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maybeimamuppet · 2 years

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i should've told you (redone)

lol heyyyyyy everybody how's it going

WERE BACK BITCHES HERE WE GO!!! sorry i was away so long!! but as it turns out, writing 50 chapters in about a month and a half is a super good way to give yourself burnout?? who woulda thunk. anyhoo.

in some better news: tomorrow is my one year anniversary!! which is insane!! i've come so far and had so many wonderful experiences here and i can't wait to have more :)) so thank every one of you for reading and interacting with this lil book of mine :D

mmkay into the actual thing woo

tw for:

meltdown/sensory overload

accidental self harm

*also disclaimer: this is based on a personal experience and is solely how it is for ME. if you experience similar things and they're different for you, don't come for me. :) mmkay enjoy!!

—————

Janis loves art. She also loves her girlfriend, Cady, and her best friend, Damian. Any opportunity to bring the three together is a welcome one.

So, when Damian tells her he's got free entry to the local art museum one weekend, Janis readily agrees to accompany him. Cady loves seeing her beloved girlfriend in her element, and begs to tag along. Janis most definitely isn't complaining about seeing one of her favorite things with two of her favorite people.

It has all the makings of the best day ever.

"Ooh, what's this one?" Cady asks, tugging Janis' hand along to the next painting. She tenses slightly when Janis presses against her back and explains it to her, her voice dangerously close to her ear.

"You okay, baby?" Janis asks in concern, gently rubbing up and down Cady's arms in an attempt to relieve some tension in her muscles. "You're so quiet. Tense."

"'M okay," Cady nods, her voice a mere mumble. She points to another artwork with a quiet, questioning hum. Janis shrugs off the odd behavior and launches into another explanation, trying not to worry about how tense her girlfriend is against her.

Cady about flinches out of her skin when Damian makes a spectacular return after a fruitless quest to find them somewhere to eat. "What's up, fuckers?! I'm back. Without food. Y'all wanna get McDonald's?"

"Jesus Christ, Dame," Janis yelps, jumping along with her girlfriend. "Could've used a warning."

"I don't do warnings. You just have to be prepared to be subjected to my brilliance at any time."

"You scared Caddy," Janis defends, squeezing her girlfriend as Cady turns around and hides against her neck. Cady gives a quiet sigh against her, which sets Janis' protective girlfriend alarm off again. What is going on with her?

Damian does actually look a bit sheepish about that, seeming to notice something is off with his friend. "Sorry Cads. I'll buy you some nuggets."

Cady finally laughs at that and blindly reaches to poke his belly. "You better. Let's go."

—-

Cady tries to use the car ride to calm down. She hadn't realized until it was too late, but the museum turned out to be more than she could handle, and she'd overstimulated herself.

Luckily, all she has to do is make it through the drive through, and then she can spend a nice quiet evening with some delicious garbage and two of her favorite people.

She jolts and looks around frantically when they come to a stop. Janis is already outside and opens Cady's door for her, as always.

"You coming, Peanut?" she asks. Cady looks at her, seemingly in shock. She hasn't even unbuckled her seatbelt yet.

"Aren't we doing the drive through?"

"Nah, Damian wants to eat inside," Janis says, reaching out a hand for her. "Come on, it'll be fun."

"Can I just stay here?" Cady asks quietly. Janis frowns.

"But we're gonna be in there for a while, I don't wanna be away from you for so long," she says, pulling a very exaggerated pout and her best puppy eyes. Even in her state, Cady can't resist them.

"Okay, fine. Lead the way."

Janis grins victoriously and gently squeezes Cady's hand as she leads them into the restaurant.

You can do this, Cady.

—-

Cady can't do this.

She knows it as soon as she sets foot in the building. The knife that's been sawing at the rope tying her mind together is hitting the last few threads, and she's about to break. You just have to make it through this, come on. Get it together.

Janis doesn't seem to notice anything amiss, chatting animatedly with Damian and still high off her excitement from the museum. Cady can't ruin this for her. Not now. Janis deserves this day to be perfect.

Cady takes some slow, deep breaths, and desperately tries to stop thinking about the itchy tag on her dress and how the elastic in the sleeves makes her wrist hurt and the skirt brushing against her knees and how her shoes are new and too tight and her hair is down and in her face and the smells and the colors and the sounds and everything around her is all happening at the same time on top of each other and building and building and-

Her rope snaps.

Even still, she tries not to let Janis know what's going on as she gently pries her hand out of her grasp to slam them over her ears in a desperate attempt to block out some of the insufferable and never ending noise.

Janis, unfortunately, is still concerned by Cady letting go of her hand. Cady never does that.

"Hey, whoa, baby," she says under her breath as she turns around and sees the state her girlfriend is in. "Come on, it's okay."

Cady barely seems to register what she's saying, only following Janis when she gives a gentle tug on her sleeve.

"What's going on, Peanut?" Janis asks once they're in the parking lot and some of the stimulation is removed.

"Everything's too loud!" Cady wails, hunching in on herself desperately. Janis watches in concern as she sinks her nails into her arms and squeezes.

Janis panics. Meltdown. What does that mean? What did Cady say helps meltdowns? What do I do? How do I handle this? Cady. Focus on Cady.

"What do you need, baby?" she asks desperately.

"H-home," Cady stutters around a sob, shifting her hands to cover her ears and tangling her fingers in the hair there.

"Okay, come here. You're gonna be okay, Butterfly."

Cady hunches into a ball as soon as she's buckled into her seat, and flinches at the noise of the engine turning over. Janis taps out a hasty text to Damian to let him know where they're going before she backs out of the parking lot.

Janis doesn't know whether squeezing Cady's leg or trying to reassure her is the right thing to do. Worth a shot?

Cady jerks away as soon as Janis' fingers so much as graze her skin. "Don't touch me!"

"Okay, I'm sorry," Janis murmurs. Cady breaks down even harder, sobbing into her knees and pressing more roughly against her ears. Janis releases a puff of breath and whispers to herself. "Nice going, Jan."

—-

Janis was hoping Cady would calm down a bit on the way home, but if anything, the drive only seems to have made her more upset.

Cady flies out of the car and into the house before the car even comes to a complete stop. Janis blinks in concern before she grabs their things and follows her girlfriend.

When she enters, she finds Cady's shoes, hastily torn off and thrown wherever Cady could get them. Cady always takes her shoes off and puts them neatly by the door. She must be really torn up. Concernedly, Janis picks them up and follows the sound of sobbing to Cady's bedroom.

Cady's dress is on the floor and her dresser drawers are all open, like she couldn't possibly have found one of her 'safe' outfits quickly enough. There's also a small Cady-shaped lump on the bed, totally cloaked beneath her weighted blanket. Janis has never heard her cry like this.

She carefully rests Cady's shoes on her rack and puts the dress in the hamper. As quietly as she can, she sits at the foot of Cady's bed.

Janis had tried to keep some distance so her weight wouldn't jostle or move Cady too much, but apparently she hadn't kept enough, because Cady definitely seems to notice she's there.

One small hand suddenly rockets out from under the blanket and starts frantically patting around, seeming to search for something. Janis hesitantly takes it and gives a gentle squeeze. Cady squeezes back, making Janis' knuckles pop. Janis doesn't complain.

She has to resist every instinct in her body. She wants so desperately to touch, comfort, hide under the blanket with Cady and just wait for the world to stop. But that won't help.

They stay there for what feels like hours. Janis just holds Cady's hand and tries not to let her concern show. Cady said she'd had meltdowns before. But not for a long time, what if she can't handle it this time- shut up, Janis.

She tries not to worry too much as the seconds tick on and on and on, turning moments into minutes and minutes into hours. Cady isn't even slowing down. Janis feels her heart splinter slightly with every heaving sob she hears from her girlfriend. She can't help but feel this is her fault.

Janis listens as Damian arrives as quietly as he can and settles in the living room. Her phone buzzes as he shoots her a text, and she's very glad she had the foresight to turn her ringer off.

Cady still has a vice grip on her hand, so Janis tries to pull her phone out of her pocket, turn it on, and text him back all with her left hand.

When she looks back up, Cady's tear-stained face is peeking out of her blanket at her. Janis squeezes her hand and gives her a sad, hopefully reassuring smile.

Cady starts moving her hand in Janis' grasp. After a few wiggles, Janis realizes she's trying to sign and lets her go. Cady moves slowly, like she has to physically force all the tiny muscles in her hands to cooperate with what she's trying to do. But, eventually, she manages to spell out, "Hold me?"

"Of course," Janis signs back, holding out her arms. Cady pops out from beneath her blanket and rockets into her arms, sobbing into her shoulder and clinging to her like a lifeline.

"Squishes," Cady sobs quietly. "Please."

Janis obliges, wrapping her arms around Cady's back and giving a gentle squeeze. Cady doesn't react, so she gradually increases the pressure. Just when she's starting to get concerned for her girlfriend's ability to breathe, Cady gives a relieved sigh and buries her face back in Janis' neck.

Janis' arms start to ache after a while. She doesn't let go. Her legs start going numb. She doesn't move. All that matters is Cady, and if this makes Cady okay again, she'll stay here forever.

It feels like she has by the time Cady finally calms down. Not that she's complaining, of course. Cady gives a weak sniffle and a whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, baby," Janis murmurs back. "Are you okay?"

Cady shrugs. "Pretty much."

Janis gently lets go of Cady's back in favor of holding her face, cupping her cheeks in her hands and drying her tears with her thumbs. "What happened?"

"Meltdown," Cady replies, so quietly that Janis has to strain to hear. She hates it. Cady's usual sweet, lilting voice is gone; replaced with a flat, exhausted monotone whisper. "Sensory overload. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I'm sorry I did the wrong thing," Janis hums. Cady shakes her head.

"You didn't. You were just trying to help," she says. "Thank you."

"For what?" Janis asks in confusion.

"Doing what you did. Getting me out of there and giving me time to calm down," Cady explains. "You helped a lot."

"But I-"

Cady seems to know what she's about to say, and shakes her head. "This wasn't your fault, my love. You can't read my mind, you had no way of knowing I was overwhelmed. I should've told you what was going on."

"But you asked to stay in the car, I should've-should've let you," Janis says apologetically. "I should've put the pieces together."

"Maybe," Cady agrees with a shrug. "But I don't blame you. You just wanted to have a meal with me and Damian. Have more fun. You couldn't have known this would happen. And now you know. I'm not upset with you."

"Okay," Janis says sheepishly. "Um..."

"You don't have to worry about asking stuff, mpenzi," Cady says, fiddling with the baby hairs on the back of Janis' neck. "This was hard on you too, you have questions. Ask away."

"Are you really okay?" Janis asks, looking Cady over as if checking for any external damages. Cady grins lovingly and kisses the tip of her nose.

"Yes," she says. "I mean, if we're being totally honest, I'm exhausted and kinda sore. And I'm not gonna be able to handle very much stimulation for a bit. But I'm absolutely fine."

"What should I do if, um... if it happens again?"

"You did a lot right this time," Cady says. "But in general, don't touch me unless I ask you to, and try not to talk. But don't whisper, just speak softly if you have to. And beyond that, you did just about everything right. You got me out of there and to somewhere quiet, and gave me enough space and time to get myself calmed down. You did great. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, baby," Janis chuckles. "I'm your girlfriend, it's kind of my job to make sure you're okay."

"And I'm your girlfriend, which means it's my job to make sure you're okay," Cady says. "So... are you?"

"Yeah," Janis agrees softly. "I'm... worried, but now that you're better I'm fine. You're cutting off the blood flow to my legs, though."

"Oh! Sorry," Cady says, gently scooting off of Janis' lap and to the side. Janis lies them down so they're nose to nose and looks into her girlfriend's crystal blue eyes.

"What does it feel like?"

"A meltdown?" Cady clarifies. Janis nods. "That's... a good question, honestly. I'm not sure how to explain it."

"Will you try?"

"Of course," Cady says, nuzzling into Janis' shoulder. She's quiet for a long moment before she starts trying to explain what she's just been through. "It's terrifying, honestly. It feels like the whole world is spiraling out of control, but you're the only one who can see it. Nobody else cares enough to notice, let alone do anything about it. And you know you can't stop it, you just have to weather out the storm. But while you're in it, you have no idea when it'll pass.

"Every little tiny piece of stimuli adds to it. Stuff you don't even think of normally. Like, on the way home, all I could hear was the sound of the tires on the road. And you breathing, and me crying. And it's... not a nice feeling, so sometimes I lash out like I did when you touched me."

"Does it hurt?" Janis asks, gently scratching Cady's scalp. "And is this okay?"

"Yes, it's okay," Cady chuckles. "And sometimes." She looks meaningfully at the small gouges on her arms caused by her digging her nails into them earlier. "Not necessarily directly, but the things I do to try to cope hurt sometimes. Like this. And I always lock up my muscles, so I get achy for a couple days, and I usually get headaches or migraines afterwards. I'm still not great at grounding myself."

"What happens now?" Janis asks gently, kissing Cady's forehead.

"Now I just have to take it easy," Cady murmurs, followed by a quiet, exhausted sigh. "Pressure still helps, and I shouldn't be around anything too stimulating. So I should probably take a rain check on movie night."

"We can do that," Janis agrees.

"You'll stay?"

"Of course," Janis says. "I gotta make sure my Peanut is okay."

"I love you," Cady grins, pressing a kiss to Janis' shoulder.

"I love you too. Can I go tell Damian you're okay? He's been downstairs the whole time."

"He what?!" Cady says frantically. "Oh my god, this one was so long! Go get him, I'll be right there."

"Baby, it's okay," Janis hushes, kissing Cady's knuckles. "Take your time."

Cady takes another deep breath and nods. Just before Janis reaches the door, she says, "Jayjay?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you. I love you."

"Anytime, Butterfly. I love you too," Janis says with a grin. Cady smiles back as Janis leaves the room to go find Damian.

Damian ends up finding her first, practically tackling her as soon as she hits the last stair. "Is she dead?!"

"No, dude, what the hell?!" Janis laughs. "She's fine, she'll be down in a second."

Damian doubles over in relief, and eventually just lets gravity have its way and sprawls on the ground. "Thank fuck!"

"You good?"

"Mm."

"Mmkay," Janis nods, heading to the kitchen to heat up Cady's food. She hears Cady's sweet laughter as she finds a puddle of Damian at the bottom of the stairs, and listens as she apparently lies down with him to explain what had happened.

Lo and behold, when Janis returns with Cady's happy meal (plated into a little face, to make her smile), she finds both of them cuddled up on the ground.

"Get up, losers, come on," Janis chuckles, gently nudging Damian with her toe. Damian groans and stands up, reaching out a hand for Cady.

Cady takes it and stands up herself, reaching for Janis to carry her back upstairs. Janis rolls her eyes lovingly and passes the plate to Damian so she can scoop her girlfriend off the ground. Cady gives a quiet, "Yay." and cuddles into her shoulder.

Janis carefully deposits Cady on her bed once again, and Damian hands over her chicken nuggets as if he's a waiter at a fine dining establishment.

Cady digs into her apple slices and gestures for them to sit down next to her, so they do. They sit in comfortable silence while Cady eats, but Damian gets sick of it quickly and starts quietly telling a story.

Cady leans over Janis to rest the empty plate on her nightstand and switch on her nightlight. Janis gets up to turn the main light off before she rejoins her little crew on the bed.

All three of them stare up at the colorful stars projected on Cady's ceiling, nestled up together and quietly reminiscing about how far they've come together.

Eventually, they all drift off to sleep, with Cady tangled especially close to Janis and Damian on her other side.

Deep down, she knows.

She's finally found where she belongs.

Right here.

—————

tadaaaaaa!! i hope you enjoyed!!

i thought this would be a nice way to celebrate coming back and also being here for a year :)) and also i can't read the original anymore (bc genuinely wtf is it. good lord) and i'd like to be able to read this one back someday and actually enjoy it :)

i do unfortunately have some bad news. im ditching my weekly schedule for a while :( i didn't want to, but i have to make myself a priority here and forcing myself to write is not conducive to that. im gonna try and stick to wednesdays, it just won't be every single wednesday for a while :)) hope y'all understand.

and with that i think i've said everything i need to!! i hope you have a wonderful day and thank you so much for reading!!

lots of love,

ezzy

#cadnis #paint by numbers #space safari #cady heron x janis sarkisian #cady x janis #cady heron #janis sarkisian #damian hubbard #mean girls #mean girls musical #mean girls broadway #mean girls the musical #mean girls on broadway

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