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sharktofu · 7 years

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Trust Fall - NCIS LA fanfiction

AO3 link: Trust Fall by Sashaya.

Story dedicated to Z., who is the best and who started me on the whole ‘aftermath’ stories. Hope I didn’t fuck up!

A little backstory on this 'gem' - I started writing it immediately after I saw "Payback", because I didn't believe the show would really show the aftermath of all the shit that went on for Callen and the team.

It came out differently than I expected, because life got in the way - and by that, I mean that my personal feelings and experience with my job and my boss made their way into this story. It's one of the many reasons why I'm posting it just now.

I hope you’ll all enjoy it, despite the (massive) delay.

G. out!

Movies lie – there’s no storm, after storm, after storm. No never-ending cycle of pain and destruction, and sadness. After storm, there’s a moment of complete silence, a moment when you sit down and think ‘I survived, somehow’. The vicious cycle of unfair life is always broken by a sunbeam of hope. Then there’s time of chaos, an aftermath. It’s always the worst - the time to pick up the pieces and decide, what's next.

And this time, Callen cannot let others decide. He's past being passive in his own life.

G. takes his own car; tells Sam something about how even married couples need space, that Sam doesn't believe one bit. The "We'll talk later" hangs between them. Callen is okay with that.

Everyone at work is tired, downright exhausted. It's evident in hesitant nods of 'Hello', distrustful side-eyes. This... mission took a toll on them, more than anything before.

Even his team doesn't hide how much it cost them. Kensi is absent-mindedly disorganizing the chaos on her desk, taking a bite from a chocolate bar from time to time. Sam is watching her carefully, his eyebrows raising higher and higher every time Kensi notices she her desk looks almost tidy. Deeks is actively napping, head leaned on the chair in a position that most would call uncomfortable. Callen sees him open his eyes for a second, when he greets everyone.

"You're late," Sam says.

Callen shrugs, "I had some cleaning up to do".

He doesn't need to say he spent the whole night throwing away everything that reminded him of Joelle. He doesn't say how little he has, again.

Sam knows.

It doesn't take long for the aftermath to really hit him.

Hetty graces them with her presence, instead of making whichever low-level employee do her bidding for her. After everything, it raises a lot of red flags.

"Mr. Callen," she says his name with a warm familiarity that he doesn't trust anymore. "In the face of recent events, all employees are required to few sessions with our psychologist. We decided for you to go first"

"Our psychologist?" Sam repeats.

"Dr Getz, of course" Hetty clears up.

Callen hasn't expected anyone else, but he still tenses up. Everyone notices the change in his posture, but he ignores it and follows Hetty silently.

She leads him to Nate's temporary office and closes the door behind him. It’s difficult to admit, but he feels like a caged animal. It's not only his training that makes him locate all the possible exits. He's not tech-savvy, but even someone as old-school as him would notice the obvious camera in the corner. He doubts it's the only way to monitor this session.

"First, I just want to say how happy I am seeing you today, after everything," Nate smiles at him. It's a poor way of not-saying 'there were concerns about your loyalty to the agency'.

"Pleased to please you," Callen barely stops himself from sneering. Thought, he does smile with too much teeth and Nate reacts to that with a visible twitch.

“I know we already talked about your trust issues, but given recent developments I think it's safe to say, we need to revisit them again,” Nate continues.

It's a bit too much. It all sounds like a very bad joke and G.'s past being the collateral in all the 'well-thought' plans. He throws his head back and laughs. It's short and cold, a purposefully bad imitation of joy.

“No offence, Nate," Callen says, but he means full offence, full insult. “But you’re one of the reasons why I have trust issues.”

Nate flinches away, a minor tick that he deliberately doesn’t cover up. It makes Callen regret his words, but only a little. It’s not enough to take them back.

“I understand…," Nate tries to speak again, but Callen never lets him finish.

G. stands up and Nate recoils automatically, maybe in fear, most likely very aware of his actions. It looks like he's afraid that Callen could attack him and G. tries not to think how easily it would be to overpower Nate.

"It's time to change my therapist," Callen decides in a firm voice that leaves no place for arguments.

Nate is smart, he knows when to give up and so he doesn't try to change Callen's mind. G.'s not sure if it's another of his strategies or he simply wants to help. He doesn't care and simply leaves.

He's getting some resemblance of control back.

He's not at all surprised to see Hetty by the door. Though, he is shocked how easily she let go of the appearance of a happy family.

“Mr. Callen, explain your behavior, please!”

"Why, Hetty! You shouldn't monitor private sessions so blatantly!" He's shameless in how much he raises his voice. It doesn't stop Hetty; she's not easy, but Callen's feeling petty today.

“I’m requesting a day-off. I’m sure I have a lot of them saved up," he adds. “I’ll call when I'm coming back!”

He feels a bit lighter, leaving Hetty behind and for the first time not caring about that. His team throws him worried looks - even Deeks, who stopped napping and is now smiling cheekily. He nods to them, hoping to reassure them.

“Call you later!” Sam shouts, and it sounds both like a threat and a promise. He's already expecting a visit from his friend.

He chuckles to himself, when he hears Kensi's voice in the background announcing that she should take it easy after all and she's going home for now. Immediately after, he hears Sam and Deeks making excuses.

He doubts anyone will stop them.

Callen doesn’t feel like going home, doesn't feel like throwing away more stuff that reminds him of a lie. He wonders if that’s how his 'victims' fell or it helped that he just disappeared without a word.

He has half a mind to sell his house and find a new hole to exist in. Too many people know where he lives now. It's an uncomfortable thought, one that almost turns him in a wild animal, while his instincts cry for him to hide.

At the same time, he doesn't want to lose this place. It was home - before, when he was a kid and later, when he found it again. He's not sure he's ready to let go.

He decides to put it off for now. He should get a new therapist, so he'll have at least one thing to talk about. He should ask for recommendations - maybe Michelle or someone from the DC branch.

Right now, he’s just gonna drive. It's not like he has somewhere to be.

Callen turns the radio on, to have something more than just his thoughts to accompany him. He knows the song that’s on, so it's easy for him to get lost in it. He parks not far away from his favorite chicken wings spot, already thinking where he's going to spend his lunch.

The walk on the beach is soothing. Callen thinks about the past… year? It feels longer. He thinks about Sam getting more solo cases, the mole, Nate’s not-betrayal, Joelle.

When he thinks it all through, his trust issues are really ‘last season’.

His trust and privacy has been violated so many times, there’s always going to be a lingering thought in the back of his head ‘what if'. He will always feel the need to look over his shoulder.

Hetty played one too many games, but she's not paying the price, is she?

'It's not her fault,' Callen thinks, when he sits down on the bench. 'But that's... a disturbing amount of head-games.'

He itches for a cigarette, which is a sudden thought. He hasn't had a smoke since he was a teen.

His work, that he sacrificed his life for times and times again, feels tainted now. He never claimed it was pure, but it was… ‘safer’, for the lack of better word. Sure, it's a job for ‘the greater good’ but after some time, this excuse isn’t enough. Safety is. Safety within the job.

He can’t say it anymore, can he?

Though, it's not like he has a lot career options. What else can he do? CIA is both his past and not a possibility, for so many reasons; FBI doesn’t fit his line of work and his experience.

There’s always long-term cover missions - which he's done so many times before, sometimes it's a wonder he remembers, who he really is - or a job in another cell. Washington, maybe?

Callen’s musings are interrupted, when his cell starts ringing. His experience doesn't let him ignore it and he glances at the phone.

Ana.

Callen groans and ignores the call.

Until he understands what her part in all of this is – and he knows she has one, the question is if Ana is aware of it – he’s going to take a step back from their ‘relationship’.

It won’t be fair to her, if she’s innocent. Isn't fair to him.

"Man, I can see your brain going into override. Give yourself a break with the whole thinking thing" Sam sits next to him. Callen would jump, if Sam didn't give him courtesy of being uncharacteristically loud.

"You're supposed to be nice to me, remember? Or do we need marriage counseling, again?" Callen aims for humor, but the joke falls flat. "What a shitshow."

"I hear you," Sam leans back. He looks straight at the horizon, like he expects to find some answers there. "What now?"

"Ha! That's the question, isn't it?" Callen sighs and his shoulders drop, like they cannot uphold more of his problems. "I don’t know."

"Are you coming back?" It's a loaded question.

"I don't know. You?"

Sam doesn't answer for a few minutes. "There's not much beside this."

Callen doesn't call him a liar, but they both know the truth. Sam is too loyal to his country to just leave this job. He loves it as much as he loves his family. He won't quit.

"You could teach," Callen suggests. "Embarrass Aiden with his old man as his instructor."

Sam laughs. "Only you could find that embarrassing."

"What can I say - my only references are movies," he says. "I might quit, Sam."

His partner hums in response, but doesn't comment. He doesn't seem shook by Callen's confession.

"Okay."

"Just okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. If you want, I won't stop you. Your choice, man," Sam stands up and faces Callen. "For now, Michelle is making dinner. Kam is expecting her Uncle Callen."

G. thinks about the chicken wings, but dismisses the thought. Nothing beats Michelle's home-cooked meal. It's not even a contest.

"Six?"

"On the clock," Sam heads towards the sidewalk. "See you later, G.!"

Callen chuckles. He does feel a bit better now. Despite what happened, he still has his family. No matter what, they won't abandon him.

It's a reassuring thought.

It doesn't make everything better, doesn't fix his life, but it makes it bearable.

It's enough for now, when he leans back and enjoys the sun and the sound of crashing waves.

He survived the storm, he will survive the aftermath.

It won't break him.

It will free him.

#ncis la #ncis la fanfiction #aftermath of betrayal #some light swearing #chrisodonline #sorry for the delay

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