#and honestly i still don't understand how anyone tolerates me and sometimes don't believe zach can genuinely be attracted to me

[autumnhobbit]

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#would give anything to have smaller arms #no rolls #a sharp jawline like i had for a little bit #g*d my collarbone was visible in my old pics from 2018-2020 and it shouldn't bother me but it does so so.much #i don't know what my problem is #i don't know what i expect #on the one hand i feel like its genuinely not normal to lose some daily activity and immediately gain 40-50 lbs #bc like it didnt happen to me the first time i was jobless for like nine months #but on the other hand i'm like. my mom is fat my grandma has been fat for most of her life #my grandfather's mother was stocky and according to my mom she didn't have 'a single thin aunt' #but it's constant and clothes torment me and a lot of the time i can't stand to look at my face or body #and i even cheat myself out of the rare times i do feel okay about it by comparing how i actually look to how i want to look #or think i /ought/ to look #and honestly i still don't understand how anyone tolerates me and sometimes don't believe zach can genuinely be attracted to me #(even though i know he is.) #fuck. #idk man i know it's body dysmorphic disorder. i know. #mom only thinks its not a real thing bc she has it too. #but it's so hard to maybe accept that i'm not ugly #or even if i am i don't deserve to have that fact torment me my whole life #like i have eyes?? i can see me? i know i look horrid? #and i don't want to forgive myself and tell myself its ok i look like this. #i hate how i look. i hate how i feel. but i just toss it back and forth in circles in my head ad infinitum #and drive myself insane wanting peace with my body and self #and never getting it.