#and i would've quit a week ago if it weren't for verm

[rozaceous]

ok so like, fanowrimo 2023 reflection thus far, since we're actually p close to the halfway mark which is already a terrifying concept.

total word count, i'm at 9.6k (abt 400 words under target for today but i'm probably not done), so yay! but holy schmokes have i not been consistent in output in the last week lmao. via nanowrimo's stats page, which is honestly excellent:

(nov 5th and 9th were rest days, and even tho on the 5th it says 0, i did still outline. ofc some of what i've written i've since scrapped--tho i've p much made up the difference while editing--and i've also done abt 600 words of not-tcba writing bc my brain needed a break.)

building habits is so hard...

and that's really what it is? historically speaking, i'm not a very consistent writer, i'm more motivated by whimsy. having a structured approach where i wake up in the morning and write for an hour has been good for me, but it's also really challenging bc i am a creature of indolence. normally i take ages to think about what's coming up next, and when i write i have the internal editor in my brain constantly giving me feedback on word choice and word frequency, on consonance and where to break the sentence with punctuation or how to re-word it so that the tone is right and making sure that i mention x and do the lead-in for y. at the same time, when i take a lot of time to percolate is usually when i'm able to do 1-2k in one go and it doesn't need any editing after except for typos. (measure twice, write once...)

so breaking it into writing only, and editing separately has been great, but it's still kind of a struggle bc it's still energy expenditure, just in a different form. but i think the other part of why i've always taken so long to write is that i don't have a job where i can just daydream abt my stories, or sneakily write. i have my commute and my lunch, but sometimes i want to think abt literally anything else. in general, i have obligations that take up enough of my mental bandwidth that it can be really hard to also be creative, esp when i have v strong meta-cognition going when i do write.

idk thus far w this project i've really been trying to give myself a lot of grace, and mostly succeeding. but yeah, if mariko is my wish-fulfillment in any sense it's that she has the energy to enact her stubbornness into discipline way more consistently than i do.

#and i would've quit a week ago if it weren't for verm #having someone give me insta feedback is the chicken soup for my soul #so many vibe checks. i owe them sm. #and i guess the other portion of the energy bit is that i manage an autoimmune condition and my primary symptom is fatigue #so yknow that always helps lol #and is why i may or may not do more tonight--overexerted myself yesterday #i felt great at the time!!! #alas that's how it always is #fanowrimo 2023 #rozisms #overall this has been a fabulous experience but yikes the self-reflection involved