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theisolationdiaries · 4 years

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A Call from the Universe

In a society of woven fabric, where lives are sewn together - constantly intermingling and merging in varying degrees and patterns, colours and shapes, I am a lone piece of floating thread that has naturally detached from the makings of its own design, hanging delicately by its fragile corners.

I have been destined to this fate as I have been born into an abstract pattern that appears only in empty spaces - a family of introverts who weave themselves, not by others hands, but in wrappings of their own individual silk cocoons. Because here, we find a home within ourselves.

Almost by the laws bound by nature, we spin a protective layer around us to keep us from external forces. Like silkworms, we turn inwards into this isolated nest for our own metamorphosis, unchanged by others. Because as easy as a gentle breeze that sweeps through a canopy of trees, going about its own way - quietly detached from its surroundings but somehow still part of it all, choosing our own company has always been like second nature. Self-reliance, our dominant trait. Solitude, our dear friend.

This solitary existence, this cautious attitude towards life (which I admit, isn’t the best for social nurturing and self-development) potently runs through our veins as it seems to have been embedded in our very own bloodline, almost like a recessive gene - an integral part in our DNA that makes us who we are. As if we have evolved from lone wolves comfortable in isolation, instead of monkeys, the most social of creatures - a perplexing malady perfect for a comprehensive, investigative scientific case study. Psychologists would definitely be lining up for a chance at such a thesis. (And no, I won't be volunteering as tribute.)

It’s strangely kind of like an ancestral curse bestowed to us by the gods of social fortune and misconduct, for some grave sin ignorantly (maybe even comically - as a joke) committed by one of our foolish ancestors (a jester of sorts) who had undoubtedly displeased them. One we descendants are still paying for, bearing the same shame our forefather did as we have begrudgingly gained a dissociative personality trait from his demise. And it has done its job faithfully so, trickling down from generation to generation - as both paternal and maternal sides are no strangers to this phenomenon. From adults, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, and other relatives alike - there is little exception.

Because of this, we simply thrive in solitary activities. We’ve come to celebrate the freedom it creates from the confines of having to prove oneself in the presence of others - a lone cause where we have continued to stand up for our individuality. An attribute I’m not quite sure is an asset, or a liability. Probably both, as stubbornness also seems to be inherent in this precarious test of survival. (I’m still learning as I go.)

In terms of a social foundation, from tiny, shaky steps at a young age, I grew to lack leaps and bounds when I embarked on the challenging journey into adulthood - the enigmatic governor of unstable ground. My structure haphazardly formed by my unsteady hands, with the usual provocation one experiences in their unbeguiling youth. My juvenile self found that the need to socialize and conform was this blinding pearly-white grin, filtered by a hidden malice that bore fangs of unwarranted prejudice and judgment, so my own remained tight-lipped and sealed, refusing to speak. I did not like the false sense of security strangers bore with their veiled smiles. So I faced these masked entities with disdain, always faced slightly turned away, as if ready to retreat at any moment, in fear of being shackled by their contempt. I don't really know if it was an act of rebellion, or cowardice. I think it's a bit of both - like two stepbrothers vying for the same attention but an unseemingly pair that can’t be separated.

So as vulnerability and discomfort being the dominant forces that have affronted me when having to interact and associate alone, almost naturally, when thrust in a social setting, I subconsciously developed (i’m blaming the recessive gene) a defense mechanism of its antithesis - dissociation.

Isolation became my safe space, my comfort blanket, my tiny little bubble - a haven only I knew, away from the complex constructs of the outside world. An escape from reality. It's not much of a life for others, but to me it was everything.

At this stage still, I am an infant in this process of development, still wobbling at the knees still learning how to walk, bouncing on the soles of my feet in this awkward dance of resolve.. mostly only having an exchange of superficial pleasantries when all I want is connection. And in this present moment, here lies my most inconvenient truth. What was once my faithful companion has turned into a relentless foe. This pandemic has fortified the curse and twisted my fate. My haven of thoughts are now a thunderstorm relentlessly pouring over a dam, spilling through cracks, overflowing in abandon - too much for one person to bear - which at any given moment could burst with just one flash of lightning.

From thriving in time alone, now I am a helpless pawn in its game of chess. A simulated war of psychological strength and fortitude has commenced.. It seems a new set of formidable challengers lay before me - my opponents powerful forces to be reckoned with. And I crave for a sense of shared togetherness, I now long to be woven with other colours and shapes. Because this has now become a cruel solitary test of patience, and wits - with me forcibly meant to play all the roles - king, queen, knight, pawn...all the pieces intended for me to participate as, dutifully and without complaint. There is no battalion of men I can rely on. I am alone, yet again.. In this mental maze I seem to keep hitting corners and dead ends, irrevocably lost, with no direction. But it’s okay, for some journeys you have to go through alone. This road is not unfamiliar after all. Should I forge ahead with the confidence I know I still lack? or resign to my usual pursuits? At this point i’m not so sure I've been making the wisest decisions as "Check" almost seems to be the most dominant result in my daily life, with i the struggling opponent always on the verge of losing - my king, my heart center, constantly cornered.. exposed and vulnerable.

For now, I'm not really banking on any wins worthy of a celebration. Small victories perhaps, yes. There are those, i'll give myself that. Little tiny glimmers of hope that appear in my most difficult of days. But, like the checkered board and its pieces, everything has been painted black & white. No shades have been left in between. My ups & downs are blatant and blunt. My highs & lows, two sides of a coin. And even with fervent control and dedication to even a simple victory, my fateful flips haven’t been so forgiving either.

I feel so alone.

I think this is what happens when you have your back against a wall with no visible signs of escape, and an internal battle is inevitable to ensue. This is the eventuality, a mental and emotional upheaval - a call to arms - when an unknown virus suddenly sweeps the world uninvited, like a vengeful wildfire quickly spreading through a dry and dense forest, completely ravaging everything in its wake. We were unprepared for this. In this extended quarantine, there is nothing I feel more than that of a caged animal - trapped in the desolation of this isolation, wanting to break free. And, the same hearts seem to be experiencing this as well. Walls are being built up and torn down every day. Bridges connected and burned. Long dreary days have bled into threadbare months. The proverbial hands in the clock of Time are moving backwards. "Halt," they say. Pause. Slow down. Listen. The Universe is speaking. "What is there to learn from this pandemic?", it asks. Well, I think, as if by God's design, it has plucked us from our solitary islands and dropped us into an endless ocean, so we can learn how to hold hands, and float. Together. I am still learning though. Because, every single day I find myself and lose myself, over and over again. The hands in the clock of Time glitching, instead of moving backwards.

I am still learning.

And although my current predicament has been terribly isolating, which has resulted in numerous setbacks born from unrelenting fear, it is because I have not learned the most important lesson: that life, indeed, is meant to be played with a team.. a group.. a family. A beautiful intricate fabric where we all belong and no empty spaces are left in between.

Unity will save us all.

We are all each others knights, queens, kings and pawns - a band of brothers and merry men, making up a kingdom of hope and faith. Hand in hand we can face this pandemic, play to win, look at it dead in the eye and turn the tables around. We’ll have the last say, and make the most vital move - a grand finale exulted by the words of victory.. “Checkmate.”

Drowning is simply not an option. We'll all float soon enough. Together.

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