#anyway weird vent sesh over

[midasinc]

jehan/grantaire modern era hcs:

-grantaire gets stuck on enjolras for a really long time and when he comes to terms with the fact that it just isn't ever gonna happen, it genuinely breaks his heart and he falls into a funk over it for a while

-jehan is better friends with enj but he knows that grantaire isn't really dealing with any of this well and goes to befriend him too because he's been there and sometimes you just need some help and motivation to move on

-they weirdly get along really well. jehan listens to grantaire and just lets him vent about how heartbroken he is without trying to sneak in advice unless grantaire directly asks him for it. he lets grantaire talk and feel like he's not crazy or overdramatic and that really helps to feel understood

-jehan likes art and likes listening to grantaire talk about art and they have a lot of hang seshes of doodling each other. grantaire is an animator and has a lot of random jehan cartoons around his apartment. jehan has more of a realistic style and has some pretty candid portraits of grantaire

-they also like to go to galleries together and do weird things like go to a skate park despite being older than the main demographic and neither knowing how to skate. jehan takes grantaire to his rap scene and teaches him about rap culture and they do a lot of things on a whim, like taking a train to the south of france for a day or spending a weekend in amsterdam or just going to a zumba class for fun.

-they're very touchy with each other and neither are sure if it means something else

-at jehan's grad party they both get pretty high which turns into playing monopoly and grantaire is about to go bankrupt and jehan says he'll loan him money for a kiss, sort of as a joke, but grantaire does it anyway and takes a big bill from his pile. they don't really talk about it afterwards

-then the next year on new years eve, they're sorta hangin out at a party and grantaire asks if he has a new years kiss lined up and jehan jokes that his invitations probably got lost in the mail and grantaire jokes back that his got sent to a gulag and jehan isn't sure if that's an offer or not, he laughs anyway and takes a sip of his drink before grantaire pretty much just outright says "i'm taking volunteers if you're not busy" and jehan isn't expecting it and he's so surprised that his drink comes out of his nose and they're too busy laughing so they miss the countdown. but they sneak some kisses into the new year anyway (even if jehan's sinuses are burning)

-this time they actually talk about it and it leads us to two years into them being together

-they're both just fucking weirdos. they'll watch youtube essays together on jehan's tv and eat from a jar of almond butter with their own spoons. it's honestly the dream tbh

-jehan brings grantaire stuff like a bird. at the end of the day he comes home with pockets full of shiny pens and bottle caps and stickers and cool rocks or leaves. grantaire likes to joke that he's bringing supplies to build a nest

-grantaire keeps all of it, too. he has a shoebox filled with the little things jehan brings him

-grantaire likes to wear jehan's stuff bc jehan's clothes always smell nicer than his own. this is partly bc grantaire does laundry like once a month if he's in a good mood and has bad habits with showering, but also because jehan uses this cologne that smells like oak and orange and it makes grantaire very happy to smell like his bf

-grantaire is also horrifically insecure but he's very vocal about it and kind of does it for attention on days where he's annoyed. he'll get aggravated with jehan and be like "i don't even know why you're with me im ugly and useless and you shouldn't even want to touch me you should be with someone else" and he knows for a fact that jehan hates it when he says stuff like that because it's really heartbreaking to hear that sort of thing from your partner. because jehan knows he's doing it to get a reaction, his defense mechanism is putting his hands over his ears and yell-singing all of me by john legend until grantaire shuts the fuck up and tells jehan what's actually bothering him

-usually he's just cranky bc his stomach hurts. that, jehan can certainly resolve

-anyway they both also like to get high together. they r the kings of shotgunning smoke into each other's mouths. grantaire likes to curl on top of jehan bc jehan is very solid and also very soft and listen to his heartbeat as jehan hums to whatever song is playing on their record player

-and yes they have a record player in their apartment and two crates full of vinyls. they like to go together to vinyl shops and pick out sad, lonely looking vinyls that no one else will buy. bc of that, they have a very peculiar music selection

-jehan also keeps enough houseplants to make their apartment look like an exhibit from jurassic park. grantaire likes to help, but he knows nothing about horticulture, so jehan gave him a designated plant to take care of. it's plastic, but grantaire thinks it's real and waters it every day and makes sure that it's in the sun

-they're also both picky eaters. neither of them will touch pickles or a lot of veggies god bless. it's joly's mission to figure out a way to get them to eat certain foods

-grantaire warms up to jehan's rats eventually. it took him a year to get comfortable holding a rat and after that, it gets pretty easy. he doesn't feel horrified coming home to seeing jehan chillin on the couch with three rats on his shoulders

-after year two he gets attached to the rats. on their birthday, he buys them little treats and toys and such. rats are just little dudes! it just took him a while to stop associating them with the rats in the paris metro stations

-jehan likes to paint grantaire's nails on sundays and listen to him talk. it's therapeutic for them both

-both of them often feel weird out in public and in other spaces, but being around each other is so comforting because they don't feel weird when they're together. being able to talk and laugh and joke makes them feel understood and that's a really important aspect of their relationship to either of them. they understand each other's weirdness

-jehan also convinces grantaire to get frosted tips. i don't really need to delve further into this event but it does happen.

#les miserables #les mis #modern les mis #les mis headcanons #jehan prouvaire #jehan frollo #jehan #prouvaire #grantaire #les amis de l'abc #les amis #tw weed #tw weed mention #tw drug use #tw drug mention

[metalbatandzenko]

Help, People Think My Bodyguard Is Hot!AU

So I posted earlier about the fact that my dumbass gremlin brain managed to mix a Bodyguard AU, Fake Dating AU, Unrequited Love, Childhood Friends, and Mutual Pining into one AU...this is that AU. It’s Mumensai and Flashysonic endgame.

Main Plot:

So Flashy Flash is an idol and Mumen’s his personal assistant. The two have been working together for a few years, and Flash has come to trust Mumen’s judgement, even though he thinks Mumen can be a bit high-strung/get’s anxious easily. 

The night before a major event, Flash’s security detail fell through.

Mumen panics, and asks his best friend Saitama, who works as a security contractor/bodyguard at a company he and Genos own.

Previously, Mumen hadn’t asked him to because Mumen was worried it would come off as biased, and Saitama thought that was fair. Plus he wasn’t exactly sold on the idea of working for Flashy Flash in the first place, so no hard feelings.

This time around was an emergency though, so Saitama agrees to fill in, and brings a few of his coworkers (it is supposed to be a detail after all. He’s pretty sure that means more than one guy. He’s not sure to be honest, Genos handles the logistics most of the time.)

There ends up being a scuffle at Flash’s show and long story short Saitama takes down like 6 guys.

Flash is suitably impressed and offers him a position as his personal bodyguard Saitama being the cheapskate he is, and hearing the paycheck associated with it accepts on the spot.

Everything’s going smoothly for a few days, but then someone on twitter tweets a picture of Saitama helping Flash out of his limo with the caption “Wait is it just me or is Flashy Flash’s bodyguard hot? 😳”

Saitama becomes an overnight sensation (remember Kylie Jenner’s bodyguard? Yeah that) and people start following him on socials, except—you know—he’s Saitama so his ig account isn’t curated pictures but is just stupid pics of things in his house and him goofing off with Genos (who is also his roommate) and King.

He gets even more popular when someone posts a video of Saitama taking down the guys at Flashy’s show.

Flash is pretty amused by this, and thinks Saitama’s floundering in the new spotlight is really funny. 

He gives Saitama a few tips and tricks on how to keep a clean feed for ig (which Saitama only follows sometimes), and has Mumen create a twitter account for him under the username baldandbeautiful and get it verified. 

Saitama does not think this is funny, and begins tweeting absolute nonsense to try to spite Flash. This does not work. He keeps gaining followers. What the fuck. His tweet that was just “do you think birds know we love them” got 81k retweets. What is twitter.

So Flash, Saitama and Mumen continue on like this for a few months, and things are going swimmingly.

Then it comes out that Amai Mask (Flashy’s ex who he had a really messy public breakup with) began dating his personal bodyguard (Sonic).

Now Amai seeing someone new would be fine by itself, but it turns out Sonic is Flash’s childhood friend, and ex. 

So Flash vents to Saitama about how his exes are dating just to spite him and how he needs to figure out his next public appearance because all eyes are going to be on him.

Spoiler alert: he ends up going and partying at a club and getting wasted. This isn’t especially out of the ordinary for him, but what is out of the ordinary is him climbing on Sai’s lap in the middle of the lounge, and leaning in to kiss him. (The paparazzi lose their minds)

Saitama pulls back and asks him what he’s doing and Flash (who it turns out is actually completely sober) explains the publicity behind him dating his famous hot bodyguard would be great for both of them and he’ll double how much he’s paying him.

Saitama hesitates for a moment because he’s been in love with Mumen since they were in high school, but he relents, because honestly, money is tight, and Mumen doesn’t like him back so there’s no reason to hold out. And Flash is attractive, so there are worse people to pretend to date.

Flash and Saitama’s “steamy makeout sesh” is all over the rag magazines the next day and they’re getting tons of good publicity from it. 

Mumen starts acting a bit weird around Saitama which he gets—Mumen’s always been a romantic so him pretending to date someone wouldn’t sit well with the guy.

The two continue to fake date for a while. Flash ends up genuinely falling for Saitama, but also confesses to him while drunk one night that he’s still in love with Sonic. 

Saitama in turn confides in him that he’s been in love with someone for years, but is scared of ruining what they have by telling them.

He doesn’t tell Flash who it is, but Flash puts two and two together and just has to watch Mumen and Saitama pine for each other like idiots. He eventually ends up “firing” him as a boyfriend but keeping him on as his security guard.

But anyways it ends up with Flashysonic, Mumensai and Amai x Tons of money from the breakup album he puts out ajrbvttv

Other characters:

Sonic is a private contractor. His backstory is actually fairly similar to canon in terms of having taken jobs as a hitman, bodyguard and/or thief. He and Flash grew up together, and “dated” up until fairly recently. When Flash got discovered, it drove a wedge between the two of them and they split on bad terms. He ended up hired as extra security for an event Amai was holding. Despite being told he could enjoy himself as he was mostly there for show bc Amai could handle himself, he ended up taking down a guy who tried to attack Amai Mask, and made quick work of him. When Amai mentioned he could handle himself, Sonic told him to shut up, because he’d hired him for a job, and damn if he wasn’t going to do it. Amai, surprisingly, found this hilarious it helps he that found Sonic attractive and ends up offering him a job. He still sees Saitama as his rival because Saitama once caught him trying to steal from his client and knocked him out. He ended up wiggling out of a felony charge because his client at the time was incredibly wealthy and got him a good lawyer.

Amai Mask is still a famous actor, singer and model. He and Flash dated briefly (originally for publicity but they both got attached). It ended because he realized Flash was still in love Sonic.

Genos is Saitama’s roommate and coworker. He handles more of the business/logistical end of their security work, but he’s no pushover, and occasionally contracts out himself. Saitama usually benches him though because he has a tendency to get in fights.

King is one of the bodyguards but he’s mostly there to add numbers to the security details bc he can’t fight for shit, he just looks big and scary enough that people back down. He actually does better with the tech elements, and he and Genos work on that together.

Fubuki is Flash’s current agent. She’s constantly trying to help him raise his status, and by extension her own. She poaches a few of Saitama’s employees/coworkers to come work for her, or sign a contract for her. (What? You’ve managed to surround yourself with very attractive bodyguards. They could make it as models, Saitama.)

Tatsumaki is Amai Mask’s agent, and Fubuki’s older sister. She discovered Amai Mask, and turned him into a worldwide phenomenon. 

Badd and Garou probably won’t make a major appearance in this AU but if they do, it’ll be as Saitama and Genos’ coworkers that Fubuki successfully convinces to go into modelling...but not under her.

#au #mumensai #flashysonic

[violetbeachpod]

TRANSCRIPT: 6 - Memories

backstreets back alright

Okay. Here we go. Gotta knock this one out, and then it’ll be done. It’ll be over, and it’ll be done, and, and, and.

Elaine here. My turn.

Look, I’m not--

I don’t know if I can give anything productive to this conversation, just. I’m--I don’t want to be a part of this, I don’t feel like I’m a part of this. I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything, necessarily, I’m.

I’m a background player. That’s all. And I don’t mind it! I’m--I like it. Prefer it, honestly, to this, to this--sci-fi bullshit, AJ called it, when he dropped by yesterday. He--he needed a vent session. He called it a salt sesh, which--no. I won’t do that. Maybe it was ironic? But he wanted a vent sesh. And his family doesn’t really “do” “those.” And he’s a sweet kid. He deserves a vent sesh.

Can I pull off sesh?

But anyway. I prefer not doing anything to sci-fi bullshit. And I haven’t--It was never really my thing, I was more of a sitcom girl. Like, good ones, obviously, but.

And then, I’m--I’m living in this, which is ridiculous, and--

Teresa’s back. That’s important to say. Just cuz--it happened an hour ago, I’m not sure if all of you know. Well. You’ll know by the time I put this in the folder, but. It’s important that I share what we know now, right? That’s--that’s how storytelling works.

Teresa woke up in her bed this morning. I was on my way back from work, and she called me, just cuz--we saw this stuff first, we kinda. We bonded over that, in the beginning.

And she asked me if I noticed that the sky was blue, rather than the normal olor.

I said, Teresa, you’ve been gone for two weeks, no one’s been able to find you, the sky is always blue, y’know, I went through the motions. Told her everything that’s happened since she went away. Angie had a class this morning, so she doesn’t know yet.

And Teresa is just--she’s insistent that I’m lying to her, that Angie or someone is just playing a joke, and she says that, no, she--that’s how the town got its name, Elaine, our sky is weird. Because of the circle.

I know you’re new here, she says, but come on. This is, like, pre-moving here stuff.

And I--I didn’t know how to react, so I just repeated, I said, she’s been gone for two weeks, and that we’re all so worried. That we’ve all been losing our minds looking for her, that--

[Sigh]

And Douglas is sitting on my lap right now and he’s my only hope for some sense of grounding in this life. Yes you are. Yes you are the only thing holding me back from going into panic.

He’s a sweet boy. The sweetest boy. If Teresa weren’t allergic, I’d bring him over, but--no.

I’m concerned, is the thing. I know--I don’t know these people as well as Rob might, but I’m still concerned.

I’ve been doing some digging, on--on the town’s history, this morning. Wikipediaing, and what have you.

I can’t find anything. I just—I can’t. It’s. All I can find is Facebook groups for, like, yard sales and swap meets and support groups—and I’m gonna go to the swap meets, don’t get me wrong, but they’re just—they’re not important to the cause at hand.

When I was at boarding school, my sophomore year roommate would always go on these deep mystery-solving dives—there was a still unsolved murder that took place on campus thirty-something years ago, and she dedicated herself to ending it. And—

And we’re not friends, or anything, so I can’t, like, reach out, say, hey, girl, it’s me, from high school, uh, I’m being haunted by a ghost maybe, and there’s also time travel, no big, so—how’s med school? Y’know? Can’t do that, that’ll—that’ll make me seem crazy. I’m not in contact with anyone, from back then. It wasn’t, like—not for a lack of trying, I just. Everyone else was closer, I sorta fell out.

But that’s not relevant to the point at hand, which is that Teresa, who is a friend of mine, who’s a smart kid, who’s back, is convinced that the world is wrong.

And I don’t think that the world is wrong. I think—well, maybe I’m the crazy one, maybe I’m the one who’s misremembering the sky, maybe I’m the one who’s gone, but. Look. Listen. I—I don’t know what’s going on. I really, honestly, never have. Like, for my whole life. I’m smart, sure, but I—not in the way where I know other people’s experiences. In the way where I know my own. Where I know how to navigate my life. Not the kind of smart where I can handle weird sci-fi bullshit. Y’know? I’ve secondhand watched a lot of sci-fi, and I. Do not care for it. In the slightest. At all.

Which is, like, sacrilege, in this group. I like fantasy, usually, it’s just—never been huge on sci-fi, ‘cept for the big stuff. Star Wars, etcetera. It’s just not my thing. Is it a crime? No. It isn’t. Please stop trying.

So, here’s the thing about boarding school murders—cuz that’s where my brain keeps going, with this, because that’s the closest thing I have to mystery hunting in the past. Because I did help, yeah. I—I didn’t have many friends, okay, I was new, I was shy, I didn’t do sports or anything, like—I needed friends, and I had this opportunity, so. I stole a video camera from my film class and I helped make a documentary. Look. They can’t get me for it now, I have a masters. So.

We would sneak out into the woods out by the dorms and we’d just—we’d film recreations of the murder. A student killed her—well, we figured out that it was just her friend, but my roommate thought it might have been either an athletic rival or a romantic partner--which I shut down fast, like, look, I am all about gay people doing things, unless they are murder.

And we’d do this every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night, around three AM. I didn’t sleep much at age sixteen. I don’t sleep much at age twenty-five, even, but, like—I get more, now. So that’s really good. But irrelevant. And my roommate, whose name was Janice Potter, she was from Georgia and she hated that about herself, and—like, sure, cool, whatever, one Tuesday night, when I was busy building sets for the musical, she went out by herself, with the camera, and—I was walking back to the dorm, and I saw her lying in the woods with a broken leg. And I—I brought her to the infirmary, said she fell while taking pictures of the set build for the newspaper. She wasn’t even in newspaper, we—we barely had a newspaper. But the nurses didn’t care, they just needed to tell her mother something.

And the next morning, she didn’t remember going out. I think it was trauma, or something, but I had to go to the hospital with her, because I could recall events and nobody else could. It wasn’t great, and I had to lie a bunch to doctors, which I think is a crime, maybe, which—like, the amount of time that it took me to get that social energy back was—maybe eighty seven years. I’m still getting that back.

But that’s what I keep coming back to, that night in the hospital, when I just stopped giving a shit about the murder, about the mystery, and I just started caring about the people. That’s where I’m at, with this.

I don’t care about some government conspiracy, or alien invasion, or—parallel universe, or—

Wait, yeah, that’s it. there’s some parallel universe shit happening. There we go, proof that you find things as soon as you stop looking. I am basically unstoppable, and, guess what? I’m never gonna die.

But that’s not the point. Whichever one of you all wants to figure out the semantics, feel free, but. I’m not caught up on that.

Here’s the point: Teresa is alive, and she’s back, and we need to take care of that first. We can focus on the parallel universe, which--look, I’m too excited about this not to share. But you guys have to prove it. Cuz I’m not doing that.

Look, so, we’re talking--

[there’s just static. there are syllables, sure, things close to words, but there aren’t words like there were before. there’s just this static.]

I’m assuming that got cut out, like--like Benji got cut off, like AJ got interrupted. But, hey, I--I got it. I’ll email you.

I’m gonna head over to the dorms, bring Rob with me—she’s asleep right now, but I’m—I’ll wake you up in a sec. You’ll hear the in retrospect, like, oh, that’s why my beautiful future-wife who I love was so happy even though a friend of ours may or may not be an amnesiac. God, you’ll think, I love her. I’ll make you coffee so you don’t hate me when you wake up, but—you’ll get it in the future.

I know it’s scary, right now. But we got this, I feel like it for the first time, like there’s relief, rather than dread or worry or aliens in my brain on loop, it’s—

We’ve got this.

Here’s my wrap up. Because we all do these, I guess. Some words.

There’s something terrible in trying to solve a mystery, there’s something—I don’t know. It feels wrong, to be solving a mystery you’re not supposed to. For example, Janice Potter isn’t on Facebook. I’m not going to try and figure out why. I don’t want to know what I don’t need to know, I want to know that people are safe and good and—and not being abducted into parallel universes or whatever we’re calling it.

There’s something perfect in actually solving a mystery, there’s something—

You know how it is. I’m not gonna get all literary. That’s Rob’s job.

Just got a text from Angie with “SHE’S BACK” in all caps, with seventeen heart emojis. It’s very sweet, very nice, very good. It’s cute. That’s what this is worth, that’s—that’s what’s worth celebrating. Benji’s already responded, so’s Charlotte, and—

This is the light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s get out of it.

Okay, that’s bad, that’s clichéd. I can do a better closer than that. We need a better one-liner than that. I can’t come up with a good one, but--I want you all to know that I can do better and I will do better in the future with any and all one liners. I’ll probably come up with twenty as I drive to the dorms, so, uh, venmo me if you want one. Please. I do need payment for my non-sequitirs.

Cool.

Love you, bye.

#transcripts #elaine #season 1 #violet beach #violet beach podcast

[buildingcastlesintheair-blog1]

Two Things

Man, I feel like I’m just using this website as a somewhere to vent. I mean, currently I have no journals or anything else to write in, that’s all back at my college place and I could just write in word except for some reason that doesn’t really work in on my laptop. I seriously need a new laptop. I’m very fortunate to have one, I saved up for it myself. But it’s very slow and will randomly crash, not good when you haven’t saved a college assignment for three hours. Maybe part of the reason I use this website, is that I do want to be heard. 

But this isn’t what I want to talk about. I have two things on my mind, one I didn’t even realize I cared enough about to write about but apparently I do. It’s about my sister. We had plans for her to come stay with me, she kept pushing and pushing it back. She had to cancel on me again recently, it’s just what I expect at this point. I kind of just expect people to not be reliable. It’s why I like to do things myself. And guilt thing just driven into us by society, that we’re lazy assholes if anyone does anything for us. That’s not to say that I can’t be an lazy asshole. I’m use to people cancelling on me really last minute or dragging out their confirmation on and on. I just think, a lot of people don’t want to be around me. And it’s weird, cause I know part of it is my social skills can sometimes be very questionable, I ask questions you maybe you shouldn’t ask or my jokes don’t always land and I tend to come out with very weird, random statements. I think I’m a bit much, a bit too much for a lot of people. Plus I can be incredibly need, cause I’m afraid of being abandoned. It’s kinda like a viscous cycle 

A mean, part of it is my college attendance is very spotty. Here comes in the lazy part. I mean, I am the way I am physically for a reason. I mean, it’s also my diet, which is appalling. But yes, me not being in college, means forging new friendships, hasn’t really happened. And the ones I kinda did, don’t really wanna hang out with me. I think I’m just gonna have to accept that, their just people I say hi to and maybe have a conversation with once in a while. This term though, I’m getting my attendance up, I’m putting in the work and I am gonna do good. No worrying over if I’ve failed an exam or not, cause I will have been in class and know my shit. New year, new me baby. This year, I’m doing good by me. Even if all I wanna do is lie in bed and watch FRIENDS for the sixth time all the way through, I am going to start making the good decisions for me and my future. Gonna start giving a damn about myself. Start your timers now and see how long this mentality lasts. 

Socially, not doing so hot. And hey, no one I’ve met in college has been an asshole. They all seem like real lovely folks. Just gotta approach them. I think one setback though, is I don’t drink. Well, I don’t go out to drink. It’s just not my think. I mean, like if there’s a hang out sesh and there’s drink, I’ll partake. But I won’t go out of my way to obtain drink or to get drunk. Nights out to clubs? Too noisy, unpredictable and too many drunk people. When you’ve had to see your housemates throw up in your yard while you eat breakfast, it’s enough to put you off. This doesn’t make me boring or want to have any less amount of fun.I can barely keep my balance while sober, imagine what I’m like drunk. And I have been drunk, vomiting in the toilet, ugly crying drunk. It’s a depressant for me. For my mental health, it’s best I don’t. My brain is hardly sunshine and rainbows while sober, drink takes me further down a dark rabbit hole. Plus, drunk me tends to fuck up my friendships. 

Anyway, in Ireland, the drink culture is big, especially in the young people social scene. And old people. In fact, it sometimes feels like Ireland’s only culture is our drinking one. I don’t think that’s something we should be proud of. I think, our country, it’s sad. Not sad like, cringey, sad as in emotion. A lot of people hurting and we’ve been taught to cope with drink. We’re known for our friendly, cheerful, chilled demeanor. We’re a little bit fucked up and we hide it with alcohol. So, I don’t drink to hide from my fucked upness. I don’t do drugs, I have gotten high but again, it’s not something I seek out. And I would never do anything more then weed. I don’t self harm. My coping? I eat. I eat the feelings away. I spend my money on stuff that makes me briefly happy and then those endorphins ebb away. By spending my money, I mean books, clothes, merch, other stuff and food. Sugar is my drug. I’m addicted. I know this and I have no clue how to kick it. 

This post went way off topic, as per usual. Bringing it back, my sister, I’m not seeing her this month. She had other engagements and to be fair, she did need to attend them. We’re seeing a concert next month, hopefully that goes smoothly. It’s common in Ireland, for large families to be very close. I don’t think I’m that close with anyone in my family. I love my sister to pieces, would do anything for her, drop everything if she needed me. It’s me and my sister, she’s my top priority in terms of family. And I love my grandparents dearly and will always be grateful from the bottom of my heart for all they’ve done for me and my sister and my mom when she was alive. But they don’t know me. They use to and we’ve drifted apart. And for my part, I don’t really know them. So, I’m always amazed at really close families who see each other more then twice a year. I think, I saw my sister once last year....Yeah once. And that’s not entirely her fault. I’m to blame too. 

That made me sadder then I expected. The next topic, is feeling like I’m floating. Not anchored. Basically, as my sister couldn’t come up, I let my friend, whom I live with when not at college, that I could stay a couple of extra days, thinking she’d be happy. Nope, she wants me out on Tuesday, no extra days. Fair enough, she wants her space. Still hurts. She blatantly doesn’t want me around and we all know about my abandonment issues at this point. Her saying this, made me realize, this will never been my concrete Home. With a capital H. Not like when I lived with Mom. It’s not my family home. These people let me sleep on a blow up mattress on the floor for periods of time before it’s time for me to move on. It’s like couch surfing kinda. I don’t have my own bed, nowhere of my own to store my things. I know my friend hates sharing her space with me and again only puts up with me because we’re best friends and it’s the morally right thing to do. I just know everyone in this house would rather I lived somewhere else. Same with my old foster family, they had my room emptied and someone else in there lickity split after I’d moved out. My college place I rent, that’s of course not permanent as I don’t live there over the summer, only over the college terms. So, I don’t have a permanent home. Or somewhere I could conceivably call a permanent home. 

My grandma always goes on that she expected me to go to her after my mom died. Firstly, no fucking way. The house stinks of the cigs my uncle smokes all day and he freaks me out when he’s drunk, which he is a lot. And, unfortunately, my grandma is a hoarder. I think it’s her way of coping with the fragmented family and the loss of my mom, her child after all. Anyway, basically, in this two bedroom bungalow, my grandmother has it crammed to literally the roof with things she doesn’t need and enough clothes to, it feels like, clothe the entire town. She can’t wear ninety percent of it because she can’t get to it. There is no floor in her bedroom. I’m not exagerating. And a literally wall, a solid wall that I can punch and it doesn’t move, extends across her bed, so she only has one spot on her bed she can curl up on. She can’t sleep stretched out. It’s a wal made of clothes, homeware, furniture, toys, all sorts of things from the second hand store. And she refuses to get rid of any of it, though she knows it’s a problem. The other bedroom, is always locked. Never seen in there. No idea what’s in there. My uncle sleeps on the couch. There���s an armchair. That’s where my grandad sleeps when he’s there. My grandmother supports my uncle. He’s depressed and dealing with stuff I don’t understand. I think, he use to be someone once. Now, I think he’s sad and doesn’t know how to get out of that feeling. We aren’t close, at all. It’s weird, cause I know he’s family. But we don’t joke around, or anything. We know nothing about each other. That’s how it is with most of my family. 

Anyway, back to my friend. Yeah, I guess it’s interactions like that, that remind me I’m a guest. I haven’t felt secure since Mom died. I guess, I gotta do that for myself now. I can’t really rely on anyone, cause they’re just gonna let you down. And I’m not talking about my friend not wanting me to stay, though it reaffirms this belief, it’s a bunch of stuff for the last two and half years. Three years this June. I kinda feel like, my life, who I was, died with my mom. I’m not that kid anymore. But I’m not an adult. I’m scared. Hurting. Sad, Angry. Slowly losing hope. I use to have dreams. Not anymore. I use to care. Not any more. I don’t trust and I’m always afraid. Of literally everything. How I’m gonna get a job, I don’t know. I wouldn’t end my life. I wouldn’t. But I do think, sometimes it would just be easier then this living stuff. Lot less stressful and scary and lot less betrayal and tears. I think I’d be a lot less lonelier. I just wouldn’t be. But I would not ever end my life. I live my life for my mom and the hope that one day, I’ll find continuous happiness and security in my life and the people around me once more. 

Sorry that got so dark in the end. Perhaps this is too dark to put online. But, this does help. I know no one is reading these so it’s okay. 

I know, my belief no one can be fully trusted or depended on, is sad and lonely. I know it is. But, humanity and life, hasn’t provided me with any contradiction to this belief yet. Maybe it will, or it won’t. I want to socialize but protect myself also. How many times will I let my heart be broken and cry into the night, before I just give up on humanity all together? Trump certainly isn’t helping. I think I’m close to just retreating. 

I’m tired.

Sincerely, 

Me. 

[maevegan-blog1]

SO.

I'm maeve. I'm a college student from Massachusetts and I'm making this blog solely for the purpose of tracking my life as I begin a new year attempting to make some changes. Maevegan is for me-- I literally don't expect anyone to read/care about/enjoy this blog like, at all. BUT I'm super in need of a fresh start and an outlet and don't necessarily want to use my personal blog to do so thus here's this new blog with a crappy name and another password to remember and 100% potential to get abandoned out of disinterest within a week. So that's that. ANYWAY. I'm the kind of person with an extremely malleable personality. I know this about myself. I morph into a product of my environment, usually in the form of a readily available love interest, that becomes my boyfriend and I immediately change who I am to be who HE is and then I ride that wave for a while, get bored with it, and move onto the next phase of my life. In the process I always cut ties and burn bridges and hurt feelings because I'm awful at pretty much being a human and like, all that comes with it. I don't really know, but regardless I'm gunna try and like use this blog as a way to stay honest with myself and keep my thoughts straight and my life as on-track as it can possibly get. Which, isn't very. There's a lot of shit that goes on in my head on a daily basis and it's pretty fucking psycho if we're being honest so, I'm sure my whole life's story will come out on here eventually but for now, I'm not going to go back in time much, just start from where I am. Recently, I made a big change in my relationship situation/ friend group/ life that has been super great at times but also bothers me pretty damn deeply at others. My new love interest situation is fucking weird, my old one was I king weird, and everything that surrounds the transition from one to the other is fucking weird. I feel like I try to go with my gut decision-wise but my gut DEAD ASS changes its own fucking mind so who knows. Regardless, I'm pretty lost in the sauce of wtf am I ever doing in life and thus decided to try and ***cliche alert lol I hate myself*** FIND MYSELF (ha) in order to sort out the pile of bullshit that is my life. So. The other day I read an article about Carrie Underwoods "practical vegan" diet and decided what the fuck why not give it a try. Like, I already prefer veggie burgers and soy patties to meat ones, only use soy in my coffee, have a sensitivity to cream and heavy dairy, and enjoy the tastes and textures of plant-based foods. I'm not picky in the least, so that part works for me. My current (?) boy is like a crossfit freakshow and he's like hot af and I'm l i t e r a l l y a potato so I figured I need to figure that the fuck out. Not that this is about him because it's not, but realistically I just need to get not fat. I ordered this fucking cute ass almost-thong bathing suit the other day in my size from american eagle, and I fuck you not, I literally look like a SAUSAGE in it. It's way too small. Way. I'm using this fucking bathing suit as motivation to not be a fat fuck and therefore this whole veganism thing was born. So, I'm doing it. I definitely already cheated today by having a quesadilla at lunch (BUT I WAS HUNG TITTIES AND STILL DRUNK SO I NEEDED IT) and had 3 pieces of fish at dinner but we're calling this a speed bump. Also, definitely fucking texted my ex boyfriend at the bar last night and cried over my roommates still being his best fucking amigos but that's besides the point. I'm going vegan for myself so that I can DO SOMETHING for myself for fuuuuuucking once in my life. And honestly, I like it. I'm excited to have this blog as a place to put my scatterbrained thoughts and to start this lifestyle and just see where independent thinking takes me. Realistically as I post in the future the pieces of my puzzle of a story will fall into place but for now, know this. I want to get skinny and healthy and be someone my family and friends can admire as a beautiful fit healthy bombshell of a human I want to fucking not fail out of college (OT is a shit major lemme tell u this) I want to sort out my feelings between where I've been, where I am, where I'm going, what I want, and who I love. I just want to be able to really facilitate some self-growth here and have a place to call my own and really think independently. Regardless of where this blog goes I'm excited to just do something without judgement or outside influences. I want to finally turn into someone that I love and someone with a true identity. I'm so sick of being so malleable. Anyway, until I start my posts, that was a fun scatterbrained vent sesh.

#vegan #text post #fitspo