NYC—and there are many—what’s your favorite?

I love going to places I never dreamed I would get to; like Estonia or Croatia. The people are so thrilled and excited that someone they have seen on YouTube is there. I mean they treat you like a rockstar [laughs]. I recently performed in Bucharest, and it was amazing. They just freaked out. And people were so kind and generous.

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I am a fangeek for the short-lived Queens of Drag: NYC web series which starred you, Peppermint, Bianca Del Rio and several others. It wasn’t too dishy like today’s reality TV (except maybe for Dallas and Logan’s segment), and I think it would’ve been great viewing to just watch you all live your lives and be real.

It was really fun making that, and I think we all thought it would get picked up. But it’s all about timing. And sadly, I do think people want train wrecks and “drama” when it comes to “reality TV”. But there was plenty of real drama that could have been explored if given a chance [laughs]!

And you were also a model in the famous pre-Drag Race drag episode of Project Runway, where Ru was a judge! How did you enjoy that experience?

That was such a fun two days! I wish they had footage of the dressing room. Twelve queens stuffed into one room--we were laughing and cackling all day. And Heidi and Tim were super sweet. A real blast!

Drag Race has done wonderful things for drag no doubt: exposure, opportunities, etc. But do you think the show promotes a “type” of drag over others excessively?

No, I think all types are presented on the show. And certainly, there have been winners that break the mold.

One aspect of it that many point out as a negative, though: drag queen saturation. There are just too many young queens and not enough places for them all to work, it seems! What’s your advice for a young queen today that wants staying power?

I’ve been doing this for 25 years, and I’ve been through several periods of what people referred to as “drag saturation.” Part of the challenge of being an entertainer is to stay relevant and fresh. If someone thinks drag is mainstream or homogenized, then turn up the volume!

My advice to young queens is always: don’t try to be someone else. Find the thing that makes you special, unique and stand out, and then exploit that to the max.

I loved seeing you honored with a special legacy award at the GLAMs in December. Was that an emotional moment for you, or just fun with the gals?

It’s always an honor to be recognized by your peers. I loved it. Some queens do take it was too seriously… but it’s great. There aren’t many occasions where everyone gets dolled up and goes out for free!

I loved how [hosts] Bob and Bianca were reading me and calling me old all night, but then Bianca’s introduction of me was sweet and sincere. I almost shed a tear--almost [laughs]!

Have you seen Hurricane Bianca yet, by the way?

Literally just watched it! I saw Not Today, Bianca last week and was cracking up. And Hurricane Bianca is soooo great. I was impressed. It’s funny, smart, touching, silly and the acting is fantastic. I loved seeing Roy act—he’s good! And I thought it looked good, which is hard on movies that don’t have millions of dollars. Matt Kugelman did an awesome job.

You’re gonna be delivering a video tribute to Sweetie for her birthday bash on January 13th. Do you remember when you first met her?

I first met Sweetie when she and Faux Pas were doing a show at Boy Bar. When I first moved here and started performing, they were the hot queens. We hit it off right away, and did many shows and projects together. She’s always been one of the absolute best lip sync artists ever! And she’s fucking funny as hell. She’s a hoot to hang out with.

As far as your weekly gigs today, one popular night of yours is Bipolar Tuesdays at Therapy, which you co-host with Peppermint. What do you think the key is to how well you two work together so well?

It’s funny, because we are so different... but for some reason it just works. We truly love each other and respect each other, so that’s a big part of it. I love that Peppermint will go anywhere--she never says no onstage. If I start scatting, she jumps right in. She’s funny, and a real sweetheart. I think people love the show because I’m dirty, she’s soulful and dances, and then together we are all of that. Plus, where else in NYC can you can see two live-singing queens?

By the way, your “Telephone” parody with Pep is probably my favorite overall video of yours. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in that! Did that stick out as being a particularly fun one to make?

It’s definitely one of my favorites also. I can’t watch most of my videos--once, and then they’re up, and that’s it. But “Telephone” I am proud of because it took two 18 hour days, a cast of 50, a team doing costumes, wigs, props, etc--all for free! I think as far as drag parody videos go, it’s pretty good.

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Do you ever have to really “sell” an idea of a video parody to other performers when you want them to appear in the videos, or are most of them like, “It’s Sherry, so I’m on board”?

Honey, I am blessed. I’m always surprised when someone says yes lol. I also will do anything for them and luckily most of the people I’ve asked to work together say yes.

Your other weekly show is a solo, Adult Content Wednesday nights at Industry. That’s where you do a lot of your song parodies live, play games, kvetch, etc. How fun and freeing is it to have this weekly gig where it’s just you doing your thing?

I stopped doing other weekly shows in NYC because I really wanted to focus on Adult Content. And Industry has been really supportive. I feel this way: if people want to see my dirty material and videos, they have to come there. And it’s very international--the audience is always full of people from all over the world. And I’m usually off Thursdays, so it’s my drinking night!

Let’s talk about “SVTV,” your YouTube channel which functions basically as an online TV network. We can find all of your parodies on there, and lots of other segments you do as well; plus features from other nightlife figures. It’s become a really ambitious enterprise, with programs ranging from Trade2Trade where Monet X Change and Kalle Westerling have sexyfun interviews with gogo boys and pornstars, to Know Your Gay-B-Cs which profiles historical nightlife legends. So, how much of your life is dedicated to managing the content of the channel?

Literally 90 percent. I’m not kidding. It’s all-consuming.That is absolutely not a complaint--I live for it, and I would die if I couldn’t create. It’s been a lot of work. My creative/business partner Josh Rosenzweig has also been working tirelessly. But we love it. I wish more people would watch stuff [laughs], but we are going to keep going. February 2017 will be one year!

There is something for everyone--so much content, and so many talented artists. It’s a dream come true, if your dream is to spend all your time and money on a project that pays nothing back [laughs]! But, yes, it is my dream. But where’s the money [laughs]!?

I’m sure you pick who participates on the channel very carefully, but has anyone really blown you away, like “OMGI had know idea that (s)he would be so good on camera?”

Busted. She has no idea how funny she is. There have been times when I can’t stop laughing, and that doesn’t happen often. I think Anita is brilliant, and of course Chris is a superstar. Also, Pickles: she’s outrageous, and I don’t know if she gets it!.

I love watching videos of you and Jackie Beat performing together. I also love The Golden Girls. And now I hate that I’m not in Los Angeles, because that’s where you and Jackie will be performing some drag reenactments of Golden Girls episodes (Jan. 11-15 at the Cavern Club Theater) along with Drew “Chloe Sevigny” Droege and Sam Pancake! You’re Blanche and Jackie’s Dorothy. Those must be the two Girls that all the queens fight over in these shows, right?

There was no fight or even discussion at all. Jackie and I wanted to do it and there was no question who was who. I think we asked Sam and Drew who they wanted to play. But I was born to be Blanche, and Bea Arthur is Jackie’s spirit animal.

You’re doing the one where little Mario Lopez gets deported. So timely! And I hope the actor has the jheri curls.

Mario Diaz always brings it!

On a more serious note, we’re looking at some pretty dark times, and lots of disenfranchised people (particularly in the LGBT world) are going to be very defensive and sensitive to the type of un-PC humor that you’ll usually see in a drag show. Should drag queens be accommodating this new sensitive era?

Fuck no! This is the time to push the boundaries. I have noticed already a change in the mood, but I’m determined to fight it--with humor.

What do you think that this presidential election result says about Americans today?

I am absolutely sick of talking about it [laughs]! Sorry! I have turned it off, but I’m ready to march when the time comes!

Another deathly serious question: what are you more looking forward to, Bette Midler in Hello Dolly, or Idina Menzel as Bette Midler in the Beaches remake?

Um--Bette in Hello Dolly!

Good call! Anything else to mention?

Please subscribe to Gaysvtvworld on my YouTube channel! It’s so important. And watch our shit, please!

Okay, last question: what is the very worst thing about being a drag queen for you, and what is the very best thing?

The very worst right now is the pain in my poor old feet [laughs]. Doctors told me years ago the day would come when I would pay for wearing 6-inch stilettos all the time, and that time is upon me.

But the best is, I still love drag as much today as I did when I started. I still have tons of things I want to do as Sherry: more theatre, more film, more YouTube, more music, more collaborations - more, more, more!

Never stop! We love you, Sherry!

Sherry Vine co-hosts “Bi-Polar Tuesdays” at Therapy with Peppermint (11pm) and hosts “Adult Content” at Industry on Wednesday nights (11pm). She produces original content for her YouTube channel on a near-daily basis, and can otherwise be followed on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Sherry also has a website.

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