#and uh. school starts in a month ish and I still haven't done shit

[francy-sketches]

do u guys think I can animate a 5 minute video in like 8 months

#.txt #now i know what you're thinking. it took me 1+ year for a 3 min pmv. BUT 80% of that was procrastinating and not doing anything #I have 2 make a short film for my final project this year. and we were supposed to start making sketches n shit during the summer #and uh. school starts in a month ish and I still haven't done shit #bc I have like 0 ideas #except for ONE. but's it's kinda long as balls (5 mins) #ok actually. the song is 4 mins (they said we could make a music video) but I listened to the slowed+reverb version 2 much #so like I kinda imagined it to the slow version and the normal version is a bit too fast. i think #we don't have to work alone so I guess I COULD just attach myself to one of my classmates projects. but I'd rather not #bc the thing is. i dont wanna be mean but half of them don't know what they're doing 😭 #had to keep explaining basic shit to them like please dont make the scene 50 frames long when it's supposed to be 30

[veratiserum]

(slight trigger warning? nothing explicit uh mentions of me being a bit. um. insane? and not very nice to myself) ok so i'm watching this video on why u could potentially be irritated all the time bcs for the past two months or so i've been like "oh it's just rlly, rllyy bad pms" but i just finished my period like a week ago so it makes no sense?? anyways, the guy in this video is like: u consume too much caffeine, ur burnt out, there's too much load on u, ur a perfectionist, u haven't exercised in months, ur bottling up too many negative emotions, u don't sleep enough, ur always staring at a screen and also u r not normal if u constantly feel this shit and i'm just blinking at my screen, called out, embarrassed and also,,, irritated. i mean honestly, i don't rlly know how to sort myself out. bcs of stupid fucking covid all of my exams were squashed in the time frame of october/november to may/june. i've had four sets of exams; think about it. i started prepping in september, finished my exams end october; had to complete my syllabus AND study in november, give mids in december; study, reconcile, try not to off myself; mocks in february/march and finally, my actual fucking high-school exams from the end of april to mid june. like?? when. when do i have time to be like, "hey, i should work out", any free time i have is invested in curling up into a ball in bed and blocking out the world with fucking rex orange county or watching some stupid netflix show to fill the void. i haven't met up with any of my friends in months; i went to dinner with my cousin yesterday and all i could think about is how fucked i am for my exam in 5 days. my parents and teachers and peers have this fucked up little idea of me in their heads where its like, "oh vera? she gets A*s" and i have to remind everyone that, that was me in middle school and i actually got 2 C's in my mocks bcs i'm a fucking donkey. apparently, i'm just not trying hard enough and i have no drive/desire to make something of myself. i wake up between 4-5 am to talk to my girlfriend and sleep by 11pm - 12am bcs sleeping means i have to wake up tmrrw and repeat the whole fucking process because every day is exactly the same and i'm running out of things to feel happy about. hurrah, it might rain; oh wow my desk looks so nice in the sun today; i love eating the same type of pasta for 2 weeks!! like its been over 6 months and i'm fucking sick of my life. i consume caffeine to feel okay ish for 2 hours before i crash bcs i can't stay awake anymore; i get out of bed and i want to get right back in. the other day i slammed my head across my desk bcs i couldn't memorise my flashcards and it felt like something i probably would never have ever done but hey, i couldn't open my mouth for two days without wincing and it hurt like a bitch. so. there. and all i want is for it to be june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. june 10th. and i can finally. finally. finally what. what will i do when i'm finally free. i'll lie down in the pool and let the underwater charlie brown voices of my parents lull me to sleep because, hey vera, you did a good job. we're fucking proud of you. rest up because you still have college and uni and life. and life. and life. and i might sink a little and let the water fill my nose and my mouth and let it choke me and feel my hair swirl around and wrap itself around my neck and my limbs and feel myself get dragged lower and lower and i'll open my eyes and be trapped in blue, enclosing, suffocating blue forever. right, anywayss, now i'm off to finish a physics practice paper and then stare at myself in the mirror until my eyes stop blurring over. <3