#and have another Johanna's Mother anecdote. as a treat

[queerprayers]

So, we all know Lent is forty days, but which forty days? Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday isn't forty, if you sit down and count. For those who didn't know, this is because Sundays aren't officially days of Lent! There are six Sundays in Lent, counting Palm Sunday, and they regularly interrupt the forty days.

Lenten Sundays were such a confusing thing for me growing up. Worship was somber and simpler, and the prayers/scripture/hymns are all themed around Lent--but we didn't fast! We were in the season of Lent, and our focus was on repentance and forgiveness, but we had come to an oasis in the wilderness. We mourned but we also feasted.

As my mother would explain, "Every Sunday is a little Easter--that's why we worship on Sundays! No matter what season we're in, we find Easter every Sunday. We don't fast on the Lord's day, Johanna, not ever."

I know for some people, Sundays are no different from the other days, and it's accepted that "the forty days of Lent" is an approximation. Although I don't like approximations of liturgically important numbers, I understand this--taking a day off during a solemn season seems like cheating, almost.

My community seemed undisciplined to me as a kid, not able to strictly go without anything for more than a week, making up reasons to feast. My mom wanted dessert, that's all. Now I know that, as Christians, we don't have to make up reasons to feast. I know what my mother meant, now. She couldn't bring herself to fast on the Lord's day, not out of weakness, but out of strength, out of respect. Every Sunday is a little Easter.

I respect those whose little Easters during Lent are spent fasting, literally and metaphorically. I honor those who fall into a rhythm that won't let up until the Easter. I admire the self-discipline that can only be reached by consecutive days of practice. I know that honoring the resurrection includes honoring the death that brought God there--that's why we have Lent.

But for me, self-punishment comes too easily. Lent as a teenager was dark and confusing. I was too practiced at considering death. I named discipline what was torture. The rhythm I yearn for looks different, now.

I've come to understand Lenten Sundays as a slight unveiling, a translucency, a "foretaste of the feast to come," as my liturgy would put it. I am in the desert, fasting (literally or metaphorically), and, for a moment, I am satisfied. Like Elijah, an angel touches my shoulder and gives me what I need, and I can go on longer than I could have imagined with just that small amount of sustenance. Often it makes me hungrier than ever, this foretaste.

Now, the things I add to my practice during Lent I keep, and the bad habits I'm healing from I keep avoiding, but the small pleasures I have gone without are present again on Sundays. Not as a giving in, but a letting in, as an allowing of hope, of celebration in the midst of mourning. No wilderness is forever, and I have to remind myself of that, practically and tangibly. As a Christian, I can't not feast on Sundays.

For those practicing Lent for the first time, or those who have just never thought about it before, make sure you know what Sundays will be for you (or figure it out as you go along, that's okay too)! Happiness in the fast? mourning in the feast? Another day in the holy wilderness? a brief glimpse of hope? a tiny alternation of practice? a bountiful oasis before you return to your journey? Your practice is yours, and your relationship with seasons and Sundays is yours. We all get to Easter differently, from each other and from who we were before. May the road rise to meet you.

Note: Eastern Churches actually do have forty consecutive days, from Clean Monday to Lazarus Saturday. This makes sense. No notes. I never leave y'all out on purpose, I just don't feel I have enough knowledge/experience to meaningfully discuss your liturgical year. Have a blessed Lent, siblings.

<3 Johanna

#a random Lenten Sundays as Liminal Space reflection #and I got to reference my favorite bible story!! #and have another Johanna's Mother anecdote. as a treat #ok to rb #edit: added a sentence to clarify you don't have to decide in advance--sometimes we navigate our practice by practicing