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tamiddyinyourcity · 4 years

Text

6:35pm.

Finally have the stamina to type.

Tuesday, May 12th of 2020.

Life updates:

Feel bad for saying what I said to Cam. (And accidentally removed him from my followers. Oops! Eh, oh well.) A nice guy, but me really loathing getting my hopes up and then kinda dropped with no explanation over something stupid + him doing exactly that = yikes overall.

I accidentally tore paint off the wall tje other night. Imagine spending 3 hours detangling TONS and TONS of necklaces, and hanging them all neatly, color coordinated and organized on a scale from "butch/hippie noise music party" to "feminine/a fancy date", and lining them aaaaall against my walls next to my string lights.... just for ONE OF THEM TO CRASH DOWN ALL MY BRACELETS AND RINGS IN THE UNREACHABLE CREVICE BETWEEN MY BED AND THE WALL.

"It's no big deal, I should probably take these down and gently set them still organized in a box anyway. I can find a safer way to secure them anyway."

I take down two of the racks easily, the next two are simple.... aaaaand the third fucking rips bare paint and wood right off the wall.

The SAME "no cracks, no mess" """grip""" tape that made a rack fall twice???? as if it was scotch tape??? can suddenly rip off fucking plaster and wood from a fucking wall????

I literally got in the worlds worst mood after that. I keep forgetting that I am almost 20, so it's not like my mom is gonna bring out the belt or whatever, but yknow, I didn't want to get chewed out or thrown out of the house either.

Luckily, she treated it as if I said "oh oops, spilled a little water on the countertop as I was pouring it", and not "accidentally ripped a hunk of plaster out the fucking building". So, yay.

Been in a thick depression lately. Hard to get out of bed, focus, or look forward to anything. It's understandable. Insane loneliness, the awkwardness of having a good 1st date just to have a TERRIBLE unexplainably bad 2nd date, taking extremely long showers or washing my hair just to still sweat overnight or get frizzy crunchy hair just a day or two later.... Fuck, man.

Alright, now time for the GOOD positive things happening in my life currently:

Going natural for the time being. Holy SHIT, my roots feel good. Real good. The texture is sexy as fuckkkkk. Lord, my hair is so sexy that it could start an onlyfans. Thank god I'm born black. I get to feel my own scalp all fucking daaaay. The tiny coils and ringlets, the way they zigzag, curl, and twist around my fingers???? Worlds softest bush ever. I love my hair so damn much, god bless finally being the age where I can do it my own damn self. Whew, yes.

My mom surprised me with a trip to the beauty supply today. I got lip glosses, aaaaaaall and almost EVERY single product I wanted to use for myself, (aloe, grapeseed oil, that smellgood hair leave in conditioner i wanted for monthssssss,) and more. Soooo lovely. I can now not worry too hard about what works for my hair, and just indulge in the products that made things look perfect and grow ridiculously long and healthy in my junior year. (Before my hoe ass sister ripped out chunks of my hair when "practicing braids on me", with her stupid 3A hair texture ass not knowing shit about transition styles... fucking gosh, it's really hard not to use the w-word with full intent as I write this. She's just a bitch, you know? But anyways....)

Also, my sister and her girlfriend broke up recently. That's sad to me. I really thought her GF was great. Buuuut lo and behold, a cheater.... how disgusting. (It also makes me think about my ex again, which isn't cool... I've been having lots of unhealthy thoughts or extreme bouts of sadness these days over it. Really not a fan... at all.)

But back to the positive! :)

Stocked up on sweets at CVS recently. After the way I got cabin fever + bitterness over a lack of sugar these days.... Yeesh, not letting that happen again.... The bliss of eating Nutter Butters is dope as fuck. Especially after so long.... is sex gonna be good or worse after a quarantine? Whoever comes next better be dope as fuck, since I'm damn near a virgin again after this.

Glad to not be working with Eli anymore. I shall miss the fat stacks of cash to splurge on whatever I pleased, but, not the very creepy older guy that I felt really grossed out being around. (Mainly just the way he smelled, and talked, acted.... maybe a lot.) But he can't control some of what he does. The shit he could control still was annoying, so he deserves better. A real caretaker, and not just his old 'girlfriend', so...

My mom is bonding with me more lately. Moreso just gossiping about how my grandmother is a fake ass bitch and a pathological liar. (My mother keeps trying to say she's just 'naive', but i mean, shes only trying to downplay her own mother's antics in the hopes that I will never get too comfortable checking HER for her shit too....)

Apparently the "dog bite scar" on my grandma's arm, actually came from her hopping a barbed wire fence as she was trying to get away from my enraged granddad, who she stole money from... yikes.

And apparently the narrative wasnt "my grandma was a veteran and a nurse", it was "she helped in the reserves for a few months but has never had a job in her fucking life that lasted past a single week."

And the narrative wasnt "my grandmother hated my granddad, since she got with him since he was rich off selling drugs, but ended with him quitting work and expecting her to be the sole family provider on a whim", it was "my granddad was from a well off family, my grandma was with him but decided to get hooked on drugs nonstop and always steal shit, and got him roped into terrible situations for my mom, her siblings, and him at any given moment". (No offense, but why hasn't my mom pushed my grandmother down the stairs yet? I mean? Why not? You'd spare the world of her dumbass shit.)

And I also found out the context for the sole time in my life my older brother ever had wanted someone dead. (I guess its shocking to learn a sibling has wished death on someone else, but yet somehow surprising to know that it only happened ONCE, im still shocked other people do not often have hyperviolent thoughts very often?????? Damn, what a life to live.)

7:16pm.

I am okay.

Still loathe my ex.

When you date a guy, despite knowing inside yourself that hes a major asshole and naive, a people pleaser to an idiotic or even counterproductive extent, and a total asshole, (yes, i repeated this....)

And then things go shockingly great, to the point where you're at his house and in his arms at night, looking at him, and internally in peril at not knowing what could come out of the blue and hurt a relationship as well as this had gone.....

And it finally happens!

Then, it resolves. Goes back to peace. Christmas Dinner vibing, breakfast dates, great sex. With time, one can forget the bad ever happened.

Until lo and behold, it was definitely too damn soon and he does MANY things out of cowardice and overall shitty explanations.

Things get VERY TERRIBLE.

VERY AWKWARD.

VERY FAST.

A pause happens.

Then terribleness again.

And despite you thinking it should all end.... Oh, look. *He* tells you that he still wants to keep seeing you. *He* reaffirms wanting you apart of his life. *He* makes that move.

You try.

Slow and steady, bumps here and there. But the ice fades, and it goes from short talks in public spaces to longer hangouts on the beach or painting at the library and listening to music.

And somehow, sex. (Not gonna lie, I should've made him pay for my burrito the day we smashed. But the sex was still nice enough, so at least it cured me of the 'my gorrila grip pussy will swallow itself whole unless i have an orgasm soon' dilemma for the present time being.)

And things felt really good.

Until they didn't.

Then, you feel the soreness again. The emptiness behind texts, distance in talks, and how oh look, the 'chase' is gone, and so he is no longer as interested in the tabooness of fucking his mildly nuts ex girlfriend now that hes had the experience once before.

You leave when you realize he's never gonna stop switching between wanting you and dissing you. He sends that stupid text. Gaslighting, and more lies. The shit that made you react so badly when you first left.

Fuck.

......

I really just hate that he did all of that.

ALL of it. The bar was so low. Oh my god. So fucking low. So incredibly low. And maybe I'm just still sad about it, since it was repeatedly him coming back and making me feel like I actually mattered in the life of someone fucking else in a way that I felt actually loved or something.

And now what do I have?

.....

Cool, my face is salty from the tears.

Uh, yeah. Just.... fuck. I bonded really great with him, and worry that I can't find that in someone else.

And he's most likely not worried about the same thing. (Since he's a freaking dumbass, and doesn't acknowledge a good thing when he has one. He's a defeatist loser with no strong sense of reliability, two lame ass friends who he deadass lied to for months and hid me from since he knows they're judgmental as fuck, and hes a sad sack fucking loser. Oh my god, girl, his closest female best friend preferred to online stalk your blog for MONTHS despite you two breaking up, just to mock him, and you. It's pathetic! He's pathetic! Normal relationships would never have this problem. Gosh darn heck.)

I deserve the best.

Best dates, best communication, best talks.

7:37pm.

Gonna shower and buy a wig.

I found a sexy ass wig earlier. Long, flowy and brown like my hair, but with caramel highlights.

Hell yeah bitch, sex appeal so strong that I can get giddy off of just a selfie alone is good.

Also! My ass has gotten bigger! Aye aye aye. Bars. Like, no, im not even kidding. I have upgraded from Taylor Swift/Ciara level skinniness, to like.... young Beyoncé/mild Normani level thickness. A quarantine full of steak, chicken, beans, kale, and brown rice does that to a girl yknow?

(Eli cash + free Chipotle delivery for all the lifestyle bowls I want + watching Megan Thee Stallion videos + Trina while dancing in my room = damn, where she get all that ass from????)

I miiiiiss getting money. I blow money too easily, in the house or out. I literally spent a huge fuckton of cash at the Beauty Supply.... and CVS.... just cause I knew I had it on me.

Same for me buying sparkly almond oil and whatnot.

Buuut money is money, and happiness comes and goes. So why not use money that otherwise I don't plan to spend, on what I want or would like?

Gonna be out here with grapeseed oil and sweet almond oil, glittery and Froot Loops scented, sexy as hell. (I mixed up the smell of Apple Jacks and Froot Loops, but, aye either way it's good...)

My ass is fat, tiddies sitting, and I have a nice, clean, lavender, vanilla, and coconut scented bed with satin sheets....

I have makeup, shea butter so powerful that the scars on the back of my hand from 2019 have faded away almost entirely, rose water and aloe body wash, lemon scented body wash that makes me smell like a sexy Lemon Starburst, like....

I have my own bedroom, after YEARS of peril. I can sleep. I can sleep whenever I want, for however long I desire. I have finally trusted my bedroom enough to have all the lights turned off again.

I have a jewellery rack of all of my prized jewels and possessions! A cork board with beautiful paper pinned to it, soon to be full of ideas! I found my drawing tablet, my camera equipment, so much more.

I am finding peace and beautiful things in my life that I didn't have before.

Tell me, why be unhappy? I am happy as hell and GRATEFUL for my situation right now.

God bless and amen.

7:54pm. I love myself.

Peace yalls.

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fish-nibbler · 7 years

Note

Didn't read them all but you asked for is so- 1-100 and 1-44 >:3 Also *hugs*

1. What have you eaten today? Uh.. Nothing.. and it’s 5:00 pm

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant? My last kiss was with my ex.. awhile a go, before things changed.. and yeah, it was awesome. I hope I can do that with someone again soon

3. What color shoes did you last wear? Black and white converse

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week? I haven’t really laughed very hard lately.. but my friend Kat usually gets me to laugh the hardest.

5. What is your favorite scent? Oooo.. I have a few. Lavender, Vanilla, the scent after it rains, fresh linen

6. What is your favorite season? Why? Probably Fall.. It’s not raining all the time, it’s pretty nice out temperature wise(at least before it starts snowing) and the colours of the leaves are really pretty.

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel? I haven’t done either in years

8. What color are your nails? uh… normal colour? I haven’t painted my nails in a while

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be? A tiny star by my eye

10. What is something you find romantic? I haven’t really been able to be in a relationship where anything was “romantic”.. most of my relationships don’t last more than a week and the only one that lasted more than a month is the one where I was being abused.. so.. I don’t really know what I’d consider “romantic”.. maybe stuff like going out to dinners or sitting in a park and looking at the stars.

11. Are you happy? No

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad? I’m pretty broken over my last relationship - I really wanted to have a chance with her but she’s changed a lot.. and she was probably waaay out of my league anyways..

13. Dogs or Cats? Cats

15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library? The forest

15. What is your style? Yoga pants, flannel, baggy sweatshirts, mens/baggy t-shirts, hoodies, leather jackets… I don’t really have a “style” .. I don’t think

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be? Being with/ dating one of my crushes.. but uh.. that would be assuming this is a different universe where she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

17. Are you in a relationship or single? Single..

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now? Honestly.. After the stuff I just went through with who is now my ex.. I don’t really know.. I feel sorta numb right now. When I said I wanted to be with one of my crushes it’s because I never really got over her after her and I were together.. but right now I don’t know how I feel towards anyone.. or why I like anyone.

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with? *cough* Jared Padalecki

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what? My ex..

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween? I wasted it with some asshat who thought it was a good idea to basically use me as some kind of servant and who thought it would be a good idea to try to make me feel like my depression wasn’t a real thing and she made me think that I was just some kind of freak for always being sad. Her and I don’t talk anymore.

22. Have you recently made any big decisions? Kind of?

23. Were you ever in a school play? Yeah, when I was really little I had to go to a private christian school and it was pretty much required that we participated in plays and reenactments for the church.

24. What movie would you use to describe your life? I don’t think there is one..

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I don’t know.. I think there are a lot of smaller things that I want to do. Such as, I really want to get into cosplay.. but the only person who could help me get into cosplay is probably starting to hate my guts(despite what she says) and probably doesn’t want anything to do with me.. so..

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” I wish I had someone with whom I could share my life and my love.

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex? Drama. God the drama is terrible.. and the second is probably how easy some women are to wanting to fight.

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex? The fact that I swear half the guys at my school either don’t know how to shower or they don’t know how to pull up their pants or, lets see.. guys in my school are always starting fights or they don’t know how to pull their damn pants up or- … lets just say theirs a lot.

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week? Nothing. Nothing good happened this week.30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it? My ex, my cousins who have killed themselves bc they were gay and my family couldn’t accept them, realizing how alone I am because I’m always begging people to spend time with me, realizing that I’m a disappointment to my family, realizing that no one will ever love me in any sense of a relationship.. there’s a lot that makes me sad.

31. How long was your longest relationship? I think 10 months? Almost a year - but the only reason it lasted that long is because she was abusive and was using me.32. Have you ever been in love? Yeah.. then within a month I had my heart torn out, shown to me and then crushed with a tiny hammer. Let’s just say I tried to kill myself after..

33. Are you currently in love? I don’t know..

34. Why did your last relationship end? Because I’m a fucking screw up and I messed everything up. It’s completely my fault.

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it? I’m not wearing anything right now.

36. When was the last time you cried and why? Earlier today because I hate myself for everything I did to my ex.

37. Name someone pretty. @frozen–roses @yurifreak15 @aerllette

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day? A box of chocolates, I stuffy elephant and some self-hatred.

39. Do you get jealous easily? Kinda… But the sad kind of jealousy where I just feel really lonely.

40. Have you ever been cheated on? Probably.

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend? Yeh

42. Ever had detention? Nope

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city? Countryside, there are less lights out there to block the stars

44. What do people call you? Smol, Liz, shorty

45. What was the last book you read? City of Bones

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you? Heck I don’t even know. On a scale of 1-10 probably a 13

47. What kind of music do you listen to? All kinds.. except country

48. How tall are you? 5ft(152.4 cm)

49. Do you like kids? Noooooooo

50. Favorite fruits? Tomatoes, watermelon

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Neither, I swear yoga pants

52. What’s your earliest memory? I don’t know right now..

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you? HA I wish

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

55. Do you have a collection of anything? No.. My mom made me throw them away

56. Do you save money or spend it? Save

57. What would your dream house be like? Small and cozy

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest? Idiots. Lying. Breaking promises. Animal abuse. Ruining/touching other people’s art projects without permission.

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face? I don’t know..

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Fuck it, save the dog, I can hope that if my boss has a heart he’ll let me go this time.61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? a) I don’t tell many people that I’m dying; b) I’d try to have fun with people, maybe try drugs, maybe try drinking and I would for sure have sex with someone.. ooo, or make it interesting and with a few people..hmm; c) I don’t think I would be afraid, I think I would just be anxious

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Love.

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? OOOoo!! Germany! Or Japan!!

64. Do you like the beach? Eh.. kinda

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special? Technically yes.. but it was after I was guilt tripped into having sex with them and had a panic attack during.. it was pretty scarring..

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it! I do have one! My middle name is Patricia

67. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, all the time

68. Describe your hair. Short, really soft and fluffy

69. What is the meaning of life. 42

70. What is your ideal partner like? Taller than me, definitely the more dom of the relationship, really nice and patient… typical stuff

71. Do you want to get married? Yeh!

72. Do you want to have kids? Nooooo

73. Like or dislike your family? I like a couple people.. I dislike most of them.

74. Are you Chunky or Slim? Sorta in between

75. Would you consider yourself smart? No

76. What would you change about your life? Almost everything..

77. Religious or Not? Nope

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Shit I don’t know who’d I be with but I’d hope I’d have a sweet night with one of those hot women.

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? It might be.. I don’t know.. she’d probably just avoid me..

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? No..

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Falling asleep in their arms..

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Yes..

83. Do you like when people play with your hair? Yeah.. I find it really calming

84. Do you like bubble baths?Yes!

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop? Yeah, but only for a burnt out tail light

86. Have you ever danced in the rain? Nope

87. Do you trust anyone with your life? Eh.. I don’t know.. Sort of lost that trust when I told people I wanted to kill myself and they laughed at me..

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? “Why am I such a screw up?”

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week) Germany, England, Canada, Ireland, Iceland, Japan, California, Washington DC(again), Poland, and maybe Texas

90. How was your day today? Eh.. It sucked..

91. Play an instrument? I play the flute, and I’m trying to learn how to play the piano

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean. No. Nope. Not doing it.

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Kinda, I mean.. I believe there’s something else out there.

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be? No.

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side? Depends on if you are able to piss me off.

96. When are you vulnerable? Always.

97. How much free time do you have? A lot

98. Do you like to go hiking? Yeah! I just don’t always get to and I usually come home covered in ticks..

99. Odd or Even Numbers? Both?

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities? Sure! I’d be willing to try.

1. Any scars? Many

2. Self harmed? Yes

3. Crush? Lets not talk about it anymore

4. Kissed anyone? Yes

5. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi

6. Someone you hate? My abusive ex

7. Best Friends? Yeh

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? I wish

9. What’s your dream job? Uhh.. I don’t know

10. Ever been in love? Yeah.. It didn’t end well.

11. Last time you cried? Today

12. Favorite color? Lavender, shades of blue

13. Height? 5ft

14. Birthday? April 13th

15. Eye color? Blue and Grey

16. Hair color? Brown

17. What do you love? Snuggles.

18. Obsession? ...uhhh.. I dunno..

19. If you had one wish, what would it be? To be loved

20. Do you love someone? My ex.. Though I know I need to get over her..

21. Kiss or hug? Depends on who you are

22. Nicknames people call you? Liz, Smol, Shorty, ..cute

23. Favorite song? Lost Boy

24. Favorite band? Panic! At the Disco

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? One of my exes(not the most resent)

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you? The last person I dated.. she was the best thing that had ever happened to me..

27. Something you would change about yourself? Everything

28. Ever dated someone? Yeah

29. Worst mistake? There are a lot..

30. Watch the movie or read the book? Both

31. Ever had a heartbreak? Yeah

32. Favorite show? Right now: Archer.

33. Best day of your life? I dunno..

34. Any talents? Uh...

35. Do you wish you could ever start over? Yes

36. Any bad habits? Cutting..

37. Ever had a near death experience? Probably a few

38. Someone I can tell anything to? My best friend, Elena

39. Ever lost a loved one? A lot..

40. Do you believe in love? Yes

41. Someone you hate/Dislike? again, one of my exes. She was a manipulative asshat who guilt tripped me into having sex with her and then laughing when she hurt me.

42. Are you okay? No.

43. Relationship status? Single

44. Selfie? I’ll post one later when I have better lighting

#answering asks #this took forever but it was totally worth it #aerllette

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tamiddyinyourcity · 4 years

Text

12:26am, looking at the way I cried earlier, you'd have think that the man actually died.

But, eh.

.....

Good moments:

Him describing to me the Shinji "I'm so messed up" meme.

Me dozing in and out of sleep as he's telling me about Evangelion, as the movie is playing. Whole time, I'm more focused on laying my head on his chest and dozing off. And tracing my fingers against him, half asleep....

Tracing my fingers on him half asleep, under his arm as he rambled about things felt nice.

His eyes are really nice. I think today I got nervous at some point, since his glasses broke, and not having huge clunky frames to make his eyes not so noticeable.... made it really hard to not get mildly turned on. I wasn't HORNY, but like, at some point he looked at me through the corner of his eye, and my pussy TWITCHED, BITCH.... AGH. FUCK! Not fair. Its not fair, his jawline and chin and eyes? And the subtle five o clock shadow? His hair? Wow, sucks not to beable to suck his d-- i mean, see him as a decent friend.

Not much to say, just had to say that.

Anyway, I haven't been laid in 17 days, and I'm getting more annoyed and horny by the second.

(I just remembered that time we banged in November and joked that I ruined his No Nut November.... crap.)

Why I'm annoyed with him:

He's still not amazing

I was gonna write more for the first bulletpoint but it was a perfect summary tbh.... he's not.

He blatantly admitted that he could see a resolution, but openly just didn't want to pursue it.

Threw away our relationship with ease, just to still find a way to complain and whine about it.

Then couldn't be arsed to give me back the gift I gave him on Christmas, (literally a handmade painting and pins/bumper stickers that he scoffed and groaned at when receiving.... which hurt more than words can say! especially since the painting had writing on how I was grateful for the 2nd chance.... hilarious,) suddenly deciding he loves the gift and wants to keep it for sentimental value...... even though giving it to me, wouldve lead to moving on, and not having to have him worry about me being in his life. My dude, it literally kills two birds with one stone: your ex leaves your life, and you stop staring at something that makes you feel emotional.

.....and much more.

I think despite me liking him, there's always been a little bit of a "i really want to pull a homer simpson on this simp, son," vibe.

WHY, YOU LITTLE-

Patrick looks like Milhouse.... thats very depressing.

Anyway,

I'm trying to get to a decent point.

The point between "i want this man to nut in me" and "i want this man to not exist on the planet", which is like.... not exactly indifference, just..... being too bored of the past to care.

Usually the coping mechanism is getting tired of remembering the assholery, and getting tired of remembering the good stuff that wont ever happen again.

Then, things work out.

And i focus on the present.

...

I think its good that to a degree, he makes me sick.

It keeps me from having a connection to a man who wouldn't do right by me, and that feels good.

....

But alas, now my options are:

Celibacy

Fucking some other disappointment and hoping that it works

.....

I miss the Old Patrick. The nerd with the snort, who was easily ticklish. Very colorful and vibrant, even if a lot more reserved about who he was open with.

Kinda sucks to know there won't be any more late night therapy sessions. (A.k.a., us just casually cuddled up naked in his bed, venting our secrets or randomly discussing philosophy in the dark.)

I kinda miss kissing the Old Patrick.

New Patrick doesn't deserve me.

He's..... just.....not the person I want.

And the one that I do like, is dead, and long gone.

That really sucks.

1:45am, better get some sleep soon. Today was a long day for so many reasons....

Peace out, my loves. Text later.

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